In the morning, I pay more attention than usual to my style. Not original Morgan levels of gorgeous, but more than Liv. And I suppose that basically represents the median I’ve reached in my new life as a whole. Breakfast is loud and cheerful, just like it was before. Morgan was here enough before that they’re not awkward like I feared.
In time, I hope to fill the hole in their hearts. Maybe subconsciously they’ll realize that Liv’s not entirely gone. My purpose isn’t to crack old wounds open. I just want to hollow out a space of my own. True family doesn’t need blood ties; at the end of the day, they are the people who love you best, who laugh and cry with you, and who are always watching out the window when you come home.
Jason leaves first to catch the bus and Grant asks me, “Do you need a ride?”
I shake my head. “Clay is picking me up. If it’s okay, I’ll stop by the estate to get my car after school.”
“We don’t mind,” Jeannie says. “It’s not like you can’t afford gas and insurance.”
I smile. “Thanks for breakfast.”
Her answering smile melts into a concerned frown. “Are you sure you want to stay in Renton? Though things have quieted, I can’t imagine it’ll be easy. There are some great boarding school options. Mrs. Rhodes sent over a packet that your father had put together, before.”
There is some charm to the prospect of a fresh start. But I fought so long and so hard to get back here, I can’t pack my things straight off. “Let’s see how it goes. Maybe, if it’s awful, as a last resort…”
Jeannie nods, obviously reassured. “That’s all we can do, take it one day at a time. But let me know if it’s too much and I’ll help you with the paperwork.”
“Deal. See you this afternoon.”
To my surprise, she hugs me and kisses my cheek. Bittersweet delight floods me as I step out the front door to find Clay already waiting. He doesn’t wait for me to reach him; instead he closes the distance between us at a run and hauls me into his arms, so tight I can hardly breathe. But I don’t mind the intensity. His heartbeat hammers into mine like a promise.
“I was wrong,” he whispers into my hair. “I don’t care who you are. When you left and everything went quiet between us, it felt like dying.”
“I’m glad you got your priorities straight. And all I had to do was spend a few weeks in a mental-health facility,” I joke.
His grim look says he doesn’t find this amusing. “I’m sorry for what I put you through. It’s just that … giving things up for Nathan is kind of second nature at this point. I’m not doing that anymore.”
“Glad to hear it.” But a flicker of curtain tells me that Jeannie is watching us; it’s kind of nice to have that worry again. It means somebody cares what I’m doing. “But we should find a better place to continue this conversation.”
“Right,” he says, sheepish, glancing over my shoulder.
Waving in the general direction of the kitchen window, I get in the car and wait for Clay to decide where we’re going. He drives to the park near Renton High, an excellent choice as there aren’t many people at this hour, just the occasional jogger or dog walker. We park beneath the spreading branches of a stately live oak, the shadows granting considerable privacy.
“You were saying…?” I prompt.
“No more yielding to Nathan, disregarding what I want. Plus, it is up to you. And if I’m the lucky bastard, it’d be dumb as hell to walk away.” He takes my hand and flattens it on his heart, like he did before. “I can’t promise you a lot, except that I’ll be around until you don’t want me anymore. And I know full well that you’ll be leaving this town before me.”
No question I’m going to university. Johns Hopkins is still an attainable dream, if I play my cards right this year. Yet I can’t resist messing with him a little. “Well, yeah. There’s a boarding school in Austria with my name on it.”
His breath hitches, and he closes his eyes as if it hurts to look at me. “When … when are you going?”
“I’m not sure yet. A few things are still up in the air.”
“Like what?” he asks hoarsely.
“Whether my boyfriend asks me to stay.”
“Huh?” From his expression, he might’ve just been punched in the gut. “I’ll never be an anchor tying you here when you don’t want to be. I won’t ever be the reason your life is small.”
I sigh. “You can be such an idiot sometimes.”
Comprehension dawns, and he starts to smile when he realizes I’m teasing him. “Oh. Can I change my answer?”
“Please do.”
“Then stay. I want to wear that gray suit and dance with you under a dumb disco ball. I’ll see you off to college with a smile and visit as often as I can. Once Nathan graduates, he’s on his own, and I’ll be hot on your heels. No matter where you go, I’ll follow … and I’ll find a way to chase my dreams wherever you are.”
That may not be realistic but I don’t care. Right now it’s exactly what I want to hear. “Remember, your girlfriend is absurdly well-off. I’m sure I can grease the wheels.”
As I knew he would, Clay makes a face at this offer. “It’s enough to be with you.”
“I love you,” I whisper, forcing him to lean in to catch the words.
When he does, I kiss him because I’m not the sort of girl who waits around. This morning he tastes of mint and his lips are so hot on mine. His tongue does things that make me squirm, and we kiss for ages, like I don’t have to be at school. I run my lips over his jaw, across to his ear, and muss his hair wildly. Nipping gently, I can’t control the desire to put my mark on him, this beautiful misunderstood boy with such a strong, lovely heart.
“Okay, that’s enough,” he finally pants, breathing hard.
“For now.” I grin at his lack of composure, reveling in it. For me this is both familiar and brand new.
“Let’s get you to school or I’ll be tempted to take you home with me. I have the day off and some dirty inclinations.”
“Any other day, I might go for that. But I can’t get away with skipping. Jeannie will be watching me like a hawk for a while.”
“Is that what you call your mom?”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t plan to tell them … and prove it like you did with me?”
I shake my head. “Not yet. I’ll play it by ear, see if they notice. Even if they don’t, it’s all right. I’m in a good place now.”
At Riverglen, they would say that I have an undiagnosed mental illness—that I am not Liv and never was. They would say that I’ve always been Morgan Frost, and I built this elaborate self-delusion to cushion myself from an awful reality and layers of trauma.
But I know who I am and who I used to be. I can’t explain it, but this is what I know to be true: For the first sixteen years, I was Liv Burnham, and she is dead. I will live the remainder of my life as Morgan Frost. Maybe there will come a time when I don’t remember with such clarity. Years will blur my recollections until even I think I must’ve been mistaken … or ill.
That doesn’t matter either. They say perception is reality, and reality is whatever we can bring ourselves to accept at the time. So reality is relative, just like Einstein’s theory.
Clay kisses me once more and starts the car. “You’ll be cutting it close.”
“I always do.”
In a way I wish we’d arrived earlier, but maybe it’s better to run the gauntlet from the jump. People will stare and talk; this is inescapable. But I won’t be the most interesting aspect of school forever. Everything passes; this is both a comfort and a subtle threat. Spring blossoms turn into ripe fruit that hang heavy and drop, half-rotten, for the birds to eat. Life is an endless cycle, and I am only a small player on a gigantic stage.
Being philosophical helps a little.
“I’ll pick you up after school,” Clay says, smiling. “I have a surprise planned.”
“Looking forward to it.”
Bracing myself, I square my shoulders and climb out of Clay’s car. This is my first public appearance since my father killed himself.