Thirty-Seven

Blood was everywhere, and everyone around her was killing or dying. Some fought with businesslike detachment, severing heads and limbs and calmly moving on. Others dealt death with teeth bared wide and eyes alight with glee. Then there were those like her and her opponent, grim and wary, locked in a desperate struggle to survive. He’s just a boy. I’ve just become a woman. Why does one of us have to die? But he was as frightened as she was, and just as determined to survive. She wielded a saber rather than one of the two-handed swords used by her comrades, but she was exhausted now and barely able to lift it.

The young lieutenant caught her with a glancing blow, knocking off her helmet. His eyes widened and he paused a moment as her hair spilled about her shoulders. As if of its own volition, her sword thrust out and took him though the throat. She watched in shock and horror as he dropped his weapon and clutched at his neck, his eyes white with fear. He took a faltering step toward her, his hand thrust out, choking as blood gurgled from the wound. Something struck her from behind and she was flying though air, falling… falling… as the bruised sky wheeled above her. She seemed to fall for a very long time, and then something caught her… and then he was there.

Catherine groaned and clutched her blankets. Her head was pounding and every movement was agony. The acrid smell of smoke assailed her nostrils and tickled at the back of her throat, and the sound of busy water burbled close by. She opened her eyes, wincing as she slowly turned her head. “Sinclair?” she croaked, disoriented and confused.

“Ah! My delicious enemy! My lovely wife.”

Hitching herself onto her elbows, she looked around. They were on a gravel outcrop by the side of the river, sheltered by an overhanging tree. Jamie had a fire going and was busy cooking something. The delicious smells of field bread and frying salt pork wafted toward her, and her stomach grumbled.

“Hungry, are you? I’m glad to hear you’re almost back to your old self.”

How did he… what is he doing here? “I thought I dreamt you.”

“Women say that all the time.”

She nodded toward the neat little camp as she struggled to remove the wet leather that was chafing her neck and under her arms. “You did all this?”

“I’m more than a pretty face, love,” he said, reaching to help her.

She raised a hand defensively and pushed him away, seeing to the task herself, then glared at him suspiciously as he handed her meat and bread. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in London with William and your whores?”

“What do you remember?” he asked, ignoring her ingratitude.

“I remember the charge. I remember fighting by the river, and then everything went dark.”

“Be glad you didn’t see it all.”

“I saw enough.”

Her tone gave him pause, and he looked at her carefully. “Are you alright?”

“I’m alive. I need to go back and find my family. I need to make sure they’re alright.”

“They’re fine. I saw them hale and hearty after the battle was won.”

“We won?”

“You did. A complete victory, your enemies destroyed, though I saw your leader fall and fear him numbered among the dead. Congratulations.”

“Please, don’t mock me. I really can’t bear it right now.” She saw him again, the young lieutenant, hands scrabbling at his throat, and ran into the bushes, stomach heaving.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Everything hurts, other than that I’m fine. You’re dripping more blood than I am. Why didn’t you say something?”

“I’m not a bawling baby like you.”

She flung a handful of gravel at him, pulling up short as the muscles in her neck and shoulders screamed in agony. “Be quiet, stupid man! Why are you here?”

“I’ve come to take you home.”

She looked at him, moved suddenly from anger to the edge of tears. “I have to go see it first.”

“I know. It’s on the way.”

She’d slept through all of one day and most of a second, and by the time they made the pass again, a full three days had passed. The Highlanders had already gathered their dead and moved on, but government troops and locals were picking their way through what remained. Catherine sat on a hill above the river, watching through a steady drizzling rain.

Jamie came and sat beside her, placing his arm around her shoulders. She didn’t protest.

“All these men had families. What have I done?”

He gave her a hug. “Your duty as a chieftain and what you needed to survive.”

“It was senseless, stupid! It’s not what I wanted. I tried my best to keep us out of it, but it happened anyway, and when it did I was in the thick of it. I ran screaming down the hill with all the rest. Look at them, poor bastards. Most of them were only boys.”

She was shaking. He kissed the top of her head. “Some things you just can’t make sense of and this is one of them. It will only make you crazy if you try. You have to take them in, accept them, and then move on. It gets better once you do.”

“Is it always like this… after?”

“I can’t really say, love. I usually drink myself unconscious and find a willing whor—Here now, look what I’ve found!” He pulled out a hip flask. “What say we have a spot of this? Just the thing for a rainy day.” They passed the flask back and forth between them, the liquid warming them on the inside as the rain stopped and the early morning sunshine inched up the hill.

“Shall we go now, Cat?” he asked after a while. “They’ll be able to see us soon.”

She nodded and stood. They walked on in silence throughout the afternoon and into the early evening.

“Why are you really here?” she asked after several hours, tired of hearing only birdcalls, snapping branches, labored breathing, and gravel crunching underfoot. “Are you on a mission for William?”

“I told you, I came to find you.”

“Is there some trouble with the papers? Why didn’t you write me instead?”

“I haven’t looked at the damned papers. They’re still sitting on a desk somewhere. I came because I was worried about you. I missed you. I came because I love you, mouse. You’ve melted my cold heart.”

“Spare me, please!” she snorted. “What game are you playing now?”

“The rest of it’s the game. You’re the prize, the only thing that makes this bloody farce worthwhile. I just wanted to keep you safe. It’s become a habit.”

She’d been shocked to see him, and though she was relieved and grateful he’d come, it distressed her that the unruly longings she thought she’d tamed had returned, as raw as they’d ever been. She wanted to believe him, but she remembered his abandonment, and she remembered Moll. “I thank you for your help, but I know the way from here. I can get home safely on my own.”

“Maybe so. But I’m here now, so you won’t have to.”

They bedded down that night in the lee of a granite boulder, still miles apart, despite being close enough to touch.

Catherine continued waspish and sullen throughout the next day, and Jamie decided to try a different approach.

“I didn’t sleep with her, you know.”

“Are you never quiet, English?”

He refused to respond, proving her wrong. It was another twenty minutes and almost dark before either of them spoke again.

“That’s not what it looked like.”

They clambered over a rocky ledge and slid and scrambled down a barren hill. It would be full dark soon, and they’d yet to find a place to make camp.

Jamie pointed to a shallow overhang. “I’ve no taste for mountaineering in the dark. Let’s set up camp over there.” They went about the business of getting comfortable for the night in a strained silence.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you, Catherine. God knows I never meant to.”

“For an avowed atheist, you call on God as witness rather a lot, English.”

“My beliefs have changed. I’ve become an agnostic. Open-minded, willing to believe, prepared to be convinced.”

“And what’s brought on this sudden conversion?”

“It’s not sudden. It started in the Highlands, shortly after I met you, and it’s been growing ever since.”

“Goodness gracious me! Next thing I know you’ll be off to the monastery!”

“Heaven forbid.” He threw another branch on the fire and came to flop down beside her. “I’m not talking about religion, Catherine. I’m talking about you and me.”

“Are you now?” She felt a start of pleasure, but his withdrawal had hurt her badly, and she was tired of playing his games and following his rules. “Has it occurred to you, Jamie, that it’s not my life’s goal to convince you of anything? I’ve no intention of convincing any man I’m worthy of his love. I’m something special, English. A man should get down on his knees and weep tears of gratitude if he’s lucky enough to have me. He should thank whatever god he believes in every day and… and if he’s just too stupid to realize how lucky he is to have me, then I don’t want him!”

“I know that, love.” His voice was husky, pleading, and she could feel the heat from his body, just inches from her own. She tried to move away but he leaned on top of her, using his weight to pin her under her blanket. She struggled to free herself, though not very hard.

“It’s for me to convince you. I may not say the things you want me to, and I can’t claim to have been faithful to you through the full course of our marriage, but you did bash me on the head and toss me away. I never expected to see you again and a man has to amuse himself somehow, but I swear I’ve never looked elsewhere since you walked back into my life. I told you I’d been faithful since you came to London, love. That certainly didn’t change after we made love. I didn’t sleep with Moll and I wouldn’t have, even had you never seen me there. What you saw… well… she’s just an old friend. I’ve known her many years.”

Catherine snorted.

“She was pursuing me, Catherine. Would you have had me drop her on the floor?”

“Oh, heavens no. It must have been very distressing. No wonder you struggled so. In any case, it’s no business of mine.”

“Yes it is. I had no wish to embarrass her or be cruel, but when you saw us I was telling her goodbye.”

“Why?”

“I… because I wasn’t interested anymore. Because when I took you to my bed, I felt I’d made you some kind of promise. I don’t know. You’re not like the other women I know. You’re not the type of woman a fellow plays with.” Even as he said it, he was playing with the collar of her shirt.

She slapped his hand away. “No, of course not, hulking, mannish—”

“Hush!” He lifted the blanket and slipped underneath, ignoring her kicking and squirming. “Enough, lass. There’s a chill in the air tonight. Don’t be so sullen as to keep us both cold. I love how you’re made. You’re a glorious woman, muscled and sleek, yet soft and rounded in all the right places.” His hand cupped her breast and squeezed. “It stirred my blood that first night in my tent. I wondered what it would be like to have you willing.”

“Well, you’re not likely to find out tonight.” She elbowed him sharply in the side, and he grunted in pain.

“Jesus, hellcat, watch out! I think I cracked a rib in the river.”

“I’m sorry!” She was instantly contrite. “I didn’t know. You never said anything. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Let me see.”

He pulled up his shirt, revealing a chain of scrapes and cuts and ugly bruises running from shoulder to hip.

“Oh, Jamie! I had no idea. The river did this to you? And you came in there after me!”

He nodded solemnly. Doubtless, they looked worse in the firelight, and some were a result of the battle, but her smile was tender, her touch was gentle, and her voice was warm for the first time since he’d found her. He held his breath and held his tongue as cool fingers carefully explored his chest, his waist, his hip, gingerly probing and lightly caressing before moving on.

“Are you enjoying this?”

“Go just a little further and you’ll see.”

“You’re badly bruised. It must be painful for you to breathe, but I don’t feel anything broken. You’re in far worse shape than I am. It seems you took the brunt of it in my stead. Once again I owe you my thanks.”

She tugged at his shirt to pull it back down but he caught her wrist and stopped her, pulling her up against him so that she covered his length. “You owe me nothing, Catherine, but I owe you the truth. I didn’t sleep with Moll because I knew it would hurt you. I knew you’d forgive me William, but you’d not forgive me that. I’ve caused you pain in other ways, I know, but you’ve given me many gifts and I’d not repay you like that. I swear there are no other women, only you.”

She believed him. He’d never lied before, why would he start now? Why come all this way for that? She felt a warm rush of relief. She relaxed against him and let her head drop to his shoulder, careful of his left side. He wrapped his arms around her, one hand gently feathering the hair on the nape of her neck.

“I don’t doubt your word, Jamie. If you say you didn’t, then it’s true.”

“But you doubt my affections.”

“You’ve warned me to, often enough.” Make me believe you, Jamie… Please.

His hands were wandering again, trailing up and down her back, and brushing the outsides of her breasts.

“Are you trying to seduce me?”

“I am. I’m hopeful that it’s working. I’ve got you in my arms and you aren’t hurting me anymore.”

She sighed and lifted her fingers to trace his lips. “It’s so hard to stay angry with you when you exert yourself to charm. You feel some obligation after sharing a bed. Is that to be enough?”

“For an intelligent woman, you’re very muddleheaded about some things, love. I’ve broken every rule I’ve lived my life by, starting the moment I found you at the River Clyde. Trust no one, depend only on yourself, always act in your own self-interest, and when you accept a commission, always see it through. All of them,” he snapped his fingers, “out the window, just like that. William offered lands and titles, things I once held dear. I’ve abandoned it all, ignored a lifetime of hard-earned lessons, all because of you. I’d do it again, too, did you but crook your little finger. Why would I do such things if I didn’t care for you deeply?”

“Sullivan says I’m one of your pets.” She shifted slightly. Her knee rested against his groin and she slid her hand under the blanket, her fingers trailing patterns across his chest.

“Sullivan knows I love my pets.” Christ! It’s been so long!

“So you hold me in as much esteem as you do your horses and the dogs?”

“I swear that I do,” he said solemnly. “OW!”

She smoothed the hair she’d just yanked and kissed him on the temple. “Do you know what I was thinking when I waited on the hilltop, expecting I was going to die?” She drew her thumb along his collarbone, and spoke warm and close, her words tickling his ear.

A delicious shiver traveled along his spine, and his arousal stirred, swelling and straining against its restraints. Oh God! She turns me into a schoolboy and she hasn’t even kissed me yet. “What?” he asked, breathless.

“I thought… it’s not the things I’ve done I regret, but those I didn’t do.” She drew her fingernail down his torso, hard enough to quicken his breath, but not enough to hurt, and her lips nibbled the sensitive arc of ear, throat, and jaw. “I thought… I never regretted you.” Her fingers played over his abdomen now, and her lips were close to his. “I thought of all the things I’d do to you if I ever had the chance again.” Oh Jamie! You came!

“And did you think that you still loved me?” he asked, taking her face between his hands and drawing her into a kiss.

“No,” she murmured against his lips. “I didn’t think of that at all.”

He groaned as her hand moved lower, tugging at the fastening of his breeches. She gave a final pull and he sprang free, leaping into her hand. His hips thrust forward and she gripped him tighter, stroking, and squeezing, making him gasp. He deepened his kiss, his tongue thrusting and dancing with hers in a fierce tempo that matched the rhythm of his hips. He traced the contours of her neck with a delicate touch, then slid his hands beneath her shirt and smoothed them over her shoulders, enjoying the feel of her skin, hot against his palms. “Your flesh is soft and yielding, but your heart is hard as iron.”

“I might say the reverse of you.”

“Naughty girl. Come closer if you dare.” He reached for her knee, pulling it forward until she was on top of him. “Like that,” he whispered as he brushed the hair from her face. As she wiggled and squirmed, making herself comfortable, the fabric of her clothing rubbed his naked flesh. His breath caught in his throat and he released it in a groan. His fingers lifted, brushed, and tugged, and her shirt slid off her shoulders and down her back, pooling at her waist. “Oh, sweet Jesus!”

As Catherine learned forward to kiss him, the movement pushed her tight against his straining erection. The muscles between her legs flexed and quivered, and a moist heat fluttered and ached inside. She squeezed his hips between her thighs and ground against him, delighted by the power to make him moan. I could make him do anything right now. I could make him say whatever I wanted, but she was too proud to ask.

Strong hands gripped her waist and suddenly she was beneath him. “You’re so beautiful, Catherine. I’ve dreamt of this, night after night, every night since you left me.”

“You left me. You knew where to find me. You never wrote. You never came.”

“And I’m sorry for it. I was angry you were gone, Catherine, and hurt you didn’t want me, and given my last reception I could hardly walk straight into your home. When I heard about the Jacobite uprising, I attached myself to Mackay’s army. I thought you’d be in the thick of it and you were. I came, love. Surely you knew I would.”

“I didn’t. I thought I was a burden to you. How could you ever think I didn’t want you?”

“This is my dream, Catherine. The best one I’ve had in a very long time. I don’t want to argue in it. If you’re still in my arms when I wake, we can talk about anything and everything you like.”

The swell of joy and hope she’d tried to contain escaped her and she murmured her assent through an onslaught of hungry kisses. When he bent his head to nuzzle her eager nipples she let go of all that weighed between them, losing herself in the moment and the man. You came… I love you Jamie… you came. Her body blushed and prickled, pulsing, aching, each time his knowing lips brushed her tender flesh. Strong fingers plumped each breast in turn as his hot mouth moved from swollen tip to swollen tip, nibbling and sucking, teasing and tugging, leaving a trail of hot kisses in between.

“I love you, Catherine. You claimed my heart soon after we met, a beautiful Highland selkie who kept me safe within her cave. No one ever came to my rescue before. I laughed and I teased you, but I’d never been so deeply moved. While I was waiting at The Hague, I promised myself I’d tell you as soon as I saw you again.” He wet a taut nipple with his tongue and blew on it gently. “It made me very happy to admit it. You’re the only one I’ve ever truly loved.” He turned his attention to the other tip, one hand plumping her as the other tickled its peak. She whimpered and he soothed her with a wet kiss. She moaned, gripping his shoulders as her heels dug in the ground.

He lifted his head and looked straight into her eyes. “I feared I’d lost you when I saw you in that river. You’re the only thing that gives my life meaning, Catherine. I love you.” His lips brushed the corner of her mouth. “I love you,” he breathed against her lips. “I love you!” He enfolded her in his arms and thrust his tongue deep in her mouth, claiming her in a voluptuous kiss.

Catherine pushed against him, working frantically to remove her breeches, kicking in annoyance when they tangled in her boots. Jamie chuckled, wriggling his hips as he shrugged off his own, but before either could finish, their bodies joined together in a tangled bundle of bedding, limbs, and clothes. He entered her with one deep thrust. She was slick and hot and ready, and as he drove into her again and again, she rose to meet him, her hunger as fierce as his own. Their cries echoed off the walls of the nearby mountains and rose into the night. They found their release together, shuddering and shaking, raw with pleasure and shouting their joy.

They sank back into each other, contented and at peace. The stream trickled in the distance and there was the hiss and pop of the fire, but otherwise all was quiet. Catherine’s heart was singing and she couldn’t stop touching him, petting and squeezing, stroking and caressing, as if making certain he was really there. Her head rested on his chest and he absently stroked her hair. They lay like that for several minutes before Jamie set her gently aside and jumped to his feet.

“HELLO!” he shouted. Helloooo… the mountain answered back. “JAMIE SINCLAIR LOVES CATHERINE DRUMMOND!” Loves Catherine Drummond… Catherine Drummond, it repeated in kind.

“Get back down here, you bloody fool! They’ll hear you all the way to Inverness!”

He dropped down beside her, snuggling close. “Make room, love. Your man is cold.” She lifted the blanket so he could slide in beside her, and then wrapped an arm around his back. They lay together nose to nose, toes entwined. “You never said it to me.”

“Said what?”

“You know… the words.”

“I believe it was your turn.”

“I don’t deny it, but there’s something of a protocol isn’t there? When one person says it, the other says it back.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Ah.”

“I’m teasing you, Jamie,” she said, relenting immediately. “You know I love you. I’ve learnt that I can live my life without you, but it’s being with you that makes each day a joy.”

“Say it.”

“I love you. I love you madly!”

“When did you know?”

“I believe I recognized the danger in the selkie cave, just like you did.”

“But you bashed me on the head!”

“No… I had someone do that for me. I was a sensible girl in those days, and when you kissed me, you called me Molly.”

She shifted onto her back, clutching his hand tight in hers. She felt giddy. He said it! He shouted it! He’d never have done that if he didn’t mean it. He’d not have come if it weren’t true. One moment you think you’re about to die, and the next your life’s starting over again, wonderful and new. Despite being nighttime, the world was alive with color. The stars glittered with icy fire, embers danced and fluttered like brilliant crimson leaves, and the crescent moon glowed gold and yellow, hanging halfway up an inky sky.

“The world is perfect!”

“Yes it is,” Jamie said with an indulgent smile. “At least it is when I’m with you.”

“At moments like this… do you ever wonder if there’s some higher force at work?”

“I’m an adult, love. I don’t believe in fairy tales.”

“You don’t believe in anything?”

“I believe in you, Catherine. That’s all I need.”

“What if I disappoint you some day?”

“You wouldn’t.”

“How do you know? You were gone for several months. I thought you had a lover. Perhaps I found some husky barelegged lad and… mmppphhhh.”

He stopped her with a forceful kiss. “No, mouse. Not you. Not that. You’re a jewel of many facets, love. Beautiful as a summer’s day and tempestuous as the sea, but without her fickle disposition. Betrayal’s not in your nature. Why all these questions? Lay back and enjoy the sky. Or if you wish… ”

“Stop!” She pulled his hand back from its wanderings, and held it tight to her chest. “You promised you’d answer my questions. I didn’t understand why you couldn’t love me, and why you kept pulling away. I don’t want unanswered questions between us. If you answer me now, I promise I’ll never ask you again.”

He lay back with a sigh. “I said I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I never said I didn’t love you. I think I loved you from the start. That was the problem. I’ve always tried to avoid strong feelings, Catherine. They say bad blood runs deep, a man takes after his parents. I’m the offspring of a vicious bully and a slut. I wanted a wife who… didn’t excite strong emotions. One of whom I wouldn’t be jealous, and who wouldn’t be hurt when I strayed. Then you landed in my lap and I had no idea what to do with you. I grew muddleheaded. I started making mistakes. I… had difficulty maintaining my detachment. Christ, Catherine! I took you brawling and whoring with me in London. What kind of husband does that? I let you see what—

“What lies behind the mask?” She kissed his shoulder and then wrapped an arm around his chest. “Perhaps you were rebelling against the idea of a loveless marriage.”

He turned his head, trying to see her in the dark. “Perhaps. It would make sense in an odd sort of way. You did the same. I suppose we’re both rebels, Cat. Perhaps that’s why we suit. But you left me with so few defenses. It unnerved me.”

“So… let me see if I understand. You love me, but it’s against your will and better judgment, lest I betray you, which you scoff at, as I’m as trustworthy and loyal as an old hound. You fear you’re as inconstant, lustful, and fickle as your mother, yet for well over a year you’ve been faithful to a wife you’ve only been able to fu… mph.

He held his hand clamped firmly over her mouth. “I’ve fucked hundreds of women, Catherine. I make love to you.”

“Well, I hope it’s to your liking, as it’s all that you’re allowed. You’re not like your parents, you know. You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met. You make me laugh and you’ve taken me wonderful places and shown me marvelous things. As you said, what kind of husband does that? No one but you. You’re good natured and kind-hearted, gallant and loyal, and I find you vastly entertaining when you pretend to be otherwise.”

“I know a king or two who might argue with my loyalty.”

“Perhaps. I put friends and family first, and I’m content if you do, too. How could you possibly think I didn’t want you, or wouldn’t want you back?”

“I… no one who knows me has ever wanted to keep me, mouse.”

“Oh, Jamie! No one knows you as I do. You’re my dearest friend and my greatest love and I’ll keep you gladly. I know I said some cruel things to you when I was angry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean them and I knew they weren’t true. And don’t ever think I didn’t want to keep you. It made me furious and broke my heart to see you with that woman, but I waited six weeks after for you to return. I’d not have left if my family hadn’t needed me, and if I’d known you wanted me, I’d have promised to return. Nothing could make me stop loving you. I promise you, Jamie, your heart is safe with me.”

He kissed her hungrily, his hands roaming her body, possessive and sure, and when he entered her his movements were deliberate, exquisitely careful, and deliciously slow. If there’s anyone who listens, I thank you for this gift. They moved as one, in a rhythm as old as the mountains, using words they’d been afraid to say for months, with every new caress. When Jamie finally sank against her in grateful release, he knew that he’d come home.