Sarah McLachlan—Angel
Nick Jonas—Close
Ed Sheeran—Small Bump
I sit on the edge of Izzie’s bed, watching as she sleeps peacefully. The way her button nose flicks up slightly at the end reminds me of Natalia’s. Her long lashes flutter on the top of her cheeks as she rolls over, clutching the unicorn that I bought her for her birthday along with her bike.
My eyes wander over to the wall where she wanted the canvas hung. She insisted on having it on the wall to her left so that she can see her mom as soon as she wakes up and opens her eyes.
I knew that I couldn’t refuse her, no matter how much it hurts to look at. I’d like to say that I’ve calmed down, but the truth of the matter is, I’ve blocked it out. I tend to do that instead of dealing with the problem head-on. I keep telling myself that once today is over, I can process it all. Maybe. Hopefully.
Standing up slowly, I take one last look at her before crossing the hallway and checking in on Clay.
He’s never been to Nat’s grave. It’s not that I haven’t offered, because I have, and I’d take him any time that he wanted to go. But every time that I mention it to him, his eyes mist over and I can see his heart breaking through his eyes. It’s not fair. For him or Izzie.
Closing his door halfway, I walk in the direction of my room, grabbing my leather jacket before making my way downstairs where Amelia is sitting on the bench by the front door.
“You ready?” she asks, her lips pulling up into a soft smile.
I huff out a breath as I push my arms through the sleeves. “As ready as I am every year.”
She nods slowly in understanding, pushing up off the bench and going on her tiptoes as she wraps her arms around my neck. She doesn’t say another word as she lets go and walks away into the living room.
Grabbing my keys off the table, I pull open the door and walk out into the brisk night air. My body works on autopilot: getting into my car, turning the engine on and driving down the gravel driveway.
The car is silent, save for the engine as it gently purrs and the rain that beats down on the windshield. It’s almost as if the weather changed to suit my mood. The sky is pitch black, not a star to be seen, much like it was that day six years ago.
It takes me twenty minutes to get to the cemetery, but it feels more like two. Once I’ve parked in front of the gates, I turn the engine off and grab my flashlight from the glove compartment.
No time like the present.
Pushing my door open, I slide out and shiver as the cold rain hits my face, pulling the collar on my leather jacket up and walking ahead.
The large black gates are partially open, and I slip through the small space, walking along the tree lined path that flows down the middle of the grounds. The path spouts off left and right, taking you further into the grounds, but I don’t take any of those paths. I stay on the main one, bearing left when I come to the end and walking over to the blossom tree that hangs gently over her headstone.
I stop four feet in front of it, staring at the words engraved in the marble stone.
Natalia Carter
Loving mother, wife and daughter.
Gone but never forgotten.
A painful lump forms in my throat and I swallow, trying to relieve the tension.
“Hey, Nat.” It’s stupid to talk to a stone, I know that, but I feel like I’m filling her in on everything that has happened when I do.
“Izzie turned six today.” I sit down, not caring that the ground is soaking wet; not giving a damn that the rain still beats down on me in torrents. “She’s such a little monkey now.” I shake my head and look down at the grass, sinking my fingers into the dirt underneath it. “She had us all dressing up as princes and princesses for her party. Nate dropped his crown and she told him off.” I chuckle. “She’s so much like you, it’s scary.”
I swallow again, closing my eyes. “Clay’s getting better, I think. I took him to see someone.” I wince at the rawness of my voice. “A professional... I didn’t know what else to do, Nat. All I knew is that things couldn’t continue the way that they were.” I nod, more to assure myself that I did the right thing than anything else. “It’s working though, he’s sleeping better. Still with the nightlights, but he hasn’t been having the nightmares as often as before.”
I stop talking, almost as if I’m waiting for her to reply, which is obviously something that will never happen.
I clutch my hands together tightly. “Harmony is back,” I whisper. “But then you already know that, don’t you?” I laugh sadly. “I never thought that she’d come back, but here she is. We…” I trail off as I stare at her headstone, willing myself to get everything I want to say off my chest. “We’re seeing where things go. I didn’t think she’d even give me the time of day, but she has.” I shrug. “I don’t know why after what I did to her. After everything... but she sees something in me. Maybe she thinks that I’m the same person I was back in college? I dunno.”
I lift my head up and look out into the distance, watching as the wind catches the branches of the trees, making them sway as if they’re dancing before I turn back to look at her headstone, trying to keep the tears at bay. “I want to hope that you’d approve, that you’d give me your blessing. But I guess none of that matters now.”
I push my hands through my hair, preparing to tell her about what happened today. “You know how she always loved art? She painted Izzie a picture for her birthday.” My breath catches in my throat as I see the painting in my head clearly. “It’s of you and Izzie as she is now. The look in both of your eyes is… everything.”
I let my head drop as I stare at the darkened grass, pulling up a few blades and throwing them back down. “To say I didn’t react well is an understatement. You’d kick my ass at how I treated her.”
I smile as I think about how Natalia would have reacted had she been there; it wouldn’t have been pretty, that’s for sure.
“I shouldn’t have reacted like that, but she caught me off guard.” I shrug to myself. “I feel like I don’t know anything anymore, it’s like I’m being pulled in two different directions. One day I’m fine and everything's going good, then the next it’s all I can do to try and not break down as I remember everything. It all gets to be too much.” I take a deep breath. “I see Harmony’s face the day that I left her; but the worst is when I see your face. All of those people rushing around as they wheeled you out of the room on that bed… the look in your eyes.” I choke on a sob, clenching my fists on my thighs and squeezing my eyes shut. If I go there right now, I’m not sure that I’ll make it back home tonight at all. “I…” I swallow against the lump in my throat again.
A tear slips free, tracking down my cheek and mixing in with the rain. Today has been too much: too many memories, too many emotions.
“I’m not good enough for them, Nat. It should have been me that left you all behind. You would have been able to cope without me; the kids would have been okay without me. It never should have been you.”
I hear footsteps behind me, the leaves crunching under someone’s feet and I stand quickly, turning my flashlight and illuminating the figure that is walking toward me.
“I’m closing up,” a gruff voice says as he comes into the light. I can’t make out much but I know that it’s the same person that does this every year.
I turn my wrist, looking at the time on my watch, not quite believing that I’ve been here for an hour already.
“Okay,” I answer him, watching as he turns around and walks off without saying another word.
I slowly turn back toward the headstone, stepping forward and placing my hand on the top. My eyes move down to the fresh flowers that sit in front of it, knowing that Mom comes here once a week to talk to her and place fresh ones down.
Mom and Natalia were close; especially after Natalia’s parents stopped talking to mine and told her to divorce me. She didn’t listen to them, and for that, they cut her off. That’s when my mom took Natalia under her wing, and I think in a way it made her stronger and gave her the encouragement to do what she loves and to eventually leave my father.
“I’ll try and come more often,” I tell her, knowing that it’s a lie. I say it every year; but I know I won’t come more than once.
Lifting my hand to my mouth, I place a kiss on my fingers and touch the stone again before turning around and walking away from her, knowing that I need to fix what I broke today with Harmony.
As soon as Tristan told me to go home, I was in a state of shock and did what I was told. I’ve been curled up in Mom’s arms ever since I arrived home, still lying on the sofa in the ridiculous princess dress that Izzie insisted I wore.
I was apprehensive about the painting. I’d spent days staring at it and wondering whether I should paint something different or buy something else for her, but a little voice in the back of my mind told me that this was the right thing to do. I wanted to show that I wasn’t trying to take her place in their lives: I wanted Izzie to have something that she’s never had before, something she could treasure.
I didn’t know what to expect, but I never planned for a reaction like that. He was furious and I honestly think that this is it—that my thoughtful present will lead to the demise of our budding relationship before it’s even really begun.
My heart seizes at the thought and I sit up, rubbing at my chest.
“You okay, hon?” Mom asks.
I shake my head and stand up, needing some space. “Not really, but I will be. I’m going to go and change out of this dress.” I scratch my neck. “It’s starting to irritate me.”
Her worried expression has me shooting her a reassuring smile before walking out of the room and up the stairs to get changed.
Once dressed in my comfiest pajama shorts set, I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at the reflection of the tired woman looking back at me. My mascara has gathered underneath my bloodshot eyes, making me look like a panda, so I grab a washcloth and my face cleanser, gently taking off my makeup and sighing at my stupidity.
Bracing myself against the bathroom counter, I inwardly berate myself. I couldn’t have bought her a freaking princess dress or painted her a unicorn, could I? I had to go and paint a picture of her and her late mom and present it to her at her birthday party. What was I thinking?
I shake my head as I remember everyone’s reactions; except now that I think about it, the only one with a bad reaction was Tristan. Sure, everyone was shocked, but Izzie and Clayton seemed to love it.
What if Tristan can’t get over this? He said he’d call me and he hasn’t, but I guess it’s too soon.
I walk down the stairs, dragging my feet into the living room and freeze at the loud knock coming from the front door.
Mom jumps to her feet but I put my hand out, telling her silently that I’ll get it. I look through the peephole and my heart leaps in my chest.
Tristan is standing out on the small porch, rain dripping from his hair that is plastered to his head. He’s soaked to the bone from the torrential downpour that started earlier this evening and hasn’t let up since.
I open the door immediately and his head snaps up, looking at me through sad eyes.
“Harmony.” His voice cracks as he stares at me, uncertainty in his eyes. “Can we…” He blows out a breath and pushes his hand through his soaking wet hair. “Can we talk?”
“Of course, come in.” I push open the door a little farther so he can step inside and I motion toward the kitchen.
He follows me in and sits down at the dining table as I hear footsteps walking up the stairs: Mom giving us some privacy.
“I’ll be right back.” He nods in reply and I run upstairs and grab a towel off the rail, running it back downstairs before handing it to him.
“Thanks,” he says, his voice unsure as he rubs the towel over his hair and face.
“You’re welcome. Can I get you—”
“Harmony, I’m—”
We both chuckle and he motions for me to go first. “Oh, I wasn’t going to say anything important. I was only going to ask if you wanted a cup of coffee or something. You go,” I say, waving my hand at him.
“I’m good.” He clears his throat and looks around before bringing his gaze back to mine. “I… I’m sorry about how I reacted. It was uncalled for, I just…” He blows out a breath. “I didn’t expect it.”
I look down at my hands, inspecting my nails that badly need a manicure. “You don’t need to explain yourself, it was a shock, but… it was my fault. I should’ve talked to you about it. I blindsided you.” I look up at him again. “I’m the one that’s sorry. I thought that… I wanted to give her something that meant more than your standard unicorn or princess.”
“I know... I can see that now.” He drops his gaze to the floor, his hands clenching into fists at his sides before looking back up at me. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. Fuck! I hate that I did.”
He stands up out of the chair he’s sitting in and the towel falls off his lap and onto the floor as he walks toward me. I back up against the kitchen counter behind me, the feel of the wood against my fingertips grounding me.
He stops barely inches away from me and I look up into his face, trying my best to read what he’s showing me with his eyes.
“You’re giving me whiplash with all of these different emotions. I don’t blame you, but it’s confusing,” I tell him honestly.
“I know,” he whispers, bringing his hand up and cupping the side of my face. I break out in goose bumps as the pads of his fingertips graze the soft skin of my cheek. “Sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming or going. But this…” He points between us with his other hand. “This is something that I’ll never second guess.”
“So… you’re not mad at me anymore?”
His lips lift up into a small smile as his gaze flits between my eyes. “No.” He sighs softly, stepping impossibly closer. “Next time, maybe we should talk beforehand though?”
I’m distracted by how he keeps looking down at my lips, but I manage to tear my gaze away and nod. “Absolutely. I really am—”
His lips crush against mine in a bruising kiss that takes my breath away and has me melting into his embrace as I kiss him back with as much passion as he is.
One of his hands tangles up in the back of my hair and the other wraps around my waist, pulling me flush against him. It seems like hours before he finally pulls away and I smile sheepishly, blushing.
“Can we call it a lesson learned and move on?” he asks, his eyes begging me for forgiveness.
“I’d like that,” I say on a breath.
His hand smooths down my hair and he chuckles. “So… what are you doing tomorrow?”
“Something I do every Sunday.”
“You do something every Sunday?” I nod. “Hmm, I never knew that.” He arches a brow in silent question.
“Yeah. I do have a life other than the studio, you know.” I roll my eyes and debate whether I should ask him or not, but in the end, I decide to go for it. “Can you get Amelia or your mom to watch the kids? I want to take you somewhere.” If it helps heal my broken heart, maybe it can do the same for him?
“I…” He bites his bottom lip and looks behind me before bringing his gaze back to mine. “Sure.”
I grin, knowing something he doesn’t and he shoots me a questioning look. “Don’t look so untrusting.”
“Well, are you going to tell me where we’re going?” His hands graze my waist as he holds me against him.
My arms snake up his chest and I entwine my hands behind his neck. “You always were impatient.”
He chuckles before bringing his lips down onto mine, softly kissing me before smirking and saying, “And you should know what happens when you make me wait.”
I walk one of my hands down his chest as the memory of his impatient sulks makes me giggle. “You’ll get over it.”
“Oh, I will, will I?” He gives me a mischievous smile, his eyes shining with laughter before he moves his hand, tickling my side and having me buckle over as my body is overtaken with silent giggles. “Tell me!”
I manage to wiggle out of his hold before crying out, “Never!” as I run out of the kitchen, heading in the direction of the living room.
He catches me before I make it there and pins me up against the wall in the hallway; his chest heaving to the same rhythm as my own.
“I’ve got you now, you can’t get away.” He chuckles and pushes farther into me, the atmosphere changing at the proximity of our bodies. He stares at me, the intensity in his gray eyes is something that I’ve not seen in a very long time.
“Is that so?” I ask.
A serious expression crosses his features before his lips are on mine again, but this time it seems more intense.
A low groan releases from the back of his throat as I fist the wet leather of his jacket in my hands, the material creaking as I pull him closer. I let his tongue brush against mine and moan into his mouth.
His hand wraps around my waist and I’m lifted into the air, my legs locking around his hips automatically to steady me. He pushes against me, pressing into my core, causing another round of moans before his hand is snaking its way under my teal pajama top. I shiver as his fingers graze across the soft skin of my stomach, letting my head fall back.
“Harm,” he murmurs, tracing his nose along the underside of my jaw before pressing his lips softly against the sensitive skin below my ear.
I push my hips toward his, needing the friction as I pull on his hair, bringing his face back up to mine and crashing my lips onto his.
One of his hands cups my thigh as the other continues to wander under my tank before all of a sudden, he’s pulling away and dropping me back down onto the floor gently.
He clears his throat. “Sorry, I got a little carried away. I… I should probably go.”
I blush at the thought that that could’ve gone further than either of us are ready for. We continue to stare at each other for several seconds before I nod and say, “Okay. Be ready by nine tomorrow morning, I’ll drive.”
He groans and lets his head drop back. “Not in that rust bucket you call a car.”
“Hey! I’ve had that car for almost eight years now, she runs like a champ.”
“Dear God, you’re gonna get us killed!”
“She’s never failed me before, so stop your bitching and get gone. A girl needs her beauty sleep.”
He throws his head back in laughter, holding his hands up in the air. “Okay, okay, I’m going.” He takes a few backward steps, a smile still on his face. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I feel like a teenager and I can’t resist one last kiss, taking the steps that separate us and brushing my lips against his. “Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” he murmurs, watching me for several seconds before grinning, shaking his head, and spinning around, walking out of the door.
“You’re going the wrong way,” Mom states sarcastically. “You shout at me for making us late and now you’re driving the wrong way, making us even later.”
“Mom, please let me drive.” I wait a beat before mumbling, “I’m picking up Tristan.”
I see her straighten in her seat out of the corner of my eye. “You’re what? You invited him?” I nod but don’t verbalize my reply. “How romantic: a date at the hospital.”
She rolls her eyes and I narrow mine. “What’s with you? You like Tristan, don’t you?”
She sighs. “Hon, you know I do. I just… You’re spending an awful lot of time together lately and this is supposed to be your healing time. Are you ready for this?”
“He met Gerry when he turned up at the studio, and we’ve only briefly talked about us because I never wanted to ruin the mood, but I think that it’s time that we talked properly. If he’s going to be in my life again, he needs to know everything about me: warts and all.”
She nods in understanding of what I’m trying to say and faces forward, gasping as we pull up to his beautiful house. “He lives here?” Again, I nod. “That’s an awful big house for one man and two little people. Must be lonely.”
“It was Natalia’s dream house,” I say flatly, honking the horn.
“Mmhmm,” she replies, climbing out of the car and getting into the back.
“You didn’t have to do that.” She waves me off and I roll my eyes, honking the horn again.
Izzie appears in the doorway and Tris gives her a kiss. I can’t resist; I get out of the car and run up to them.
“Harmony!” Izzie shouts and it stops me in my tracks, it’s such a little thing for her to use my first name, but it means everything.
Tristan looks between us both and I finally snap out of my trance and bend down, hugging her. “Hey, beautiful. I wish I could stay longer but your dad and I have to get going or we’ll be late.”
She pulls back. “Where are you going?”
“It’s a secret,” I answer, winking at Tris as he rolls his eyes.
He crouches down, pulling Izzie into him and kissing her forehead. “Go inside and find Amelia, pumpkin.”
She pouts at him but smiles at me. “Will you be coming home?”
“Coming home?” That word causes my heart to lurch.
“Yeah, here, after you and Daddy are done with the secret. I want to show you where your birthday present is hanged up.”
“I…”
“Come on, pumpkin. Off you go.” Tris places his hand on her back, tilting his head toward the door.
“Bye,” she sings as she skips back inside and slams the heavy door behind her.
I start to ask what that was about but decide against it. “Come on then, we’re going to be a little late.”
He takes a step toward the car and stumbles. “Your mom is coming?”
“Yeah, I brought my mom along. Thought it’d make it interesting.” I roll my eyes as I open the car door and climb in, shutting it on his loud laugh.
He climbs in the passenger side and swivels around in his seat. “Hi, Tilly. How are you?”
“Morning, Tristan. Make sure you put your seatbelt on.”
The ignition stutters to life with a bang and Tris turns back toward me, looking at me with wide eyes before grabbing the handle above the door. “I really think we should take my car.”
Mom laughs as I steer us down the driveway before he scrambles to strap himself in and I burst out laughing, receiving a warning look from him which doesn’t phase me one bit. I know my car is on her way out, but I’ve had her for so long now that I couldn’t imagine not driving her. I will get a new car eventually, just not today.
There’s several touch-and-go moments on the way to the hospital where Tris holds on for dear life as I drive around the corners and the car screeches, but nothing is as funny as when we were at a stoplight and the exhaust backfired; he ducked his head and mine, shielding me. He thought someone was shooting at us.
I find a parking space and he lets out a giant breath that he seems to have been holding the entire time. “Thank God!” He pushes out of the car and looks up at the sky before he crouches down, placing both hands on the asphalt. “I’m safe.”
“Stop being so dramatic,” I quip, making Mom laugh.
He lifts his head and seems to realize where we are for the first time, his whole body going rigid.
“Tris?”
“Why are we here?” His voice is low, a deep rumble. I take a step toward him, touching his arm gently but his muscles are tense and I don’t think he registers my touch.
“I’ll show you if you’ll come with me.” I thread my fingers through his and he seems to relax slightly at the contact.
We walk up to the neonatal unit in silence but I feel his hand tighten around mine as he looks around on high alert. Mom pushes the buzzer to be let into the unit and we all sterilize our hands with the sanitizer that is attached to the wall.
“Hey, Tilly, hey, Harmony. Oh, and who is this fine specimen you’ve brought with you today?” Belinda—one of the regular nurses—asks.
Tris clears his throat and shakes her hand as we giggle. “Tristan Carter.”
“Well, Tristan Carter, you can come back anytime you want to.”
He laughs and it seems to ease the tension in his shoulders as he faces me again. “So, what are we doing here, Harm?” His gaze flits around the room briefly before settling back on me.
“I’ll meet you back here in a few hours,” Mom says and walks off in the direction of the room that the babies are kept in.
“I didn’t want to tell you before we got here because I didn’t think that you’d come.” I pause a beat, trying to gauge his reaction. “I’ve been coming for a while now.” I walk toward the room and he follows behind me, cautiously. “It’s been… helping me to come to terms with a few things in my life.” I take two pairs of scrubs off the shelf and hand one to Tristan. “You don’t have to come in with me, but I’d like you to. You can change in that room over there.”
He turns around to where I’m pointing and looks back at me curiously, tilting his head. “Coming to terms with things?”
A small sigh escapes my lips at having to tell him; I don’t know how he’s going to react. “How about you put those on and we can talk after? I’ll tell you everything, I promise.”
He watches me for a beat before sighing and saying, “Okay,” then reaching over for the scrubs and walking into the room to get changed.
He exits a couple of minutes later with his clothes in his hands, still looking apprehensive.
“Put them here beside Mom’s things. They’ll be safe.” He places his jeans and t-shirt down on the shelf and I walk toward the room he’s just vacated. “I’ll be out in a sec.”
“O-okay,” he replies, his voice unsure as he looks around, his gaze flitting everywhere.
I slip into the blue scrubs and make my way out, placing my clothes in a pile beside his and watching as he leans against the wall, arms folded across his chest.
He raises a brow. “I know, I know, Mr. Impatient.” I walk over and lean against the wall beside him and looking down at my hands as I prepare to tell him about the pain in my past. “Gerry and I, we were happy at one point, believe it or not.” I look back up at him and his face screws up, but I continue on. “We had no worries really. He had a good job and I loved working at a studio doing similar to what I do now. That was until I started to notice the way I was watching the parents dropping off their kids. I wanted that kind of relationship.”
“That’s understandable,” he comments, searching my eyes for the real reason that I’m telling him all of this.
I sigh, trying to dispel the lump forming in my throat before telling him the rest. “I told Gerry how I was feeling and he seemed less than happy about the notion of having kids at first, so I gave up on the idea for a while. That was until he brought it up again. We tried for months but nothing was happening, then one day we finally got the good news that I was almost two months pregnant.” My eyes flutter closed, my nails digging into my palms as I try to keep my emotions under control.
Whenever I think about that time, it feels like it happened to someone else. It may sound cold, but I’ve detached myself from all of the memories, because I have to. If I let myself feel what I did back then, I’ll never move forward and teaching kids would hurt every time I looked into their eyes, knowing that I’ll never have what their parents have.
Talking about this with Tris is breaking me, but I need to tell him so that he understands. I open my eyes again before taking a deep breath. “We were so happy, but… two weeks later, I felt sick and had stabbing pains low in my stomach.” I blow out a breath, my voice growing hoarse. “I knew that something wasn’t right but I went about my daily tasks anyway, hoping and praying that the small niggling voice in the back of my mind was wrong. I wanted to stay in my bubble. I remember being rushed to the hospital after I started bleeding and the pain became unbearable, but everything after that is a blur.”
“Oh, God, Harm.”
“I miscarried... not once, but twice in the time that we tried for kids.”
I feel his hand touch my shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
I stare into his gray eyes. “I’m not telling you this for sympathy, I just… I needed to tell you.” He nods and waits for me to get my emotions under control. “After the miscarriages, Gerry didn’t want to try again. I wanted kids more than anything so I saw a doctor.” I sigh. “I found out that I can get pregnant, but I can’t carry a baby. I hated myself for not being able to do the one thing that a woman should be able to do for a long time. I threw myself into working with the kids at the studio, but something was missing. There’s always been something missing, that is until my mom brought me here.”
“I don’t understand,” he says, his brow furrowed in confusion.
I take a deep breath, suppressing the memories and pushing them back inside that locked box inside my mind before sterilizing my hands again and buzzing us through the door in front of us. “Come on, I’ll show you.”
He sterilizes his hands and walks through the now open door, his face an unreadable mask as he looks around at all of the incubators.
I walk over to “Baby F” and the nurse joins me, smiling. “Good to see you back here again. He’s gotten big, hasn’t he?”
I glance down at the gorgeous baby boy and nod. “He sure has, can I?”
“Sure.” She takes him out, making sure all the wires that he’s hooked up to aren’t disturbed as I sit down in the armchair beside the incubator and she places him on my chest.
“Hey, little man. I’m back, did you miss me?” I run my finger down his cheek, marveling at the fact that he’s no longer shaking.
I’m so lost in the moment that I don’t notice Tristan has bent down beside me until he speaks. “Hey, little guy.” He does the same as I did, running his finger across his cheek before looking up at me, a smile on his face and a glint in his eyes that I haven’t seen before.
Our eyes meet and he nods at me like this explains everything, but I have to voice it anyway. “Coming here has helped relieve the ache that I feel. What I do at the studio means everything to me, but these babies?” “Baby F” wraps his tiny hand around my finger. “They need people like us. These aren’t ordinary babies, Tris. They’re essentially recovering addicts.”
“What?” he whispers, but his voice is gravelly, and I can tell that he’s not happy with what I said from the way his brow furrows and the muscle that tics in his jaw. “They’re recovering addicts?”
I nod, a tear rolling down my cheek. He wipes it away, his hand lingering on my face as I barely breathe my next sentence. “I won’t ever get to be a mom, yet there are women out there that fill their bodies with substances, damaging these innocent lives that they’re carrying. How is that fair, Tris?”
“Not everyone has the kind heart that you do, sunshine.”
My head snaps up at the use of his old nickname for me and I smile. “Sunshine? You remembered.”
He snorts. “Of course I remembered.” I lean into his hand that is still lingering on my face.
“I bet you want to run away now.” I smile sadly.
“Never again,” he says, suddenly turning serious. I blush as I cuddle the baby against my chest, looking up at him when he clears his throat. “When do I get my turn?” he asks, putting on a smile and looking around at all of the babies that are lying in their incubators.
“Well, this one’s my special boy, but I’m sure Nurse Franklin can hook you up.”
The nurse chuckles and walks over to an incubator. “This little guy could sure use a cuddle. He’s been out of the danger zone for two weeks now and is yet to be cuddled by anyone but us.”
Tris smiles and walks over to the incubator opposite the one I’m sitting next to. He sits down in the armchair as she hands the tiny baby to him, his face suddenly looking frightened.
“Tris?” He looks over at me and I give him an encouraging smile. “Thanks for being here.”
His lips lift at the corner before he looks down at the baby and then back up at me. “Of course. Although it’s not what I expec—” His body tenses and his eyes widen. “Harm, what’s happening?” His voice is panicked as he looks at the machines that start to beep like crazy around him. “I… Harm?”
I sit up, cradling the baby I’m holding against my chest as I look around for Nurse Franklin. I can see the back of the baby that Tris is holding moving up and down rapidly as it shakes uncontrollably. “Don’t panic, Tris. Everything’s okay.” His eyes look far away as he watches Nurse Franklin and another nurse rush in and take the baby off him.
He stands and starts to back away toward the door, his eyes focused on the nurses working to get the baby stable.
“Tris, look at me.” His gaze flashes toward mine but immediately darts back as if he’s not really seeing me. I’m frustrated because I can’t go after him. “Nurse, can you please take him?”
A nurse standing off to the side takes “Baby F” from me as Tris walks out of the door. I walk out after him but he’s not here. His clothes are still beside mine in a pile so I walk out into the hallway, catching sight of him as he turns the corner to the stairwell.
I run to catch up and find him running down a flight of stairs. “Tris? It’s okay, he’s stabilizing.”
He stops but doesn’t turn to look at me. “I can’t…” His voice breaks, causing a lump to bubble up in my throat. “You… you shouldn’t have brought me here.” He shakes his head, still not looking back at me.
“I wanted you to understand. If you’re serious about us, you need to know that we can never…” My heart breaks saying the words. “We can never have kids.”
I can see his back moving as he gasps for breath before he turns around. “You didn’t need to bring me here to tell me that, Harm.” He rakes his hand through his hair, blowing out a breath. “This place… I can’t…” He bends at the knees and lets his head drop in his hands.
“You can’t what? Be here and support me? I’m sorry for what’s happened to you, Tristan, I really am. But you need to stop running. You can’t keep doing this every time something reminds you of her.”
My voice echoes around the stairwell, making my statement a whole lot more powerful. But it breaks to silence; silence that is so full of tension that I wait on bated breath for his reply.
He laughs sarcastically—a laugh that I’m getting a little tired of hearing—before he stands and takes two steps toward me. “You’ll never understand, Harmony. I get why you wanted to bring me here, I do. But that in there?” He points back toward the hallway that we came out of. “That was too much for me. This weekend has been too much.”
I sigh in defeat, maybe he’s right. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought him here. “Let me get our things and I’ll take you home.”
“No.” My head snaps up at his tone. “I’ll make my own way home.”
“Tristan, it’s not a—”
“Harmony.” His voice is a warning. “I’m leaving and you’re staying.”
I’m gobsmacked at his blatant order, not really knowing what to say back to him. I’m a patient person, but this is all too much. “You know what? Leave. Run. Apparently it’s your signature move.”
I wait for his reply but all he does is shake his head, turning and continuing walking down the stairs.
I turn and push the door behind me open with force, hearing it bang off the wall as I walk away, tears rolling down my cheeks at his selfishness.