Dear Diary,

I got a phone call from my doctor this morning. My MRI didn’t go so well. The tumor is growing, and the doctor wants us to come in to talk. I’m scared to tell Connor. I know I need to, but I didn’t want to worry him until I had all the details. I want to focus on the good things happening. We get to find out what we’re having today, so I’ll tell him soon. I promise.

Mackenzie

Connor

My boss let me take a few hours off today so I could be at Mackenzie’s doctor appointment. He has two daughters and didn’t want me missing out on any part of my growing family.

I walk into the doctor’s office and Mackenzie is already sitting there, reading a magazine. I can’t believe this girl I’ve known for years is not only my wife, but she’s carrying my child. The bump she’s sporting puts an instant smile on my face every time I see her.

I sit next to her, leaning in for a kiss. We’re called back fairly quickly where they have Kenzie sit in a chair next to a big screen.

I hold her hand, more anxious than I’ve ever been in my life.

“You guys ready to see your baby?” the technician asks, and I have to swallow hard.

Mackenzie giggles, “We’re a little excited. I hope you’ll be able to tell us what we’re having.”

“Most of the time we can, so let’s do all the measurements and such, then we’ll get to the fun stuff.”

She squeezes gel onto Kenzie’s belly, and as soon as the wand is rolled around, spreading the goo, an image appears on the monitor. The small body, round head, and tiny nose on the black-and-white screen almost do me in.

“Say hello to our baby,” Mackenzie says, squeezing my hand and grinning.

I stare in awe at the life inside her belly. The life we created; the forever I won’t have with her, but I will have for us.

My heart aches for Mackenzie but also sings with joy—two emotions I didn’t know were possible to have at the same time.

The technician measures the head and vital organs, and shows us the strong heartbeat flashing on the screen.

My mind is completely silent as I stare at the fast pace heartbeat of a tiny human being inside my girl’s belly. Amazement crashes over me when I think I made that. I planted the seed which grew a little person inside the woman I’m helplessly in love with.

Miracles definitely exist.

I look at Mackenzie. Why can’t a miracle happen for her too?

My lips instinctively lean into hers; needing the comfort they offer me before I lose it completely.

“Oh my gosh,” Mackenzie suddenly says, pulling away and scaring the daylights out of me. “I felt that!” On the screen our baby turns. “Yes, that. I felt that!”

Tears run down her face and I have to blink mine away a few times. I can’t believe this is really happening. That’s our baby. I’m going to be a father.

“Are you ready to know what you’re having?” the technician asks.

Our eyes get big and I grab Kenzie’s hand as she says, “It’s a girl, isn’t it?”

She smiles. “Yes. Congratulations, you’re having a girl.”

“I knew it! I could feel it deep within that she was a girl. Connor.”

She turns to me and I can’t help it anymore. Tears flow down my face at the thought of having a little girl; my baby girl.

Knowing I’ll have a part of Mackenzie, someone who will hopefully look just like her, pushes me over the edge and almost brings me to my knees.

When our eyes meet, she laughs. “I hope those are tears of joy,” she teases.

I wipe my cheeks. “Definitely tears of joy. She’ll be just like you, I know it.”

She tilts her head and pulls me in for a kiss.

“Thank you for giving me this,” I whisper, placing my forehead against hers. “That’s our baby girl…. My forever with you.” A sob slips out, and Mackenzie cups my face.

“Our forever,” she affirms.

* * *

Mackenzie

Connor had to go back to work after my appointment so I was alone when I got home. My emotions started to quickly take over and I couldn’t help but cry into my pillow.

I’m excited, sure. Who wouldn’t be? I’m having a baby, a girl at that. I can’t wait to meet her, hold her in my arms, and feel her warmth against me. But then I think about how much I’m going to miss: her first steps, first words, first everything.

I place my hand over my belly and can’t help whispering, “I’m so sorry I won’t be here for you. I’m sorry to bring you into this world, knowing you won’t have a mom.”

Suddenly it’s hard to breathe, and I start to hyperventilate so I drop to my back, taking in deep breaths to calm my nerves. Is Mom right? Am I being selfish? How can I have a baby, knowing I won’t be here for her?

I feel better knowing Tracy will be such a huge part of her life. She’ll be there every step of the way being more of a mom than aunt to her. Guilt washes over me for making her take on that role when she didn’t sign up for this.

I will forever be there, and no one will erase or take my spot in her life, but that thought makes me cry even more.

When I look at the clock, I see it’s five thirty, and Connor should be home soon. I clean myself up and put on a brave face.

At six he opens the door, holding a bag. “How are my girls?” he asks, kissing my lips and my belly.

The instant smile on my face warms my heart and calms my worry. “We’re good. What’s in the bag?”

“I bought our daughter her first outfit,” he announces, beaming with pride.

I laugh and take it from him. Inside are pink leggings and a shirt that says Pretty like Mommy on it.

The waterworks return without warning, and I have to put down the outfit and run to our bedroom.

“Baby,” Connor calls after me, following me into the room.

I lay down on our bed and weep. Connor doesn’t say a word, just curls up behind me, holding me tightly.

“I’m scared,” I admit for the first time out loud since I found out I had cancer.

“Me too,” he whispers. “But I’m here. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re alone. I want our daughter more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life. This is right. Her birth is right.”

“But she won’t have a mom.”

“Yes she will. She’ll always have you in every aspect of her life. When you’re not physically here, Tracy, my mom and your mom will be. Between your family and mine I’m not worried one bit that she’ll not feel the love of a mother. She’s our miracle. The gift you gave us all.”

I snuggle against him, resting my head on his chest, feeling an overwhelming combination of joy, heartache, and happiness.

She is my gift. My gift to him.