Sophie

I didn’t think it was possible to be happy again. But as days pass, working, spending time with Lola and Kade, nights singing at Savages and Saints, secret kisses in his office…I wonder if maybe the universe might actually be giving me a second chance.

Even as I think it, my gut twists, guilt stabbing at my insides.

Insecurities swirl inside of me, baiting me with taunts.

How can you be happy without Noah?

Have you forgotten him?

Do you really think you can replace the void he left in your heart?

The words scream at me in Charlie’s voice. Words he said to me many times over the years whenever I tried to move forward.

But I am happy.

Happier than I’ve been in a very long time.

“You’re quiet tonight,” Kade says as we drive down a long dark road that leads to Quinn’s house.

He takes my hand, glancing in the rearview mirror at Lola, who’s still wearing the tiara Kade bought her at the ice show. She’s barely taken it off since she got it a couple weeks ago. It had been a good day, one that I’d keep tucked away in my memories.

“Are you feeling all right?” he asks, concern in his gaze when he glances at me.

“Just thinking,” I murmur, letting his strength ground me as I hold his hand tighter.  

Even though I know I don’t deserve what he’s offering, I selfishly take the hope he gives so damn freely.

“Are you sure I’m invited?” I ask as we pull up to a huge house that overlooks the lake. There’s already half a dozen cars and trucks parked in the long driveaway.

It’s not just that we’re having dinner at the infamous ZZ James’ house that has my fingers tingling with nerves, but that all of Kade’s family will be there. In the few weeks since I’ve been working at Savages and Saints, I’ve met each one of them at least once when they’ve come into the bar, but as far as I know, none of them have any clue about Kade and I.

Because what we actually are still isn’t defined. I’ve changed the subject every time he’s brought it up. All I can give him right now is today. Thinking about tomorrow, about the future, is too overwhelming.  

“It’s a family dinner,” I murmur self-consciously, getting out of the truck.

Kade rounds the vehicle with Lola, then takes my hand and gives it a small squeeze. “I want you here, Sophie.”

“I want you here, too.” Lola beams up at me, taking my other hand. “I can show you the treehouse Uncle Zee built.” She skips beside me, her fingers gripping mine possessively. “It’s so cool.”

Kade grins down at me reassuringly, a smile that gives me strength.

Gravity.

Stability.

“I always wanted a treehouse,” I say, breathing in their affection, knowing what we must look like to anyone watching — a family.

My chest constricts.  

“Me too.” Lola’s eyes sparkle with an idea. “Maybe Daddy can build us one this summer.”

Us.

“I don’t think our backyard is big enough for anything the size of the one Zee built, but I’ll see what I can come up with.” Kade chuckles, wrapping an arm around my waist as we approach the door.

It’s a possessive gesture, and I’m struck by it, because I realize what tonight means for him. For us. He wants people to know. But know what? It’s not like we’ve given this thing between us a name.

Quinn greets us, not hesitating to pull me into a hug, her grin so big and infectious that I momentarily forget why I’m nervous. “I’m so glad you could come. I swear, every time I’ve asked to see you, you’ve been working. I hope Kade isn’t demanding too much of you.”

“I don’t know, Sophie, have I been too demanding?” Kade asks playfully, the hidden meaning burning in his eyes.

“N-no,” I stutter, heat rising in my cheeks.

If Quinn understands the exchange between us, she doesn’t say anything, immediately pulled into a conversation with Lola.

We’re swept into the dining room, and a glass of wine is placed in my hand as people laugh and chat around me.

Zee and Quinn’s son, Jaxson, is passed between the adults, and I can’t help but smile when Kade reaches for him.

Unlike most men I’ve known, there seems to be no nervousness when he takes him and cradles his small head in the nook of his arm. And when the baby gives a wail, he doesn’t hand him off like I expect him to. He just patiently rocks him and speaks in a low voice until he settles down.

God, the man is perfect.

Kade grins at me when he sees me watching him.

But there’s that pressure on the back of my skull again, warning me that everything is too good.

I want this.

My heart beats with a new rhythm. Kade, Lola, Noah.

Happiness, joy, sorrow.

“Are you okay?” Kade asks, Jaxson still in his arms.

“Yeah.” I smile down at the little face with eyes still too big for his head.

“Do you want to hold him?” Quinn asks, approaching.

“Oh, I...”

“She doesn’t have to,” Kade says, concern flashing in his eyes.

“Stop hogging him.” Quinn laughs, taking Jaxson from Kade’s arms and placing him in mine, oblivious to the war going on inside me.

“Okay,” I say shakily, cradling his head.

“See,” Quinn beams. “She’s a natural.”

My throat constricts. The warmth of his little body in my arms is the first thing I notice. Then his scent; clean, shampoo, and baby powder. He looks up at me with unsteady, blue eyes.

I can feel a crack inside my chest. Feel memories tugging, trying to pull me under. But then a hand is on my back, and Kade is whispering in my ear, “Just breathe.”

I do.

One. Two. Three. And the anxiety slowly eases.

Quinn’s attention is already diverted to something Lola is trying to tell her, and I don’t think anyone but Kade notices my reaction.

Kade’s body envelopes me, his large arms wrapping around my waist from behind, his cheek a breath away from my own.

And that crack slowly closes.

Kade, Lola, Noah, my heart beats again. A tear slips free, and Kade wipes it away with the pad of his thumb.

“Want me to take him?” he asks against the shell of my ear.

“No.” Because I don’t. There’s a change inside me. A healing. Or maybe I’ve already started to heal, and I haven’t realized it until now. But the pain lessens. The memories aren’t as vivid. And I’m held, grounded by the man who gives his strength unabashedly.

Maybe in a small way I’ve helped to heal him, too, because the way he smiles at me now, the heaviness I’d seen that first night, is gone.

“Are you going to kiss?” Lola asks, staring up at us, her arms crossed.

We haven’t shown much physical affection around her, not wanting to confuse her, but she’s a smart kid, and I’ve caught her watching us suspiciously a few times.  

Kade looks momentarily taken aback, before a grin tugs at his lips and says, “Would that be a bad thing?”

Lola scrunches her face like she’s thinking about it, then says, “No. I think it would be good.”

Kade chuckles and shakes his head as she darts towards Quinn, tugging at her arm before saying something with dramatic gestures, which I have no doubt is about me and Kade kissing.  

I sigh.

“Well?” he asks, still grinning. “How about that kiss?”

“Here?” I glance around, but no one seems to be paying us any attention.

“Here,” he says.

“But...your family...they’ll think...”

“That we’re together.”

“Yeah.”

“Aren’t we?”

I swallow. “So, we’re...dating?”

He places a palm on my cheek, and the baby stirs between us. “I think what this is, is more than dating, but I guess we can call it that for now.”

For now. Now is all I have. All I can give. But the hope of more is in his eyes, stirring my own and making me believe in things I never thought I’d have again. Offering more than I’d ever dreamed possible.

It’s all happened so fast, and I’ve barely been able to catch my breath. But when he leans in and brushes his lips to mine, soft, possessive, and tender, I know I’ll never be able to say no to him. Which terrifies me even more, because there’s one secret I haven’t told him.

One omission I’m not sure he’ll forgive me for. Because it’s the one I’ll never forgive myself for.

I looked away.