Liam
It was a Friday night, and Liam looked at himself in the mirror, admitting to himself that his friends were right. He looked like shit. His face was sallow, and the bags under his eyes had their own bags. Any weight he’d put on while living with Cash had dropped off pretty much immediately. He’d like to blame it on money, and while that was part of the problem, it was mostly that he just didn’t feel like eating. Hell, he didn’t feel like doing much of anything.
Before he’d left, he’d started talking to his boss about telecommuting. There were several other people in his group that worked mostly from home, and while he hadn’t wanted that at first because he was getting to know his co-workers, it suited him better in his new place. He’d be the first to admit he was depressed, which made telecommuting optimal.
Not wanting to eat was only the tip of the iceberg really. He didn’t want to get out of bed and sometimes worked from there. He didn’t want to leave the house and had even given his grocery money to one of the guys who’d picked up everything he wanted when he’d run out of food most recently. He didn’t want to work but had no other choice.
He’d get over it all eventually. There weren’t any other options. Carter and Mateo had been the best friends he could have ever asked for. He didn’t know what luck had brought them into his life at the perfect time, but one or the other of them were always checking on him throughout the day. They called or texted, and he couldn’t be more grateful. He talked to CC quite often as well.
It had been just shy of four weeks since he’d left Cash, and the physical, mental, and emotional ache remained, though it had eased incrementally as time went by. Somehow, Mateo and Carter had talked him into going to some local kink club that night, and as he brushed his hair in front of the mirror, taking in his underwhelming reflection, he wanted to cancel on them.
He knew Mateo had been wanting to go to the club for a long time and hadn’t had the guts, and when he saw they were having a special boy’s night or something, he’d asked them both to go. When he’d tried to decline, they’d both given him the saddest, most pathetic puppy dog eyes, and he’d been a goner. The only thing that was keeping him going was that he was doing it for Mateo. He needed the extra confidence boost that having friends with him would provide, and after all Mattie had done for him, he’d have felt like shit flaking on him.
They ordered a Lyft ride so they could drink if they wanted, though Liam wouldn’t partake. When he was ready, he grabbed his wallet and his keys and met them in the living room. They threw on their jackets and were out the door in moments. The drive was short and the time waiting in the line at the club was even shorter. When they were finally let in, they headed for the bar.
He’d never been to a club. If he wasn’t so fucked in the head, he’d probably be more excited about it, but as it was, the place was dim and full of strangers, a whole lot of strangers, and he felt uneasy. Some of them were hardly clothed, and all of them knew a hell of a lot more than he did about what went on a club like this. He’d just have to be an observer.
They ordered several drinks each, and Mattie even felt brave enough to hand his card over and say, “Will you start a tab, please?”
The bartender nodded, plucked the card from Mattie’s grasp, printed out their drink order and wrapped it around the card and paper. Securing it with one of a dozen rubber bands around his wrist, he unlocked a drawer and tossed it in, locking it back up and moving on to the next customer without skipping a beat. Mattie turned around, a triumphant look on his face at what he’d done, and Liam chuckled and turned towards the tables behind them.
They snagged a table as a couple guys wandered off to the dance floor. The chatted for a while, rather loudly, as the sound of the crowd grew incrementally. Someone tapped on a mic and everyone got quiet. A man in leather chaps with only what Liam assumed was a leather jock underneath, raised the mic to his mouth and yelled to the crowd, “Good evening, everyone!” Everyone shouted back, letting Liam know this was a regular occurrence.
“How is everyone?” There was a chorus of boisterous responses, but as they all differed, Liam couldn’t make them out. “Good, good! This is going to be a fun night tonight. We’re adding another ‘Monthly Special’ to our roster, and you’re all here to celebrate the first one. Now, everybody LOVES a Daddy, right?”
Oh, fuck.
The crowd went wild, and he narrowed his eyes at Mateo who mouthed, “I’m sorry. I love you.”
This was not what Mattie had told him tonight would be about. He made to stand up, and Carter and Mattie both grabbed his wrists. Mattie leaned in. “Please, don’t go. You don’t have to do anything or dance with anyone. I just wanted you to see there are other Daddies in the sea.”
His lips twitched. He did not want to be amused. “You lied.”
“I didn’t lie. I said tonight was a special night for boys. Listen to him.”
“…that boys need a good Daddy, and we’ve had requests from both Daddies and boys alike to have a special night just for Daddy’s boys. These boys are submissives that need some extra care and nurturing from their Doms, and we allllll know that Daddies are the perfect nurturers. So, we want our first dance to be for all the Daddy’s boys out there. You know who you are. Come to the dance floor and show all the Daddies in the room how to shake it.”
The crowd erupted, and a sea of boys made their way, from all angles of the club, to the enormous dance floor. Mattie and Carter, still holding his wrists began to drag him there as well. He didn’t want to give any of the “Daddies” any type of ideas, so he pulled free and stayed right where he was until the sad puppy dog eyes came out again.
“This doesn’t mean anything. We’re just dancing. Carter and I will shoo away any Daddies that come sniffing around you. We know you aren’t ready for anything. We just wanted you to see you aren’t alone in what you want.”
Carter took up the mantle of convincing him. His soft, shy voice seemingly stronger with his conviction. “We aren’t the only three boys in Boston that need Daddies, and there isn’t only The Boys Club app to find them. Maybe next month, or the month after, or the month after that, you’ll be ready. When you are, we’ll come back here.”
Mateo hugged him and rested his head on Liam’s shoulder. “Come dance with us. You could use a little fun. We just want to have fun tonight and show you there are other possibilities.”
Liam huffed and squeezed Mateo then chuckled when Carter wrapped his arms around them both and cried, “Group hug!”
They heard a couple chuckles around them, and Liam looked up to several “Daddy” like older men smiling and enjoying their little scene. He blushed to his roots and was so caught off guard at being watched with kind looking, appreciative eyes, that he didn’t even put up a fight when his friends took off his jacket, tossed it on his stool, and then proceeded to drag him gently to the dance floor.
The music was loud, and they had to yell to be heard, so they stopped trying and just danced. He didn’t know what the hell he was doing, having not danced at all in his lifetime, so he watched others and mimicked them, and pretty soon, he’d lost himself in the music.
He lost all track of time until the second song turned to the third, and the MC said, “All right Daddies, you’ve had time to watch all the pretty, pretty boys we have here that are looking for men just like you. Why don’t you join them on the dance floor and have some fun?”
Panic set in, and he looked at his friends, shaking his head. They knew that was taking it one step too far, so they clasped his hands and walked with him back to their table, only their table was occupied by a big gorgeous man who just happened to have Liam’s jacket resting on his thigh with his hand laying over it as if it was his.
He came to a standstill, shock on his face, and backed away a step, stopping his friends’ forward momentum. They looked at him then ahead at what he was looking at. Mattie gasped and moved closer to Liam, asking in a near breathy voice that Liam could hardly hear, “Who is that gorgeous man?”
“His name’s Jake. He’s good friends with Cash.”
Both of his friends chimed in, simultaneously, “Oh, shit.”
His thoughts exactly. They gripped his hands tighter, and he squeezed them back, finally willing his legs to move. When he drew closer to Jake, the sad smile on his face did something to Liam he couldn’t pinpoint “Hi, Jake.”
“Hey, Liam. I’d ask how you’ve been, but I can see you look just about as good as your Daddy looks.”
Liam gulped and shook his head. “He’s not my Daddy.”
“You know deep down that’s not true.”
“But it is, Jake. It’s over. Please, just leave it alone. Don’t call him.”
The apologetic look in Jake’s eyes made the blood drain from Liam’s face and his knees go weak. “You didn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Liam. I had to.”
Mattie yelled over the din of the music and dancing, “You didn’t have to do anything! How could you? Look at him. Does that look like a boy that wants some asshole posing as a Daddy?”
Mattie yanked Liam’s jacket from Jake’s lap and grabbed his own. Carter picked up his, and he and Mateo made to usher him out of the bar until Jake’s words drew them to a stop. “You shouldn’t leave your wallet in your jacket at a bar, Liam. You might as well wait for him on neutral ground, or he’ll just show up at your place on Ashford.”
Mattie jumped forward before Liam or Carter could grab him. But Jake caught Mattie’s hand before it connected with his face and yanked him forward between his legs, his other arm going around his waist. Mattie gasped, and Liam and Carter moved forward to help, but Jake shook his head at them. For some reason neither of them could probably explain, they stopped in their tracks.
“Shh, little one. Settle.” His voice was loud enough to be heard but not by anyone other than their small group. “You’re protective of your friends. I like that in a boy. Now stop trying to wriggle out of my arms when you know it’s exactly where you want to be.”
Mattie huffed and gave a half-hearted shove to Jake’s chest. He turned and gave Liam an apologetic look, his lower lip caught between his teeth, and Liam couldn’t help but laugh at the truth of Jake’s words. How Jake knew they were true, Liam didn’t know, but he smiled at his friend. “It’s okay, Mattie. He’s a good man, or Cash wouldn’t be friends with him.”
He watched as Mattie stopped his token protests, and the hand he’d used to shove Jake away stayed on Jakes chest. Liam and Carter watched as his fingers started a tiny caress on Jake’s shirt. Carter turned into Liam and snickered, and they both shared a smile. If anyone needed a Daddy, they both knew Mattie did. He got himself in trouble more often than not and needed a guiding hand. No matter what happened between him and Cash that night, he hoped something good would come of it with Jake and Mattie.
Cash. Fuck. He wasn’t prepared for what was to come. He crossed his arms protectively around his lower waist and didn’t protest when Carter wrapped his arms around him and lay his head on Liam’s shoulder. Liam rested his head against Carters and drew in a shaky breath as tears pricked his eyes. He watched as Jake turned Mattie so he was leaning against Jake’s inner thigh, but still caught up in Jake’s arms. Mattie looked at Liam, and when he saw the tears in his eyes, his soft-hearted friend couldn’t stop his own tears from forming.
Jake looked from Liam to Carter then back to Mattie. Liam could see his grasp tighten on his friend’s waist when he saw the tears slip down Mattie’s face. Jake pulled Mattie so his back was flush with his chest, reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief, surprising Liam, and whispered in Mattie’s ear. Mattie sighed and took the soft, white cotton and wiped his eyes and blew his nose, making Jake chuckle.
Liam smiled at his friend and glanced back up at Jake who gave him another sad smile and said, “Go ahead and sit down, boys. He’ll be here soon.”
Liam and Carter both did as they were told. Liam shook his head and replied, “There’s nothing to be said, Jake. It’s over. He can’t let me in, and I can’t live like that anymore. I’m moving on.”
“The bags under your eyes tell a different story, Liam. And the bags under Cash’s are just as bad, if not worse.”
Liam was confused at that. He didn’t understand why Cash would be so upset. Jake must have seen it in his eyes because he shook his head. “Jesus, Liam. He’s been a mess. He’s been searching for you everywhere. Tommy tried to reach you through TBC, but you’d shut down your account. Cash tried your employer, who refused to give any of your information to him, regardless of their connections. He just hired a fucking PI, kid. Even the PI hasn’t been successful so far. It was just my good luck that I was here for the event tonight. It’s like you’ve been off the goddamn grid. Cash is desperate to find you.”
He shook his head. It didn’t make sense. “Why? It was just a contract to him.”
Jake shook his head, the look of sadness on the man’s face surprising Liam. “That’s not true, kid. That man is crazy about you.”
That took Liam so aback he jerked in his seat, and his mouth dropped open, his confusion written all over his face. “What are you—”
“It’s true.”
Liam gasped at the sound of the voice he thought he’d never hear again. He’d known it was coming, but he hadn’t been prepared for it. He turned on his stool and was shaken to see what his leaving had done to Cash. He hadn’t believed what Jake had claimed, but as he looked at Cash, he knew it was true. His face was drawn and the bags under his eyes were worse than Liam’s. But the most surprising thing of all was the unshed tears in Cash’s eyes as he walked towards Liam.
Cash clasped Liam’s face in his hands and asked, “Baby, are you okay?”
He watched as the tears spilled over and slid down Cash’s face which in turn prompted his own to fall and he nodded. “I’m okay.”
He heard Cash’s choked voice say, “Oh, thank god,” as he drew Liam up from his stool and into his arms. “I’ve been so worried, sweetheart.”
Cash’s terms of endearment were doing a number on him, and Liam couldn’t figure out why he wanted to wrap his arms around the man and never ever let him go after all that had happened. His arms moved of their own accord though, and he didn’t think he’d ever held on to someone so tightly. They swayed with it, and Cash leaned down and whispered, “I’m so sorry, boy. So goddamn sorry. I’m ashamed of myself and how I treated you. You don’t know how badly I’ve wanted to let you in.”
Confusion clouded Liam’s mind, and he shook his head. “I don’t understand. I thought you’d be in Spain by now, finally admitting your feelings for Tommy.”
“Oh, baby, no. No. I told you from the beginning I wasn’t in love with Tommy. It’s you. It’s been you from way too early on to be rational or logical. It’s only ever been you.”
It was like a jolt of lightening went through him. How could that be? How could any of what Cash was saying be true? He shook his head in denial. “I don’t understand.”
Cash drew back and cupped his face again, looking deeply into his eyes, his expression so earnest. “I know you don’t. I have a lot to explain, and even more to make up for. Can we talk somewhere? Let’s go back to your place. I just want to talk to you.”
Tears poured down Liam’s cheeks, surprising him. “I don’t know. I just… You hurt me, Cash.”
“I know I did. I know, baby boy, and I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry for being a coward and an asshole.”
Regardless of what had happened, Liam didn’t like Cash attributing those words to himself. He shook his head. “You weren’t either of those. I don’t know what’s going on, Cash, but you’re not a coward, and you’re not an asshole. You can’t force yourself to feel the same way I feel, and please, don’t tell me you do when it’s not true.”
Cash’s hands were shaking, his gentle grip still on Liam’s face. “If you believe nothing else I’ve ever told you, believe this. Please, Liam. What I’m saying is true.” He glanced around them and back down at Liam. “I don’t want to say the words in a BDSM club, baby. We’ve already become fodder for everyone’s curiosity. Please come with me so we can talk alone.”
The world had become a pinpoint in time and space for him as soon as he’d seen Cash. He glanced around, and the music filtered back in, the noise from the still busy dance floor, the patrons surrounding them, and the bar finally being heard once again. As he took in those closest to their table, he saw the curious glances and the smiles of some of those near them as they watched in rapt fascination. His cheeks colored, and he glanced back up at Cash and nodded. “All right. We can go back to my place, but all we’re going to do is talk, Cash.”
“I know, boy. Thank you.”
Liam sighed, not knowing what the hell he was getting into or setting himself up for. He turned towards his friends and said, “I’m going with Cash to our place. You can stay and have fun or whatever you want.”
Mattie shook his head stubbornly and glared at Cash. “We’re coming home with you.”
He felt Cash stiffen beside him, but he said nothing. Jake growled, “Boy, let them have some time alone.”
Mattie crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. “You’re not my Daddy,” he paused and looked down at his feet then shyly looked back up. “Yet. So, you don’t get to tell me what to do. We’re going home. Liam can talk to Cash in his bedroom, but I’m going to be there if my friend needs me, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Jake’s lips twitched as if he was going to laugh, but he kept himself under control. Liam watched, bemused, as Jake hooked his finger in one of Mattie’s belt loops and pulled him forward. “You’re going to be a handful, aren’t you?”
Mattie nodded his head immediately. “Yes.”
Jake chuckled and nodded. “All right.” He glanced at Cash. “You take your boy to their place, and I’ll bring these two troublemakers home once I settle the tab.”
Cash nodded and clasped Liam’s hand, looking at Liam then back at their hands. “This okay with you?”
Liam glanced down at their entwined fingers and couldn’t have explained, even to himself, how it made his heart feel. He bit his lip and glanced back up at Cash and nodded. Cash lifted their hands up and kissed the back of Liam’s then led them out of the club.
Cash helped him into one of his fancy cars and even buckled him in. He squatted in the open door, gazing at Liam, tears in his eyes, and whispered, “God, baby, I never thought I’d see you again.” He reached out and ran his finger down Liam’s cheek then dashed away the tear that fell at Cash’s words.
Cash stood, caressed his face one more time, and shut the car door, rounding the back and getting in on his side. He started the car, backed out, and when he got them on the road, he pulled Liam’s hand over to his lap and folded his hand over the top of it. They sat in silence, both of them content to soak up the moment of being in each other’s presence again and the feelings it provoked, saving the heavy stuff until they got back to Liam’s apartment.
He quietly told Cash where to go and few words were spoken as they made the short drive to his home. He glanced at Cash’s face after they parked as he sat there looking at Liam’s apartment building. His shoulders fell, knowing he’d be upset they were living in a run-down place, but he wasn’t about to be sorry. He was proud of them, and they were doing just fine. Yeah, the place wasn’t a palace, but it was a roof over their heads, and they had what they needed.
Cash got out and Liam waited, an automatic reflex with Cash, knowing he’d want to help him out. He undid his belt and climbed out when Cash opened his door. They took the elevator to the sixth floor and got off. He let them into their apartment, which was furnished with the bare minimum but did include a cheap couch and chair they’d all chipped in on and a table and chairs Carter had brought with him.
Cash shook his head. “Liam…”
“Don’t. Don’t be a snob about this.”
“Baby, I’m not being a snob, but this isn’t okay. You boys shouldn’t be living like this. The building doesn’t have one safety measure, and the single lock in the doorknob of your front door isn’t going to keep anyone out.”
“Yeah. I know. We’ve been meaning to buy better locks. We’ll do it. I promise.”
Cash sighed and shook his head. Liam could see Cash making plans in his head and didn’t even want to go there. He stopped Cash’s thoughts, asking, “Would you like a drink? We have coffee, water, some milk, soda?”
“No. I’m good. Thank you.”
The door rattled, and his friends walked in with a stricken looking Jake following them. He and Cash exchanged a “we’ve got to come up with a way to fix this” look. Liam sighed and said, “Why don’t we go chat in my room?”
Cash nodded and followed Liam to his bedroom. When they got there, Liam pointed to the desk chair so Cash could sit while he plopped down on the corner of the bed, which consisted of a mattress and box springs on the floor. Cash stood there and looked around the room, a pained expression on his face. “If you’re going to continue to berate me for the place the three of us could afford, you might as well go. It’s not much, but we’re making it on our own in an expensive city, and I’m damn proud of what we’ve done.”
Cash took a deep breath and let it out in a whoosh, nodding. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you boys, that’s all.”
Liam nodded, believing that. “I know, but you needn’t be. We’re doing all right.”
Cash took a seat on the bed next to Liam, a leg up on the bed, facing him. Liam mirrored his pose and fidgeted with his pant leg, not knowing what to say. He figured if Cash had something to say, he’d eventually get to it.
Cash clasped his hand and pulled it towards him, playing with Liam’s fingers. “I don’t know how to start.”
Liam tried to pull away as he said, “I can’t fix that for you.”
Cash held tight. “I know, boy. I’m not asking you to.” He sighed and Liam looked up into his eyes, the look of sheer determination in them took Liam’s breath away. Cash cleared his throat. “I love you, Liam.”
Liam shook his head and opened his mouth to interject, confusion and anger simmering just under the surface. Cash held up his hand. “I know what I’ve done to set us back.”
“Set us back? There is no us, Cash. We wanted different things in the end. There’s no crime in that. I told you, I don’t blame you, and I’m not mad at you. I’m sad, of course, but—”
“Stop. Liam, look at me. You don’t get it. We don’t want different things. We want the same exact thing. Tommy was right about us, the whole time. I don’t just love you, Liam. I’m in love with you.”
“But—”
“I was a coward and a selfish asshole. I was scared and trying to blame my hesitance on our age difference. I thought I was just taking my time, sorting out my feelings, and the whole time I was hurting you. Please believe me when I say I’m so sorry.”
“I believe you’re sorry. I just… Cash, don’t tell me you’re in love with me if you’re not. Please. I can’t go through this again. I don’t think my heart can take it.”
“Baby, I’m telling you the truth. Look at me. There you go. Liam Cavanagh, I’m so irrevocably in love with you it scares me to death. I tried to keep distance between us, but that was a mistake because it made you think I didn’t care. I care more than I even know what to do with. I don’t know what to do with my feelings for you because they consume me.”
Liam’s heart was pounding out of his chest because he knew every word Cash spoke was the truth, but he still had to ask, tears pouring down his face, his voice shaky and unsure, “Really?”
Cash clasped his face and used his thumbs to brush away his tears. He nodded, and his own voice was choked up when he said, “Yes, baby boy. Really.”
Liam’s tears blurred his vision as he launched himself at Cash, sobbing and holding on as tight as he could. Cash gripped his ass and pulled him in. Liam wrapped himself around Cash and held on for dear life. When he finally pulled away, he found himself slapping the hell out of Cash’s arm several times before he realized what he was doing. He gasped in shock and slapped his hands over his mouth, unable to believe what he’d done. His chin trembled as tears started up again. “Oh my god, I’m sorry. I just… You can’t ever treat me like that again! I can’t… I can’t…”
He sobbed, and the shocked bemusement on Daddy’s face turned to sadness and tears were filling Daddy’s eyes as well. “I know. I know, baby. Never again. I promise.”
“Okay.” Liam nodded, wiped his nose off on his shirt sleeve, and then ran his fingers through Cash’s beard, scratching it and tugging on it. God, he’d missed his Daddy’s face. He gazed in Cash’s eyes, and they smiled at each other.
He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to Daddy’s lips, and when Cash’s hand tightened on his ass and his other held Liam’s head in place, Liam let out a moan and rolled his hips into Cash’s, eliciting a groan. Their tongues dancing and their lips and teeth nipping. Cash finally pulled Liam away by the back of his neck and leaned his forehead against Liam’s as they breathed heavily.
“I know we have a lot to fix. I have a lot to fix. Will you come back with me tonight, so we can talk?”
Liam hesitated and shook his head. “Why don’t I just drive over in the morning.”
“Please, Liam, I—”
“I don’t want to sleep in the blue room, and then talk in the morning. I’d rather sleep in my own bed and come over for breakfast.”
A pained look crossed Cash’s face, but he wasn’t about to sleep in that fucking mausoleum he was always relegated to. He’d make that clear to Cash. That wasn’t happening.
“God, Liam no. Fuck, baby. I’m so sorry. Look at me. You will never have to sleep apart from me again if you don’t want to, and if I fuck something up between us and someone needs to sleep on the proverbial couch, I’ll be the one to leave our bedroom.”
Liam’s heart sped up with hope. “Our bedroom?”
“Yes, sweet boy. Our bedroom. You can do whatever you want to it, or we can pick another room and get contractors in to make it what you want.”
“For how long?”
“For how long? What do you mean?”
“How long will it be our bedroom?”
Cash’s eyes roamed his face, the confusion clearing away for the sweetest smile he’d ever seen on Daddy’s face. “It’ll be our bedroom for as long as you’ll have me. Forever, if it was up to me.”
Liam’s chin started wobbling again, and he couldn’t keep the sobs at bay. Could he really be getting exactly what he wanted? It didn’t seem real and he wasn’t sure he could trust it. “Forever?”
Cash’s face softened, and he brushed Liam’s fresh tears away. “Forever, baby boy.”
He tested out the word he wanted to say. “Daddy?”
Cash’s breath caught. “Jesus. Aww god, I never thought I’d hear you say that again.” Liam saw tears prick his eyes as he let out a sigh, wiped the tears away, and nodded.
“Daddy.”
Cash chuckled and nodded again. “Yes. Forever your Daddy. I love you, baby boy.”
“I love you, too.”
The awe on Cash’s face, and the steel bands of Cash’s arms wrapped around him, squeezing the breath out of him, made him laugh with sheer happiness. When he leaned in to kiss Cash again, Daddy stopped him and looked into his eyes, suddenly serious. “You’re a gift I don’t think I deserve yet, boy. But I will. I promise I will, and I’ll never take you for granted again.”
They kissed again then Cash smacked his ass. “Hop up and pack a bag for the weekend. We’ll make plans and figure out our next steps while you’re there. I’ll go chat with your friends. What are their names again?”
Liam smiled. “Carter and Mateo, Mattie for short.”
Cash nodded and stood. He grabbed Liam’s ass once more before walking out to the living room. Liam’s knees gave out, and he sat down on his bed, unable to believe what had just happened, yet unwilling to doubt it. He rubbed his tear stained face and sighed. Grabbing the backpack he kept under his desk, he started packing.