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CHAPTER 23 - ANNA
Five more tests confirmed it. I was pregnant.
It made my decision to go back with Tess and her family easier. She had been through it before, and was going through it again. I hopped on the plane with them and we were at her house in NJ that evening.
From her house, you could see the glow of New York across the river. My apartment, my life, all over there, a soft glow on the horizon.
The doubts about keeping the baby started almost immediately. But the doubts were small ones, and mostly concerned what Marcus would become and what that would do to a kid, a father who was a mob boss, no matter his good qualities, that was a major con.
But maybe he wouldn't have to know about it. Maybe I could keep it a secret. Maybe I would never see Marcus again and it wouldn't matter.
I made Tess promise not to tell Gianni or anyone until I had made up my mind. It was already made up for the most part. I didn't want to get rid of it. I wanted it, even though there were so many reasons against it. But I wanted it. Whatever problems, I could solve, I could figure them out. Tess was single mom before Gianni, if she could do it I could.
The drive into New York took more than an hour, even though the city could be seen in the windshield, getting there was the hard part.
Finally I parked the car in front of my building and went up to the apartment. I had a sense of dread for a moment when I opened the door, but everything was just as I had left it. It smelled unfamiliar, it smelled like someone coming inside on a really cold day. The absence of smell. I opened the windows and sprayed some air freshener.
I packed a bag of clothes, tried to think what else I wanted or needed, but Tess was so close in New Jersey that I didn’t have to take everything. I could even sleep here and spend my days there, if I wanted. I would have to go back to work eventually, and this was where the work was, not in New Jersey. I grabbed my rolodex and laptop along with clothes, and looked around once more to think if I needed anything else. I always feel like I forget something when I leave a place.
I wanted a bath, really. I was packed and ready to go, but lord I wanted a bath. I ran the hot water- too hot, but just right, and undressed. The oils were there, and smelled stronger than I remembered. I added the lilac and it diffused through the whole room, and I could smell it in my bones, soothing me. Everything was going to be okay.
I dunked myself in the tub, the world melted away, sounds were muffled and distorted, I opened my eyes, and the world outside the tub was distorted, lengthened, softened. The world is easier to take in underwater, more peaceful, the edges are softened, and sounds are muffled and lengthened and garbled. Out there has no place in here. The thought of a baby being in me, underwater for 9 months, soothing and peaceful, then ripped out of its own bath to join the rest of us, struck me as a cruel thing to do. But a 9 month long bath could make all the rest of it easier to take. Whatever doubts I had were gone picturing a 9 month bath. I smiled and surfaced. But I should have stayed under.
I heard the locks to my door open with a sharp click, and an unfamiliar voice call out, "ANNA?"
I wanted to duck in again, or jump out and lock the bathroom door, but I froze. "Anna!" the voice cried out again, I imagined Marcus, but that was not his voice.
Tommy burst through the bathroom door and fell to his knees next to the tub, throwing his arms in and around me, hugging me. "Anna, you’re back and safe, I can't believe it." It looked like he was about to cry.
"Of course I am, didn't you get my note?"
"I did. I didn't believe it. You were kidnapped weren't you?'
The man can certainly ruin a good bath. "At first, but not really. Not after the first few weeks. How are you here? I was going to call you, but,” why was I explaining myself to him?
"Oh, I’m so glad you're safe. I called the police, but there wasn't much they were willing to do. Some lawyer in New Jersey was paying your rent and bills, but he wouldn't tell me anything.”
"How did you know I was here now?"
"I paid the doorman to call me if you or anyone else showed up. Do you need a doctor or anything? Psychologist? Police?"
"No, I'm fine." Annoyed, but fine. "Can I finish my bath and get dressed?”
"Of course, but we need to do something, who kidnapped you?”
"Nobody, let that go.”
"What do you mean let it go?”
"You've been abused and held captive, how are you not going to the police?”
"Because I'm not. Please leave."
"You're nuts. You enjoyed being . . .”
"Tommy, enough, please leave."
"You heard the lady, time to go."
It was Marcus, standing at the door, his eyes filled with fire.