Gabriel Entertains the Smiths
Gabriel was happier than he should have been, faced as he was with the prospect of Joel continuing to stay with him. He was all too aware that every day that went by without being honest with Joel was also one day closer to the inevitable end. The relationship developing between them was delicate and tentative. If the truth of Gabriel's omissions were to come out without his own orchestration, it would be catastrophic.
There were a lot of things Joel needed to know. First and foremost, that his stepfather was Gabriel's brother. Gabriel was hopeful he could justify his dedication to pursuing Joel from the sidelines–that he could explain away the puppeteering. He didn’t think, though, that he could wipe away their familial relations as easily.
He ran the conversation through his head at least three times a day.
“Remember how I told you my younger brother outed me to our father, and I got thrown out? Well, your stepdad is my younger brother.”
“Joel, I need to tell you something. I tried to reconcile with my younger brother a few years ago. But I got there and saw him yelling at you, so I decided to keep tabs on you to make sure you were safe instead of approaching my asshole brother to call him out on his behavior.”
“Would it be a problem if I was your uncle?”
Fuck.
Gabriel dropped his head against his desk, banging it repeatedly. The motion was so aggressive, it jostled one of his drawers loose. Rotating his neck so his cheek was lying across the smooth wood, he pulled the drawer open, reaching inside for the stack of mail he kept there. He dropped it unceremoniously in front of his face, closing his eyes in an attempt to avoid the physical proof of his deception.
The stack of mail was festive in its coloring. Lots of red, gold, and green envelopes, and a handful in burgundy and silver, all addressed to Gabriel Russell. Gabriel reached over to the string that tied the bundle together, loosening the knot and sending a pile of Christmas cards and letters sliding against his nose. Begrudgingly, he opened his eyes, grabbed a handful of cards, and sat back in his chair.
The one on top was the last one he received. One of those picture Christmas cards, from four Christmases prior, postmarked Whittier, CA. He took a steadying breath, reaching out a finger to trace it over the thumbnail of Joel's face, before flicking it against the smiling face of his asshole of a little brother and his conniving wife. He flipped the card over to see Madeline’s flourished and elegant cursive.
“He’s your fucking nephew, and the least you can do is help your FAMILY out, Gabriel. We need money and you have money. Why won’t you help? Thomas was right, all these years, when he told me what a selfish piece of shit you are.”
Based off the address, Madeline had made the assumption that Gabriel and Thomas had the same last name, which demonstrated how little Thomas actually talked about him. Gabriel sighed and set the card aside, flipping to the next one. A younger Joel, not smiling, sitting on a familiar-looking porch, eyes looking beyond the camera. Thomas and Madeline stood beside him, fake smiles plastered on. He flipped it over and was faced again with his annual note from his sister-in-law.
“Your nephew is out of control, Gabriel. Your brother is sure he’s queer, so we need money to send him to one of those conversion camps out of state. Don't let your nephew ruin your brother's life like you already have. You can choose an eternity in hell, but don’t force that on my son, too.”
Gabriel shuffled through the pile, going to when the cards first started. Before his silence showed him what kind of woman his brother married.
“Gabriel, I know that you and Thomas are not speaking, but this is my son, your nephew, Joel. He’s only twelve, but he’s already such a troubled little child. I want the best for him, and while I know there's no hope of you and Thomas reconciling, maybe you can send us some money to help financially? It would ease the stress on our family more than you know. Please don’t tell Thomas I’ve reached out, he would be furious. But you should know your nephew, and we could use the help. That’s what family does, right? Always, Madeline.”
He laughed, putting all the cards back into a pile, ready to slide them back into the drawer when the TV across the room flashed on, indicating someone had triggered the camera at the front door of the condo. He lifted his eyes to the screen to see Joel coming in and closing the door behind him.
“Gabriel, are you home?” The voice echoed, in person and from the monitor.
Footstep, echo, louder footstep, echo.
Fuck.
Gabriel reached inside the center drawer to feel out the remote control, clicking the TV off as Joel knocked on the door.
As shy as he’d been when he’d first showed up, Joel was proving not to be one of those “knock and wait” types. He was more of a “this knock is a warning” type. When the door pushed open, Gabriel used his arm to swipe the cards into a drawer, slamming it shut. He looked up at Joel and smiled.
“Joel. You’re home early?” Gabriel pushed back from his desk, standing up and crossing the room to usher Joel out the door.
“No, it’s nearly seven. I got off at six today. I spent a little time with Athena and Donny after I got off, though, so I’m actually home late. I mean, here late. At your home, late. Not my home. I’m actually getting to your home late.” Joel flushed bright red and stammered through his failed attempt to correct himself on the slip-up, turning to leave.
Gabriel placed his hand reassuringly between Joel's shoulder blades.
“Donny seems like a rather bland name to be related to someone as extravagant as Athena,” Gabriel observed, pulling the door closed behind them.
“It’s a nickname. Athena Marie and Adonis Matthew. Children of Jim and Sarah Smith.” Joel snorted as he made his way into the kitchen, heading toward the fridge so he could start cooking dinner. It had become Joel's little habit, and Gabriel loved the sign of domesticity. “I guess their names were so ordinary they wanted something exotic for their kids.”
Gabriel leaned against the counter to watch Joel cook. “It’s as good a theory as any.”
“Hey, Gabriel, do you think it would be okay for them to come over for dinner?” Joel asked, spending a little more time than necessary lining up some zucchini on the counter.
“Of course. When were you thinking?” Gabriel reached over and turned one of the zucchini sideways, batting at the careful organization Joel was working on.
“Tonight?” Joel looked up at Gabriel, hope shining in his eyes. He licked his lips, pulling his lower lip between his teeth before he smiled. Gabriel could see the indentation his tooth had left in the tender flesh.
He reached up and tugged at Joel's lip, leaning down for a kiss. Joel pressed up onto the balls of his feet to meet Gabriel's mouth. The kiss deepened as Gabriel slanted his mouth over Joel's, licking his way inside. Joel moaned into Gabriel's mouth, and Gabriel's lips curved into a smile.
“Tonight?” Gabriel repeated Joel's question back to him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.
Joel nodded, smiling against Gabriel's mouth before lowering his head so Gabriel would press a kiss onto his forehead. He did.
“Of course it's fine. Your friends are always welcome here. This is your home too, okay?” Gabriel tilted Joel's chin up and kissed the tip of his nose. Joel’s face lit up with a huge smile, and Gabriel reeled as if he had been punched in the chest.
This was wrong.
Holy shit, this was so wrong. Everything he had done that led him to this exact moment had been wrong. The way he’d manipulated Joel and Joel’s life. Joel was overjoyed by the prospect of having friends over for dinner. His smile made it look like he’d won the lottery and Gabriel finally understood, it was because of him Joel had found such little happiness during the past year. Gabriel had grown selfish in his quest for Joel, and had been blind to the depths of Joel’s suffering until now. Gabriel thought he might hate himself.
“Are you sure? You look like it’s not really okay.” Joel reached up and touched the space between Gabriel’s eyebrows.
Gabriel cleared his face of self-hatred and felt the skin under Joel’s finger smooth out. “Of course I’m sure. I’m sorry. My head went elsewhere for a moment.” Gabriel didn’t lie as he leaned down to kiss the top of Joel’s head before pulling back to look at his face.
Another smile split across Joel's face and he took a step backward, raising his eyebrows as he walked toward the front door. With one hand on the knob, Gabriel watched Joel's lips form the words, thank you, and then he opened the door, letting the red-haired tornado that was Athena inside.
“Wow!” She did a quick spin, taking in her surroundings, “Nice digs you’ve got here, handsome stranger.”
Gabriel steeled himself for the unexpected company and forced a convincing laugh at the endearment. “Athena, good to see you again.”
“Same, same. This is my brother, Adonis.” She gestured over her shoulder toward the open door.
Standing next to Joel was a kid who was definitely not an Adonis. Joel was slender, but average height, and he towered over the black-haired boy standing in the doorway. Donny couldn't have stood more than five and half feet tall. He was skinny, and it looked like he might have not yet hit puberty. The boy tried to hide his frame with what looked to be layers and layers of clothes. He smiled a tentative grin at Gabriel as Joel sneezed.
“Fuck,” Donny and Joel both said at the same time.
“Sorry! Sorry!” Donny blurted out, unzipping his hoodie to reveal a crisp white t-shirt underneath. He stepped into the hallway, dropped the hoodie to the floor, and then removed his baggy jeans to reveal a much more form-fitting pair of plaid skinny cut pants underneath. Donny quickly closed the door, leaving his pile of outerwear in the hallway.
Gabriel barked out a laugh.
“Athena made me bring non-cat clothes. She said you’re allergic.” Donny shrugged, his eyes darting between Joel and Gabriel.
Joel walked into the kitchen, pushing past Gabriel, and realigning his zucchini. Gabriel handed him a knife.
“Athena, Donny, can I get you anything to drink?” Gabriel asked, giving Joel's hand a squeeze before he stepped away.
“I would love a Shirley Temple, handsome stranger. Do you have any grenadine in this well-stocked bar of yours?” Athena had wandered over to the wet bar and was dragging her fingers across the top of Gabriel's whiskey bottles.
“I can manage you a Shirley Temple, but only if you stop calling me handsome stranger.” He winked at her, then turned his stare to Donny.
Donny shook off his stare and blinked. “Water is fine.”
“You’re a quiet little thing, aren’t you?” Gabriel gestured his head in Donny’s direction while he poured Athena her drink.
Donny smirked. “Not so much, no. I’m just trying to figure you out.”
“I think Joel could use some help with the zucchini, if you want something to do, Donny. I need to speak with Gabriel alone.” Athena locked her stare onto her younger brother as he accepted a glass of water from Gabriel. He nodded again and disappeared into the kitchen.
Athena crossed the dining area and headed into the family room. She plopped her weight down onto one of Gabriel's couches and patted the cushion next to her.
“Make yourself at home, Athena,” Gabriel chuckled.
“Oh, I will.” She eyed him, speculating, and raised an eyebrow before swallowing some of her pink drink. “That's what you had Joel do, isn't it?”
Ah, Gabriel thought. Here it comes. This was one of the things he’d managed to avoid his entire life. The obligatory “best friend wants to know your intentions” talk. Gabriel had never had any intentions, beyond making Joel his. He chewed his lower lip into his mouth, hoping this wouldn't be the moment when his lies started to unravel.
Gabriel sat. “Yes, I did tell him that. And he has.”
Silence.
Was she using his own trick against him? He wasn’t going to fall for it. He wasn’t going to talk himself into a hole with Joel's best friend.
More silence.
Athena smiled at him, sipping her drink.
Silence.
Silence.
“I like having him here. He’s meant to be here.”
Fuck! Shut up, Gabriel.
Silence.
“I mean, right now, it feels like this is where he’s meant to be. With me.”
Athena took another drink.
She finally spoke. “Do you know about his family?”
More than you would believe, Athena, more than you would fucking believe.
“He’s told me some things,” Gabriel hedged.
“His dad died when he was little–still in elementary school. His mom remarried an awful shit-bag named Thomas. I mean, from what I’ve heard, they’re both real pieces of work, but Thomas was far worse than Joel's mom. As soon as this Thomas guy started to suspect Joel was gay, he did… Well, he did and said some horrible things.”
Did?
“It’s not my place to say. If he hasn’t told you.”
Gabriel hadn't meant to speak his thoughts out loud. His face paled, and his eyes emptied of every emotion except rage. Gabriel would fucking murder his brother if he had physically hurt Joel. He pressed his hand against his breastbone, trying to rub away the pain.
“He’s told me some things,” Gabriel repeated in a mutter, trying to find the truth of Athena’s half-confession in her eyes, but she was locked up tighter than Fort Knox.
“Don’t you fucking hurt him, Gabriel.” Athena stared at him and took another sip of her drink before she continued, “He’s my best friend, and he’s the most pure and kind-hearted person I’ve ever fucking known. He’s locked up tight because of all the shit he's been through. He's never dated anyone seriously and he doesn’t have any other friends besides me. He doesn’t let people in, Gabriel. He doesn’t let them close. And I watched the way you touch him, and how he lets you. The way he leans his weight toward you when you come into the room. I’ve seen all this, and I'm fucking ecstatic for him, but you worry me, handsome stranger, because you are too good to be true. So let me put my cards on the table: I want Joel to be happy no matter what, and if it means you fucking him until he can't walk straight, then I am all for it. But Gabriel, I swear to God I will fucking come for you if you break Joel's heart or hurt him in any way he doesn't ask to be hurt. Do you understand me?”
Athena leaned forward and set her empty glass on the coffee table.
Gabriel stared at her, nodding his head. “I...” he stopped, snapping his mouth closed. The words were there, but they shouldn’t touch her ears before Joel's.
“I know, handsome stranger. I can see it in your face.” Athena offered him a slight smile, patted his knee, and stood up. She swept her hair up into a messy bun and smiled wider. “As long as we understand each other, then?”
Gabriel nodded. Athena nodded back.
“Good.” She stepped out of the living room and Gabriel heard her speak again.
“Baby J, what's for dinner? This better be organic with all the money your handsome stranger has. He’s treating you well, right?”
Gabriel was frozen on the couch, shocked that he’d almost verbalized his feelings, and utterly relieved that he hadn’t needed to lie to her. Athena looked over her shoulder and locked eyes with him.
“You buy organic, Gabriel?”
He nodded.
“You were eating a fucking mystery meat hot dog the night I met you, Theenie. Fucking relax.” Joel's teasing voice broke Gabriel from his trance and he shook his head, standing up to collect Athena's empty glass from the table.
“It’s organic,” Gabriel confirmed, sitting down at the head of the table so he could see into the kitchen. “I’ll always do whatever is best for Joel. Letting him stay here, buying organic, whatever he needs, he’ll have.”
Joel's head snapped around, knife frozen mid-slice. His eyes searched out Gabriel's, who suddenly couldn’t meet his stare. He finally looked up, forcing a smile. Joel returned it, sincerely, wide and… so full of hope and trust. The guilt of withholding these secrets was going to eat Gabriel alive.
***
“Bye, Athena. Bye, Donny!” Joel closed the front door then padded back into the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around Gabriel's waist as he did dishes at the sink.
“Thank you,” he murmured against Gabriel's back, resting his cheek against Gabriel's spine.
“You don’t need to thank me. I should thank you for sharing your life with me like this.” Gabriel turned off the water, then swiveled so he could wrap his arms around Joel. He kissed the top of Joel's head.
“Gabriel, can we talk?” Joel stepped back, putting distance between them.
Gabriel froze. Fuck, was this it? What had Athena said to him? Gabriel did his best to maintain a casual look on his face. He nodded as Joel tugged him over to the couch in the living area. They both sat and Joel turned to face Gabriel with as serious a face as Gabriel had ever seen on him. Joel radiated tension. Gabriel could see it in the way Joel sat and the way he hunched his shoulders. The poor kid was a live wire about to go off.
“Gabriel, I hate to do this, but could I maybe borrow some money for a new phone?” Joel blurted and Gabriel relaxed as he barked out a laugh.
“Money? You only want money?” His laugh continued, sounding relieved and light. “You can have all my money if you ask, Joel. Of course I’ll give you enough for a new phone.” Gabriel leaned his head back against the cushions, pulling Joel with him.
“I don’t want to take it from you, I want a loan,” Joel clarified, allowing himself to settle against Gabriel's chest. “I’ll pay you back. I need a working phone in case my landlord tries to get in touch with me about when I can move back in. And I need to go over and get some more clothes and stuff, so I need to make sure it's okay.”
You can stay here.
You don’t need to go back there.
Your favorite shirt is hanging up in the closet.
Just be with me.
“Anything you need, Joel.”
“I can’t thank you enough, Gabriel. For everything. It’s more than the money, and letting me stay here open-ended, the way you have. I feel, I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I can be myself around you. I feel light. That’s stupid. I’m stupid.” Joel went quiet and tried to bury his head into Gabriel's armpit, but Gabriel pulled him free and arranged him so he could see Joel's eyes.
God, Joel had amazing eyes. They were blue. So blue. Not ocean blue, and not glacier blue. Not the blue after a storm. Just blue. Perfectly blue. And that mop of dyed red hair on top of his head made his skin look white as snow.
“You’re not stupid. You’re fucking beautiful.” Gabriel was honest with his words, and Joel sucked in a breath. “I love that you can be this way with me. That you want to be this way with me. I want it for you, and selfishly, I want it for me, too.” Gabriel pressed his lips to Joel's forehead.
They sat on the couch, unmoving except for their breathing. Gabriel rested his head on Joel's shoulder, inhaling his smell.
“Gabriel, I…” Joel stopped, searching for the words, and Gabriel looked at him. “I haven’t done this before. I’ve been alone.”
Because of me.
“I haven’t really dated anyone.”
Because of me.
“I’ve never felt like anyone cared about me, until you. But now I don’t want to be alone anymore. Because of you.”
Because of me.
Because of me.
The words rattled around in Gabriel's mind. He didn’t feel like he deserved the praise. He’d spent so long waiting for this moment and it didn’t taste as sweet as he’d imagined it would. He didn’t want Joel here because he had to be. He wanted Joel here because he wanted to be in Gabriel’s home, and arms, and bed. He opened his mouth to confess, but was stopped by Joel’s warm lips pressing against his.
It was a delicate kiss. It tasted like trust and home.
Gabriel forced his lies into the back of his mind and held Joel's face in his hands, returning the kiss with as much conviction as he could muster.
“Gabriel, take me to bed,” Joel whispered into his open mouth.
“Anything you want, Little Red. Anything you want.”