After wiping away my tears and taking a few deep breaths, I stepped out of my car. I couldn't recall how many times I’d crossed that parking lot and walked down that walkway. I couldn’t recall how many gallons of tears I’d shed along that cobblestone pathway. I couldn't recall how many bouquets of flowers I’d nestled next to that tombstone before sitting beside her grave and mindlessly talking.

I couldn't recall how many times I’d needed my mother over the past few years.

“Hey there, Mom,” I said as I laid down the flowers.

My eyes took in her newly-minted headstone. A birthday gift my father got for her this past year. Her tombstone had been weathered and started fading. Something that made me sick. My mother didn’t deserve a faded tombstone, because she’d never fade. I’d always cling to the memories of us, no matter how much time had passed. I went to my father crying over it one day and he placed an order an hour later to have it updated.

I didn’t want there to be any indication of the myth that she had been forgotten about.

I could never forget my own mother.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get back out here. But school has been absolutely grueling.”

I sighed as I sat down, crossing my legs and smoothing my hand over the place where I thought her head might by. What I wouldn’t give to feel the softness of her hair again.

“School’s been good. I finished up my first year of my Master’s program four weeks ago. I’m home for the summer. I thought about getting a summer job and staying around campus, but things with Matthew got tough and I decided that maybe coming home was for the best.”

My eyes fluttered over the lush green grass of her grave.

“I really miscalculated with him, Mom. I mean, I was really off the mark. I thought I knew him after spending so many years with him. After bringing him by here and letting you meet him. But when I started my Master’s program, things went quickly downhill, and they just got worse as time went on.”

I snickered and shook my head as my eyes fluttered over her name.

“He cheated, you know. Yeah. Just… in front of the cameras and everything. I woke up one morning a few months ago and his face and hers were plastered everywhere on the news. The first picture taken of them was in Cairo. It was a trip he wanted to take me on, but I couldn't go because I had a test to study for I was supposed to take that Monday morning. I guess he really didn’t want to go on the trip alone.”

I wiped at a stray tear before I curled my knees into my chest.

“And you know how the news works. Once there’s one picture, there’s bound to be more. For days, that news segment ran. Picture after picture of him and this girl. Holding hands. Kissing. In all these exotic locations Matthew wanted to take me on. Places I couldn't go because of the demands of my degree. And I admit, I could have taken my study material with me and worked time in on the plane rides over. Or late at night after he had fallen asleep. But… I didn’t think he would cheat on me. Sure, we took lots of vacations during my undergrad. But did he really think life would always be like that for us?”

I closed my eyes and allowed the Los Angeles breeze to brush over my body.

“I talked with him the first time it happened, and he told me he’d break it off. That he was sorry. That he was just hurt at how I was putting my degree before him. We came to an agreement that if he cut things off with her and go to counseling with me, that we could work things out and I wouldn’t leave. And guess what happened?”

I sighed so hard I made myself light-headed.

“You would have seen it coming, you know? You would have told me not to trust his words. You would have given me the strength to cut it off the first time instead of going another round with him. And when I walked in on them in his apartment near campus to surprise him with a weekend in and found him bent over her… I snapped. My entire world dimmed. My heart shattered. And then I came home and did something I know you’re going to hate me for.”

I shifted myself so I sat beside her tombstone before I laid my cheek against it.

“I slept with Colton, Mom. I don’t even know how it happened. It just… happened. The kiss was an accident, and then I was flooded with all these emotions, and absolutely none of them were negative. I felt safe and comforted and wanted and beautiful. All of the things that had been absent in mine and Matthew’s relationship for months. Possibly even throughout the entire year of my Master’s. They were all there in his kiss, and I caved. And now, I don’t know what to think. Or how to feel. Dad’s so mad, Mom. He punched Colt. Took him right to the ground without a second thought.”

I allowed my tears to drop onto her grave as I drew in a ragged breath.

“I know Colt and Dad made you a promise in the hospital before you died. I know they both promised to look after me. And you have to believe me when I say that nothing has happened between Colt and I up until this point. There wasn’t even a suggestion of it. That’s why it took me by such surprise when he gave into the kiss instead of pulling back. I mean, it was one of those accidental kisses. He went to kiss the top of my head like he always did after we talked and I tilted up to tell him thank you for his advice, and boom. Lips met. And he didn’t pull back. And I didn’t want him to pull back. And I don’t know what that says about me or the man that helped raise me.”

I wiped at my face as my chest jumped with my sobs.

“But I don’t want you to hate him, Mom. I don’t want you to be upset. You should have seen him and how he reacted when Matthew came over to talk. Matthew’s been harassing me in the media and doing all sorts of insane stuff to get my attention. To get me to sit down and talk with him. So, I tried to put a stop to all of it and I invited Matthew over so we could talk. I figured if I told him face-to-face that things were over after having a tame conversation with him, he’d leave me alone. And he got so angry, Mom. I mean, I was really scared of him for the first time since I’d met him. And Colt rushed out and shoved himself between me and him like it was nothing. Colt stood toe-to-toe with Matthew and put this barrier between us. Then, you know what he did?”

A smile crossed my face as I closed my eyes.

“He did it again with Dad. Yeah. Colt and Dad. When everything was happening on the porch with Matthew, somehow he put it together that something had happened between Colt and I. Dad was standing there and heard everything, and before I knew it Colt was on the ground and bleeding. You know that voice Dad gets sometimes when he feels he isn’t being heard? You know, when he thinks it’s his way or the highway and his voice gets really low and in his chest? Well, I kept going back and forth with Dad and trying to get him to understand that Colt didn’t force anything--that I willingly wanted what Colt and I experienced--and his voice lowered. And in a flash, Colt was back up off the ground and standing between me and Dad, telling him that if he had any questions to talk to him. Not me.”

A small giggle fell from my lips as I rested my entire body against my mother’s tombstone.

“He kept his promise, Mom. He said he would protect me, and that’s exactly what he did. And I know it’s confusing. Hell, I’m confused. I mean, it’s Uncle Colton. My step-dad’s brother. He helped raise me. I shouldn't feel this way, right? I shouldn't want to be with him in that type of a capacity. But now that it’s happened, all I can think about is it happening again. All I can think about is how safe he makes me feel and how easy it is to talk with him and how I’ve always been able to trust him. How him and Dad are really the only two men I’ve ever fully been able to trust.”

I reached out and played with the flowers on her grave a little bit before I closed my eyes again.

“I really wish you were here,” I whispered.

My mind wafted back to that first hospital visit. When she was in ICU and hooked up to tubes and IV bags and battered beyond recognition. If that asshole simply would have looked up from their damn phone to see the fucking red light, my mother would still be here. She’d still be here to help me sift through all of this bullshit.

“I don’t want you to be disappointed in me,” I said breathlessly. “And I don’t want you to be disappointed in Colt, either. We both wanted it. In that moment, both of us succumbed to something greater than ourselves. And I don’t regret a second of it.”

Then, I opened my eyes and stood to my feet.

“I don’t want you to be upset with us. I want you to know that Colt never faltered on his promise to you. He’s protected me and cared for me my entire life. He’s one of the only men I’ve ever fully trusted. He’s supportive and helpful, and he never interjects himself unless he feels it’s necessary to the situation. He’s been a pillar for both Dad and I since you died, and I don’t want you thinking he took advantage of me. Because he didn’t. He isn’t capable of it.”

Wind whipped around my body, fluttering my hair and drying up the last of my tears.

“I don’t know where the hell I’m supposed to go from here, but I wanted you to know he didn’t,” I said.