22

Two days later, Helen snuck out of church early and ran for home. Katie had given her an odd look when she muttered an excuse about her stomach aching as she exited their pew while everyone stood for the closing hymn. It hadn’t been a lie. Her gut had been tied up in knots ever since Tori Adams made an announcement about a riderless horse her son Lewis had spotted down by the river the day before. Mr. Porter had taken the boy fishing and had tried to catch the still-saddled beast, but being on foot, he’d not been able to keep up with the animal when it spooked and ran.

Mr. Porter was about as good with horses as Miss Bertie Chandler was with blackberry syrup, and Miss Bertie’s syrup had won enough blue ribbons to fill an entire kitchen drawer. If Ben Porter couldn’t catch the horse, Helen didn’t know why she thought she could do any better, but she had to try.

Because she wasn’t the only one whose ears had perked up at the announcement. That Pinkerton fella had shown up at services too, making Helen’s stomachache even worse, and he’d volunteered to track down the runaway.

Claire had told Helen about the detective’s questions when she’d come out to the cabin to check on her patient yesterday. Dunbar had asked her some generic questions about Grace and then probed her about unusual occurrences around town. Had anyone unfamiliar come to the clinic for medical assistance? Anyone try to buy supplies? He made it sound like he was only asking as a way to prevent someone from getting close to Grace through dishonest means. He had urged Claire not to treat any strangers without first checking with him or the marshal.

He was looking for Lee. Helen was sure of it. Which meant he was the one who’d shot him. The vile thought stirred her simmering anger to such a pitch, she found a new burst of energy as she ran toward the farmhouse. She couldn’t let him find Lee’s horse. Not if the animal still wore its saddle and bags. She had to rescue Lee’s Bible.

Her stranger had been burning with fever the last two days, more unconscious than not. Tossing, turning, flailing, moaning. Calling for Rachel. Every once in a while, even calling for Helen. She had bathed his face and neck with cool water throughout the day and had even sneaked away at night to tend him, careful to leave the farmhouse after everyone was asleep and to return before the roosters crowed in order to avoid suspicion.

She’d followed Claire’s directions in cooking up the milk and bread poultice and applied it four times a day. But still, Lee’s fever raged. If it didn’t break soon, she might have to fulfill his request to find Rachel and give her his Bible after all. Not that she would mind meeting Rachel. Lee’s sister had endured the same crucible Helen had as a child. They were bound to feel a kinship of sorts. Yet she didn’t want a kinship based on mutual loss. Not when that loss meant Lee’s death.

Please, Lord, she prayed as a stitch in her side caused her to slow to a brisk walk. He’s the first man I ever met who didn’t make me want to run in the opposite direction. She glared at the scattered clouds that lollygagged their way across the sky. Isn’t that why you recruited me for nursing duty? Because you knew Lee was the one man on earth who would actually make me feel safe? You can’t take him from me now. Not after I’ve gone all soft for him. That would be a trick my old man would pull. Not the act of a loving Father.

Like the time her pa had waited just long enough for her to grow attached to Corky’s runt pup. All the spaniel’s siblings had been sold or given away, but no one wanted little Percy, with his mismatched eyes and uneven gait. No one but Helen. To her, he was the most perfect friend a girl could want. Loyal and full of love, licking her face and following wherever she went. Even making her laugh when no one else was around to hear. Her affection-starved heart hadn’t stood a chance.

She’d been careful not to let her delight in the puppy show around her pa, but he must have guessed. Two months after Percy had been weaned, just long enough to make her believe she might get to keep him, her pa brought a gunnysack out to the barn. He snatched Percy by the scruff of his neck, tossed him inside, and marched down to the river.

Helen had screamed and wailed, chasing after her pa, begging him not to drown her pup. But it hadn’t stopped him.

“The pup is mine, not yours, brat. And if I don’t want to spare the food to feed it, I can do what I want to rid myself of the critter. Just like I can with you. So shut yer mouth.”

She had. She’d shut everything down that day. Turned off the tears. Turned off her heart. Vowed never to give him a weapon to use against her like that again. Caring only made you weak. Vulnerable.

You’re supposed to be better than that, she accused the Father she’d always believed to be worth her devotion, unlike the earthly model she’d been stuck with. You’re supposed to give good gifts to your children. Isn’t that what you promised?

Oh, she knew the Bible promised God’s children hardship as well as blessing. Hardship didn’t scare her. She’d dealt with it her entire life. God could send all the suffering, persecution, and fiery trials he wanted. What he couldn’t do was tease her with hope, break open her sealed-up heart, then yank the gift away. That would make him cruel. And she’d never serve a cruel master. Ever.

The stitch in her side suddenly sharpened to a full-blown cramp. Helen grimaced and stumbled to a halt, pinching her waist between her thumb and fingers. As she did so, the verse the traveling preacher had read from the pulpit that morning tripped through her muddled mind. The earth is the Lord’s, and the fullness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.

Helen shuddered, the passage from Psalm 24 echoing far too closely the words her father had spouted when he’d stolen Percy from her. Ownership. God owned everything. The world. The people. Helen.

No. She would not be owned. She’d not simply lie down and let someone else dictate her life, meekly accepting whatever happened.

If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

The words of Jesus slammed into her heart and shattered her arguments. Helen grabbed her middle and doubled over, though not because of the cramp in her side. This pain went deeper, to the pit of her soul. She was the whosoever trying to save her own life, which meant she was destined to lose it. Unless she found a way to deny herself. Give up control and fully surrender her will to that of her Savior. If she truly wanted to follow him, she had to be willing to go wherever he led. Even through the valley of the shadow of death.

She’d always thought that meant her death. But what if it meant the death of another? One she cared about? Tears welled in her eyes. She hadn’t shed tears since the day her pa had drowned her puppy. She hadn’t even allowed herself to cry when her mother died. Tears equaled weakness. Yet it wasn’t weakness that brought the moisture to her eyes as she stood in the middle of the farmhouse road. It was contrition. By refusing to deny herself, she had denied her Lord. Throwing ultimatums in his face as if she had the right.

Fail to heal Lee, and I won’t love you anymore, she’d threatened. I’ll turn my back on you. Call you unjust, a betrayer. Was her love for him so shallow that she’d turn her back like a petulant child if she didn’t get her way?

The first tear rolled down her cheek, followed by a second and a third, until a stream flowed. Helen tightened her grip on her midsection and rocked slightly as she released the last vestiges of her control. “O, God, you are good,” she said softly, her voice cracking as her throat grew thick. “Your love is perfect. Your ways are perfect. You are worthy of my trust. No matter what comes. You are able to save Lee from death, but even if you do not, I will still follow you. I will still love you. Because you are not cruel or unjust or petty. You are holy and righteous and full of compassion. You are God, able to see not only into the past but into the future, and I trust you to know what is best.”

The tears continued to fall, and Helen made no move to wipe them away. She needed the cleansing, needed to let go, needed to let the Shepherd lead.

A soft whinny echoed in her ears.

Her head jerked up and a smile stretched her mouth wide. O, Lord. You are good.

For there, not a hundred yards away from her, stood the very thing she’d sought when she’d bolted from church. A chestnut gelding. Saddle. No rider.

Lee’s horse.

She laughed. A tear-clogged, croak of a laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. One that felt so free, she did it again. She’d thought she’d felt true freedom on the day her father died, but she’d only lost her jailor, not her chains. Today she was truly free.

Unwrapping her arms from about her middle, Helen straightened and smiled again. She felt lighter, buoyant almost, and so full of hope that she thought her heart might burst.

She still didn’t know Lee’s fate, but the Lord had sent her his horse, so she’d be thankful for that blessing and leave the rest in the Almighty’s hands.

After pulling a handkerchief out of her pocket and cleaning up the mess she’d made of her face, Helen approached the horse. She moved slowly but confidently, speaking to the animal in low tones.

“Hey, boy.” She held her palm open in front of her as her skirts rustled the tall grass near the shallow creek that must have drawn the animal to this particular spot. The big horse blinked at her and swished his tail but showed no signs of fear. “Looking for Lee? I’m helping him. I’d like to help you, too. I could get you out of that saddle if you hold still for a few minutes. What do you say?”

As she neared the horse, she could see the scrapes where the chestnut had tried to free himself from his tack with no success. Helen recalled sleeping in her clothes several days in a row when traveling and the sore places she’d developed from her corset pressing into her skin with no relief. How much worse must a saddle be? So heavy and unwieldly.

She moved within reach. The chestnut snorted and sidestepped. “Easy, boy.” She offered him her hand to smell, and when he calmed a bit, she reached up to stroke his cheek. She continued petting him and murmuring praise, moving along his neck and over his shoulder until she reached the cinch strap. Acting as if they were in a confined barn stall instead of out on the wide-open prairie where the horse could spook and run for days, Helen lifted the stirrup and hooked it over the saddle horn to get it out of the way. Then she tugged on the cinch strap. The chestnut blew out a breath, as if eager to assist. The fastening loosened, and the girth fell free. Quickly, Helen tied up the extra strap length and, keeping a hand on the horse’s body, made her way behind him to the other side. He was a little too tall for her, but she managed to drag the saddle and pad off without tumbling onto her rear.

The chestnut bolted the moment he was free of his burden. Helen made no move to stop him, just grinned at his exuberance. As he scampered off, she turned her attention to the tack at her feet. Lee’s saddlebag hung from the side of the cantle, still affixed. She hunkered down in the grass and unbuckled the leather pouch. Inside were a fresh shirt and a small book—the Bible he’d asked her to take to his sister. A brown ribbon marked a passage near the end.

Helen pulled upward on the ribbon until the Bible opened, and immediately her eyes were drawn to the underlined verse in the middle of the left page. The first verse of Galatians 5.

“‘Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.’” Helen turned her face to the sky. “I will,” she vowed.

Never again would she allow her fear of being hurt to shackle her.