Harry admired older couples who stayed together until the end. When one died the other would follow soon after, maybe from a broken heart or because they had little keeping them on this Earth. Occasionally he’d see them sitting in a restaurant holding hands, like the pair in the booth across from him and Natalie. They still looked at each other with love in their eyes. He couldn’t help staring.
“Why do you keep looking over there?” Natalie asked.
“Huh? Oh, was I?”
“I think you know that. Is something the matter?”
“No,” he said, refocusing on the menu on the table in front of him. “Just wondering how long you think that couple has been together.”
“I dunno.” She shrugged. “Why don’t you ask them?”
Yeah, okay. He’d sound like a lunatic, or feel like a fool. When he’d first married Annie, they always believed that would be them one day. Old and frail yet still mentally spry, sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons. Man, was that a Norman Rockwell or what? He and Annie had only made it twenty-four years.
The wife of the older couple caught his eye and smiled. Hers were cloudy although still had a lot of life in them. “Nice early spring this year,” she said in a wobbly voice.
“Yes, it is.”
“It’s beautiful out,” Natalie said. “Excuse me, he and I were just wondering how long you two have been together.”
The husband and wife glanced at each other. “We’ll be celebrating sixty years this fall. And you?”
“Oh, we’re not married.”
“Forgive me, I thought since the gentleman is wearing…” He gestured at Harry’s hand.
Harry looked at his left hand. He spun his wedding ring around his finger with his other hand. It never occurred to him that he shouldn’t wear it. He cursed himself and couldn’t meet anyone in the eye, especially Natalie. The distance between them slayed him every day and night they spent apart. They had been ghosts living across the street from one another for weeks even though they still saw each other and occasionally had sex. Neither of them brought up the baby subject or talked at all. He was afraid. Maybe she was too. They’d agreed to meet at Hector’s today for a late lunch. Harry had agreed, to keep himself in her life. As if he was scared she’d forget about him like Annie was slipping away from him.
“He’s a widower,” Natalie clarified.
“Oh, we’re sorry for your loss.” The couple withdrew from the conversation and went back to eating, the only thing they could do during an awkward moment like this.
Widower. Harry took a deep breath. The word struck him as wrong. He wasn’t a widower, his wife had died. Widowers were sad, and lonely. At least that’s how he always pictured them. He was just a man whose wife had passed away. He wasn’t a widower, was he? He had the sad part down, and he couldn’t even tell the woman having his child he loved her. Pathetic was more like it. He sighed. It was hard for him to think about this.
Natalie clanked her fork down on her plate. “Harry? Are you all right?”
“No. Yeah, I’m fine, why?”
“Because your forehead has that big crease in the middle again. I know you haven’t been sleeping well. All you do when you stay over is toss and turn. To be honest, I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine. I always get like this when I have a tough case.”
“Hm…something’s different.”
Of course something’s different, I love you and can’t seem to get the words out of my mouth. He bit the inside of his cheek when he chomped down on his Coney dog and groaned.
“Did you bite your tongue?” She leaned forward and reached for his hand.
“Cheek.” Harry rubbed the side of his face.
“Ouch.”
“You know, I never think of myself as a widower. I mean, I know that I am. My wife died. Of course, I know it. Does it bother you that I wear my wedding ring?”
“It’s only a ring. And I’ve begun to realize that it means you’re not ready to give her up. I’m not sure where that leaves us. Do I even fit into your world? I love you but I don’t deserve to be second place to her memory.” A single tear rolled down her cheek.
“I know you don’t.” He took a napkin from the table dispenser and handed it to her.
She wiped her nose. “The fishing trip with Brayden is coming up.”
Harry nodded, too afraid to open his mouth. Perhaps if he stayed silent so would she.
“I think it will be good for you to get away from everyth—”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“Brayden is excited.”
“Do you want me out of your life?”
Shaking her head, Natalie looked away. “No,” she croaked.
“What then?”
“How can you sit here and ask me what when you know already? I want you to tell me you love me,” Natalie whispered, looking at him with pleading eyes.
“Don’t look at me like that, please.”
“Like what?”
“Like I’m the one with all the power to end things here. I’m not. So let’s make that clear. I’m not going to go away willingly. If you want me gone from your life, you’ll have to be the one that makes that decision.”
“I don’t want you gone from my life. I just want to be the love of your life. Right now. Not of the past, not of the future, because who knows what the future will bring? Just right now. Is that too much to ask?”
“No,” he whispered. “No, it’s not.”