Chapter Twelve

I T WAS THE EARLY hours of morning when Cristian finally woke up. Dark circles under his eyes, his skin pale in an unhealthy way, lips dry and colorless, hair sweaty and stuck to his scalp, he was the most beautiful thing the whole world.

“You’re back,” I murmured, as I pushed my chair closer to his bed and took his hand in mine.

Cristian groaned and tried to get up.

“Take it easy.” I helped him lean against the pillows propped on the hospital bed’s headboard and he settled.

“How long was I out?” he asked, his voice cracking.

I helped him drink some water through a straw, expecting some protest. Cristian drew long gulps of cool liquid and moaned.

“Not that long, less than twenty-four hours.”

He nodded, his eyes locking with mine. “I thought I was done for.”

I shuddered, remembering the bloody mess he’d been when I’d forced the car door open. “We were lucky. Shiki helped get you here.”

“You helped too. I could hear you, barking orders and mending my wounds. I couldn’t open my eyes or do anything, and it was fuzzy like hell, but I could hear you.”

I gasped, not proud of the startled sound. “You were out cold, that’s—”

He squinted at me, lips pressed tight. “Are you calling me a liar?”

Cristian’s face twisted in laughter before I had time to mumble an apology. I sighed in relief and brushed messy strands of hair away from his face.

“I am sorry I put you in so much danger. I cleaned up house while you were asleep.”

“Good,” he said, clenching his fists. “I would have helped if you weren’t in such a hurry. Don’t apologize though, this was not your fault.”

I stayed there with him until the doctor came to check on him. Some more drugs to help him sleep and heal. Doc said he’d be good as new tomorrow.

I watched over Cristian as he slept, noticing the signs of recovery as the hours passed. The more I looked at him, the more I realized what I felt for him was more than a crush. If I spent more time with him, there’d be no going back. I’d fall deeper, I’d become selfish, and he’d be back here, on this hospital bed or another. I wasn’t good for his health.

***

I groaned and pressed the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. I had an office now, a few doors down from my father’s. I’d never needed an office before. I could work from our cabin, as long as I had a laptop. I never liked feeling like a bureaucrat. Things were different now.

My father had insisted I needed to be involved in all tribe affairs. A new wave of respect had made its way through the Mongolians after my two-wolf operation to clean our territory of intruders. If I took Dimitri’s word, the ripple effect had traveled far, creating more division among the Russian packs.

That wasn’t why I’d accepted the office. I’d wanted it because Cristian was in the cabin. It was hard avoiding him if we shared the same house, so I’d said yes to everything Chinggis had proposed.

I found it difficult to act cold to Cristian. It worked better when I was exhausted, so I put in long hours into everything from patrols to keeping tabs on our businesses and sifting through information we got on our Russian enemies.

Cristian always smiled, gave me space, and said he understood. It pissed me off something fierce. I was being an asshole and unfair to boot, but I hated that he always smiled sympathetically and said he got it. I knew, logically, Cristian dealt with a lot more for his own tribe. For a long time, he’d been the old alpha’s right hand. He’d single-handedly led the Dacian Wolves while Vicks had been coming to grips with who she was and her role in the tribe. Of course he understood being bone tired and overworked.

I wanted him to challenge me, be selfish and demand my attention. If he didn’t… If he didn’t do that, I was free to freeze him out, act cold and ignore him. I’d been successful at it for days, but it got harder with every moment that passed.

Cristian was gorgeous, I knew that much. I liked him for many other reasons than his looks, and those reasons were becoming more apparent the more time we spent together. He was calm, intelligent, a great strategist, and his knowledge of tribes, how they worked, how they interacted with each other was impressive for someone only a year or so older than me. His intel on the Russians was as good as and sometimes better than mine. Werewolf territory never overlapped perfectly with country borders, so he had packs in Moldova and Ukraine that were a rich source of information.

“What the hell is wrong with me?”

There was no one to answer my question. I was secluded in my office, after all. I shuffled through the papers on my desk, then clicked away on my computer. There was always something to do but I just didn’t feel like it. I was here to hide, I was done with work for the day.

My phone pinged with a text message. I picked it up from where I’d thrown it, on top of a pile of folders.

I’m flying out tomorrow. Hope we manage to spend some time together before I leave.

It felt like a punch to the gut, minus the heaving and trying to fill my lungs with air that wouldn’t go through. The pain was sharp and it felt real, as if something had hit me full on. Why was I surprised? He’d come here for me and I had ignored him. Cristian had said he’d be here for another few days, but he was a beta. Things happened and his tribe might need him. Or he might have gotten tired of sitting around and waiting for me to give him the time of day.

By this time tomorrow, Cristian would be in Bucharest. With that distance between us, it would be far easier for things to fade between us. I’d be even better at avoiding him, he’d grow tired of my lack of interest, and he’d give up on me.

My gut twisted and I taste bile. I gripped the armrests of my chair and forced myself to breathe. In and out, slow and purposeful, until the sensation subsided.

I still had tonight. I could spend it with him, one final taste of what I couldn’t have. I let my head fall back, lolling on the chair, eyes shut. Hate burned through my soul, licks of rage that looked for ways to lash out. I’d find the Russian pack leaders who’d started this whole mess and I’d wring their necks with my bare hands.

Until this moment, I’d never understood Shiki’s fear of losing another mate. I’d lectured him on staying alive and not giving up. What had I known? Sure, I’d survived losing my first love, my teen sweetheart. But I’d never been faced with the possibility of going through that dreadful blow again.

The first sign of it happening again, and here I was, hiding in my office. I’d lived through almost losing Cristian. It wasn’t a possibility I was mulling over, I’d been there, pulling him out of a wrecked car, blood gushing out of him. I couldn’t put him in such danger. I knew I was selfish, I didn’t want that soul-crushing grief again. On the other hand, I wouldn’t rob him of his life if I backed away.

I could just stay here. Go to Dimitri’s for the night, or shift and sleep in the woods. If I didn’t see him for a goodbye, it would make the break cleaner. Cristian would never want to see me again.

As I thought of the possibility of hiding until Cristian left, I knew I wouldn’t do it. I wasn’t that strong. I needed that final taste of him. A little borrowed time to quench the thirst in my heart. Tomorrow I’d shut him out. Tonight, tonight I’d pretend it was safe for me to meet someone, be attracted to them, and allow myself to fall in love.

***

“You’re here,” Cristian said, coming over to peck my lips. His smile was warm and enticing, but what got to me was the genuine surprise in his voice, like he hadn’t expected me to come home. I almost hadn’t, I remembered, and guilt flooded me.

“Sorry, I know I haven’t been around much.”

Cristian waved my worries off and walked to the small table in the right corner of the living room. We don’t have a proper bar, but we set a few bottles and glasses on our coffee table. Cristian had opened a bottle of wine and he was now pouring it for us.

“You’re in the middle of a . You really don’t need to apologize to me twice a day. Or more.”

I felt even worse at his words. He didn’t know they were only excuses, and he was so supportive of me, it was breaking my heart. I was lying to him, wretched creature that I was.

I walked to Cristian and wrapped my arms around his chest, pulling his back flush against me. I dipped my head and kissed the side of his neck. I wanted to thank him, not sure for what. The chance to feel like this again? His support, his unwavering acceptance of me and my actions? His helping me so many times? All of it.

Cristian turned and crushed me to his chest. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and sighed. The relief he exhaled was palpable and a new wave of guilt rippled through me. I hated that I’d made a man like him feel so unsure of his standing. Knowing that I was going to do it again made it even worse.

He kissed the side of my neck, then parted his lips and dragged them along it, up to my jawline. He grazed his teeth along the curve of it and I shuddered. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t hold onto my guilt or my worries. Cristian, his sizzling touch, the heat radiation from his body took over my mind and kept it under the spell of this man.

When his lips touched mine, I was already so far gone, I was trembling with need. I was so wrapped up in him, it felt like we were moving in flashes. Edge of the couch in the living room. Stairs to the bedrooms, top of the stairs, my bedroom door which he pressed me against. Once inside, we started shedding clothes. My hands were shaking as I pulled at his T-shirt. I needed to feel his skin and muscle and bone moving under my touch. To remind myself that I was alive, that the fear I felt was irrational. He was unhurt, and I was going to make sure he stayed that way. No matter how much I hurt both of us in the process.

We fell onto the bed in a tangled mess of limbs, Cristian laughing, his entire body trembling with it. I smiled up at him, mesmerized by the sparkle of joy in his eyes. He bent forward and pulled my nipple between his lips, biting down hard. I jerked in his arms and he kept me close, not letting me put any distance between us.

“I’ve missed you,” he murmured, then sucked on my nipple again.

I moaned and bit my lip. It felt so good. So good that I almost didn’t register the possessive, hurt touch in his words. He understood, he didn’t complain, that didn’t mean he’d like me ignoring him.

The thought was lost moments later when he put his mouth on my other nipple and sucked gently. I arched my back, pushing myself closer to him. I was ready, Cristian was rock hard. Why was he prolonging this?

“Please, I need you,” I whispered, tugging at his dark hair.

Cristian growled and kept torturing me with his mouth, tracing and kissing every inch of my body. He avoided my cock, and I knew this was a new form of torture he’d devised for me.

I tried to pull at him, wrap my legs around him and pull him closer, but he pinned me down and stared down at me, his eyes burning with arousal. “My pace, Ganzorig. I am going to enjoy this.”

I nodded and relaxed on the bed, my bones turning into liquid at the strength of his arousal roughened voice. He sounded commanding, powerful, dominant. Cristian was exactly what I’d always wanted. My mind went quiet, my body complying to his demands, need and joy warring with the fear surging within me. How would I go back to living without all this? Without him?

There wasn’t an inch of me he hadn’t caressed, bitten, licked, and kissed by the time he relented. Cristian slicked his cock with some odorless lubricant he must have brought with him and knelt between my legs, pushing them wider with his strong thighs.

I cried out when he sunk into me in one long and slow thrust, the sensation too intense for a mere moan. He had my arms pinned above my head, my fingers clutching the sheets. I tried to move my hips, but he used his hips and weight to press me into the bed. I shuddered and closed my eyes, trying to slow down my breathing and stop my body from jerking in search of more friction.

Once I stilled, Cristian moved. The same long and steady pace, deep thrusts that seemed to take forever to reach as far as he could go. I opened my eyes and met his. They seemed alight, the golden flecks dancing, the ring around his irises appearing larger, brighter. His pupils were so big, Cristian’s eyes seemed closer to black orbs, set aflame by those shining flecks.

His jaw was tight, his lips pressed in one firm line. I noticed the slight tremble in his body, muscles strained in the inhuman effort to maintain this pace when I knew his instincts, human and wolfish, were telling him to fuck me hard and fast, chase his release and mark me.

“Cristian,” I huffed out. I tried for more, but there were no words, only moans and grunts coming out of my mouth.

He must have heard the plea in my voice. He dipped his head, claiming my mouth in a maddening kiss, but did not speed up. Long, deep, powerful moves, his cock sliding out and returning home with clock-like precision. I needed more, I needed his wild side, I needed the ruthless pounding.

All I got was this controlled man taking charge and giving me what he wanted, nothing more. I’d protest, but my lips and tongue were busy following his lead, kissing back with all the pleasure he gave me.

The orgasm came from nowhere. It raced through my body and took me so high, the release felt like falling forever, my eyes blind at the reality behind me. I felt Cristian shudder above me as I swallowed his moan. He fucked me through our climaxes, his kiss sloppy but unrelenting.

Cristian slumped on top of me, releasing my wrists that he’d been gripping so tight, I was sure I’d have bruises. I only regretted they’d fade too fast. I wrapped my arms and legs around him to keep him from moving. I felt boneless and exhausted, and it took more effort than I’d thought I needed, but I made it.

I was clinging to Cristian, kissing his temple. My eyes stung and I bit my tongue not to curse. I couldn’t let him see my distress, otherwise he’d know. If he asked, I couldn’t lie to his face, not after this.

I wiggled us around until he was spooning me. Cristian kissed my shoulder and pulled a blanket on top of us. He held me like that, not letting me go, throughout the night. Like he didn’t want to let go and leave either. Of course, he didn’t know how final that goodbye would be. Maybe he felt it on some level. Maybe he’d stop me somehow, before it was too late.

***

“Your turn to come visit me,” Cristian said from next to me. We were at the airport, waiting in the back of a car while the other wolves that had accompanied us were making sure there were no threats hidden in the dark corners of the parking lot.

I kept my eyes trained on the men moving in front of the car. “I don’t know when that will be. I can’t leave until things quiet down around here.”

Cristian grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me close. He placed a bruising kiss on my lips, then pressed our foreheads together. “I don’t fucking care when you come. Get things settled here, I can wait. Just promise me you’ll do it the moment your tribe can spare you for a while.”

I sighed and closed my eyes, breathing in his scent and the air that had been in his lungs just before.

Cristian tightened his grip. “Promise me.” It wasn’t a command, it was a plea. One that gutted me and made my heart twist painfully.

I kept my eyes closed, unable to look at him. “I promise.” Liar. I wasn’t going to see him after today.