“Hey, you have a minute?”
I looked up from my computer screen, blinking as my concentration broke. “Sure, Bryce. What’s up?”
My boss lifted a stack of stapled white pages. “I just reviewed the deposition summary you did on the Coulson case.”
“Oh?” My stomach did a small twisting somersault. “Was everything okay?”
“Frankly, it wasn’t your best work.” Bryce came into my tiny cubicle office and shut the door. “I was kind of surprised. You usually nail these things. But you missed several key points, which I discovered when I went back over it today.”
“I’m sorry.” My spine stiffened. I’d always hated being corrected or getting anything wrong, from the time I’d started school as a kid. It was part of what drove me toward perfection. “If you’d like me to go over it again—”
“No, that’s not necessary. I just wanted to check in with you and make sure we’re not overwhelming you with work.” He sat on the edge of my desk and studied me, concern evident. “I have a vague memory of what the last semester of law school is like. I know there’s a lot of pressure on you. If you need to take some time off, or to cut back on your hours, please let me know.”
Now I was even more mortified. “No, absolutely not. I’m really sorry, Bryce. I hate that I didn’t meet your expectations. I won’t let you down again.”
“Amanda.” He held up one hand. “Please. That’s not it at all. This isn’t about me censuring you or threatening your job. We like you. We appreciate your work, which has always been exemplary. We expect wonderful things out of you in the future, and we hope that once you’ve passed the bar, we can offer you an associate position. That being said, I also don’t want to overburden you now.” He grinned and winked at me. “We’ll wait to do that when you’ve signed a long-term employment contract with us, and we own your life.”
I tried to return his smile. “I appreciate your vote of confidence, and I promise, if I feel like I can’t handle something, I’ll let you know. But for now, I think I’m okay.”
“All right, then.” Bryce stood up. “As I said, everyone likes you, and you have a reputation for your single-minded focus. One of the senior partners said the other day that you remind him of himself when he was starting out.”
A little of my tension eased. “Really? That’s very flattering.”
“Maybe.” Bryce’s expression sobered slightly. “I’m sure he saw it as a compliment, but considering this guy’s been through three marriages that ended in divorce and has five kids who don’t speak to him, largely because of that single-minded focus, I’m not sure he’s necessarily the example you want to emulate. Law is a wonderful career, Amanda, but keep in mind that she’s also a demanding mistress, if you let her take control. It’s important to cultivate an outside life and to respect the needs of those in your life.”
I forced a laugh. “An outside life? I’m not sure I remember what that is.” An image of Vincent, feeding me babas dripping with glaze, flashed across my mind’s eye, and I banished it immediately.
“That’s my point. It’s only going to get harder from here on out to find that balance. So learn it now.” Bryce opened the door. “I’ll let you get back to work.”
After my boss had walked away, my shoulders sagged. That deposition summary . . . I’d worked on it the Sunday night I’d gotten home from my weekend with Vincent at the inn. I’d been happily satiated, relaxed and reluctant to work, but since I knew I was already a little behind on getting it done, I’d rushed through it. Apparently, it showed.
Bryce had just pointed out what I’d already been trying to push to the back of my mind, and that was the fact that what I’d feared was coming to pass. I was losing my drive. I was letting stuff like sex and food and pleasure come before work and school, and I’d never done that before. I’d never even been tempted. No one had been important or compelling enough to tempt me. Until Vincent DiMartino had suggested that maybe we could do this, whatever it was we were doing.
Vincent was a huge complication in my life. There wasn’t any doubt about that. Even living ninety minutes away, his presence intruded on my concentration all the time, mostly because if I wasn’t remembering our time together, I was dreaming about the next chance we’d have to be with each other. He was a force of nature, and I was helpless in his wake. I couldn’t say no to him . . . even when I knew I should.
That was fucking terrifying to me.
The rest of the afternoon passed quickly, mostly because I had a stern talk with myself and made sure I only thought about work. I checked and double-checked everything I did. I went back over a couple of the case files I’d handled recently, just to make sure nothing else was going to come back to bite me in the ass. The last thing I needed was to earn a reputation as an incompetent slacker.
By the time I reached my apartment, I’d come to the grim conclusion that I needed to have a conversation with Vincent. I had to back away. Cool things down. I was going to tell him that we needed to take things between us down a notch, because I couldn’t handle failing. It was all well and good for Vincent, who had a guaranteed job at his family’s restaurant, but I still had a few more months of school to survive and a bar exam to pass, not to mention a position at the firm to keep in the meantime.
I’d just settled down on my sofa, with my phone in my hand, preparing to call Vincent and explain all of this to him, when there was a knock at my door. Frowning, I jumped up to answer it, wondering who the nighttime doorman had allowed upstairs without asking me. My list of approved guests was short and selective, and it only included my parents and a few close friends.
“Surprise!” Giff stood in the hallway, beaming at me when I swung open the door. “You might not recognize me, but I’m your best friend. The one you’ve been blowing off lately, apparently so you can do wild and kinky stuff with your other best friend’s brother-in-law.”
A myriad of emotion ran through me. Surprise at Giff’s appearance, guilt about making him feel ignored and embarrassment that he seemed to know quite a bit about Vincent and me. I wasn’t sure which one to acknowledge first, so I went with my gut and dragged him inside.
“I haven’t blown you off, buddy.” I wrapped him in a tight hug, sniffing appreciatively. Giff always smelled so damn good. “You’re the one who’s been off blissing on cloud nine since you got engaged. I’ve been right here, where I always am.”
“You might be onto something there, but it’s much more fun to see your face go three colors of red when I call you out.” Giff winked.
“You’re a jerk, you know that?” I led him into my living room. “What’re you doing here, anyway?”
“Can’t a guy come visit his friend without a reason?” He tilted his head.
“Probably, but you’ve got something behind your back there that tells me there’s a method to your madness. ‘Fess up, Giff. What’s going on?”
“All right.” He swung around the white plastic bag and held it out to me. “Jeff and I both took today off and played hooky down the shore. Part of the fun was an early dinner at Cucina Felice, at the invitation of the DiMartino family, who wanted to thank me again for the wedding. While I was there enjoying the ravioli, a certain hunk of hotness came out of the kitchen, handed me this bag and asked me to deliver it to a special lady friend in the city. So I have no idea what it is. I’m just the messenger boy.”
As I took the bag, a delicious aroma filled the air, and closing my eyes, I gave an involuntary moan.
“Uh, cookie, do you need a moment alone with your pastries?” Giff smirked. “I can step outside, if you’d like.”
I stuck out my tongue at him. “No. But I’m trying to decide if I like you enough to share whatever might be in this box.” I slid the small package onto my lap and opened the lid to take a peek. “Oh, okay. The answer to that question is no. I’m not sharing.”
Giff rolled his eyes. “Don’t bother, toots. I already sampled the wares of your squeeze earlier today.”
“Please don’t call him that, and ewww. You make it sound dirty, whatever it was you did.”
“Ha!” My friend laughed. “No worries, sweetheart. Vincent isn’t interested in anything I have, but he sure does have the soft puppy dog eyes when it comes to you.”
“Hmmm.” I fiddled with the handles on the bag, tying them together. “Maybe you just see what you want to see, Giff.”
“I don’t think so. But I’m more worried about what I see in your face, cookie. What’s going on? Tell me everything.”
I sighed. “Right before you knocked, I was about to call Vincent and tell him we needed to cool things down. To take a break for a while.”
One of Giff’s eyebrows ticked upward. “I see. And why, exactly, would you do that?”
“Because he’s a huge distraction!” I burst out. “I found out today that I’d messed up something at work, probably because I was too busy—well, getting busy with Vincent. He makes me want to think about stuff that isn’t work or school. I just want to sit around and daydream. I want to blow off classes and drive down to see him. I’m a mess, Giff.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Giff shook his head. “You’re not a mess. This is just the first time you’ve gotten involved with someone who means something to you. It’s okay that you’re a little preoccupied. That’s part of the deal with being in love.”
“I’m not in love with Vincent DiMartino.” My automatic reaction was swift and sure. “We’re not—he’s not—just no. It’s not like that.”
“Beg to differ, darlin’. I saw his eyes when he talked about you today, and I see yours when I mention his name. He’s gone over you, and you’re gaga, too. It’s a beautiful thing to see.”
I flipped Giff the finger. “Thanks. Here I am, consumed with misery—”
“The word you’re looking for is ridiculous, honey. As in, you’re being ridiculous. You’re adjusting. There are bound to be some growing pains as you do. Yes, you might lose a little focus with other things, but you’ll come around and figure out how to make it all work. You’re a smart girl. I have faith in you.”
“I’m glad you do. I feel like I’m drowning and dropping all the balls I have in the air.” I flopped back against the sofa cushions.
“Oh, sweetie.” Giff swooped me into a hug. “You’re not dropping anything. Like I said, it’s a matter of finding your balance. You’ll figure it out. Don’t make any rush decisions, okay? Promise me that.”
I groaned. “Giff. What if I ruin everything I’ve worked so hard for, just for good sex?”
His eyes went wide. “Is the sex only good? Seriously? With Vincent?”
“No!” I wailed. “It’s incredible. It’s mind-blowing. It’s the best I’ve ever had in my entire life, and I think he’s spoiled me for anyone else ever again. Just the thought of giving it up makes me want to cry.”
“Oh, baby girl. You don’t have to give up Vincent. Just tell him how you’re feeling and that you don’t want to change anything, but that you need to stay focused. Don’t run away, and don’t try to handle it on your own. Pull up your big girl pants and talk to that man. If the sex is as fantastic as you claim—”
“It is.”
“—and his cannoli is fan-fucking-tabulous, as I know, don’t you dare let him get away.”
I frowned. “How did you know it was a cannoli in the box?”
“I opened it and looked, of course.” He shrugged. “I happen to know the man makes amazing pastry. So do you pinkie swear you’ll do your best to make this thing between you work?”
A tiny smile curled up one side of my lips. “I do. I pinkie swear. And thank you, Giff. If you hadn’t stopped by when you did, I might’ve made a huge mistake.”
“Honey, I live to bring happiness and tranquility—and cannoli—to my friends in their hours of need.” Giff stood up and blew me a kiss. “Now, my own love machine is waiting at home, so I’m going to scram. I recommend that you scarf up this pastry and then call up a certain Italian honey and make him happy. Maybe make yourself happy while you’re at it.”
And once Giff was gone, that was exactly what I did.
Twice.
After all, as he’d pointed out, it was all about balance.
“Vince—hold up!” My brother huffed out the words and bent over at the waist, his entire upper body trembling as he tried to catch his breath. “Show some mercy, dude. I’m older than you, remember.”
“By two years. Pull yourself together, man. You’re embarrassing yourself.” I stretched my back and gazed out over the ocean. The sun was rising, and although it was still pretty cold, I could tell it was going to be a beautiful day.
“Bite me.” Carl snarled the words. “You come back and tell me how embarrassing it is when you have a kid at home keeping you up at night.”
“Hey, I’ve got other things keeping me up at night, and I manage just fine, thanks.” I smirked. “It’s all about the conditioning, Carl. My body is a well-oiled machine. That’s why I can ask it to do things like run on the beach in the mornings, and it responds.”
“My body responds, too. Just not the same way. And the other things that are keeping you up at night . . . I thought you were off the random chicks. You know, now that you’re all committed and shit to the lawyer lady.”
“Amanda. Her name is Amanda,” I corrected. “And I’m not committed. I’m just . . .” Hell, I hated this kind of conversation. It was none of Carl’s damn business, anyway. “We’re seeing each other. When we can. It’s no big deal.” Even as I said the words, I knew I was lying to both my brother and myself.
“Surrrrrre, it isn’t. That’s why you came in on Monday a couple weeks back, after your weekend off, whistling. And smiling. And being nice to everyone. That’s not like you, bro. It was fucking unnatural, is what it was.”
“You’re just jealous, because I’m getting all the hot sex I want, and you’re getting up all night to take care of a screaming kid. In my bed, the only screaming that happens is the good kind. The kind you want to hear.”
“That screaming kid is my son and your nephew, asshole. So watch it. And I’m not jealous of the hot sex. I get plenty of that, too. With my beautiful wife, who I’ve loved for over ten years, thanks. You don’t know shit about that, because none of your women ever stick around long enough. Or you don’t.”
That stung, even though it was true. It had never bothered me before, the way my family saw my man-whoring ways, but now that Amanda was in the picture, I didn’t want anyone equating her with the women I’d hooked up with randomly. She was different. Together, we were different.
My feelings must have shown on my face, because when Carl spoke again, he’d taken it down a notch. “What’s going on with you and Amanda, anyway? I know you hooked up back last summer, at Ava’s party. But it seems like now, things are more serious. How do you feel about that?”
“What’re you, my therapist? You want me to talk about my feelings? I’m . . .” I kicked at the sand. “I don’t know. I like her. We have a good time together. She makes me want to be more . . . more than what I used to be. But she doesn’t force the issue, you know? We just enjoy each other. We laugh a lot. We talk, and God knows, I never did that with other women, not once I’d gotten them in bed. But Amanda is fun. Even if we’re not in bed, she’s still fun. That’s new. But we’re not like you and Ange. We’re not dying to jump into something serious. It’s just—what it is.”
“Okay.” Carl caught one foot in his hand and bent his knee, stretching his hamstring.
I scowled. “Okay? That’s it?”
My brother shrugged. “Yeah, that’s it. What more do you want? You want me to bust your balls and give you shit about liking a girl? I’m not going to do that. Amanda’s a great woman, as far as I can tell. I only met her a few times. But if she makes you happy, the rest of us are happy, too. Just don’t fuck it up, all right?”
“I probably will.” It was the fear I’d been grappling with for weeks. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. Half the time, I convince myself I’m making a huge mistake. I’m not cut out to be a one-woman guy. I’m going to make a mistake, or a thousand. During the weeks when I don’t see her, I talk myself into calling it off. I pick up the phone to tell her this isn’t working. Then I see her. And in that minute, I think anything’s possible. I feel . . . possible. Like I can do it. It wouldn’t work with anyone else, but with her, with Amanda, it could.”
“Don’t let the fear cripple you. Don’t let it make you do something stupid, okay?” Carl clapped one hand on my shoulder. “You’re more than you think you are, Vince. You seem to think that we all look at you like you’re less. But we don’t. You can handle this. And you want the truth? Amanda’s damn lucky to have someone like you. I hope she knows that.”
I coughed. “When I bring her around the family—and I’m not saying when that’s going to be—but when I do, can you make sure you slip that into the conversation? She might buy it, coming from you.”
“Consider it done.” Carl grinned. “Now, have you tortured me enough? Can we go over to Ma’s? She let it slip yesterday that she’s frying doughnuts this morning, and I want in on that.”
“Hey, don’t you have a wife at home to make you breakfast?” I lifted my shirt to wipe my face on the hem.
“I do, but she doesn’t make doughnuts like Ma. But if you tell Angela that, I’ll make sure Amanda knows about the time you peed yourself in front of the girl you had a crush on.”
“Hey!” I propped my hands on my hip and glared. “I was six years old. And that’s a low blow.”
“We’re talking doughnuts, man, and we’re talking about my wife. I don’t mess around with either. You could take lessons from me.”
I cleared my throat as we began to trudge across the sand away from the ocean. “I do, Carl. Believe it or not, I do.”