chapter twenty-two

MEREDITH

The Friday after Josie’s birthday, on the afternoon I’m supposed to fly to New York, Harper has a meltdown that has absolutely nothing to do with me leaving—or her earlier realization that I will be missing trick-or-treating on Monday, a source of considerable maternal guilt. Instead, in a case of life imitating art, she has seemingly lost her beloved stuffed animal, just like the little girl in Knuffle Bunny, Harper’s favorite Mo Willems book.

“Where did you last see it?” Nolan asks her—a question that has always mystified me, and seems especially ridiculous when posed to a hysterical four-year-old.

“I. Want. Raaaaa-bby!” she sobs in response.

“I know, sweetie,” I say, looking under the sofa, though I know he’s too big to fit under it. “We’ll find him. I promise.”

Nolan clears his throat and says, “Um. We probably shouldn’t make any promises. If you get my drift.”

I look up at him, still on my knees, and my heart drops, considering that they just returned home from a father-daughter outing to Legoland.

“Nolan,” I say slowly. “Are you trying to tell me something here?”

“Maybe?” he says, his voice rising in a question, looking panic-stricken.

“Please, please, for the love of God, tell me that Harper did not take Rabby to Legoland,” I say, standing and looking directly into his eyes.

Nolan stares back at me, but he doesn’t reply, as a wave of terror passes through me. I remind myself that I still have Harper, that there hasn’t been a kidnapping, that we’re talking about a stuffed animal, an inanimate object.

“I’m positive we had him in the car,” Nolan says, looking anything but positive.

“How positive?” I say.

“One hundred percent positive,” he says. “I remember seeing Rabby in the rearview mirror.”

For one second I’m relieved. Then I say, “Wait. On the way there? Or on the way home?”

Nolan scratches his head and shrugs. “That…I’m not sure about,” he says.

“Nolan!” I groan, pressing my hands to my forehead. “How many times have I told you not to let her take Rabby out of the house? You know it would be a disaster if he gets lost for good!”

“I didn’t know she had him when we left,” he says.

I take a deep breath, my mind racing. “Did you call Legoland?” I say, as Harper’s sobs begin to ramp up.

“Of course,” he says. “Multiple times. I’ve left two messages and also talked to some guy at the front desk.”

“And?”

“Nobody’s turned it in yet.”

“So you did leave it there?”

“I don’t know, Meredith,” he says, then blurts out an irrelevant fact. “I took her there so you could pack in peace….”

“So this is my fault?”

“I didn’t say that….”

I turn away from him and say, “Harper, honey. C’mere, baby.”

“I want Raaaa-bbbyyy!” she wails, rubbing both fists into her eyes, her face coated with a mixture of snot and tears.

“I know, sweetie,” I say. “Daddy and I are doing our best to find him.”

She repeats that she wants Rabby, then adds that she misses Rabby very, very much.

“I know, baby,” I say, my stomach in knots, as I glance at my watch.

“What time’s your flight?” Nolan asks for at least the third time today.

“Seven,” I say. “But obviously I’m not going now.”

“Why not?” Nolan says.

I ask him if he’s serious, and he replies that yes, he is serious. “You being here won’t change anything,” he adds.

I bite my lip, nod, and say, “That’s really nice, Nolan. Thank you.”

“I mean in terms of the damn rabbit,” he says under his breath.

The phone rings before I can reply, and I make the mistake of glancing at caller ID and seeing Josie’s name. Deciding it really can’t get any worse, I answer the phone.

“Hi, Josie. We’re kind of in the middle of a crisis here,” I say before she can speak.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“We can’t find Rabby.”

“Oh,” she says, clearly thinking that we’ve simply misplaced Rabby, as opposed to leaving him at freakin’ Legoland.

I walk out of Harper’s earshot, cupping the receiver as I fill Josie in. “On top of that,” I add, “I have a flight that leaves in a few hours….”

“Where are you going?” she asks.

“To New York.”

“For work?”

“No.”

“For what, then?”

I hesitate, wondering why I don’t have this answer more prepared, then say, “I just need to get away for a few days.”

“A few days? So you’ll miss Halloween?”

“Yes. But Harper’s butterfly costume is ready to go…and besides, Nolan’s always the one who takes her trick-or-treating. I just hand out candy. It’s no big deal,” I say, still trying to convince myself of this fact.

“Huh. Okay….So are you going with Ellen?”

“No,” I say. “I’m going alone…but I don’t know if I can go at all now….”

“Why? Because of Rabby?” she says.

“Correct,” I say, glaring at Nolan. “Because of Rabby.”

“Do you want me to come over?”

“Why?” I blurt out, instantly regretting it.

“Never mind,” she says.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “When I said ‘why’—I just meant, are you coming to look for Rabby? Because I don’t think we’re going to find him….”

“I just meant to come be with Harper. So you can go…while I distract her.”

I hesitate, not because I don’t desperately want to take her up on the offer, but because it’s difficult to admit that we need her. That I need her. My concern for Harper trumps this, though, and I say, “That would be great, actually….”

“Okay,” she says briskly. “I’m almost home. I just need to let Revis out….I can be there in forty-five minutes? Does that work?”

“Yes. Thank you,” I say. “I’ll let Nolan know.”

“All right,” she says. Then, after a long pause, she makes an even greater offer. “I can stay over tonight, too…if Nolan wants? I can be her Rabby substitute?”

I almost say that there is no substitute for Rabby, but Aunt Josie might be the lone exception to that. “Could you really do that?” I say, swallowing the rest of my pride. “That would be amazing. Thank you, Josie.”

MY FLIGHT LANDS at La Guardia just after 10:00 P.M. I power on my phone as soon as we hit the runway, checking my texts, praying for good news on the Rabby front. Nothing, I discover. No word at all from Atlanta, other than a text from Ellen wishing me a good trip and telling me to call her if I have any questions about her apartment. I thank her, then send Josie and Nolan a joint text asking about Rabby. Still MIA? How’s Harper?

Thirty minutes later, after I’ve retrieved my suitcase and joined a blessedly short cab line just outside of baggage claim, I have yet to receive a response from either of them. I assume the worst, but tell myself that there is nothing I can do. So I put my phone in my tote bag, close my eyes, and inhale the glorious scent of Queens—a mix of exhaust and garbage and falafels.

Suddenly, I’m overcome with exhaustion, and all I want to do is sleep. I remind myself that I can do just that. I can sleep all day tomorrow. I can sleep for the next week. For the first time since Harper’s birth, I have absolutely no responsibilities, at least not in an hour-to-hour sense. Yet, as I get into my cab and give my driver Ellen’s address on East Tenth Street, I realize it’s not as simple as sleep or freedom, and as the billboards and buildings whiz by me, I feel about as lost as poor Rabby, wherever he may be.