I watch out the window as hills roll by. Kyle and I have driven this route enough for me to know in about an hour, the hills will give way to the forested mountains that have been the site of countless camping trips.

We used to come out here to the wilderness all the time up until a few years ago. I guess our lives got too busy or we drifted apart, but one way or another we stopped coming. Until I came home from Jayce’s party last night and asked Kyle to call out of work for a week so we could get away. It was definitely impulsive of me and immature on more levels than one, but I can’t face him.

I know in my heart that I want a family. I want to have little kids running around my ankles. I want to cuddle babies, cry when I watch my kids get on the bus for their first day of school, and I want to be there crying like a baby when they graduate high school. Jayce felt like the perfect guy in every single way, except that he doesn’t want to give me the family I need. It’s a non-negotiable. I know that, but I also know if given a chance, he’d end up making me want to try things with him anyway.

It might be fine for a few months or maybe even a few years, but eventually I’d know I had given the keys of my heart to a man who didn’t want to go to the same place I do.

“So,” Kyle says from the driver’s seat of the truck. “Are you planning on telling me the real reason we’re doing this on such short notice? Or am I supposed to keep believing you just really missed camping all of the sudden?”

I sigh. There was a time not too long ago that I wouldn’t have ever hid anything from Kyle, back when we were still living with dad. I can’t put my finger on what changed exactly, but at some point it felt like he had to turn into our dad to help us escape, almost like the brother I knew permanently sacrificed part of himself for me. Now when I look at him, I see moments and glimpses of our dad behind his eyes, and it wakes up all the old instincts to stay quiet and not open up.

I owe him more than sulky silence though, so I decide to suck it up and start talking. “I needed to get away for a few days so Jayce couldn’t talk me into getting back together with him,” I say.

Kyle half-turns, raising an eyebrow. “Didn’t realize you two broke up.”

It irks me that I hear a slight hint of relief or excitement in his tone, but I shouldn’t be surprised. In all honesty, I think Kyle would like it best if I went the rest of my life single. Maybe I shouldn’t blame him though, considering my track record. I’ve probably been an overprotective brother’s worst nightmare, but it was never intentional. It feels dumb to think it now, but when I look back on all my relationship troubles, it always started with me thinking this guy would be the one who was really good to me--the one who was different. Surprise, surprise. That’s exactly how I felt when I met Jayce. But he was good to me. Just not good for me.

“I’m not sure if Jayce realizes either,” I say.

Kyle chuckles. “What, you’re just ghosting him?”

“He’s obnoxiously persuasive,” I say, but my justification sounds thin, even to my own ears. “If I tried to tell him flat-out, he’d just talk me out of it. That’s mostly why I want to get away. With a week to clear my head and get him off my mind, I will be able to stand my ground when we come back. I’ll tell him it’s not going to work and we’ll both be able to move on.”

“I could tell him for you, you know.”

“I know I’m not exactly handling this like a mature adult right now, but I’m not ready to revert all the way back to middle school level. I just need time to make sure my head is clear before I talk to him again.”

“Well, here I was thinking you wanted to spend time with your big brother.”

“I do. I could’ve just come up here by myself, couldn’t I?”

“Yeah, except you’ve never be able to put up your tent or start a fire without my help. I feel so used,” he says with a grin.

I glare at him. “I’m pretty sure I can figure out how to put up my own tent.”

“Yeah? I guess we’ll find out.”

Two Weeks Later

I wait for what seems like ages while the pregnancy test indicator gradually fades into view. I didn’t feel ready to come back after a week like I had originally planned, so it turned into two. I let my phone die so I wouldn’t be tempted to take any of Jayce’s calls or texts, which started pouring in the day after we left. I only just plugged it in an hour ago when Kyle and I got back, exhausted and thankful for air conditioners and solid walls after so many days outside.

My period should have come a week into our camping trip, but all the pads and tampons I brought along are still unopened in my camping bag.

This is the first pregnancy test I’ve ever used, and I stupidly imagined it would be a special moment. I never thought I’d be hunched over on the toilet, hands shaking because I’m so scared of what it will mean if that faint blue color forms into a plus sign. Even if it’s a negative, I’m not usually late on my period, so I’ll be worried it was just a false negative since I’m taking the test on the early side.

My stomach sinks when what was starting to look like a minus sign sprouts a little bit of blue that begins to stretch upwards and downwards. Positive.

I drop the test on the ground, but the positive sign keeps growing darker and more clear, as if it needed to make the message any easier to see.

I’m pregnant.

I cup my face in my hands, breathing out long, shuddering breath after long, shuddering breath. I have to tell him. I don’t know how in hell I’m going to do it, but he needs to know it’s his. Whether he wants to be part of this babies life or not, he needs to know, and that terrifies me to my core.

All my life I’ve been searching for a man who will accept me and treat me well, and I think in a large part it’s because my dad never accepted me. So I’ve felt desperate to find a man who would. Now the only man who ever seemed to accept me is going to learn that something he doesn’t want is growing inside me.

The worst part is I know I won’t be able to tell him right away. I just ran off from him for two weeks without so much as a text to let him know where I was going, and he has no idea that in my mind we had broken up. I run my fingers through my hair and hang my head. Leave it to me to take the perfect guy and make this big of a mess, to be this stupid and impulsive.

Somehow I’m going to have to find the courage to tell him the truth. I just hope I can do it before things go too far again, before I let him suck me back into his dark, beautiful world.