Kylie
The oversized green plush chair and pale green walls are all an attempt to make me relax. Fat chance therapy room, nothing else in the last decade has accomplished that. Your soothing ocean sounds playing through the speakers don’t stand a chance.
Three times I’ve stood to leave then remembered the look in Ben’s eyes when he saw my vision board. I’m not afraid of being judged. As a successful businesswoman, I’m constantly under the microscope—being dissected and often labeled. This is different. Ben is a good man who accepts almost everyone the way they are. He couldn’t accept what I showed him.
In the past I would have written him off and moved on. I’ve spent enough of my life trying to please my mother and failing; anything less than approval from anyone else just pisses me off. Except from Ben.
I want Ben’s approval because—I gulp down a breath—I love him.
I’m here to either figure my shit out or learn how to turn off the pain I haven’t been able to shake since Ben walked out of my apartment. If I thought being with him and being confused was bad, being without him is so, so much worse.
I cancel my meetings at work. I don’t take sick days, but I have no desire to go to my office. Tabby was worried enough that she offered to come over, but I assured her I would see a doctor—I just didn’t tell her which kind.
The door of the inner office opens. “Thank you so much for waiting.” I stand and shake the hand of a smartly dressed middle-aged woman with smooth shoulder-length hair. Her shake is firm. Her smile is welcoming but not presumptuous or overly friendly. She doesn’t make a move to sit until I do. Very professional. I’d expect no less; she’s a legend among the elite Boston crowd.
“I’m Dr. Brooklyn Medio. You can call me either Dr. Medio or Brooklyn. Whatever you’re comfortable with. What should I call you?”
“Kylie is fine. No use in formalities considering why I’m here.”
“Why are you here?”
I simply look at her. It’s a logical first question, but I’m still caught off guard. I haven’t fully articulated it to myself yet. It’s not like I can come right out and say, “I want to be a little less crazy, you know, the level of crazy that still allows people to love me.”
“What’s your goal for these sessions?”
“I have issues. I know I have issues.” I pause and realize how that must sound. “It’s not like I’m mentally ill. I didn’t mean to say that my peers and family have concerns about my stability. If that’s what you’re writing down, you’ll need to amend that.”
“I’m just writing down that I should call you Kylie.” Dr. Medio smiles kindly at me and lays her pen down. “These aren’t secret notes I’ll be keeping from you. It’s so when we talk I’m up to date on everything and you know I’m listening. Now do you want to tell me why you are here?”
I stumble as I try again. “I’m good at what I do. Really good. You don’t make it to where I am in business by playing nice, but I think I’ve lost perspective. I need a sounding board—someone I can be honest with who is paid not to walk away when I am.”
Her eyebrows rise then fall and she jots something down. “Has someone walked away from you recently?”
“Yes,” I say in a strangled voice. “Someone who is very important to me.”
“And what do you hope you’ll find here with me?”
“Could you please put your pen down?”
“Absolutely.” She places it as well as the notebook on the table beside her and waits.
I don’t say anything. I want to and it frustrates me that I’m wasting both of our time. I’m all about efficiency. I should just say what I’m thinking, get her feedback, and get out of here. Instead I’m sitting here like a nervous schoolgirl in the principal’s office.
What am I afraid of? That she’ll confirm I’m too far gone for anyone to love? That I’ll see the same look in her eyes I saw in Ben’s? I’m sure she’s more professional than that, but that doesn’t stop my heart from beating crazily in my chest.
Dr. Medio leans in a little and looks at me with her gentle eyes. “Why don’t you start by telling me about this person who left you.”
I can do that. “Ben is always smiling. He’s a walk in the park on a sunny afternoon. Everyone likes him. And he’s brilliant. Naturally a notch above the people around him, but you wouldn’t know it when you first meet him. He downplays his genius. I didn’t understand it at first, but I get it now. His family and friends are regular people so he straddles two worlds.”
“He sounds amazing.”
“He is.”
“Were the two of you involved?”
“Very much so.”
“What do you think happened?”
I shift nervously in my seat. “I know exactly what happened.”
She folds her hands on her lap and patiently waits for me to continue.
“This is all confidential. Nothing I say in here could make it to the outside world without ruining your career, right?”
Her eyes widen, the only tell that I’ve surprised her. “It’s all confidential unless you share a desire to hurt yourself then I’m required to take steps so that won’t happen.” Mild humor lights her eyes. “My career is safe.”
“I didn’t mean to imply—” I stop because maybe I did. “I have no desire to hurt myself or your career.”
“Well, then, let me be the sounding board you say you need.”
I jiggle one leg, realize I’m doing it, and return to sitting absolutely still. This is stupid. Do I really think she’ll be able to unravel the mess inside me? I stand. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”
She doesn’t stand. “It’s your choice, of course. However, I doubt you came to me before trying to deal with things on your own. Do you have a plan B?”
I freeze halfway to the door. “I don’t.” Unless living alone and miserable can be considered a plan.
“Then please feel free to make another appointment with me when you’re ready. I’ll be here.”
I turn and face her. “I’m not crazy.”
She holds my gaze calmly.
My hands clench at my sides. “I’m angry, but anger has served me well. It got me where I am. It keeps my enemies in check.”
“But?”
Here goes. “It has become too much of who I am. I’m not sure I’m in control of it anymore, and that scares me.” I hug my arms around myself. “It scares the people who love me, and all it took was once glimpse of that side of me for Ben to leave me.”
“What did he see, Kylie?”
There is no judgment in her tone, no hint that what I’m sharing is beyond what she can handle. “He saw my vision board.”
“Come back and sit down, Kylie. I’d like to hear about this board.”
Damn this woman is good. I’m back in the chair across from her and opening up to her in a way I haven’t been able to with others. I don’t tell her the details of Judge Snyder. I’m looking for help; I’m not an idiot. But I give her enough of an idea about what I’ve been doing that she has a clear picture of the wall and what Ben saw.
“Have you always displayed your issues this way?”
“Actually, no. This is the first time I’ve done anything like that. I’ve taken down people before, but I’ve never written anything down. The wall looks crazy even to me.”
“So, why do you think you created it?”
“I wanted to star in a psycho movie?” I joke.
She doesn’t laugh. She gives me that patient look of hers.
I don’t know why I put it on the wall, but as I ask myself that question, an answer comes to me and I share it. “It was too much to keep in my head this time. I was overwhelmed and needed to put it out there.”
“For whom?”
“First for Penny, my sister.”
“And what did she do when you showed her?”
“She got really, really worried about me. I’m pretty sure she orchestrated Ben asking me out because she hoped it would give me something else to think about.”
“And then you started dating Ben?”
“Yes.”
“Were you afraid he would see the wall?”
“Terrified.”
“But you didn’t take it down. Why do you think you left it up?”
Holy shit, this woman is good. “I wanted him to accept me—even the worst of who I am.”
“So, your wall is the worst of who you are.”
“Yes.”
“And when Ben saw it what did he say?”
“That it wasn’t healthy. That he needed time to think.”
“Do you think your vision board is healthy?”
I swallow before answering. “I’m here, aren’t I?”
She gives me that look again.
I continue. “I want to be the kind of person Ben could love.”
“Just Ben?”
No. She’s right. “No matter how I tried I’ve never been the daughter my mother wanted. I’ve never been the sister Penny wanted. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I wasn’t the woman Ben could love.”
“Are you someone you could love?”
“Me?”
“We have very little control over how others feel about us, but we can control how we act and how that makes us feel about ourselves. When you look in the mirror, do you like who you see, Kylie?”
I close my eyes briefly then say, “Sometimes. Not lately. When I was with Ben, he brought out a side of me I did like.”
“Tell me about that side of you.”
Once I start talking about how Ben makes me feel, I find it hard to stop. I tell her about how Ben makes me laugh, challenges the way I see things, and inspires me. When I look at the world through his eyes, I see people differently. I see myself differently. It isn’t so much that he asks me to change, but that when I am with him I want to be a better person. I like being happy and not looking at everyone as a potential adversary.
When I’m with him I don’t want to be the person who would made a hit list vision board. I don’t know what that means or how I’ve become that person. I don’t even know if it’s possible or if I should want to change that much for a man.
Dr. Medio rises to her feet. “Our time is done for today. I’d like to see you again, Kylie.”
I stand as well and am surprised at how good I feel as I do. “I’d like that as well.”
“I’d also like you to think about something this week. Those changes that you want to make in your life—that person you’ve become for Ben—is there a way to make those changes for yourself? People come into our lives and sometimes they leave us, but if we hold onto what we learned about ourselves while they were with us, it was time well spent.”
I shake her hand. She didn’t fix me, but I’m beginning to see I’m the only one who can. I don’t want to imagine my life without Ben, but I see now that with or without him I need to work on areas of my life.
I haven’t answered Penny’s phone calls in over a week. That ends now.
I can be a good sister. I can work on my relationship with my parents. Hell, who knows, I may even fucking learn how to make and keep friends. None of that will cost me the success I’ve achieved.
I’m going to be okay.