30

AFTER THE TRUTH

DOC

FOR A MOMENT, I think I’m hallucinating. They gave me something strong for the pain, so I figure it’s possible. I blink a couple times, and Nora is still there, her entire being radiating remorse and shame, the latter of which I don’t understand.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, tone full of accusation. All the anger is still simmering—I can’t help it. Even after my mental health surf-a-thon and subsequent discourse with Sophie, I’m still pissed and hurt. And rightly so. I told her I loved her, and she spat it back in my face like it was a joke. Only her punchline was breaking up with me for yet another indiscernible reason. It was the worst fucking déjà vu I’ve ever experienced.

Still, I do have compassion, and I know something larger’s at work. If Sophie knows what it is, she didn’t let on.

“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry,” she says.

She takes a step forward. I notice her face is bare, and she looks wiped. She rarely wears makeup, though, unless it’s some kind of function like a wedding or holiday, and she’ll still look like a fucking angel.

“I’m not asking for forgiveness—it would make me an even bigger bitch if I did. This is just an explanation, and a hope that you might understand.”

“Understand what?” I am too frustrated with her formal and weird introduction to be patient. “Understand that loving you is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me? Oh, don’t you worry, I got that down pat.”

I immediately regret saying this, given that she’s here in the spirit of contrition. I think. But I can’t help being on edge in her presence. I love her, and I fucking hate her right now, but revenge is never a one-way street. The tears that escape down her cheeks are like a kick to the throat.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, I get it. I deserve that,” she tells me with a sniffle. Quickly, she swipes at her eyes.

I try to sit up, and the meds save me from the full impact of my movement. Even so, I’ve either been struck by lightning in the shoulder, or the painkillers have not fully kicked in. My vision briefly flashes white. When it clears, Nora is right next to the gurney, her delicately long fingers wrapped around the side-gate. Her face is worried, sad, and my first instinct is to make her feel better. I grunt in frustration—at myself, but she takes it as an affront.

“Sorry, I… I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she says, stepping backward.

“No, I—” I begin, but decide I’d better just shut up. Now I don’t know what to say.

She doesn’t move from her new spot, instead wringing her hands and chewing on her lips. They look chapped.

“Anyway, I wanted to explain a couple of things,” she begins, her eyes studying the floor before they pop up to meet my gaze. I can’t take my eyes off her, even now. “I didn’t mean all those things I said.” Her head twists back and forth as if to back up her claim. “I know I can’t take it back…” Her mouth hangs open as she seems to fight to continue. “—any of it, but you should know a few things before I go.”

The thought that she means she’s leaving California urges me to ask Go? Where are you going? but I tamp it down. First things first—see what she has to say. “Okay,” I say instead.

Watching her chest expand with a lungful of courage is strange. I can see her gearing up to confess something, and it both scares the shit out of me and makes me want to hold her in my arms so she knows it will be all right. I can’t do that. I don’t even know if that’s what she wants. Therein lies the problem, I suppose.

After a mournful exhale, she swallows with effort and begins again. “I’ve only had a couple of serious relationships. The last ended four, maybe five months before I met you,” she explains. Her fingers lace together across her belly, her elbows bent. Whatever it is has her posture stiff with stress. “His name was—”

“Stephen.” Given the last time I saw her, I figured it’s a good guess.

Alarm registers in her eyes, but it’s fleeting. “Yes.”

She begins to fidget, and that’s when I realize this is going to be a lot more difficult than I expected. Nora doesn’t fidget. She’s not generally an anxious or nervous person. She’s brave, confident, and the most outgoing person I know. I also think I’m going to get very angry very soon. But this time, it will be with someone I’ve never met and ideally—for his benefit—will never meet.

“He told me he loved me very early on,” she almost whispers. Her eyes have turned to the wall behind me. “Probably two months after we met? Less? Anyway, it was really odd, and I told him he was crazy.” She tries to laugh. “But… it was so nice to hear. I didn’t think much of it. I’d only ever been in love once, and that was practically adolescent, but I suppose I should’ve known. I didn’t trust my instincts.”

“Nora.”

She ignores me and quickens the pace of her story. “The first time he hit me, it happened so fast, I immediately started to doubt it had happened at all.”

Her voice goes softer, higher pitched even, as though she were much younger than she is. “The next was a fist to the gut. I had no problem knowing that was real, even though he was a pro at gaslighting. I was so stupid.”

“Nora.”

Her palm sweeps her tears away, and her eyes finally meet mine. She shouldn’t have bothered to wipe her face, as they just keep coming.

“It took me months to leave him, Doc. Months.” Her body shakes with shame, and it kills me. The pain in my shoulder doesn’t touch this. “Only when I got pregnant and he…”

She can no longer speak through the emotion. But I watch her hands go to her stomach, and I know. I don’t need her to continue to know whose fault it is that she never had that baby. I don’t need to know if she’d planned to keep the baby, if she was happy, or angry, or scared. I just know if I ever happen upon this Stephen motherfucker, I will end up in jail, and it will be worth it.

“Come here,” I beg, holding my uninjured arm out to her. I need her close to me almost as much for my own comfort as in the hopes of giving her some. “Please.”

Her eyes close, her neck twisting her head in refusal. “I just wanted you to understand, to know it wasn’t you who fucked all this up between us.” She motions between us with a floppy backhand. “I realize that, and this is all my mistake alone.”

Tears give way to sobs, and she begins to shuffle backward. It takes a lot of effort to wrestle the side of the gurney down so I can roll off, but I do, and take the two steps needed to pull her into my arms. Well, arm.

For once, she doesn’t fight me. I’m tempted to cry myself, simply for this small victory. “I got you, Beauty. I got you,” I say as she buries her face in my chest, her fingernails digging deep into my lower back. I’m desperate to get both arms around her, but I settle for resting my cheek on her head. “I understand. Please just breathe, love.”

She pushes back, her fingers scratching desperately searching for some kind of anchor. “I can’t. I can’t breathe,” she says. “All I want is you, but I can’t have you. I will ruin everything!” Nora hasn’t calmed at all; her sobs are ramping up to damn near hysteria. “I’m ruined.”

I move us closer to the door so I can shut it. I pull her to my chest again and let her release it all.

“You are absolutely not ruined,” I say quietly. “You are—”

“Doc,” she looks up at me, trying surreptitiously to wipe evidence of her tears from my chest and bandages. “This is why I can’t do relationships. I just can’t give any of myself anymore. I’m broken.”

I frown. “Look, I’m not saying it’s an on/off switch, but you already do. How do you think I fell in love with you?”

“Because you’re stupid,” she deadpans, and like a fucking rainbow, I see a ray of light break through.

I can’t help but stare at her for a second before I crack up. My shoulder smarts something fierce, making me hiss, but the laugh is so welcome, I don’t care.

“You did say I was dumb,” I recall.

She fights a smile and loses. I gain a little ground and touch her face, nearly calling out “Yes!” when she leans into my palm. Her eyes and lips close, accompanied by a low hum.

Fucking hell, I love her too damn much.

“It’s okay to be scared,” I whisper. “You scare the shit out of me, you know.”

Our eyes meet again, but she shakes her head and shifts her gaze away. “It doesn’t matter, Declan,” Nora tells me with a sigh. “I’m too much work.”

“Beauty, don’t you see it? You’re letting him steal all of this away from both of us. Everything we have or could have is lost if you let that tiny prick make your choices for you.”

She rolls her head around on her neck, frustrated. She settles her hands on my chest, moving one up to brush lightly over the bandages and wrappings on my shoulder. The tone of her voice when she speaks gives me the spark of hope I need to breathe normally again.

“What if I can’t do it? I don’t want to hurt you any more.”

I sigh, tilting my head to the side. I brush a hand over her face and cup her chin. “If you live and die by what-ifs, you’re not really living, are you?”

Nora drops her forehead to my chest. Her arms slip down and wrap around my waist. “Are you sure you can handle my crazy?” she asks, but her question falls to the ground.

“I love you,” I say. “Please be okay with that.”

Her countenance softens, and her expression turns serious. “I’m more than okay with that,” she whispers.

“Are you?” I ask, needing to confirm.

She nods and steps closer, pressing herself into me. “Yes.” Tilting her chin up, she brushes my nose with hers, and I can feel her lips a hair’s breadth from mine. “I love you, too.”