My mom stands in the doorway watching Noah and Elle comfort each other. Her stance mimics the way Elle was standing earlier. She and my mother are clones of each other. We may be identical twins, Elle and I, but we’re nothing alike. From early on, I favored our father, while Elle took after our mother, or so we’ve been told. Elle was the cheerleader in high school. I preferred football, choosing to stand on the sidelines until I joined the school paper. She liked to dress up, making sure her clothes were perfect. I didn’t care as long as I was comfortable. The one thing that’s the same, well was until now, is our hair. Neither of us has cut it without the other doing the same, and we’ve never dyed it.

Elle and I changed when we went away to college. I started dressing more like her, while she took on the grunge rocker look. I had never seen my sister wear flannel before until she moved to Los Angeles. Now she owns combat boots, nylons with holes and wears black nail polish. Our dad calls it a phase.

“Noah… Elle… may I have a few moments with Peyton?”

My sister removes herself from Noah’s lap and goes to our mom. They hug each other and by the shaking of Elle’s shoulders, I’m assuming she’s crying. My attention is on Noah though. He clears his throat before standing. He hovers over me, his thumb brushing lightly along my forehead and finally, he leans down to kiss me. I wish I could feel him. Feel the warmth of his lips against my tepid skin. I try to move my arms, wiggle my fingers, open my eyes and even grunt, but no amount of straining produces the results I’m seeking. Noah seems to be the only one who hasn’t given up on me.

Is that a sign that I’m supposed to find my way out of here? Have I been lingering in this ‘in between’ because I’m waiting for something more meaningful to show me that I need to leave this realm? Everyone except for Noah is hell bent on saying goodbye to me. He’s the only one refusing to give up. Why is that? Since when do we not pray or have hope?

Noah stops and gives my mother a hug. She’s short and has to stand on her tippy toes to get her arms around his broad shoulders. I’m jealous that she and Elle get to hug him and I can’t. I’d give anything to feel his arms around me, at least one more time.

Mom waits until Noah and Elle are out of sight before she comes in and sits down. She picks up my hand and holds it to her face. The ring that my dad gave her when our adoptions were final doesn’t sparkle inside this drab room. It’s almost as if the ring has died a bit because I’m in here. I remember, after he gave it to her, I used to try it on. It’s always been my favorite piece of jewelry and I think it’s because it represents my family.

“My sweet baby girl,” she whispers against the back of my hand. I’d give anything to tell her how much I love her, to make sure she knows she is the best mother I could’ve asked for, but I can’t, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance.

I vaguely remember speaking to her yesterday. Or was it the day before? My memory before the accident is fuzzy. Did I interrupt her time with my aunts? Would she have told me if I did? No, I can’t imagine she would’ve. My mom has always put Elle, Quinn and I first, over my dad and the band. Even though I can’t remember my conversation with her, I’m telling myself that she was happy for me. I hope I told her I love her and miss her.

I wish she had come to visit me instead. If she did, maybe I wouldn’t be here right now. There is no way I would miss time with my mom to go out to dinner with a handsome quarterback, although she probably would’ve encouraged me to.

“There are so many things I want to say to you, Peyton, but I don’t know where to start. I hope you know that you have been the best daughter. You remind me so much of your father. I see him in your eyes, your smile and the way you command a room when you walk in. You’ve always been noticeable, even when you thought Elle was stealing the spotlight.”

“That’s because she was,” I blurt out. Elle has always had an indescribable air about her. When she walked into a room, people flocked to her. We were both popular in school, but Elle seemed to hold herself higher than I did. I suppose there isn’t anything wrong with being that way.

“When you see--”

A gut-wrenching sob takes over my mom’s voice. Her head falls to my leg as she cries. I’m there to comfort her, wishing with all my might she could feel my hand rubbing through her hair. I rest my body on top of hers, holding her as tightly as I can. “It’ll be okay, Mama.” But I’m not sure I even believe what I’m saying.

She cries louder, hiccupping and muttering words that I can’t make out. In a flash, she’s out of my arms and being held by my dad. It’s as if he knew she needed him. He’s always known. He sits on the floor with her on his lap, holding her to his chest as he rocks her back and forth.

“I know it hurts, baby. Our girl is strong though, we have to have a little hope.”

“She’s so cold, Harrison.”

“I can feel her slipping away from me,” Elle says, causing my mom to cry louder. I glance at the door to find my sister and Quinn. They both descend on our parents, arms all tangled within a tight circle, one that I’m not a part of. “I haven’t felt right since before we got the call. And now I’m starting to feel numb in certain places.” The freaky twin connection is real, at least it is between us. We can sense things about each other. It’s weird and most of the time I don’t like it.

I especially didn’t like it the morning after Noah and I… well, the morning after prom. Elle knew something had happened and even though I smiled and acted like nothing was amiss, she hounded me for days, wanting to know why she felt odd. When she lost her virginity, I didn’t have to say anything because she told me about it. Every. Last. Detail. We’re sisters. We share. Except when we don’t. Any and everything I feel about Noah is off limits. As far as Elle and the rest of my family is concerned, Noah’s my best friend. To me, he’s the man I’m desperately in love with.

Being in love with Noah is difficult. It’s like chasing a butterfly without a net. He’s there, looking catchable and when I think I can get close enough, he flutters away and is out of reach. I know being with him is a stupid fantasy, but part of me wishes it’d come true. And now it’s probably too late.

Quinn starts humming. The sound is soothing. Not only to me but our mother as well. She finally stands with the help of our dad and returns to the chair that seems to be glued to the floor next to my bed. He stands behind her with his hands resting on her shoulders and his eyes staring down at me. Elle and Quinn are on the other side of my bed. She holds my hand, while his hand rests on my leg.

I’m at the end of my bed, wondering if this is my moment. Is Elle right? Can she feel me dying? I don’t feel any different now then I have since I’ve been here.

“How’s our girl?” Jenna the nurse walks in and immediately squeezes by Quinn and Elle to access the machines I’m plugged into. She pushes a few buttons, writes notes in my chart, and studies the printout, which spits out of one the monitors. I stand next to her, trying to decipher whatever it is she’s looking at. “No change,” she mumbles.

That’s good, right?

I look at my family with an expectant smile, but either they didn’t hear her or they don’t believe her.

“You’re a fighter.” My nurse brushes my hair. “If you’d like, I can redress her wounds.” Mom nods and Dad helps her out of the chair. My siblings follow, leaving me alone with Jenna. “You have a lot of family waiting for you out in the waiting room. I can’t imagine they’ll leave here tonight, not knowing… just like I’m not leaving. I know I said I would once your mom arrived, but I can’t.”

Jenna cleans and redresses the wound on my scalp before she pulls the blankets down that have been keeping my chest hidden from everyone.

“You’ll have a scar,” she says this as if it’s something I don’t already know. “But surviving what you did… well, I think you’d be okay with it like this.”

Once she has it cleaned and covered my wounds, she dresses me in a new nightgown. It’s my second one, and I haven’t been here very long.

“I’ve watched your family. They love you. Your dad pulled a lot of strings to make sure everyone was allowed in the waiting room. Everyone out there is waiting for you to wake up, for you to defy what the doctors say. What a miracle you’d be.”

Once I’m dressed, she pulls the blankets back up and makes sure the wires protruding from my body aren’t constricted in any way. I sit, crossed legged on the bed, watching her care for me as if she’s known me her whole life and not hours. I hope that I get the chance to thank her… if I remember any of this when I wake.

“All the nurses are going crazy because of your family. Who knew you were rock star royalty? I think more nurses are pulling overtime so they can sit and stare at your dad and uncles. What was it like growing up with them?”

“The best.” It’s true. Many think that we’re spoiled, Noah, Quinn, Elle and I, even Eden and Paige. It’s so far from the truth. Sure, our mothers could’ve sent us to private school. We could’ve been chauffeured around like brats. Had a maid service, landscapers, everything else our peers have, but our parents refused to let money dictate our lives. Quinn and Noah mowed lawns. I worked at an ice cream shop until I graduated. Elle worked at the mall. I don’t know much about what Eden does, aside from the surfing career she’s building, because she lives in California, and Betty Paige… well, she’s still too young to work.

I look at some of my friends in the entertainment circle and realize that they had everything handed to them. They don’t know the value of hard work or what it’s like to earn money from doing a job. Sure, we have our trust funds, but that doesn’t mean we’re idly waiting for the day to come so we can cash them in.

“The young man you were with. He’s been asking about you, but is afraid to come see you,” she says as her hands brush down over the blanket, tucking me in.

“It’s because of his lawyer. I was there, listening to them talk. I’d like to see Kyle. He seemed really nice and I was excited for dinner.”

“Maybe your parents will let him in.”

“Let who in?”

I turn to find my dad stepping into my room. He stands at the end of my bed and rests his hands on the edge. “Who do we need to let in?” he asks again.

Jenna clears her throat. “The man she was in the car with. He’d like to see her.”

Dad nods but otherwise, doesn’t say anything. If I could tell him that Kyle isn’t at fault, maybe I could see him, but the expression on my dad’s face tells me otherwise. I’m willing to bet Kyle is being blamed for everything.

I go to my dad and hug him, even though he can’t wrap his arms around me. The drumsticks he always carries around are in his pocket and while they would normally jab me in the stomach. I can’t feel anything.

Maybe my time is up and I’m delaying the inevitable. The doctor did say I wouldn’t make it through the night, and well, it’s night.