I was seconds away from exiting my car when the phone rang, making me pause and check the caller ID. It was an out-of-area number, the screen reading “New York,” but I had no idea who it was. I didn’t know anyone from New York, so I sat there and waited for the ringing to end. Then I waited even longer for the familiar alert, notifying me of a new voicemail.

“This message is for Janelle Brewer. My name is Samantha Verdurmen, and I’m with the Reality Bites production team on the show you participated in, Soul Mates. We have been trying to follow up with you and Connor Murphy to get an update on your progress. Please give me a call back so we can catch up. Thank you.” Then she spouted off the same number that had been displayed on my caller ID before disconnecting the call.

I certainly wouldn’t be able to outrun the situation, and at some point, I’d have to answer a phone call and provide answers—either to the show or Connor. But I wasn’t ready just yet. It’d only been a little over a week since Holden and I had started…whatever this was between us, and I had no idea where things stood. I figured I’d give it a little bit longer before deciding my next step. I’d gotten the feeling from Holden that he wanted more with me, which I wanted as well, but I also had to think about the money and what part that played in my future.

I deleted the message and climbed from the car outside Holden’s office. My heart pounded harsher with each step I took, and as soon as I opened the door to head inside, I thought I might vomit all over myself. My nerves had absolutely nothing to do with seeing Holden and everything to do with the chances of running into my brother. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself it was fine, I still didn’t believe it. Maybe because I wasn’t simply there to drop lunch off for my roommate and friend who’d left it at home on his way out. I was convinced Matt would take one look at me and know I’d slept with Holden.

A lot.

Like I somehow had it written all over my face in black permanent marker: Your best friend has given me countless orgasms.

And then beneath that in smaller letters: with his hands, his mouth, and his very large and impressive cock.

All I wanted to do was slip in and slip back out, unseen, absolutely no attention brought to me, whatsoever. Yet I should’ve known that was an impossibility. Ever since Holden had called me this morning, asking me to bring him the lunch he’d forgotten in the fridge, my stomach had been in knots and my heart refused to beat a normal rhythm. I’d told him this was a bad idea, but he swore nothing would go wrong. He promised there wouldn’t be any issues.

It seemed he’d forgotten about the hot lesbian who sat at the desk by the front door.

“Good morning, Janelle. What are you doing here? Come to see your brother or…Holden?” The way she quirked her eyebrow and taunted me with his name rubbed me the wrong way. She hadn’t meant it maliciously, but like she’d been privy to more than she was supposed to. And if that were the case, I’d kick Holden’s ass.

I held up the brown bag and smiled. “Holden left his lunch, so he asked me to bring it up to him.”

“I’m surprised he’s even thinking of food so soon after breakfast.”

I knew if I waited around too long, I’d run the risk of seeing Matthew, and I couldn’t chance that. Instead of continuing a conversation with Veronica, I scurried down the hall toward Holden’s office. Not wasting a single moment, I grabbed the handle and turned it.

Like a ninja, I opened the door just enough to squeeze through, and once I made it inside, I closed it behind me. Leaning against the solid wood, I closed my eyes to take a moment, needing to calm my racing heart before greeting Holden. And it was a good thing I gave my heart that time to settle, because as soon as I opened my eyes, I noticed my brother standing in front of me. In Holden’s office.

“Is everything all right?” he asked, appearing concerned.

“Yeah…everything’s great. Just came to bring my friend here his lunch.” Just like with Veronica a minute ago, I held up the bag, as if I needed the evidence to prove it wasn’t a lie. “He left it at home and called to see if I could drop it off.”

Matt turned to Holden and laughed. “How the hell are you still thinking about food after the breakfast you had? No wonder you’re gaining weight.”

This was the second time I’d heard someone comment about his hunger, referencing breakfast. The only thing I could think of was he’d gone out to eat before work, but he’d made no mention of that when he left the house this morning, or when he called to ask me to come up here. “Breakfast?”

Matt shook his head and moved toward me, heading for the door. “You didn’t eat with him?”

“No. She didn’t get out of bed.” Holden’s voice held an air of humor, but I didn’t understand.

“What’d you eat?”

His eyes lit up and the corners of his mouth fought against a smile when he said, “Breakfast of champions. Really kick-started my day.”

Matt opened the door and laughed. “Yeah, some vegetarian omelet. Doesn’t sound like anything I’d like. I prefer meat with my eggs.” And with that, he left the office and let the door swing closed behind him.

As soon as we were alone, I crossed the room and chucked his lunch at his head. My face flamed with untamable heat, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hide under his desk and never be seen in this office again, or beat the shit out of him.

“It’s not funny, Holden,” I scolded him when he couldn’t stop laughing. “You told my brother and Veronica that you had a vegetarian omelet? While I was in bed? What if one of them would’ve guessed what you meant?”

“I didn’t tell that to Ronnie. She probably would’ve known.”

“You told Matt!” I collapsed into one of the chairs across from his desk. “See if I ever let you go down on me again. This is so embarrassing.”

He got out of his chair and came around the desk to lean against the edge in front of me. “He didn’t figure it out.”

“Are you sure?”

He snickered again, and it made me stand up, thinking my small frame would do anything to intimidate him. Somehow, two seconds later, he had us turned around so that I sat on the edge of his desk and he stood between my legs.

“Baby…your brother just said he likes meat in his omelets. I think that’s enough proof that he has no clue what I’m talking about.” He’d taken to terms of endearment more often now, but so far, it seemed restricted to the bedroom or during times like this when being condescending toward me. “Trust me when I say, he has no idea I was talking about eating your pussy.”

I swallowed hard and fought to close my legs, needing to clench my thighs together to ease the ache in my throbbing clit, but he wouldn’t move out of the way. Instead, he leaned into me, pushing me farther onto his desk, and bringing his mouth close to my ear.

“It was so good, I think I may want it again for lunch.”

“It’s not noon yet,” I argued breathlessly.

“Brunch then. I need to taste you on my tongue. I need to have your legs over my shoulders and your fingers in my hair.” His hot breath brushed my neck just below my ear, heating me up until I was about to explode. “I can’t get enough of you, Janelle.”

Just then, he slipped his hand between us and pressed his thumb against my clit through my jeans. Out of sheer desperation to ease the need he’d created, I allowed him to touch me, completely forgetting about where we were. Until the intercom on his phone came to life with Veronica telling him about some fax that waited on her desk.

I tried to shove at his shoulders, but it was no use. He wouldn’t budge. “Holden, you have to stop.”

“Why?”

“We’re in your office, where my brother or anyone can walk in.”

“Then you should probably make it fast.”

“Why in the hell do you like to get me off so much?” And he did. There were times he’d touch me just to bring me to orgasm and then he’d leave. “How does this do anything for you?”

With his lips hovering over mine, grazing them as he spoke, he said, “It does everything for me. Your cheeks turn pink and your eyelids grow heavy. Your mouth parts just enough to show me you’re breathing too hard for your nose to keep up. Then there’s the sounds you make. The soft purrs and low hums. The way you whimper at the height of your orgasm…it does everything for me.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. It once again had me all turned around. Conversations like this convinced me he wanted things to be more serious between us, but then he’d go and make a random comment about Connor and the money. He shared his bed with me every night while we slept naked, tangled in each other until morning. I wanted to ask him, but I also needed to make sure that when we did talk about it, I knew for certain what my decision would be. My biggest concern was choosing him, only for it to all blow up in my face. I couldn’t handle the kind of devastation that would bring—not only for my family, but for my heart, as well.

He closed his lips over mine, effectively silencing the thoughts from my head.

“Let me see you come,” he whispered, and a second later, he had me incapable of choosing an intellectual response. The heat ran through me, and he swallowed every whimper I gave him. But he didn’t let up, and I rode the wave, completely coming undone on top of his desk.

After the last tremor subsided, I reached for his belt buckle. “Now it’s your turn.” But before I could get it undone, he side-stepped out of the way. “That’s unfair. Why do you get to do that to me but I can’t do it to you?”

His smile lit up his face and I almost became lost in it. “Because I’m at work.”

I snarled at him, sliding off the edge of the desk. “Fine. Have it your way.”

“See you at home, honey.” His laughter followed me all the way out the door. I tossed a wave over my shoulder when I passed by Veronica’s desk, not wanting to chance a conversation with her. Not because I didn’t want to talk to her, but because I didn’t want to risk running into my brother—especially after what Holden had just done to me on his desk.

I hurried to my car, not taking a full breath of air until I was behind the wheel with the ignition on. However, seconds before I shifted the car into reverse, my phone buzzed, alerting me to a new text message. I quickly checked the screen, seeing Connor’s name, and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. There was nothing in the world worse than being intimate in any way with Holden, and then receiving a text or call from the man I was supposed to leave him for.

It worried me how easily I could get lost in Holden, and how quickly he could vanish from my life like he had before. But I figured if I started to fall for Holden, I would know the right thing to do to prevent a broken heart. However, I didn’t take into consideration how you aren’t even aware you’re falling until you’re on your way down, and by that point, you can’t do anything about it.

Connor: It’s been 2 months. Whens he gonna sign???

Me: In no more than four months. No matter how many times you ask me, it will be the same answer. You really need to calm down. They gave us a year to get married. We have plenty of time. I can’t do much more than what I already am.

Connor: Is he in love with you?

Me: I have no idea.

Connor: Are you in love with him?

My thumb hovered over the screen. I was unsure of which letters to touch, which words to create, or what answer was the most truthful. Unwilling to think about it much more, I tapped out my message and hit send.

Me: No.

And then I stared through the windshield at the front of his office building, taking in the name on the door: Brewer & York. I’d always been aware of the name of the partnership between him and Matthew. But for some reason, this was the first time I paid attention to the names and didn’t see Matt, didn’t see an accountant’s office.

I saw my name…next to Holden’s.

Guilt flooded me, and I wasn’t sure where it came from. I hadn’t done anything wrong. The original agreement was still in effect. Holden had known from the beginning what my plans were, and that they involved marrying Connor, so talking to Connor shouldn’t have left me wracked with guilt.

But it did.

And not only that, I’d just told him I wasn’t in love with Holden.

Confusion ate up the guilt and made me want to flee. Whether my message to Connor was true or not, it was none of Connor’s business. I wasn’t interested in analyzing the reasons why I’d responded with those two simple letters instead of three.

Connor: Then what are you waiting on?

Feeling beaten down and helpless, I unlocked my phone and sent him a reply.

Me: Give me a week. I think I have an idea.

Connor: I don’t have much choice do I?

It’d taken me long enough, but I finally began my apology tour. After licking my wounds, feeling sorry for myself after finding out how my entire family—including Holden—had excluded me from valuable information, I set out to make things right.

My first stop was Rachel. I figured I’d get the easy ones out of the way first. She used to be a teacher, but now she substituted when she was needed. With Kennedy at home, it made more sense for her to cut back the amount she worked without giving up on her dream of molding the youth of our future. I’d never admit it out loud, but she was definitely my favorite sister.

“You’re so cute, Jelly. You didn’t have to come over here to say you’re sorry for living your life. I always knew if I needed you, all I had to do was call. But I appreciate the gesture.” We hung out on her couch for about an hour while Kennedy napped, and then I left shortly after she woke up so Rachel could feed her lunch.

The next stop was to Nikki, because she was my second favorite sister—not that I’d ever admit that. As luck would have it, she was at Mom’s house for lunch, and I knew Mom would feed me. They both thought my apology was silly but entertained the conversation. Then they decided to discuss breast implants. When Mom started to talk about getting them, I figured it was time to make my exit.

Stacey worked as an at-home health nurse, taking care of an elderly man in his home a few evenings a week, so I went to her house before she had to leave. I made sure I pushed my visit as late as possible in case things went bad. Stacey and I had never really gotten along. We were eleven years apart, but our differences had nothing to do with age, and more to do with our personalities. She was a lot like our dad, whom I loved very much. I was definitely a daddy’s girl, but my age was probably why my dad and I were so close. I got what I wanted because I was the baby, not because we had much in common or spent a lot of quality time together. If that ever happened, I would be willing to bet I’d lose the title of being Dad’s favorite.

“I was jealous of you,” she admitted, nearly shocking the shit out of me. “You had a free ride to college where you basically partied it up. Even after you graduated, you did what you wanted. But at the same time, I was angry that you wanted to live that life instead of being an active participant in our family. I was hours away, too. Except I didn’t have that choice. I was married to a man with a job who didn’t have any desire to move closer. And there you were, no reason to stay away, but you did. So I guess it was an equal mix of envy and irritation.”

Not many words came to me after hearing her confession, but it sure did help make things clearer from her point of view. “I guess I still have some growing up to do. It kinda sucks when everyone is so much older—I could be the most mature person in a group my own age, but being around my family makes me look like an overindulged child. It’s hard to be mature when I feel like I’ll never be old enough for you guys to treat me as an equal.”

I must’ve finally gotten through to her, because her eyes softened and she huffed in resignation. “I’m so sorry, Janelle. I guess I never really saw it that way before.” She gave me a hug, which seemed to last forever. Once it was over, it was like we had nothing left to say, so before things could turn overly awkward, I said goodbye and left.

Christine was last, even though I spoke to her and Matt regularly. There wasn’t much to say other than the apology for being absent when they’d needed me the most. That took all of ten seconds, considering I’d already said it countless times before. And once we got that out of the way, I hung out on her couch with her and helped fold laundry.

With my day complete, I headed home to make Holden dinner.

Then I realized I’d referred to his house as my home. And I had actually looked forward to cooking him supper. Once again, guilt ate at me over the reply I’d sent Connor, when asked if I was in love with Holden. And once again, I pushed it to the back of my mind, refusing to give it credence until I grew more certain about what the future had in store for us.

I stared at the halos on the ceiling, created by the lampshade on top of his nightstand, while his fingertips danced delicately along my bare skin. “Are you not worried at all about this? About what could happen between us in four months when our time is up?”

“What do you mean?”

I turned my head and met his dark eyes. “There’s no question anymore about where we’re sleeping. We eat dinner, clean the kitchen, watch a little TV, and then we both stroll in here, strip naked, and then climb into bed. We’ve gotten really comfortable with each other, and as much as I enjoy it, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t concern me.”

“Then talk to me. What about our situation concerns you?”

I pushed down the urge to sweep everything under the rug again. I didn’t want to be the one who had to say this out loud, but it didn’t seem like I had much of a choice. However, I couldn’t look him in the eye, so I averted my gaze back to the glow on the ceiling cast by the lamp next to him. “How is this supposed to end? Like…do we just shake hands? Hug? See each other on weekends and act like we didn’t spend months in some fake relationship?”

He shifted onto his elbow and hovered over me. The tips of his free hand grazed my side on its way to hold my face. “It doesn’t have to end, Janelle. This…what we agreed to at the beginning, doesn’t have to be the way it all plays out.”

“Then how does this play out? Because I’ll be honest with you, Holden…the thought of forfeiting that money and choosing you, only for us to not work out, scares the shit out of me. Because then I’ll have nothing. And I can’t accept that.”

“You won’t end up with nothing. I can promise you that. But if it’ll make you feel better, we can figure out an alternative plan. You said the show gave you a year to marry the toolbag? Let’s go with that then. Forget the six-month agreement we made and base it all off the deal you made for the money. I wanted you to stay here so you could patch things up with your family, and from what I can see, you’ve done that.”

“But that still doesn’t answer my question about us. If we break up, it’ll make things difficult with my family, with my brother, with us.”

“Then we don’t tell them. We can keep this between us for as long as you want or until they figure it out. That way, it’ll buy you time to see how you feel about this. About me and us. And no matter what happens, I’ll never erase you from my life.”

“Why not?”

He lowered his lips to mine and breathed, “Because I need you,” against them.

If I had a switch that took me from zero to sixty in a millisecond, he flipped it with those three words—I need you. I bent my legs on either side of him and dug my heels into the mattress just enough to feel him where I needed him most. And that must’ve been his switch, because without wasting a single second, he covered my mouth with his and dug his fingers into my hip.

“Baby, I need you…now.”

I splayed my fingers across his bare back and said, “Then take me.”

For a moment, I thought this had to be a dream. I was convinced it wasn’t real. Not because the situation dripped with idealistic fairytale qualities, enough to ask for a pinch to tell if it was a figment of my imagination, but because it was so…raw. So…desperate.

His breathing became ragged when he found my entrance. Considering the sensual way my body responded when he’d kissed me, I knew he felt how wet I was for him. Holden seemed to be teetering on the edge of control. His face etched with desire and his eyes half closed in bliss. He thrust inside me feverishly, as if his life depended on it, but I didn’t bother trying to slow it down. Truth be told, I craved him just as badly, and a part of me was happy I didn’t have to wait.

He slid inside me again, but he stayed fully seated this time, exhaling into the crook of my neck. The heat seeped into my pores and set my insides aflame. But nothing could’ve come close to what his next words did to me. He gently nipped my earlobe, and in a husky, needy voice, he whispered, “You’ll always be a part of me. Always. I’ll never be able to quit you.”

I dug my nails into his back and flexed my hips, urging him to move once again. At first, he rolled his hips in slow rotations, but then his momentum increased and became more intense. Not much faster than before, but harder. Deeper. He dragged his long, thick shaft almost the entire way out, leaving just the tip inside, before driving himself back in with enough force to knock the air from my lungs. All while never breaking the contact of his hungry stare.

He buried himself over and over, teasing the spot inside me that no one had ever found before. Not that I’d had many partners, but of the ones I did have, it’d remained undiscovered. Until Holden. He’d found it and continued to stroke it with each and every thrust.

“Don’t stop,” I begged, wrapping my arms and legs around him in an effort to drive him deeper, urging him to move faster, pushing me toward the explosion he’d sparked. “I need you…right there.”

He had one arm behind my back and one holding my hip. In a swift move I didn’t expect, he maneuvered his arm up just enough to wrap his fingers around my shoulder to keep me from sliding up the bed every time he propelled himself inside me. He snaked his other arm under my leg, locking my bent knee in the crook of his elbow, and then he leaned slightly onto his side. It had to have been the combination of the angle and having developed more control over my body, but within a few seconds, I was ready to shatter and could no longer hold on.

A long, pleading whimper ripped through my throat as I lingered on the peak, and the second I fell over the precipice, gripping him with every muscle within my body, the whimper turned into a full-blown cry of ecstasy. Before I finished riding out the wave, his gruff words filled my ear. “I’m coming.” And they took me higher, prolonging my orgasm, and strengthening the hold I had on him.

The part I dreaded when being with Holden was when he rolled off me. Even though he remained inside me and we lay wrapped in a twisted knot of arms and legs, I hated not feeling his weight on top of me. Without him over me, the air cooled and I felt less protected.

Holden was more than my hero.

He was my cape—he could send me flying while cloaking me in refuge all at once.

And it made me even more worried about what would happen to me if it were suddenly taken away.