Chapter Thirty-Two
Conrad went to wait in the lounge area while I went to my first support group. He kept urging me to go, and I finally caved. I was too scared to go up until that point I think. Scared what I’d learn about myself. Learn that I was never who I thought I was, and while I was happy about having the babies, I was still so confused about so many things, so I knew I needed to talk to somebody.
I stood outside the door. The sign on it read: So, you’re an omega. I gulped and walked inside, taking a seat in a circle of blue plastic chairs. I was the only pregnant one. Even in a room of omegas, I felt like the odd one out. A balding white guy right about my height gave me a warm smile as I sat down.
“You must be Mason.”
“Yeah,” I said, my eyes darting to the floor.
“I’m Mr. Barber. We’re glad to have you.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
“Let’s start.” Mr. Barber took a seat and glanced over the circle of people sitting around him. There was six of us, not including Mr. Barber. “Most of you have known your whole lives that there was a chance you were an omega, and when you find out, it’s a confusing time, and for many of us, it stays confusing. Makes us question who we are. Then there are the ones like Mason here.” He flipped his hand in my direction. “Would you like to introduce yourself. Tell us about yourself a little. Only if you feel up to it.”
“Okay. Um, hi. I’m Mason Donnelly. I’m nineteen, and I knew nothing about any of this until I went to the doctor because I was sick. Talk about being surprised.” And I even surprised myself right then. I felt so nervous when I first walked in, but there I sat with words spilling from my mouth. “And I kind of love being pregnant. Bringing these babies into the world. I mean, it’s quite frightening, but there’s a calm in me that just kind of accepts it. It’s the rest I’m still confused about. I’ve always identified as a man.”
“If that’s how you identify, you still are, Mason,” Mr. Barber said. Everyone in the group nodded along with him.
“I do, but then, biologically, I’m basically a female.”
He slowly shook his head. “Not true, and that doesn’t matter anyway.”
“But maybe it does. I had always been so worried about being small. Not being like all the other guys who grew chest hair, had broad shoulders, had an awesome sized penis, but I think I was worried because somehow, I knew the truth. I knew I was different and didn’t want to admit it.” Talk about an epiphany. Maybe somehow, deep down, I always knew.
“Sometimes, you need to feel comfortable in your own skin before you can fully realize something,” Mr. Barber said, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his knees, clasping his hands together.
“At first, I was so upset, but now, it’s like it makes sense, but I still don’t know what to call myself.”
“Many of us identify differently. I identify as male. I use male pronouns.” Mr. Barber pointed to himself.
“I’m non-binary,” said a person with scraggly red hair and a big smile that sat across from me.
“Not intersex?”
“No, because I don’t feel like I’m a combination of the two. I feel like I’m neither male or female.”
“I’m Marla. I’m trans. I completed my transition last year. I use female pronouns.” She sat next to the redhead.
“And I go by female. She/her,” said a petite blond. “I’m Jennifer.”
“Um…”
“Not all omegas present as male. Ones that present as female are rarer, but as you can see, here I am,” she said, emphasizing her point with jazz hands.
“And you don’t have to identify as anything. Labels aren’t needed here,” Mr. Barber said.
“I like my male pronouns. I know I’m a guy, but this past couple of months … the female part of me is pretty wonderful, and I don’t want to not acknowledge it. If that makes any sense.”
“It makes plenty of sense, Mason.”
“Can I say I’m a male and a little bit female?”
“You can call yourself whatever you want. Some use they as their pronoun and identify as intersex.”
“Can I use he and still identify as that?” I asked. Maybe I needed some kind of rule book, a set of guidelines.
“Of course. You can say an intersex male.”
“I think that sounds kind of right, but...” I still didn’t know for sure. After all the time I spent being upset and worried, I was coming to love everything female about me.
“There’s no rush to figure these things out.”
“Okay,” I whispered.