“Come on, we’ve got to go!” I yell, shoving stuff around in a junk drawer in the kitchen, looking for my car keys but finding them nowhere. Ugh. I check the counter, and the table, before moving on to the living room. Not on the coffee table, either. Certainly not on the hook by the front door, where they’re supposed to be. I pull the cushions up on the couch, checking under them. Nothing. “Maddie, have you seen my keys?”

No answer.

I look all around, my eyes skimming along the floor as I make my way down the hallway toward the bedrooms, in case I dropped them. Nope. I'm trying to remember the last time I saw them. The door was already unlocked when I got home this morning, so yesterday sometime?

“Maddie?” I call out, her silence concerning. “Are you listening?”

No, it turns out, she isn’t. She’s sprawled out on her bed, dressed and ready to go, her hair already messed up, even though I fixed it a few minutes ago. She’s fast asleep, not hearing a word I say.

“Maddie, we need to get going,” I say, shaking her awake, waiting until she sits up before asking, “Have you seen my keys, sweetheart?”

Rubbing her eyes, she shakes her head.

Even if she has seen them, I don’t think she’s awake enough to remember it.

“Get your bag ready for school,” I tell her, walking away, heading to my bedroom. I search around for a moment, now looking for my cell phone, going so far as to rip the blankets off my bed and dump out the hamper. Nothing.

Annoyed, I give up. I don’t have time for this.

I’m already going to have to walk to work.

I go back to Maddie’s room.

She’s lying down again.

“Up, up, up,” I say, picking her up and setting her on her feet before grabbing her backpack, shoving some stray papers into it, not sure what she needs. I put it on her back before taking her hand and pulling her to the door.

“I don’t wanna go,” she whines, dragging her feet.

“Sorry, school is a necessity.”

“But why can’t I stay home with you?”

“What makes you think I’m staying home?”

“Because you don’t got no uniform.”

“That’s crazy, I—” Glancing down, I realize I’m not wearing my work shirt. Crap. “Wait here. Let me change my shirt.”

She just stares at me.

“Seriously, don’t move,” I say, pointing at her. “I’ll just be one second.”

Any longer and she’ll be right back in her bed.

Of course all my uniforms are dirty, so I shove through the pile of clothes I threw out of the hamper, finding the one that looks the cleanest. I’m pulling it on as a knock echoes through the apartment.

I tense, knowing Maddie’s going to open the door even before she announces, “I gots it!”

“Wait!”

“Jonathan!”

My stomach drops as I walk back out, finding the door wide open—of course—with him standing there, grinning at her.

It’s been a crazy morning. Waking up at dawn, naked in your ex’s bed, body aching, covered in the scent of him, has a way of putting someone through the emotional ringer. Horror. Fear. Dread. Excitement. I’m not sure how to feel about it, not sure about anything except the awkwardness, the guilt, the shame… and maybe I shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s unavoidable.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, more bite to those words than I mean. I can tell by the way he looks at me, the flicker of hurt in his eyes, that the question bothers him.

“He can come today, remember?” Maddie chimes in, looking at me like I’m being ridiculous. “He said since he couldn’t stay and play with me and Aunt Meghan.”

“Oh, I know that,” I say, walking over, pressing a hand to the top of her head as I force a smile, hoping she doesn’t sense the weirdness. “I just mean, why right now? Playtime is later.”

“I thought you might need this stuff,” he says, pulling something from his pocket and holding it out—keys and a cell phone. My cell phone, more specifically. My keys, too. “You must’ve forgotten it… somewhere.”

“Ugh, thanks,” I grumble, taking the phone from him as it starts ringing. Work. “It’s been one of those mornings. I’m running late, and ugh… let me take this call. Hello?”

“Is everything okay?” Marcus asks when I answer. “It’s ten after and you’re not here.”

“Yeah, sorry, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Just checking, since this isn’t like you.”

I hang up, rolling my eyes, and turn back to Jonathan, about to apologize for having to cut this short when he says, “I can take Maddie to school, if you need to get to work.”

Her eyes light up at that suggestion.

“I, uh… I don’t know…”

“It’s only, what—a couple blocks from here? I can get her there, no problem.”

“Please, Mommy?” Maddie says, grabbing his hand like she’s standing in solidarity. “He can get me there!”

Overprotective, paranoid me wants to say no, but how am I going to trust him to take her to a convention if I can’t even let him walk her to school? I want to pick her up and shove her in my pocket, shield her from everything for as long as I’m alive, but I can’t do that, because the truth is, she’s not just mine.

“Yeah, okay, fine,” I say, those words earning a squeal of excitement from Maddie. I smile down at her. “Love you more than lunch breaks and paychecks.”

“Love you more than recess.”

“That’s a lot of love, little girl.”

“All of it in the whole world.”

Leaning down, I kiss her forehead. “Go on, you don’t want to be late for school.”

She pauses, eyes widening. “Wait! I forgot!”

“Forgot what?” I call out as she sprints for her bedroom.

“Show & Tell!” she yells.

Sighing, I shake my head. “Can’t forget about bringing something for Show & Tell.”

“That would be a travesty,” Jonathan says.

I look at him, frowning as I slip past, out of the apartment. “Can you lock the door for me? Please? I have to get going.”

“Of course,” he says. “Whatever you need.”

I leave, not wanting to dwell, because if I do I’m liable to go back on all of it, and that wouldn’t be fair. I get to work a quarter after eight, fifteen minutes late, and rush to clock in, flustered.

“You sure you’re okay?” Marcus asks, eyeing me.

“Fine,” I mumble. “Couldn’t find my keys.”

It’s not a lie—not completely. It’s more than that, of course, but I don’t want to get into it. I spend the next few minutes in the back stockroom, watching the time.

At eight-thirty, I start to get nervous. Nearing nine o’clock, my anxiety skyrockets. Pulling out my phone, I text Jonathan. Did you get her there okay?

No response.

When nine-thirty comes, I can’t take it anymore. I dial the number for the school, checking with the receptionist to make sure she made it, feeling like a fool when she confirms Maddie is in class and arrived on time this morning. I hang up, grumbling to myself when a message pops up on the screen. Jonathan. Forgot to charge my phone. She made it safe and sound. No limbs lost.

I stare at it, considering how to respond, but everything I truly want to say feels ridiculously sappy this morning. So she still has all her fingers and toes?

Ten of each, I’m assuming, but I didn’t have a chance to count. Would’ve made us late.

I laugh at that as I type out a response. Learn to multi-task, man.

“What’s so funny?”

Hitting send, I glance up and see Bethany in the doorway. “Nothing, just… you know.”

I shake my phone at her as if that’ll explain it.

“Boyfriend?” she guesses, raising her eyebrows. “Is it the guy that was here?”

My expression falls. “What guy?”

“You know, the one that came to see you.”

Oh god. “How do you know about that?”

“Because I was here,” she says. “Don’t think I didn’t see him lurking around.”

“You saw him?”

“Of course.” She laughs. “You seriously think I wouldn’t spot that hottie? Hello, do you even know me?”

“Well, I mean, it’s not what you think,” I say. “He’s not… we’re not… you know… so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry. Your secret is safe with me.”

“Really?”

“Of course!” She laughs. “I know you’re, like, old or whatever, but I like to think we’re friends. I’m not going to tell everyone your business.”

Ignoring the fact that she just called me old, because screw that, I feel an intense sense of relief. She’s taking this so much cooler than I expected. “Thank you. And I know you’ve met him, I guess, but if you want to meet him again, I can probably make that happen.”

“Oh, no thanks.” She waves me off. “He’s a hottie, but he’s not my type. I’m not really into that whole uptight authoritarian kink, if you know what I mean.”

“What?”

“That guy of yours. What’s his name? Andrew?”

“Oh, you’re talking about Drew!”

“Who else would I be—oh my god, is there somebody else?” She lets out a shriek. “No way, you have two boyfriends?”

“Of course not.” I scoff as my phone goes off. I glance at it, seeing a message from Jonathan. “I don’t have a boyfriend at all.”

You’re the queen. I’m just a commoner.

Those words nearly take my breath away. It’s been a long time since he’s said them to me, so long that my heart skips a beat at the memories.

“Your face disagrees,” Bethany says, motioning to me as I shove my phone in my pocket. “You’re all blushy.”

I roll my eyes. “Am not.”

“Whatever you say.” She turns to leave. “You look how I probably looked when I met Johnny Cunning.”

* * *

“I heard a certain someone walked her to school this morning.”

I stare at my father sitting on his front porch, casually rocking in his chair, wasting time before he heads off to lead a meeting later. It’s nearing sunset. I ended up working over to make up for being late this morning.

“Yeah, I needed to get to work, and well, he was there.”

“Lucky you,” he says, “that he just happened to be there.”

“Tell me about it,” I mumble, leaving it at that. “Anyway, we should go before it gets dark.”

“Because he’s coming over to play?” he asks. “Heard about that, too.”

I cut my eyes at him but don’t respond to that, opening the front door to yell inside, “Maddie, sweetheart, time to go!”

Footsteps run through the house.

“I’m not judging you,” my father says. “I just want to make sure you’re being careful.”

Careful. Squeezing his shoulder, I joke, “Don’t worry, Mom had the ‘safe sex is great sex’ talk with me as soon as I hit puberty. Took me to the clinic, put me on the pill and everything.”

He cringes. “A lot of good that did. Should’ve taught you about abstinence.”

“Spoken like a true conservative,” I say as Maddie bursts outside with her backpack. “Besides, you know, say what you will, but it gave us that one.”

“And she's plenty enough for all of us,” he says, grinning at her when she throws herself at him to hug his neck. “Love you, kiddo. Have fun playing.”

“Love you, Grandpa! Maybe you can play too next time!”

“Maybe,” he agrees as she runs off the porch, skirting past me on her way to the car. My father waits until she’s out of earshot before he says, “Be careful, and I don’t mean, you know…”

“No glove, no love?”

Another cringe.

“That, too, but I think you already know that,” he grumbles. “I hope you learned your lesson about going down that road with that boy. No good can come from it.”

“She came from it,” I point out.

He looks at me, eyes narrowing.

“Don’t worry,” I say. “I’m being careful.”

“You better be practicing abstinence.”

“I’m twenty-seven, not seventeen.”

“Doesn’t matter. There’s no ring on your finger.”

“I’m not really a fan of jewelry.”

“It’s not about the jewelry.”

“Not really a fan of archaic vows, either.”

He scrubs his hands down his face. “Damn liberal hippies.”

I laugh at that. He used to say that to my mother whenever she challenged him—which was all the time. “Bye, Dad.”

“I’m serious, Kennedy,” he calls out as I head for the car.

“I know you are,” I tell him. “Don’t worry.”

“Don’t worry? Yeah, right.”

I get in the car, wanting that conversation to be over before I slip up and give away just how deep I am. Sweat coats my back, my hands shaky as I grip the steering wheel and glance in the rearview mirror at Maddie, oblivious to it all as she plays with her Breezeo doll.

“Is he at home, Mommy?” she asks, glancing at me.

“Who?”

“Jonathan,” she says, “so we can play.”

“Oh, I’m not sure. I guess we’ll see, huh?”

She smiles, nodding.

He’s not there, though. He's not waiting when we get to the apartment. Disappointment radiates from her, her smile falling.

“He’ll be here,” I say, hoping I’m not lying to her.

“I know,” she says.

She does her homework, practicing her spelling, and we eat dinner.

No Jonathan.

She takes a bath, putting on her pajamas, while I call him.

Voicemail.

Another hour or so passes before I finally change out of my work uniform. I check on Maddie in the living room, finding her fast asleep, the first Breezeo movie soundlessly playing on the TV, the lights all off. I glare at the screen, at his face staring back at me, making my insides twist up in knots.

“Asshole,” I grumble, reaching for the remote to turn it off, but a soft knock from the door stops me. I give Maddie a quick look—still asleep—before I head for the door, glancing out the peephole.

The face that’s currently on the TV greets me.

Well, there are some differences, of course. The guy standing in front of my apartment looks like he’s been through hell. He hasn’t shaved in a while, and his skin is still peppered with faint scratches and bruises.

Sighing, I tug the door open. He starts to greet me, but I turn away, walking away, heading for the kitchen to clean.

Inviting himself inside, he shuts the door and follows, pausing when he glances at Maddie on the couch. “She’s asleep.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you wait so late to show up.”

“I came by earlier,” he says. “Around four o’clock.”

“I was still working. You should’ve waited or came back before now.”

“I didn’t have the chance.”

“Oh? Something more important to do?” I glance at him when he doesn’t answer. “I called you. You could’ve at least answered your phone.”

“I had it turned off.”

“What, didn’t want any interruptions? You have a date or something? Networking?”

His expression hardens. “Don’t be like that.”

“It’s just a question.”

“No, it’s more than that and you know it.”

I turn away from him and start doing the dishes, trying to shove the bitterness down that’s festering. He’s right—it is more than that. I’m still angry. So angry. I try not to let it show.

He sits down at the kitchen table. “I had to go to a meeting.”

I drop the plate I’m washing when he says that, hot sudsy water splashing up at me.

“So that’s where I was,” he says. “I tried to get here sooner, but the meeting ran a lot longer than I thought.”

“A meeting,” I say, shaking my head. I know meetings are the epitome of what happens here stays here, and they’re supposed to be anonymous, but I’m not sure how that’s possible in his situation.

“Yeah, the conversation veered somewhere unexpected,” he says. “Being careful in relationships.”

I turn to him, horrified. Oh god. “Please tell me you didn’t say anything about us.”

“Of course not,” he says. “Not even sure what to say, if I wanted to, not sure… about us.”

Us. There is no ‘us’. There was an ‘us’ once upon a time, but now it’s just me and him and whatever this mess is I’ve gotten into by throwing myself at him the way I did.

Drying my hands off, I sit down across from him.

He picks up the Breezeo doll that Maddie left on the table after dinner. “This is what she grabbed for Show & Tell this morning.”

“I’m not surprised. She has probably taken it a dozen times.”

He smiles, staring at it, but says nothing.

“Are you, uh, you know…?” I wave toward him, not sure how to word it. “Okay?”

He raises an eyebrow. “Am I okay?”

“You said you had to go to a meeting, so I wondered…”

“If I fucked up?”

“No, I didn’t mean—”

“It’s okay, you can ask it. I’ve fucked up a lot. But no, I haven’t. Not this time. Not yet.”

“Yet.”

He laughs dryly. “Yet.”

“Well, that’s good to know, but that’s not what I asked,” I say. “I asked if you’re okay.”

He sets the doll down. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Good.”

“Are you?”

“Sure.”

“Are you happy?”

It sounds like small talk, I know, but it’s so much deeper than that and his expression shows it. Am I happy? I don’t know. “I wouldn’t say things are perfect, but I guess I’m happy. You?”

“No.”

His answer is instant. He doesn’t even consider it. He’s living his dream, but yet, he’s not happy.

“I was happy this morning, though,” he continues, smiling again. “Last night, too.”

“Last night shouldn’t have happened.”

“But it did.”

He reaches across the table, his hand grasping mine. I stare down at it, not moving, even though that voice of self-preservation begs for me to pull away, get some space.

He squeezes my hand as I meet his gaze. He’s still smiling. He looks happy.

My anxiety flares.

“Let’s go somewhere,” he says.

“Where?”

“Wherever you want to go.”

I shake my head. “We can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have work and Maddie has school. We can’t just go somewhere.”

“We’ll go for the weekend.”

“And do what?”

“Whatever you want to do.”

I pull away from him, his touch clouding my thoughts. He’s saying pretty words, but I’m not sure I can believe any of it.

“I’ll think about it,” I say, afraid to say yes even though my stupid heart yearns to. “We should worry about next weekend first. You know, the convention. I mean, if you’re still—”

“I am.”

“Okay, but I need details—the where, the when, the how. When are you picking her up, when are you bringing her back, what are you feeding her, can you guarantee she won’t be kidnapped?”

He laughs as he leans back in the chair, like I’m being funny, but I’m serious. That’s a lot of people, a lot of strangers, and I’m already starting to regret telling him he could take her.

“I’ll pick her up early Saturday morning. I’ll bring her back late Saturday night. And to be honest, I’ll probably feed her whatever she wants. As far as getting kidnapped, you don’t have to worry. I’m not gonna let her out of my sight.”

“But I, uh… okay.”

I don’t know what else to say.

“Okay,” he agrees, pulling his phone out when it rings, answering it quietly. “What’s up, Cliff?”

Cliff.

I get up from the table, not wanting to listen to that conversation, but I catch parts of it as I finish cleaning the kitchen, something about timelines and schedules, meetings in the city and doctors appointments.

After he hangs up, he stands up, and I think he’s about to leave, but instead he strolls over to where I’m standing and pauses behind me. He brushes my hair aside, and I gasp when he kisses my shoulder. It’s soft, so soft, barely a graze from his lips. Tingles engulf me, a chill rushing through me that makes my knees go weak.

“We shouldn’t do this,” I whisper.

“We’re not doing anything,” he says, his right arm snaking around my middle, cast pressing against my stomach as he pulls me back against him.

He kisses my neck, and I close my eyes, gripping the counter tightly. He marked me last night, like we were some reckless teenagers, leaving love-bites all over. I spent most of the day trying to hide them from people.

“I’ve made so many mistakes,” he says, his voice barely a breath against my skin, “but I’m not going to make those mistakes again.”

“I want to believe you,” I whisper.

I turn my head, glancing back at him, as he leans forward, kissing the corner of my mouth.

“I should get out of here,” he says. “It’s late, and I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than humor me.”

I don’t argue, nor do I try to stop him, although I think that's what he wants. He walks away, heading to the living room, where Maddie is still asleep. Curious, I follow, lingering near the front door as he kneels and brushes the hair from her face to kiss her forehead. “Sorry I fucked up tonight, little one.”

He starts toward the door, eyeing me warily as I block his path. He brushes past me, but before he can go, I say, “They’ll recognize you.”

“What?”

“At the convention,” I say. “People will know who you are. How are you going to shield her… how will you protect her?”

“That won’t be a problem. Nobody will know.”

“How can you be so sure?”

He laughs as he opens the front door. “That’s what cosplay is for.”