Chapter Ten
Jake climbed into the passenger seat next to Pam, for the trip to pick up the rental car. He’d changed his clothes and eaten, only so Pam wouldn’t get suspicious. It had taken everything in him to swallow each bite, because he’d felt so terrible, thinking about Kathleen. His gaze strayed to the metal shelves along the garage wall and the white jugs of Roundup weed killer that hid the nondescript brown bag with his parka, covered with Kathleen’s blood. The lifeblood of a young girl was on his hands.
“You and Ryan looked like you were having quite the bonding session.” Pam set her purse on the console, disengaged the emergency brake, and twisted the key in the ignition.
“We were just talking.” Jake tore his gaze away from the hidden parka, for fear of tipping off his wife. He tried to put on a calm expression but he couldn’t. He’d known Ryan would be devastated when he heard about Kathleen, but he hadn’t foreseen that his son would start contacting random DUI lawyers. Jake hated leaving him alone, not knowing what his son would do next.
“What were you guys talking about?” Pam glanced behind her before she put the car into reverse. She drove a black Mercedes SUV, which had a camera in the dashboard that showed a full view behind the car, but she never trusted it. She wasn’t the kind of woman who delegated the important things in life. She wouldn’t have made any of the decisions he’d made. She never would have let Ryan drive. She never would have left the scene. She believed in the law, in what was right and moral. So did Jake, but that was Before. Now, in the After, he was a hypocrite. He turned to the window, instinctively hiding his face, ashamed of himself.
“Jake?” Pam asked. “Did you hear me?”
“I’m sorry.” Jake had let his thoughts get away from him. “We talked about how he was feeling, like that.”
“He seems kind of upset, don’t you think?”
“Throwing up will do that to you.”
“But it’s more than that.” Pam frowned as she put the car in forward gear and gave it some gas. She steered down the street, flipping down her visor against the glare of the cloudy sky. “It could be the playoffs, you know. There’s a lot of pressure on him. His job is to make a three, and he knows that Coach Marsh and Dr. Dave count on him.”
“I think I know what’s on his mind, and it’s not the playoffs.” Jake suppressed a twinge of annoyance. Coach Marsh ran the basketball program at school, and Dr. Dave Tolliver was Ryan’s shooting coach, a parent volunteer on the team whose son had graduated a while ago. Jake felt that both men had too much influence over Ryan’s life, or maybe he was just jealous that they saw him so much.
“What do you think it is?” Pam glanced over, her blue eyes frank. They drove through their development, where neighbors were unpacking groceries, heavy bags of salt, and new Backsaver snow shovels from their SUVs, their hatchbacks open like so many gaping maws.
“I think it’s about that girl. This is only a guess, but I think he was supposed to go out with her tonight. He was just starting to tell me when you came in, this morning.”
“Damn!” Pam hit the steering wheel with her palm. “I wonder who she is.”
“I’m not sure, but I think he asked her out on a date.”
“My God, that would be his first real date! Our baby’s growing up.” Pam puckered her lower lip, mock comically, but Jake knew she wasn’t kidding. He’d inadvertently stumbled onto a good way to change the subject.
“We’re going to have to cut the cord sometime.”
“I know, I know.” Pam let her voice trail off. “I don’t know what I’m going to do when he goes to college.”
“What am I, chopped liver?” Jake managed a smile.
“You know it’s nothing against you, right? It’s just that as a mother, it’s hard to let him go.”
“I understand,” Jake said, meaning it.
“Cheryl and Jamie say the same thing, we all do. If you have a great kid, it’s hard to let them go. The world is a dangerous, dangerous place. Anything can happen.”
“I know.” Jake was thinking of Kathleen, with a new wave of guilt. He turned toward the window, again.
“I mean, it’s not easy being an empty-nester. Jamie’s already on antidepressants. It’s just sad. It’s a loss. I know you feel the same way, honey.”
“I do.” Jake knew she said it out of a sense of parity. “Anyway, as far as this alleged date goes, I got the impression that something about it bummed him out.”
“What?”
“Two possibilities. Either he asked her out and she said no, or she said yes, but now he can’t go because he’s sick.”
“Oh no.” Pam’s shoulders fell. “That sucks. I hope she didn’t reject him, but either way, he can’t go out tonight.”
“Agree.”
Pam shook her head. “What a shame.”
“The course of true love never did run smooth.”
“Was he studying when you went up there?”
“I think he was trying to, but cut him a break, he’s sick.”
“That reminds me.” Pam looked over, suddenly businesslike. “You know we have that Eldercare Services dinner tonight, that benefit? I have to go. I can’t get out of it, they’re giving me some kind of award. Can you stay home with him?”
Jake hesitated, for show. “Sure.”
“I think you should. If he keeps throwing up, he’s going to get dehydrated, and I think we need to keep an eye on him.”
“Fine, right. What time do you think you’ll be home?”
“Late. I speak after dinner, and that’s when they present the award, so I’ll be there ’til the bitter end. Probably be home around midnight. Call me if he takes a bad turn, so will you?”
“Of course. Hopefully, he can get some sleep. I wouldn’t mind taking it easy tonight, myself. I started the day off with a bang, after all.”
Pam looked over. “So you have a good excuse for missing the rubber chicken.”
“I don’t mind the rubber chicken. It’s the weird black rice I hate.”
“That’s wild rice, and it’s classy.”
“Rice gone wild?”
Pam smiled. “Exactly.”
“Yuck. I like my girls wild and my rice tame. Is that so much to ask?”
Pam laughed, and Jake felt his heart lift. She had a great laugh, and he loved to make her laugh. He loved her, and he would lose her if she knew what he had done to Kathleen, and their son.
“So fill me in on the schedule,” Jake said, because he had some planning to do. “What time do you have to leave for your gig?”
“It’s at the Wyndham downtown, but there’s a VIP reception before the dinner, so I have to be there by five.” Pam glanced at the dashboard clock, which read 11:15. “I have to leave the house by three thirty, just to be sure. What are you going to do today?”
Jake had to think of a lie, because the truth was appalling. “Work.”
“You’re not going into the office, I hope?”
“No.”
“You’re not feeling too good, are you?” Pam patted his leg, and though Jake felt the softness of her touch, it gave him no comfort. He turned back to the window. After putting on a false front for the Wawa employees, the cop, and Ryan, he was running out of energy to put one on for Pam. He couldn’t wait to be alone, apart from her and anybody else, so he didn’t have to pretend anything anymore, so he could let the grief and guilt come.
“I’m just tired, is all,” Jake told her.
“Could you be having a delayed reaction to the crash?”
“No, really.”
“Should we go to the emergency room?”
“No, no.” Jake eased his head onto the headrest and closed his eyes.
“Did you get whiplash or anything like that?”
“Honestly, no.” Jake turned to her, trying to smile. “What kind of idiot has a car accident when there’s nobody around to sue?”
“An honest one,” Pam answered, smiling back at him, with love.