Chapter Eighteen
“You sure you’re ready to go back to work?”
Etta looked at Deacon, who sat on the porch swing beside her. “If I don’t, I may lose what I have left of my mind.”
“You’re okay, kiddo.” He put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze.
“I was really scared, Deac.”
“I know. But you got through it.”
She nodded, leaned her head against him, and closed her eyes. Etta didn’t remember anything after seeing JJ’s blood on her hands. She lost four days of her life. It was only through Deacon that she learned what transpired during the time she was lost in that gray fog.
That’s the only way she could think of it. An endless vista of gray, with fog floating slowly and perpetually. On the surface, it appeared harmless, but hidden within were the terrors, memories that ripped at the fabric of her being as she relived them over and again.
“It was JJ who pulled me back.” Etta wasn’t sure why, but she’d been loath to admit that to Deacon. Would he think her crazy? Or try to explain it away as her mind playing tricks on her while she was unconscious?
She didn’t know why, only that it was JJ who’d saved her from that gray place and from all the horrors that assailed her there.
“What do you mean?”
“Just what I said. I was lost in that gray place with nothing but the horrible things from my past to keep me company and I thought if I had to relive them another time, I would start screaming and never be able to stop and then I’d be lost forever in that awful place.
“And suddenly he was there. He took my hand and told me I was going to be okay and that he wouldn’t let those horrible things hurt me anymore.”
Etta opened her eyes and looked at Deacon. “And that’s when I opened my eyes and saw you sitting there beside me.”
“And you know it was just your mind playing tricks on you.”
“Was it?”
“You know it was. JJ was still in a medically induced coma at that point.”
Etta didn’t voice any disagreement, but inside herself, she knew that no matter what anyone said, it had been JJ who had saved her. And today he was coming back to Sanctuary, deemed physically fit for duty and ready to have his last session with her before she signed his discharge papers.
“I have to get over to the medical center.”
“You’re discharging JJ today.”
“Yes.”
“Are you ready to let him go?”
“As a patient?” She asked and stood. “Absolutely. He more than proved his readiness for duty that night.”
“And personally?”
For the first time, Etta was totally honest with Deacon. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that and before you say it, yes, I know. He could end me.”
“Is he worth the risk, Etta?”
“He is.”
“Then I hope he doesn’t disappoint.”
“Me too.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”
“For?”
“Everything.”
“Always.”
Etta smiled and walked away. She spent the time thinking about what would happen today and what it would mean to her life and to JJ’s. Just as she came within sight of the medical facility, she saw them. JJ and the other SEALs waiting outside.
“You cutting JJ loose today, Doc?” Billy asked as she drew near.
“Yes indeed.” She looked at him and then at JJ. “I’m signing your release papers today. You’re cleared for active duty.
The other SEALs immediately started congratulating him. Etta smiled and walked inside.
She walked into her office, closed the door behind her, and leaned back against it. Twelve weeks and five days. That’s how long JJ had been here. Long enough for him to recover and heal from what had happened to him. Long enough for him to almost die trying to save her.
Long enough for her to lose her heart to him, and now feel that same heart break when he walked away. She’d known it was coming and thought she was prepared, but now that the moment was at hand, she wasn’t so sure.
Until another patient checked in, what would she do with herself here at Sanctuary?
“Etta?”
She turned at the sound of his voice on the other side of the door and opened it. JJ stood there with the other SEALs behind him. “Are you serious about signing my release?”
“I am.”
“When can he return to the unit, ma’am?” Brodie asked.
“It’ll take a few days for the paperwork to clear, so give it a week or so. You know the military. Everything has to be in triplicate with all the I’s dotted and T’s crossed.”
Her phone rang, and she pulled it from its holster on her belt. “I think this is your ride,” she said to the SEALs and answered. “Whitestone. Yes. Yes, thank you.”
Etta stuck the phone back into its holster. “The helo is waiting. You need a ride to it?”
“Naw, it’s just a click away, down in that south pasture. We’ll walk. Thanks Doc. For taking care of JJ.”
“Just doing my job. Stay safe, gentlemen, and thank you for your service. My hopes and prayers go with you.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She nodded, gave JJ a quick look, and turned her back to the door to go to her desk. She could hear the voices of the men getting fainter as she logged onto her computer and accessed the files she needed to fill out and send in for processing to have JJ cleared for active duty.
Etta hadn’t imagined it would be so difficult a task, and yet she found herself struggling to stay focused on the job. It took longer than anticipated and when she finished, attached the necessary documentation to the email, and hit send, a sense of emptiness seemed to settle inside her.
It took twenty minutes to receive a confirmation, and to her surprise it came directly from Rear Admiral Angel, along with a short note that JJ’s active duty reactivation would be fast-tracked and that a helo would arrive in seventy-two hours.
She logged off, rose, and left her office. For the first time, she didn’t look around to appreciate the landscape as she walked. Today her gaze was on the ground and her thoughts in turmoil.
Etta didn’t know who had beat themselves up more over Karen Simpson, but she and Mason were running a close race. As it turned out, Karen’s stepfather was from Syria. Her half-brother had returned to Syria a few years ago and had been recruited by a terrorist cell.
They should have looked deeper into the stepfather and half-brother but they didn’t, and because of that, their enemy gained information.
Karen was now in a military prison awaiting trial. Etta had no doubt that the rest of Karen’s life would be spent behind bars. For Etta, it was a lesson to pay more attention to the details.
Just as she walked up the steps of her house, she heard him.
“Etta?”
She turned to see JJ standing on the end of the porch, leaning against the railing. “JJ. Hi. I imagine it was good to see your friends when you were released from the hospital.”
“It was.”
“It won’t be long before you’re back with them.”
“I know.” He pushed away from the railing and started toward her.
It was as if time had suddenly slowed as she watched him approach. She felt the rush of longing that always came when he was near, then the need to push back at the emotions that tried to claim her.
She realized that this was the pivotal moment for her. Now was the time when she had to decide. Surrender to the feelings he inspired or walk away before she could be dragged deeper into them.
The conversation she had with Deacon flitted through her mind and she wondered if he was right. Would JJ be the end of her? She’d signed his discharge papers. He was cleared to return to active duty.
Sudden fear of the pain she could be bringing on herself made her chicken and she held up one hand, palm out. “Stop.”
“I told you I’d come for you and nothing would stop me.”
“Except me. You said nothing but me.”
By that point, he was inches away and her hand was pressed against his torso. “I’m leaving soon, Etta. And I don’t know when I’ll get to come back.”
“Or if,” she pointed out.
“That comes with the job.”
“Yes, I know. But I don’t know that I’m ready for that.”
“For me to come back?”
“To worry whether you will.”
“You think I can’t survive?”
“It’s not a matter of survival, but one of desire, JJ. Right now, you want me because for so long you couldn’t or shouldn’t have me. I’ve been integral to your healing and I’ve had power over you. But once you’re back with your unit, back in your old life, everything will be different. You’ll be different, and I’ll be a reminder of a time you’ll want to forget.”
“You’re saying I’ll forget about you? After all we’ve been through?”
“I’m saying it’s quite possible you’ll want to.”
“Bullshit.”
“Pardon?”
JJ took her hand and raised it to his lips. “I came for you, Etta. To that place. I saw you there and I fought heaven and hell to get to you. I love you and I’d walk through hell again for you, as many times as I have to. But it has to be mutual, so tell me now. Do I turn and walk away, or pick you up and carry you inside?”
“You’re going to break my heart, aren’t you, JJ?”
“That’s not my intent and you know it.”
“I know. Still…”
She warred with herself, the part that wanted nothing more than to take this time and be with JJ, battling with the reasonable side of her nature that warned she was probably opening the door to a world of hurt.
Etta knew what the smart thing was, and maybe she could have chosen that path if JJ had not cupped her face in his hands and whispered. “Please give us a chance.”
Us. Give us a chance.
There was a plea she couldn’t refuse. “Seventy-two hours.”
“Pardon?”
“That’s when the helo will arrive for you to take you to your unit. Seventy-two hours.” Speaking those words did more to make up her mind that anything he could have said. In three days he would be gone. Maybe he would leave and be killed in action. Maybe he’d go away and simply forget about her.
Either way, if she didn’t take advantage of the next three days, there would come a time when she would regret it, hate that she’d given up this chance. She might end up with other regrets, but at least this was something that was actually under her control. Nothing else might be, but this was.
“And?” JJ asked.
“And I’m taking the next three days off. To be with you.”
JJ leaned in and his kiss was the softest and sweetest she’d ever received. Ever so slowly, he teased and tempted, seduced and promised with only his mouth and his hands framing her face gently.
Etta had never been so moved by a kiss. “JJ,” she whispered when he pulled back to look at her.
“Let me love you, Etta.”
“Yes.”
Right or wrong, she wanted this. She wanted him. No matter what happened after their three days were up, she would have this.