Hi guys.

I want to thank everyone for their messages, public and private. It’s been a hard couple of weeks. A few times there, I really thought I was going under… reading all the positive things people said helped me look after myself though.

There were a lot of negative things thrown at me too. Sometimes I wonder if you realise that This Is Real Life. This is my life, with no filter, no defences. I’ve chosen to put myself out there, and it’s hard, it’s painful. Just because this is a blog, and not a TV show or something, doesn’t mean that I’m not real, that what’s happened isn’t real, and what people say about me doesn’t really hurt. But here’s the thing: People have every right to their opinion. I’m all about truthful disclosure, and some people find that threatening. And when people feel threatened, they act on their basest instincts – they attack, they obfuscate, they lie. The last few days have taught me that I have to allow for this sort of thing, and accept that I have no control over the opinions of some Haters, just as they have no control over what I choose to share.

So, what I mean to say is, I won’t be silenced, and neither should you be. This isn’t a cult of personality, you’re free to dislike me/mistrust me/argue about me. I’d prefer it if people were more accepting, nicer, less aggressive, but I started You Can’t Go Home Again with the idea that it should be a dialogue rather than an echo chamber. I feel very strongly that We Are In This Together, that we can be a family to one another. And families argue and then make-up; they fracture and re-bond, become stronger. I’m stronger than I was a few weeks ago. I believe in myself more. In a funny way, everything that’s happened has given me a sense of my own worth, a small but growing sense of entitlement. And there’s nothing wrong with entitlement, is there? We’re all entitled to respect, to comfort, to safety, to success. Just one small, good deed can change a person’s whole life, and we should be alive to that possibility, and welcome it.

Something quite wonderful happened to me today.

I don’t want to go into the whole story, it’s all too raw, but, as you know the police (briefly) investigated Mum’s death. What I didn’t tell you was that, since nobody saw me leave the house the night she died, they appealed for witnesses, and for a few horrible days I felt as if I was some kind of suspect. This, coupled with shock and – yes, some of the abuse that I received via the blog – almost drove me to a breakdown. For the first time ever, I really felt that I could be losing my mind. Grief, horror, misplaced guilt – it all knocked me down, but then, something happened that made me regain my faith in people.

A witness came forward to say that he’d seen me that night, and suddenly, I could do right by my mum, give her a decent burial. I asked the police if they could thank him for me. They said that, yes, he’d agreed to that. I passed on my number, and… he texted me this morning. Before I knew what I was doing, I’d invited him over for a coffee. Bear in mind that the house is still a mess – half of the furniture has gone, and I only have one chipped mug and a wine glass. I almost texted back to say, Actually can we do another time? But that seemed rude, so I didn’t. I’m really glad I didn’t.

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time at friends’ houses, but they very rarely came to mine. I could never be sure what kind of a state Mum would be in, and I told myself that she’d be mortified if anyone saw her drunk, but really, I think I was protecting both of us.

So, in a funny way, this man was my first visitor. Apart from the police.

He’s my age, and, weirdly, we went to school together! He remembers me, but sadly I don’t remember him at all. He told me that he’d noticed me at school, because he thought I seemed sad sometimes, insecure. And then he said something that really struck me: ‘I should have reached out to you then.’

And I felt my thoughts start to untangle and resolve into one, simple emotion: Gratitude.

When you look after a relative, when you’re a carer, you’re so removed from other people. You exist in a realm of sickness, age, worry. It’s debilitating. I said something like that to him, and he knew exactly what I meant. Why? Because he, too, is looking after a close relative.

We sat in the darkening kitchen and talked for hours. We talked about work, about holidays, about ambitions, about all the things that get put away when you’re a carer, all the things that you hope, one day, will regain their rightful place in your life again. And the guilt, of course. The guilt that, no matter how much you love your parent, you miss your own life, and want it back. When he left, we both felt better, and we agreed to meet again, soon.

So, let me leave you with this: think of the small, good things we can do for others that are large and life-changing. Never underestimate the value of these small things. Don’t give in to fear, but rather share your feelings, reach out to others. We can form our own families, forge our own bonds. All you have to do is be honest. All you have to do is come from a place of love.

XOXO Jay

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Lilagracee: Such a relief for you and amazing Revelation! You keep shining lady!

Laundryloony2: Going on a date ;-)

Lilagracee: Not everything’s about that take some time

Brittanywalsh: He sounds nice

DaisyChain: “To those who have given up on love… trust life a little bit”

HollybFootitt: If you can’t love yourself, how can you love someone else? Self-love is NOT narcissism! Pleased to see Jay *finally* believing in herself.

Brittanywalsh: sad2 here about bad messages tho just discovered YCGHA and have2 say i love it.

Lilagracee: @Brittanywalsh welcome to the family!!!

Laundryloony2: Going on a date??!