Chapter 33
Emma
“Cash?” I shook Cash by the shoulder, feeling so raw and afraid inside that I could barely breathe. He didn’t move. I pressed my ear to his chest, listening to his heart pound out a steady rhythm. “You have to wake up. Please wake up.”
He’d been out an hour. That couldn’t be normal. What was I saying? None of this was normal. I’d just made out with my dead boyfriend while he was in possession of my best friend’s body. Any shot I had at normal was long gone by this point. All I could think was that we’d broken him. If this had hurt him, if he didn’t wake up…
No. He’d wake up. He had to. And where was Finn? I needed him right now. He’d just disappeared. No warning. I realized he had an unconventional job, but after what had happened between us, a little warning would have been nice. I slid off the bed and began to pace. My head was spinning with memories. Finn’s hands and lips. Cash’s hands and lips. Oh my God. What did we do? How could I have let that happen?
Cash groaned and relief exploded to life in my chest. I sank down onto the bed and pulled my fingers through his hair.
“Cash,” I said, softly. “Are you okay?”
He squinted up at me.“What happened?”
I smoothed my hand over the comforter. “You…um…you passed out.”
Cash sat up and rubbed his head. “Shit. I feel like I got hit by a truck. How much did I drink?” He looked around and his brows pulled together. “And how did I get over here?”
I opened my mouth but the words refused to come out. I’d already used him—I didn’t want to lie to him, too.
“Hey.” Cash leaned in to touch my arm, but I jerked away before he could make contact. I couldn’t have him touching me right now. Not after Finn had just been touching me with those same hands. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
Cash ran his hand over his bare chest, then froze. His gaze wandered over his body, as if he was taking inventory of every detail. With a gasp, he scrambled back and fell off the bed, then jumped up, breathing hard. “What…what did I do?” He motioned between us. “What did we do?”
I stood up too, knowing I needed to look at him, but I couldn’t. Not yet. I stared at the wall beside him. “You didn’t do anything.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit, Em.” Cash shoved his fingers through his dark hair and leaned on my vanity, then shot back up like he couldn’t keep still. He rubbed his lips and groaned. “I can taste that peppermint lip crap you use, for God’s sake!”
“Cash…” I couldn’t finish. I didn’t know how to. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to hug him and beg him to forgive me. None of that would come. The pain and guilt in my throat wouldn’t let it.
“Look at you. You can’t even look at me.” Cash strode forward and reached out as though he was going to touch me, but he stopped as if he didn’t know if that was okay anymore. “Please tell me what I did. Please? I’m sorry, Em. I am so—”
“We kissed, okay?” I sucked in a deep breath, feeling dizzy with the force of my words. This half of the truth was the only answer I could give him, and the only thing that would make him stop feeling guilty. And I was terrified it was going to change everything. “You were drunk. And we kissed. And now…now we’re going to forget it ever happened. Okay?”
“Did I hurt you?” He looked horrified, his eyes wide. He looked ready to break.
“God, no!” I grabbed his hand and forced him to sit on the bed with me. “It…it was just stupid, okay? It didn’t mean anything. Right?”
He looked me over, uncertainty coloring his features. “Do…do you want it to mean something?”
I sat back, brows pulled together. “N-no. Do you?”
He stared at me for one terrifying second, then shook his head. “No. I don’t want to ruin this. I don’t…I can’t risk losing you, Em. If I ever went there with you…” He swallowed and dropped his gaze. “I’d ruin it. I would.”
“Hey.” I nudged his leg, feeling relieved and guilty all at the same time. “You didn’t ruin anything. I’m still me. You’re still you. And we’re still us. Nothing’s changed.”
Besides the fact that I am officially the worst friend in existence.
Cash rubbed his jaw and shook his head. “I have got to stop drinking. I really am the king of asshats when I’m drunk.”
I listened to another gust of wind beat the side of the house and shivered. Cash wrapped his arms around my shoulders and rested his chin on top of my head. I sat there quietly, trying to dissociate the feeling of his touch from Finn’s.
“I really am sorry,” he whispered.
I shook my head, the guilt eating me alive. “I don’t deserve you, Cash.” He needed to know. I could never tell him the whole truth, but I’d at least give him this. “You are a better friend than I’ll ever be to you. You should know that.”
Cash pulled away and smiled, his lips tilted in that crooked little-boy grin that he never seemed to outgrow. “I think that’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”
I stared out the window, at the snow piled up outside and the foggy film forming across the glass. I couldn’t look at Cash. Not when all I could see was Finn.