Chapter Fifteen
Alicia
I watched a man let go the following Monday morning. I watched a man grow beyond what I think even he probably believed he was capable of, allowing his daughter to go and experience something that clearly put him out of his comfort zone, but doing it anyway. Gray showed a bravery I’d never seen before and despite not wanting to get involved I supported Jolene’s proposal, but not just because of what she’d told me about Laura and her niece but because of what I’d seen from Laura myself. The little girl was changing and I had no idea if that had mostly to do with me playing piano for her or something else, but whatever it was awoke something inside her. It was something I couldn’t control and I think Gray understood he couldn’t either. He had to let her go.
He had to let her live.
He asked me to join him during his tour of the school with Laura, something I happily did and would do several times over. Laura went in with the understanding that she wouldn’t start that day or any day for that matter unless she was comfortable, something Gray emphasized ten times over her and that had only been on the early morning truck ride over to the school, well before many were up and attending their day. Jolene had arranged that, the kindest spirit and someone I truly did have a good feeling about. Some people one just knew had a genuine earnest want to help others.
And who wouldn’t want to help that sweet girl after meeting her.
She went in with a bravery that was only trumped by her father, the man by her side as she held his hand and took in her potential new environment. Mayfield Elementary wasn’t quite like the prep schools I grew up in with its fancy gadgetry and modern halls but something about all schools was they shared the same feel about them, the air the same and filled with a similar life, which told of youth. They had the construction paper hand cut outs and the bubbly letters displayed above them made up of cartoon figures and alphabet letters. They had the smiling faces of school children who showed merit or partook in group projects. The schools said kids learned there, thrived there and in the end that was all that mattered.
Laura’s experience at the school itself would be different than the students who made their mark on those school walls, but hopefully only in the beginning during her initial transition into the new environment. She was going to be given an individualized learning program, which consisted of one-on-one teaching and limited immersion into group settings as both herself and her instructor saw fit. I think that set Gray at ease a little more but nothing about the experience itself would be easy for him. If anything, this whole experience would be harder for him than it ever would be for his daughter.
I knew when it was time to finally let her go.
Laura had given no indicator of anxiety or displeasure during her tour, but what I think made the final decision for her to attend that day had been her clear excitement while she strode those halls and saw those children on the walls. There was an actual skip to her step while she walked hand in hand with Gray and when she saw the pictures of other children she actually reached out to touch them. This had made me smile and even though Gray had as well it hadn’t nearly touched his eyes.
I’d say not at all.
“You have your instructor call me the minute you don’t feel good or something feels wrong, okay?” he said to her, his hands on her shoulders as he knelt down in front of her. He’d been letting her go for a few moments, reassuring her.
He pushed his hand over her hair. He styled it in two braids today, which I helped him with. She looked so pretty.
He smiled at her. “I’m not far away, kid, but even if I was I’d move mountains.”
No truer words said and I saw that in his eyes. I bet he would move mountains if he actually could.
I wondered if he’d done so in the past.
I glanced away, giving the two their moment but I looked at them again when Laura forced her arms around Gray, her hold tight and steadfast. I had never actually seen her initiate a hug between them before or really Gray hug her. He’d pick her up or hold her hand but no hugs.
Well, they were hugging now.
It was a hug that, yes, she gave him, but it didn’t read of fear. I’d seen fear in her. No, this was different.
This was her letting him go.
I think the hug in itself shocked Gray, but it seemed to be exactly what he needed as he relaxed and returned his child’s embrace. He kissed her cheek, cupping it before standing back and I think I was so lost in their moment that I almost missed mine. I’d been here, but this wasn’t my moment.
But she was making it mine too.
Laura came over to me and I didn’t know what she wanted at first. It was only after she opened her arms, wanting a hug too that I broke it down.
I wanted to break down.
I didn’t though, holding her tight.
“You’ll be okay,” I whispered to her but like Gray’s reassuring words I think these were mine. I’d be okay.
I’d be okay if she would.
I heard Gray’s voice what seemed like only moments later, but it couldn’t have been.
We were driving now.
“I want to take you somewhere,” he said to me, my thoughts lost in a sea of emotions. They were lost reminiscing on moments I probably shouldn’t let alone should keep. I shouldn’t keep them because they weren’t meant for me, this place not mine and neither was this man beside me.
A wash of dissipated clouds casted my way in the form of Gray’s eyes, the ocean inside them settled and the usual storm behind them at bay. Gray had his hands on the steering wheel of his truck, watching me with a light in his eyes that eerily peaked of calm, peace. He should be careful with that.
He might grow to love it.
Dampening his lips, he faced the road.
“That is if you don’t mind,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to take you here for a while.”
A curiosity filled me but something more lingered just behind that. It was something that made me warm, something that made me calm.
Sitting back, I trusted him and this journey. We didn’t drive for long after what he said but it did seem as if he was taking me out to the middle of nowhere. I hadn’t seen buildings for a while, only country.
And then that.
The country so familiar turned to fencing, rolling meadows of prairie grass both kept and carefree. The only outlier was what occupied that land.
The various grays and stone of tombstones filled my vision and before I could fully get a grasp on what that meant, Gray had stopped, putting his truck into park. He got out without another thought, and when I turned, he was reaching for something in the bed of his truck. I noticed it to be a toolbox and, by then, I’d been so confused. I figured there was a reason so I turned, unbuckling. He opened the door before I could get out and had something so beautiful in his hands.
The roses could thrive in the worst light, their drive for life full and plentiful. He had dozens, looking fresh and wild with leaves of bright green as if cut fresh from a bush outside. He had them wrapped well in a thick towel, which protected from thorns.
He lifted them, staring at those vibrant petals.
“You’ll need these,” he said, handing them to me.
And then he gave me his hand.
He gave it without reprieve, unabashed, and roses cradled, I let him fold his thick fingers around mine, helping me out of the truck into a meadow of gravestones.
He took me for a walk through the paths, something definitely different. My questions tapered down only by sheer curiosity. Gray didn’t do things like this. He never put himself out there or did anything out of the ordinary. If anything he was too ordinary, too safe.
Pulling me closer, he brought me in front of him and I realized right away this journey did not go without intent. He very much had a reason for bringing me here and that surrounded the life of a woman named Josephine.
Her grave may not have been one of the biggest or even the flashiest, but it had the cleanest script and the most polished marble one could see.
“I figured…” Gray started, his hand falling away from mine. “I figured since you weren’t at the funeral you might not have known about it, or maybe were too busy to…”
He shook his head out of that last thought, smiling at me with just his eyes and in a way that made my tummy dance. It made everything dance.
“Whatever the reason you weren’t there I figured you’d want to at least see, visit with her sometime while you were here.”
He’d been the first to offer such a thing and he was right. I didn’t know about my aunt’s funeral. I hadn’t known about her death at all until several weeks later, and by then, her passing had been that of an afterthought. No one cared to tell me how she was in her last moments or even if she suffered prior. I was just the long-lost niece that a woman, however so kind, thought to think of when drawing out her will.
I stepped forward, chilled by the moment. I hadn’t known what to do, the reality of where I was at and what was happening heavy upon me.
But I guess I didn’t have to do it alone.
Gray came up behind me, his heat close but never close enough. He kept his distance, but I could feel him, his width seeping through me.
“Do you want me to leave?”
I shook my head.
So he stayed, touching the back of my arm and telling me things about her. He admitted he’d been the one to find her. He’d been doing work for her that day and she hadn’t answered the door. My heart hurt that it’d been him, but was very grateful that of all people it was. She seemed to care about him and he definitely cared about her.
“She was good to us, Alicia,” he said, soft behind me. “A good woman and her funeral was beautiful. The community made sure of that. I made sure of that.”
I wondered how much of a part he did play in all that. I bet as much as he could, as much as others would let him with him not being family.
Holding out the roses, I set them down, squatting ahead.
“Did she suffer?” I asked, looking up at him.
His jaw moved, his gaze shifting to the tombstone. “I don’t think so. She never complained of anything before. Her body just gave out. It happened in her sleep.”
I did know that, told by the people who ultimately found me.
Standing, I moved back and dared to stand back into him. He let me, his hands on my forearms. We never talked about our kiss the other day or even how he held me softly just yesterday. We never talked about why he let me be a part of letting go of his daughter today or even what led to this moment we currently experienced. We just did and I thought that’s all we needed to do.
It just made sense for us.
“Laura used to spend a lot of time here,” he said behind me, his hands warming my arms in wonderful ways. He squeezed. “I’m happy to say she doesn’t anymore. I think she understands now. She understands and accepts.”
I closed my eyes, falling back into the thoughts of how this would be for her, the little girl already experiencing so much in her life with her mom leaving. But he said she didn’t visit now. Things were different now.
I turned, letting him know I was ready.
I was ready to go home.
We didn’t do much talking on the way, not unlike how it’d been on the way out there, but something had changed, the tone of the world a little bit different. I didn’t know what it was until Gray opened my door and I got out of the truck, but the moment I was in this man’s arms again I deciphered it fully.
Gratitude.
Gray’s broad body stiffened, his arms slack like he hadn’t known what to do or how to receive the embrace I bestowed on him. He’d done the same with Laura not long before, surprised, and it made me sad that he didn’t get many hugs. He deserved to be hugged.
He deserved to be loved.
I was showing him that, my love for him in our embrace and his hands slow, they moved into that warmth around him, his hold tight once I had it.
“Thank you for taking me to her,” I said to him and he pulled a piece of my hair back when he brushed his fingers along my cheek.
“You have no idea my thanks for you,” he said and might have done more if not for the streetlights.
Gray’s hold went stiff on me again at the many cars that pulled in front of my house, but as one struck me as familiar I noticed his hold loosen. He must have recognized her too.
Ava’s old beater was comfortable almost as much as her laid-back style, her smile wide. She was hanging out the side of her window, grinning from ear to ear at me.
“Join us for a good time at the lake?” she asked, laying her arms on her open window. “We’ll provide the drinks if you provide the lake.”
Letting loose in the middle of the day wasn’t something I always did.
Maybe that’s why I chose to do it in the end.