I watched her for most my life. Even when she didn't think I was watching her, I was. When I moved in next door to her, I knew she was different. I always wanted to be around her. First because she was so funny. As kids, she made everyone laugh. Until they started to laugh at her.

Her family never had money and when they did, they certainly didn't spend it on her. Not on clothes or shoes or haircuts. Not even on school supplies. By the time I was in sixth grade, my parents adored her and took her shopping with us every school year.

I was already protecting her then. No one dared say a word to her after I beat the shit out of Tommy Wyatt for calling her white trash. He lived literally a block away in a shack behind the pick and save. Not exactly Daddy Warbucks himself, the prick.

Soon it was just the two of us. Which was fine by me. I liked living in the country. Messing around in the woods and fishing in the creeks. I took Cress with me everywhere. The two of us just fit together. I was a year older, but you couldn’t tell. Cress was wiser than me on my best day but that wisdom came at a price.

Cress was mouthy and angry and wouldn’t let anyone in. Until I came crashing into her back yard, looking for someone to hang out with. Just like that, she became my shadow and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

Cress was my best friend and for most my life, my entire fucking world. We laid out in the woods getting eaten up by bugs and watching the stars. Swimming in the springs a few miles from home. Talking about everything. If I did it, so did my Bug. If I went somewhere, so did she. At least, I thought we shared everything.

When I was about eleven, I didn't see Cress for a few days. Which was unheard of; we saw each other every day. Most nights I snuck into her bedroom and we watched movies or talked and laughed. We were inseparable, so four days had just about driven me mad.

I knew things were rough at her place. I had no idea how rough, though. When I snuck into her room that night, I was pissed and ready to lay into her. Ignore me for four days? No fucking way. Cress was all I had. All I really needed.

Without even realizing it, Cress broke my fucking heart that night. For the first time. When I found her curled up on her bed, I knew something was wrong. I slid in beside her, the moonlight showing me enough. Too much.

Her jaw had bruises in the shape of her father's fists. The same side of her face had gashes from the gaudy rings he wore, and a black eye. Her tiny heart shaped mouth was busted open, but scarring over. Just like the rest of her. I brought her close to me and let her cry and then I realized I was crying too. For hours I held her before she told me what he had done. What he had been doing right in front of me.

"I'll slice his fucking throat." I’d meant it and would have done it that night. But, my Bug needed me.

We might have had it rough financially, after my father got laid off, but my family got through shit together. My parents were strong, proud people and the most loving I ever knew. They would do anything for anyone. The only person I knew who could possibly love more than my father was Cress.

My Bug.

From the lighting bugs she was fascinated with, hence her nickname of course, to the bunnies and fawn that we watched in the woods. To the rotten drunk she called a father who even then I knew she still tried to love. And, me of course; I was not a cocky prick, but I knew Cress thought the world of me. Seemed fair; I thought she hung the fucking stars.

I told her that night I would protect her. I played football almost all my life. Pee Wee, then junior leagues; I had aggression that came from nowhere and it was a good way to channel it. By then, at just eleven, I was almost six feet and over two hundred pounds. I did two a days for fun.

I knew I might not be a match for a grown man but I had rage I would gladly take out on him. I’d make him regret if he ever put his fucking hands on my Bug again though. I wanted to tell everyone but knew it might shame her. Might even make it worse.

After that night, I rarely left her side. We studied, even though Cress was borderline genius, and played video games or put models together. If it felt like shit was going to go down at her place, if her dad was on a tear, I took her to my place.

After a while my mom just set a place for her every night. Which meant Cress actually ate. Every single fucking night I snuck into her bedroom or brought her over to mine. For literally years. From the time we were young enough for it not to matter until it was likely improper.

Even before those nights in the fields, learning what we could make each other feel, it had changed.  Suddenly, she was all I wanted, all I thought about. And I thought everything about her. But, I would never let anyone suggest what we did was wrong. What we felt, how it changed from kids playing in the woods to teens seeking each other out in the darkness, could never be wrong.

One night we were lying in her bed, her head on my chest and long blonde hair spread over my stomach. Suddenly her father pounded at the door. Drunk and belligerent. Calling her a whore and telling her if she was giving it out, he was getting some too. I was fucking disgusted. The real whore was her piece of shit mom who did nothing to protect her.

She didn’t need them, though. She had me. And I had her. Cress' father and I had a chat after that, though. A chat that involved the two of us, a baseball bat and his kneecaps. The asshole still lost all their rent money at the casinos, beat her mom and even raised his voice a few times to my Bug. Never again did he come banging at her door or did he raise a hand to her though.

When I entered high school, I suddenly realized I hated that tiny town. I loved my parents but I was miserable. Cress always had big dreams; always wanted to see Boston or New York. Paris one day, she said. Soon her dreams became mine. As long as it involved me sticking by her side, it was what I wanted.

We talked about running away together. Never made real plans, just wanted to go. We even ran a few times. Never got past the hot springs a few miles past our parish, though. I don't know when it changed from me wanting to save her to me just wanting her. I can't really pin point it, though I've tried a thousand times. I just know one day it was more than it was the day before.

Cress was always different. Beautiful before she had any right to be. By the time she was in junior high she looked like a damn pinup model. Which though I pretended otherwise, for her sake, I fucking noticed before anyone else. Suddenly, everyone else noticed and I hated it. Cress had always been mine. Only mine.

When other freshman and even sophomore guys started to want her, I went fucking crazy. Those assholes terrorized her for years then she grew some tits and filled out her cut offs and they wanted her? Too fucking bad. First, Cress was way too good for any of the losers in that town. Myself included. That fact aside, Cress was mine.

"Cress is suddenly looking like my next plow, Walker. She any good?" Tommy Wyatt chortled one afternoon when he spotted Cress waiting for me after practice.

"Wyatt, you get close enough to swing that stick you call a dick at my girl, I'll cut your fucking balls off and feed them to your mother. " My old friend rage tore through me, something only the field and my Cress ever managed to soothe.

For weeks I battled what I was feeling for her. I was fifteen and had the hottest chick I'd ever seen in my bed every night. I stroked it on the regular, sometimes with her right there. I felt guilty about it until her tits brushed against my chest or she moaned in her sleep. Straight to my cock that shit went. We didn't talk different or act that different but suddenly it felt totally different. I was terrified of losing her.

By then I hated Eden Springs. Because I wanted to get Cress out of there and didn't know how. Didn't know what the fuck to do to take her away from there and give her what she wanted. I just knew whatever she asked, I wanted to give to her. Including those nights in the fields.

When she asked me, I admitted that I liked her sexy tits. That peachy perfect ass of hers. I realized as I said the words how much she wanted me to say them. The nights in those fields was where we fell in love. Because we got to explore how we made each other feel. We didn't need to talk about what it was or what it meant. It just was. 

I knew it was more than she realized. I was in love with her and wanted her just for myself. I never wanted anyone else to know how beautiful she looked in the moonlight. How her skin tasted, or how her tits felt pressed against them. That was all mine and I wanted her to know it too.

Part of me feared it was just wanting what everyone else seemed to want. I fought that for weeks, wondering if those nights in the fields might be all we ever did together. If it was just us feeling safe enough with one another to explore each other, explore what we could feel.

I considered that a possibility until the final football game of the season. Cress was there to watch us win, rooting for all she was worth. I knew I loved her, knew I wanted her like nothing else. But looking out at the crowd, seeing her pride, her love, lighting her up like the fucking sun, I realized it was a lot more than even I had realized.

I was in love with her, and it was for keeps. After the game, I didn’t even hesitate; I wanted her, wanted to give her everything and I wanted to do it right then. When I climbed into her room that night, it was to tell her I loved her, wanted her to be mine for real, for good. I wanted to take her away and give her the fucking world.

I’d tried to protect her most our lives but I wasn't protecting her from my feelings. I was protecting myself. Also, I was lying to her and I couldn't do that. I held her close one last time then told her I couldn't wait anymore. Couldn’t wait to know she was mine, to make her mine in every fucking way. I wanted her too fucking bad to wait.

I knew. Once I tasted her sweet, perfect mouth. I knew that was it. I was fifteen positive I’d found my soul mate. How could I know that at fifteen? I barely knew anyone else besides Cress. Didn't matter. When she opened her full lips and my tongue slipped inside, I was done.

With that kiss, we made our first promise. It was us against the rest of the world from that moment on. I begged her to run away with me. That very night; I wanted to start our lives together. Begin the plans we’d been making for years. I wanted to see the places she talked about. With her.

"Yes. Let's go right now." I kissed her for what felt like hours then we made plans to take my scooter and hit the road. Foolish, reckless idiots.

I planned to go back to her after I got some things. Left a note for my parents. That was tough, writing that note. I loved my parents but right then, I loved Cress more. I could see nothing, think of nothing, feel nothing else but her. I needed her more than I needed them. More than I needed air to breathe, it seemed.

I propped the note up on my dresser and had one foot, bag packed over my shoulder, out the window when I heard it. The crash of my father hitting the floor as a massive heart attack ended every plan I’d ever had.

My mother and father were twenty years together then and loved each other like nothing I’d ever seen. Watching him strapped to a gurney with a paramedic on his chest trying to pump life back into him changed her. Might have changed me. Somehow, my Bug was there. As if she felt my pain, my girl was there even before the ambulance.

Cress was there for all the hours we waited for an answer. Holding me and kissing away my tears. Cress got us food and made my mother eat. When the doctor came out with a grim look and a sad shake of his head, Cress caught my mother before she hit the floor. Then she caught me too.

Cress spoke for us when we couldn’t as we planned the funeral. Kept the kids who didn't give a shit before drama gave them a reason to at bay. Every single night my Bug was there, feeding us and holding me and letting me cry. Telling my mother she loved my father like her own. I think Cress was the only reason I made it out of that at all. Maybe mom too; however, my mother was never the same.

"Judge, honey,” I hadn't been to school in a few days or her to work when she told me, “I think we need to go. I can't...he loved this tiny town so I did too. Now...." I knew what she meant and I knew she needed it but it meant my life was about to be over. Unless.

"I... I can't leave Cress. I know you need to go. I will go only if I can take her with. I love her mom. Not just...not like it was before. Please let her come." My mother shook her head but made a compromise.

"Not now. I know...honey I know you love her. I love that girl too. Right now, I need...I have to get out of here or I won't make it either. I need to go home."

Home was Oregon; my parents met when dad was in the navy and mom lived on the coast near his base. My father had grown up in New Orleans and loved Louisiana. However, he loved the tiny Bayou and back wood towns surrounding it more. After he got laid off from his job as a pipefitter in Oregon, we headed here.

We loved that parish and that shit hole town because my father did. I knew why she had to go but I couldn't leave my girl. Not now when I just got her.

"Mom....I can't just...I need her. I don't give a shit if I'm fifteen and you think this is some crush or puppy love. I love Cress; she's my girl and she's always gonna be my girl. I'm going to marry her someday." My mother smiled at me with tears in her eyes and nodded.

"Oh honey, I know it's not just some teenage thing. I know you two will end up together. No matter what. Right now, I need you to get me through this, Judge. I can't do it alone. We will get settled then bring your Bug up with us. I promise, Judge." I believed her so I agreed.

Days later my entire life was packed into a U-Haul. Except the most important part. Cress was destroyed and it tore me to pieces to watch her believe I'd ever let her go. Even if I had to for a while. I meant what I said to my mother. Cress would be mine forever, didn't matter when that forever really started.

I promised her I would come for her or send for her. Anything she needed to hear to not give up on me. To not let the shit show of a life she had ruin her. I couldn't stand if I caused that. I couldn't let her think I was walking away. My last night with her I asked her to come with me, one way or another. I told her the most important thing she didn't know yet.

"I can't be without you, Bug. I love you so much." I did and I knew it was more than a horny teenager wanting to get into some girls’ pants. I also knew she loved me too, even if she didn't know how much.

"Can I? I don't want to be without you. I love you too, Judge." Made my fucking world when she said it back and I knew I would do anything to keep her saying it forever.

"I won't. I love you too much, Bug. You and me, together. That's how it's supposed to be."

That night at the hot springs was fucking magical. I led Cress into the water, both of us naked, and made her mine. Completely. I made love to her for what felt like hours. Told her I loved her and I needed her forever. It didn't feel awkward or fumbling but I'm sure it was.

Cress felt like fucking heaven and the look in her beautiful eyes when I took her stayed with me long after. It was like magic feeling her like that at last. It was also tragic. Because it was the last night I saw her for way too long. Not nearly as long as my Bug thought, though.

We tried so hard for months to get her to me. I saved money and called her every single day. We cried and told each other we loved each other. I made her promise after promise. Ones that I had to break over and over.

My mother was losing her fucking mind by then. Moving home had done little to help and I was drowning. I needed Cress and she wasn't there. I didn't blame her though. Not at first.

Then, I wondered if she really loved me. If I didn't have my mother to take care of, I would have walked my ass the thousand miles to my girl. Why didn't she do the same for me? Cress had nothing holding her to that fucking town. So, I got angry. Because I couldn't be angry at my mother for her broken heart. For her unknowingly breaking mine and Cress' hearts too.

We shared one last call where we both knew it was done. I never thought I could leave my mother's side again and I felt trapped. I needed to hear something different from Cress that night. There was no way for her to know that, of course. So, it could never have been enough for either of us.

I loved her so much I couldn't function without her. I lied and told her how much she would like it there. How nice the kids at my new school were. How pretty the town was. It was all true, but without her there with me, it didn't matter. I was tired of hurting her. Of hurting over her. I didn't even mean to do what I did that night. I didn't say the words, but what I did say was enough.

"I love you so fucking much, Cress. I miss you. It's so hard." I could hear her sadness, could feel it through the phone.

"I'm so sorry Judge. I miss you too, baby. I love you so much." I wasn't strong enough to be strong for all of us and I broke. I cried and said all that stupid shit to make her think I was better off without her.

We said goodbye and I knew she would let me go. Because she loved me more than she loved herself. Which was more than I could say about my selfish ass. Cress never thought she deserved a single thing. Let alone someone who loved her like I did.

Letting me go was the biggest sacrifice she could make and while I loved her more for it, I hated myself for making her do it. Days later I lost it. I called and called, wanting to beg her to let me come to her. I would leave my mother to my grandparents. I wasn't the parent, after all. I needed Cress and I had lost her and it had ripped me open.

Cress never took another call from me. More than once I found myself at the bus station, cash for a ticket in hand. Enough for me to get to her. To get to my Bug. Never enough to bring her to me. Which is why I never bought the ticket.

I made her lots of promises in the dark all those nights lying with her in bed. I would always take care of her. It would always be the two of us together. We would see the world and do whatever my Bug wanted. Anything. I intended to keep that promise. Which meant I let her go too. For a while.

For too long I didn't keep tabs on her. I couldn't know. I took care of my mother as best I could. Which wasn't really much at all. I graduated early and worked to pay for a nurse to help out. Then I started to build something for us. For Cress and I.

I didn't reach out to her or call her or even look for information on her. Mostly because I didn't want to think of the cowardly way I had abandoned her. Had let her think I was breaking all my promises.

Truth was, I spent all our time apart keeping those promises. When I went to her, I would be able to give my Bug the fucking world.