Marin

I didn’t look up at Jasper as my trembling fingers grabbed the starchy fabric of my polo and pulled it over my head. Cool air hit my torso, and I shivered, though I didn’t know whether it was because of the cold or the situation. How had this happened? How had my normal night at work turned into this?

Kayla and I had been sitting in the alley mere hours before, gossiping about Jasper Black and the rumors and mysteries surrounding his business and his personal life. I never once imagined they were true. Now, I was stripping for him. I hadn’t stripped for anyone in my entire life. I had always been a “lights off” kind of girl in the bedroom, so getting naked beneath a yellow fluorescent bulb was as far away from my comfort zone as I could possibly get.

Plus, it didn’t help that Jasper was staring at me as though trying to decide the best way to carve me into bite-size pieces. His blue eyes raked over every inch of my torso, lingering over the black lace of my bra. Why had I worn such a nice piece of lingerie? I didn’t have a boyfriend, and I hadn’t been on a first date in months, but lace made me feel sexy. It was my own little secret, and it gave me confidence. Now I wished I’d opted for the stretched-out cotton bra I’d been wearing since high school.

I didn’t want Jasper to enjoy this.

The black polo landed in a puddle at my feet, and I moved to the button on my jeans. My fingers were shaking, and I did my best to disguise it. I didn’t want him to see me afraid or nervous. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

“Wait.”

I froze, still not looking at him, but when his desk chair groaned, and footsteps sounded on the concrete floor, I glanced up. He was looking into my eyes, his face an unreadable mask, as he moved across the room and stopped in front of me. He was a head taller than me, and I could smell the woodsy scent of his cologne clinging to his white button down. I hated how good he smelled.

“I’ll do it,” he said.

I didn’t know what he meant until his fingers replaced mine on the button of my jeans, and he deftly undid it. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to imagine I was anywhere else in the world, but the light graze of Jasper’s knuckle along my hip bone kept me firmly in his small office. He curled his fingers around the top of my jeans, his fingers pressing into the soft flesh of my sides, and tugged.

Out of habit, I shimmied my hips to help him remove the jeans. They were a little too small, but I wore them to work because I didn’t care when I spilled food or grease or beer on them. Now I wished they were bigger so they would have slid off easier. He had to practically peel them off of me, and his fingers left a wake of fire on my skin.

I hated this man. He was a murderer. Or, at least, he ordered men to be murdered. I couldn’t allow him to make me tremble and burn. I willed the senses in my body to ally with my brain. Jasper Black was despicable. It didn’t matter that he smelled like pine and fresh air. I hated him.

When my jeans finally pooled around my ankles, Jasper bent down and wrapped his long fingers around my ankle, lifting my feet out of my jeans. When he finished, he stood back and inspected me, his eyes moving slowly from my feet to my face.

He whistled long and low, shaking his head and biting back a smile. “This could have gone a lot worse for me. Out of all the waitresses in all the world, you walked into the middle of my execution. How lucky is that?”

“The luckiest,” I said, barely disguised rage seething in every word.

“Have you seen Casablanca?” he asked.

I shook my head, though it was a lie. Casablanca had been my favorite movie. Had been because it couldn’t be anymore. Not now that I knew Jasper liked it.

“Shame.” He stared at me expectantly.

Eager to end the humiliation, I reached for the clasp of my bra, prepared to unhook it.

“No, that’s enough,” Jasper said, turning around and drumming his fingers on his desk. “You can go.”

I tugged my jeans on and pulled my polo over my head as soon as the words left his mouth. I needed more clothes. A parka, a hat, gloves, a scarf. I wanted every inch of my skin to be wrapped in fabric.

“Tell them you’re sleeping with the boss,” he said.

“What?”

“When your friends ask why you’re getting home so late, tell them you’re sleeping with the boss. Tell everyone. It’s your alibi for the murder,” he said.

I nodded numbly. What would Kayla say? Would she even believe me? What would Joy say?

Jasper laid out a whole story – how our relationship came to be, explaining in excruciating detail how he swept me off my feet, how I fell for him instantly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said once he finished, still not looking at me.

The words felt more like a threat than a promise. I didn’t say anything as I slipped through his office door and pulled it closed behind me.

***

The front door of the apartment Kayla and I shared was unlocked when I got home. I slammed the door shut behind me and slid the lock into place.

“That you, Marin?” Kayla called from the kitchen. Even though it was nearly midnight, I could smell onions and peppers.

“Yeah,” I said, barely recognizing my own voice. Being back in the familiar space of my apartment felt unreal. How could something this normal still exist? Hadn’t the world as I knew it come screeching to a halt only an hour ago?

“I’m making omelets. You want one?”

“No. Thanks.”

I dropped onto the center of our worn tan sofa. We’d found it at a garage sale a few years earlier and talked the man selling it down from one hundred dollars to fifty. His wife was less than pleased. The rest of the furnishings were from thrift stores and IKEA, with a few personal touches thrown in. A few paintings I’d done in high school art class, photographs Kayla had taken on vacations with her family, and a smattering of books – Pride and Prejudice, To the Lighthouse, The Bell Jar. Kayla liked to call our style “Broke Chick Chic”.

“Why are you so late?” Kayla was still flitting around the kitchen, and I was glad she couldn’t see my face. I needed time to compose myself, especially if I had to make her believe the story Jasper had laid out. For Kayla’s own safety, she needed to believe it.

“I closed up tonight,” I said.

Kayla popped her head around the kitchen door. “I know that, but closing doesn’t normally take two hours.”

When she saw my face, her eyes drew together. She left whatever she’d been doing in the kitchen and moved to stand across from me, arms folded. “What’s going on, Marin?”

“Nothing,” I said, hoping I could make it at least twelve hours before I had to lie to my best friend. I didn’t feel emotionally ready for it.

She shook her head, dismissing my feeble attempt at being evasive. “Spill,” she commanded.

I took a deep breath. I needed to sell this. I needed Kayla to believe it. My lips turned up into the smallest smile. “I slept with Jasper Black.”

If my life hadn’t felt so incredibly backward, I would have cracked up at the look on Kayla’s face. Her jaw went entirely slack, hanging open so long I could see spit pooling behind her lower lip, and her eyes were wide and unblinking. For a few seconds, I actually pondered whether she could be having a stroke.

“How?” she stammered. “When? How?”

The smile on my face felt as if it weighed one thousand pounds, but I kept it there, struggling against the urge to break down and cry. “Tonight, after everyone left,” I said.

“Yeah, you’re going to need to explain a bit more thoroughly. How in the hell did you find yourself sleeping with our heavenly hunk of a boss?”

Heavenly? Jasper Black was the furthest thing from an angel. In fact, he was the leader of the Hellions Motorcycle Club. Demon definitely described him more accurately.

Kayla must have taken my silence as hurt feelings because she continued, “Not to mean that you couldn’t land someone as handsome as him. It’s just... well, you know. He is way out of our league.” She took a deep breath. “Please just tell me how this happened before I shove my foot and my leg in my mouth.”

I launched into the rehearsed story, hoping Kayla didn’t ask too many follow up questions. I wasn’t in a very imaginative mood, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to lie on the fly.

“You know how the girl I was meant to mentor tonight canceled? Well, I found out it was because she’s in the hospital. Abuse.” This wasn’t true. I had no idea why the girl had canceled. “I thought everyone had left for the day, so I was in the kitchen crying.”

“Oh, Marin,” Kayla said, reaching out and rubbing my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

I squeezed my eyes closed for a second, waiting for God to strike me down with a bolt of lightning, but it didn’t come. Probably because God knew he would have been doing me a favor.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I just need a good cry. But Jasper found me – I’d completely forgotten he was still in the office – and he begged me to tell him what was wrong.”

“Aww, that’s sweet,” Kayla said.

I felt bile rising in the back of my throat, but I swallowed it down. “He heard the girl’s story and all about my volunteering, and he wanted to help. We went back to his office, and he promised to make a donation to the mentorship program. I was really grateful, and I hugged him, and he kissed me. And then...”

My voice trailed off, hoping Kayla would fill in the blank herself. That she’d use her imagination and wouldn’t make me recount the whole story.

“And then?” she asked eagerly.

I sighed. “We had sex.”

“OH MY GOD, MARIN!” Kayla screamed, eliciting a knock on our wall from the neighbors. “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!”

“Me either.”

Kayla threw herself on the couch next to me, her legs folded beneath her. “How was it?” she whispered. “Was he... big?”

I shook my head. “I’m not discussing his penis with you.”

She groaned. “At least tell me how it was. Gentle? Animalistic? Is he kinky?”

“Gentle,” I said, thinking of the way his fingers had trailed down my thighs as he pushed my jeans to the floor. “And kinky.” Forcing me to strip moments after we’d met felt kinky, at best. Deranged, at worst.

“This is torture! You have got to give me something to work with here,” she begged.

I needed a break. I needed to get into the shower and let the scalding hot water wash the day off of my skin. “Maybe later. I’m beat, and I really need to get to sleep.”

“I see how it is,” Kayla said, lifting her hands in surrender. “You are sleeping with the boss, so now you’re too good to gossip with me. Fine, I don’t care.”

Kayla smiled, but I could sense a hint of something else in her voice. It sounded a lot like jealousy. If only I could tell Kayla the entire truth, the last thing she’d feel towards me would be jealousy.

“I swear I’ll give you more details tomorrow,” I said.

Kayla opened her mouth to say something, but her eyebrows shot up into her hairline before she could. “My omelets!”

Now that she mentioned it, something vaguely eggy with a hint of smoke was wafting out from the kitchen. When she beelined into the kitchen, I used the opportunity to dart into my bedroom and close the door.

My sociology textbook sat open on the end of my bed where I’d left it that morning before work. The plate I’d eaten peanut butter toast off of was on my nightstand next to the half-empty glass of orange juice. Everything looked remarkably mundane, and I felt as though I were stepping into someone else’s life. I could barely even remember who I’d been before the last few hours. How could my biggest worry in life have been whether I’d pass sociology with an A or a B?

Finally, alone and grappling with the mess my life had become, I collapsed in a heap on the floor and cried.