Chapter Nineteen
Doug slept fitfully Saturday night, Corey’s words taunting him. But he got up Sunday morning and went for a run, pushing himself hard, trying to think things through. He went back and forth in his mind, playing out every scenario. If what Corey said was true, then Doug could never be happy with Stewart. Because he could never make Stewart happy. And while he truly passed no judgment on people who chose open relationships, he knew he could never handle one himself.
Of course Stewart had never said he wanted exclusivity with Doug, that was his own hopeful, and perhaps naïve assumption. But then Stewart hadn’t really said much of anything, had he?
“I want you in my life, too. And it’s gonna be all good. You just have to trust me, and give me a little time.”
In his life. But in what capacity? Corey had called Doug needy and desperate. But Doug hadn’t been that way with Stewart. Hell, he’d refrained from asking any questions because he didn’t want to come off that way. And because of his caution, he now had no answers at all. It was unsettling. He was already far too wrapped up in Stewart to be left in the dark like this.
After getting home and showering, Doug called Wyatt and asked if it would be all right if he stopped by. He needed his brother, someone who would be straight with him, and have an outsider’s point of view. Wyatt told him to come by for lunch, so he got dressed, and after meditating and doing some laundry, headed over there.
Just seeing his brother made him feel more solid. Wyatt showed up at the door with a giggling Mandy on his shoulders. “Who’s that, Mandy?” Wyatt asked, bouncing her.
Mandy pointed a chubby finger at Doug. “Gug.”
“That’s right, Uncle Doug. Come on in,” Wyatt said, stepping back.
“Gug!” Mandy said, reaching her arms out.
“Hey, you,” Doug said, taking the baby off Wyatt’s shoulders. He kissed her curly head and carried her on his hip, following Wyatt into the kitchen.
“Hey, little brother,” Beth, said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Lunch is all set up outside. Give me the little madam, I have to change her diaper.”
Mandy looked up at Doug with huge, baby blue eyes. He grinned at her. “Do you stink, Mandy?”
“Skinks,” she said.
Beth laughed and took the baby from him. “We’ll be down in a minute. Come on, stinky.”
Doug and Wyatt sat at the patio table on the deck, digging into the sandwiches and potato salad. “What’s wrong?” Wyatt asked.
“Just needed to talk to someone sane.”
Wyatt laughed. “If I was a betting man, I’d guess this is about Stewart.”
Doug laughed. “Oh God, I’m getting predictable.”
Wyatt smiled. “Come on. Talk to me. I’ll try to be the sane voice of reason you think I am.”
Doug gave Wyatt a condensed version of his conversation with Corey and his situation with Stewart, leaving out the sex parts and other embarrassing details. When he’d finished, Wyatt shrugged, popping an olive into his mouth. “You have to call him,” he said, chewing.
“That’s it? That’s all you’ve got for me?”
“In my opinion, you have every right to ask Stewart just what the hell is going on in his head. It doesn’t matter that he just broke up with Corey, he’s given you more than enough reason to expect things to move forward. The guy’s basically asked you to put your life on hold for him, so yeah. Call him up and tell him you want to see him. Now.”
“I know,” Doug said, scowling. “But is it too soon? I have all these feelings for the guy but I don’t want to come off as whiny needy baby man. He did say he was gonna explain everything eventually.”
Wyatt wiped his mouth with a napkin and pushed his glasses up. “How long is eventually? You don’t know. Screw that. You deserve to know now. Especially after that shit Corey said to you. If Stewart is the train wreck Corey claims he is, then don’t you want to know now, rather than later?”
Doug nodded. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.”
Wyatt threw his hands in the air. “Yes! That’s twice you’ve told me I was right lately. I could get used to this. Beth’s always telling me I’m wrong. About everything.”
“I heard that,” she said, carrying a freshly changed Mandy out onto the deck. “Doug, stop scowling and eat your sandwich.”
He grinned, picking his sandwich up. “Yes, Mom.”
After lunch, Wyatt took Doug into his study and poured them both a whiskey. “Okay,” Wyatt said once they’d sat down in the cozy leather chairs. “Call him.”
“What, right now?”
Wyatt nodded. “If you don’t do it now, you’ll just leave here and brood around your house, then change your mind.”
“I’m not calling him in front of you.”
“Then text him if you’re such a chicken shit.”
Doug laughed. “Okay. I’ll text him.” He pulled his phone out, glancing at Wyatt. “Don’t watch me, you’re making me nervous.”
Wyatt laughed, taking a sip of whiskey. “Not looking.”
Doug opened a text window and frowned at it, trying to decide what to say. He sighed, and began to type.
‘Hey. Can I see you soon? I don’t want to pressure you, but I feel like we have to talk. About everything.’
He hesitated, not sure if he should send it.
“Let me see,” Wyatt said, waving his fingers for the phone.
“You don’t need to check my work,” Doug said. “I’m not in kindergarten.”
“Just let me see what you wrote.”
Doug handed him the phone.
Wyatt looked down his nose at the screen, then nodded. “That’s fine. That’s perfect.” He handed the phone back to Doug. “Sent.”
Doug’s eyes widened. “You sent it?” He looked at his phone. “Damn it, Wyatt! That wasn’t your call.”
Wyatt laughed. “It’s gonna be fine. Just wait and see if he calls.”
“Oh, man,” Doug said. He drained his whiskey. “I hate you.”
“No you don’t, you love me. You told me so when you were on painkillers.”
Doug’s phone bleeped with an incoming text. He looked down. It was from Stewart. “Oh, shit,” he said. “He texted back already.”
“Then read it!”
Doug opened the message.
‘Yes, yes, yes! Come over. I’m not working today.’
Beneath that was an address. Stewart wasn’t living far away at all, still in Jamaica Plain. Doug let out the breath he’d been holding, and showed the text to Wyatt.
Wyatt’s eyebrows rose. “That’s good.”
Doug nodded. “Good, right?”
“Three yesses. I’d say that’s good.”
He sat with Wyatt for a few more minutes, then said goodbye to Beth and his niece. His stomach fluttered as he set his GPS to find Stewart’s new address. Well, here I go.
He set out on the road, butterflies doing a frenzied dance in his stomach. Whatever happened when he got to Stewart’s, it would one way or another bring closure to the situation, which was good, because he was tired of feeling like this, anxious all the time.
Fifteen minutes later, he pulled up at the address. Like his own place, it was an old Victorian split, a bit smaller but similar. According to Stewart’s address, he was on the first floor. Spotting the van parked in the driveway, Doug got out of the car and walked up the path to the front porch.
He hit the doorbell that read Chiswick, and waited.
Footsteps approached, then the door creaked open. Stewart, looking like a dream in jeans and a white button down shirt, stared at Doug, his usual easy grin absent.
“Hey,” he said, then grabbed Doug, drawing him in close. Their lips met, and Stewart gave him a deep, passionate kiss before pulling back. “I missed the shit out of you,” he said. “Come inside.”
****
Doug followed Stewart into an open, airy living room with hardwood floors. Cozy chairs were set up around an Aztec pattern rug, a few end tables and lamps.
“It’s a bit sparse,” Stewart said. “I’ve got more furniture coming next week. Have a seat.”
“No, it’s nice,” Doug said, taking one of the chairs. “I like it.”
“You want something to drink?”
“Sure, whatever you’re having.”
His heart beat faster as he watched Stewart move across the floor and disappear into the kitchen. He looked so fucking good and Doug’s body responded the way it always did, that deep, aching need that overshadowed everything else. At that moment he didn’t care if Stewart was a damn psychopath, he wanted him anyway, however he could have him.
Stewart returned to the living room and handed Doug a glass of red wine. “Thank you,” he said, admiring the long stemmed, crystal glass. Stewart moved over and sat down in a chair across the rug. The sight of him sitting there with his wine, in his cool, casual attire, surrounded by new furniture and things he’d bought—it was nice, seeing Stewart in his own element, with no one like Corey around to overshadow him.
“I’m really glad you came by,” Stewart said. “I was trying to stay away from you but it kind of sucked.”
“Why?” Doug asked. “Why were you trying to stay away, exactly? Just because you need time alone? Which I understand, I’m just a little confused about things.”
Stewart took a sip of wine and set it down on the end table. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I’m more than ready to talk, but first, what’s up with you? There was an...urgency to your text message. Is something else the matter?”
Doug looked into Stewart’s midnight blue eyes, hesitating. Now that he was here, the thought of spilling his emotional guts and interrogating Stewart wasn’t so appealing. Stewart’s eyes on him elicited an awkward shyness.
Stewart grinned. “Say something. You’re freaking me out.”
Doug laughed. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just that I feel like Pussy McTattletale for what I’m about to tell you, but...oh, man. I was trying to give you time, wait and see what was going on with us, and that was fine. But then Corey flipped out on me, and it kind of fried my brain.”
Stewart’s eyes widened. “He flipped out on you? You’ve got to be kidding me. He’s got no reason to.”
“He thinks he does,” Doug said. “He blames me for everything, and I do mean everything. Apparently I’m the root of all evil.”
Stewart’s shoulders sagged. “Oh. Was he raging about something at the time, going off?”
“You could say that. I found him in the driveway kicking the shit out of his massage table.”
Stewart sighed. “Corey says things he doesn’t mean when he’s angry, it’s just his way. Don’t take anything he said to heart.”
“I don’t want to, and I’ve experienced his tantrums before. But he said a bunch of stuff about you, and...I don’t know. It was weird.”
Stewart straightened up. “What? What did he say about me?”
Doug groaned, and took a sip of wine. “He said you could never be interested in me because of your wounded childhood, that you need someone to abuse and reject you, like him. That you wanted him to fuck other guys so you could feel normal, and that you couldn’t have it any other way.”
Stewart’s hands had gone to sides of his face, squishing his cheeks slightly, and now his mouth fell open like an Edvard Munch painting. He stood up and paced a circle around the rug. “I can’t believe he said that to you.” He laughed softly, shaking his head. “I mean, if you hadn’t just used some of Corey’s exact words, I wouldn’t be able to believe it.”
“Is any of it true?” Doug asked before he could stop himself.
Stewart paused and turned, scowling at Doug. “No! I told you that night we walked down to Bernie’s how my relationship with Corey happened. I told you all of it. And while it might be a little fucked up that I used his infidelity to try and bring the spark back, I am not an abuse junkie. Corey’s only saying those things to hurt you, it’s what he does when he’s pissed off and someone crosses his path. It’s like stepping into a cobra’s lair, trust me, I’ve been the recipient of that more times than I can count.”
“Yeah,” Doug said. “It did feel a bit...extreme.”
Stewart sat back down. “You’ve met Dewey, right?”
Doug nodded. “Yeah.”
“Well, Dewey said once that he wished Corey would just get violent when he was angry. Because getting hit in the face would be less painful than getting hit with Corey’s raging psychoanalysis.”
Doug snickered and nodded. “Okay. So he does this a lot.”
“Corey’s smart,” Stewart said. “He knows just which buttons to push, and he can be ruthless. But none of what happened is your fault, and he’s very well aware of that. Please don’t take his words to heart, Doug. Please.”
Doug nodded, holding Stewart’s eyes. “Okay, I won’t.”
“Good.” Stewart visibly relaxed, leaning back in his chair. He picked up his wine.
“Can I ask what it was that finally made you decide to move out?”
Stewart took a sip of wine, looking down. “Remember the day you hurt your back, and we were at your apartment? Corey said he was going to air himself out?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I left shortly after, and while I was heading out to the store, I saw Corey’s car parked at Zach’s apartment.”
Doug frowned. “Go on.”
Stewart’s eyes lifted. “When he got home later I asked him about it. He said it was your fault.”
“My fault? Again? Why is everything my fault?”
Stewart smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes. “He tried to tell me that he felt guilty when you called him mean, that you said Zach punched him because he was mean. So he went to clear things up with Zach.” Stewart shook his head. “I told him to cut the crap. I knew that after everything that happened at The Horse and Carriage, there was no way one comment from you would make him do something so stupid as to engage Zach again. Corey’s not dumb, he would have known that going to Zach’s place, for whatever reason, would just wind the kid up again.”
“So why did he?” Doug asked.
Stewart held his eyes for a long moment. “We argued for a long time, but I kept at him, and finally he admitted the truth. He’s been sleeping with Zach for months.”
Doug’s jaw dropped. “Months? Seriously?”
Stewart nodded. “He never told me. Because they’re not just fucking. Corey has feelings for him. They’ve been dating, having a relationship.”
Doug looked back at Stewart, stunned. He didn’t know what to say.
“That night we went to karaoke,” Stewart said, “I thought Zach was upset because Corey had finally slept with him the night before, and was being cold to him after. But that’s just what Corey told me, because he knew I’d wonder why Zach was all wound up suddenly. The truth is Zach was upset because the night before, Corey had tried to break it off with him.”
“Oh, wow.” Doug rubbed his forehead. “Oh my God.”
“Corey was lying to me the whole time,” Stewart said, “going to see Zach when he said he had clients. With work and everything, Corey and I spent a fair amount of time apart, so it was easy to hide. But they’ve been dating. Corey even accompanied Zach to a family wedding, for Christ sakes, this wasn’t some casual fling.”
“Why didn’t he just tell you?” Doug asked. “I thought you guys were all about honesty.”
“Because,” Stewart said, “he didn’t want to lose me, and he said he figured his feelings for Zach would wear off eventually. But they didn’t. He couldn’t stay away. He told me Zach looks at him the way I used to, and he couldn’t give it up.”
Doug looked down and let out a breath, rubbing his cheeks. “Wow. I didn’t expect to hear that. I mean, I had a whole other picture of your relationship.”
“Doug?”
Doug looked up. Stewart’s expression was conflicted, somewhat anguished.
“The Zach thing was the final straw, but it’s not the only reason we split. It was an effect, not a cause. It was just time. We’d been drifting apart for a while. But I was afraid that if I told you about this, you’d think I only wanted to be with you because of what happened with Corey. You said you didn’t want to be my rebound. You’re not a rebound, but I didn’t think you’d believe me. So I figured if I stayed away for a little while...”
Doug nodded. “I think I understand.”
“Do you? I just figured if I gave it a little time, then started seeing you, you’d realize it was about you and me, and had nothing to do with my breakup. That I wasn’t just trying to get back at Corey or whatever.”
Stewart’s confession shocked him, but he also felt an immense relief. “I’m glad you told me,” Doug said. “But you could have just told me right away. Nothing would have kept me from seeing you.”
Stewart smiled. “Well, I wasn’t sure.”
Doug shook his head. “So Corey and Zach. I guess I’m just...shocked. The way you guys were, he didn’t seem to hide anything from you. I don’t know him very well, but shit, he lied right to your face? I never imagined he had that in him.”
Stewart laughed, shaking his head. “It took forever to get him to tell the truth, he didn’t want to. He even tried to use his gift as an excuse at first, saying that his energy was compelled to heal Zach’s pain, to give him what he wanted. Which of course was Corey.”
“Hey,” Doug said, scratching his chin. “Can I ask you something? Do you really believe Corey has a gift? That he can heal people? Because I let him do his thing on me, and something weird happened.”
“Oh, you did? He must have been thrilled.” Stewart laughed. “What happened, did you get a pain that went away a few seconds later? That’s what I’ve heard from other people.”
“Yeah,” Doug said. “Exactly. Jairo said it was just epinephrine from anxiety that gave it to me, bad case of heartburn more or less. What do you think?”
He shrugged. “Could be. I’ve never really understood it.”
“But you do believe he has some sort of healing power.”
Stewart shrugged again. “I can’t say for certain, but after all I’ve seen, I have to say I believe he does. But he can’t use it as an excuse for everything.”
“Corey said you never let him heal you.”
Stewart chuckled softly, then took a sip of wine. “No, I didn’t. But I’ve heard from enough people I know and trust who have. Level headed people that swear by his healing. I think Corey really has something special. He’s not like other boys, so to speak. But for me that was all secondary, just part of his job. I didn’t want my boyfriend trying to be my shrink, and I told him that. So I never let him try it with me.”
Doug studied Stewart for a long time, a well of feeling filling up inside of him. “You think you and Corey would have broken up anyway, even if you didn’t find out about Zach?”
“Yes, I do.” Stewart stood again and paced across the rug, hands on his hips. He turned to Doug. “We tried to cling to what we had, the familiar comfort of it, but eventually there was just too much emotional distance between us. It was time, overdue, actually. It happens.” Stewart shrugged. “Corey fell in love with someone else.” He took a deep breath, looking down at Doug. “And so did I.”
Doug stared up at Stewart, heat climbing his body, stinging his ears. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t even breathe. Seconds ticked by. Doug’s eyes stayed locked on Stewart’s but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything.
Stewart turned away suddenly and walked over to the window. He leaned against it, one palm on the pane, other hand on his hip, staring out.
Doug got to his feet and walked over, stopping behind him. Sliding his hands around Stewart’s waist, he pulled him in, lips moving to his ear. “Hey,” he said softly, breathing in his scent. “I hope you were talking about me just now.”
Stewart chuckled, his hands coming down and sliding over Doug’s arms, tightening his grip. They stood like that for a moment, then Stewart unwrapped himself from Doug’s arms and turned, facing him. He took Doug’s face in his hands. “No,” he said. “I’m in love with Dewey, actually.”
Doug took in a short breath, then Stewart’s smirking grin appeared. “You fucking better not be!” Doug said, laughing.
Stewart grabbed him and turned their bodies, pressing Doug against the wall. “I am in love...” He leaned closer, hips pushing into him. “With Doug Crandall.”
Doug smiled. “I wasn’t sure you knew my last name.”
“It’s on your mail,” Stewart said. “I peeked.”
Doug grabbed Stewart’s head and yanked him in, capturing his mouth, driving his tongue deep. Stewart breathed hard through his nose, thrusting his hips into Doug’s. Still gripping Stewart’s head, Doug broke the kiss. “Bedroom.”
Letting out a breath, Stewart stepped back. “This way.”