Teo picks me up from work the next afternoon, waiting on his motorcycle that’s so clean the chrome glistens and sparkles in the sun. It’s been a couple of days since I first slept over—or rather, a couple of nights, because we’ve slept at each other’s places each one. Every moment together feels like it’s filled with something, a sense of meaning and purpose—even when we’re just hanging out in the back of his tattoo shop eating takeout and listening to Ginger tell stories behind his worst tattoos. I spend quite a bit of my free time (limited though it is) at Mandala now, waiting for him to finish working, or just passing time until we head home.

Even when he’s not there, spending time at Mandala makes me understand so much more about him. The way they never seem to judge anyone or anything, the way they can hear the wildest, craziest stories and not bat an eyelid. The general atmosphere of non-judgmental, easygoing acceptance of life’s problems and strangeness, and the self-assurance that comes from finally overcoming so much of it. The way Kayla treats Teo like an older brother, and the way customers treat him like some kind of rock star. I feel like I get it, finally. I get why Teo finally stopped running, now that he has this. Everyone around him so fiercely loyal, everything he does so passionately dedicated—as if anything less than this wouldn’t be worth sticking around for.

In a funny kind of way, my own life seems to start making sense, too. Like Teo was some final piece of the puzzle, and I can look at the bigger picture now. I don’t get off work and spend hours twisting myself in knots about it still. I don’t have that insidious sense of resentment for myself when I realize I’m not quite where I want to be in my career. The bills and responsibilities, Candace holding me back and Carlos treating me like his PA, they don’t take the spotlight in my thoughts anymore, they’re no longer the center of my life. And when they do start to get under my skin, a little time with Teo is all I need to forget it all.

Even with everything going so well, though, I still feel the weight of some nagging thought, like a chore that needs to be done. That question I know Teo is afraid I’ll ask again. It looms sometimes, in the silences, and even though I’m quick to change the mood, the subject—to let him know I’m in no rush to ask—there’s a sense of inevitability about it. Despite what he said that night in the alley, about the truth hurting us and doing irreparable damage. Because if we’re going to be together, he needs to tell me. No matter how bad it is, how hurt I might feel, I know we can get through it. He just needs to come clean.

Not now, though. For now this is too good to risk, too good to ruin.

He takes me down to Long Beach, and we barely say a word as we get off the bike, slipping off our shoes and taking each other’s hand to draw a slow path of scuffed steps across the sand, lazily gazing out to take in the ocean and each other. There’s always plenty to talk about, but we know we have plenty of time.

Eventually, Teo asks, “How’s work? You still filming stuff on your own?”

“Yeah, I am,” I sigh.

“Is there a problem?”

“No… Well…you remember it was about that yoga studio that all the celebrities love, right?”

“Of course. You told me all about it last week.”

She bites her lip before continuing. “Well, I was supposed to get some interviews with some of the celebs—you know, really make the segment sensational. It’s great as it is, but to really get the guys at Hollywood Night to sit up and take notice, I need some big names. The problem is, they’ve all fallen through. Dylan Marlowe and Gwen Rubens are filming up in Canada for the next few months. Michael Deore’s publicist is advising him not to do it, and Kristy Monte keeps saying she’s unsure until I get other confirmations. The only celebrity I have now is Sam Jennings.”

“Who’s Sam Jennings?”

I look up at him with dismay.

“Exactly.”

“Damn,” Teo says, putting an arm around me and pulling me to him sympathetically.

“Yeah,” I say. “At the end of the day, it just means I have to wait a little longer for the schedules to sync up. And I know it’ll come together. I just…want to get it going, you know?”

“Yeah. But I’m sure it’ll pay off in the end. Maybe you can film some of your other ideas in the meantime.”

“I’m going to,” I say, nodding with determination. “For sure.”

We walk on a little further, between the shrieking kids playing in the surf and the lazy chatter from the sunbathers. Feet covered in sand now, Teo takes my hand and leads me to where the waves push and pull, so our toes sink into the wet sand, water massaging our calves beneath our rolled-up jeans.

“Oh, hey,” I say, suddenly remembering. “Are you free this Saturday?”

Teo squints at the sun as he thinks for a moment.

“Yeah. I think I am. Gotta put in a few hours at the shop, but I’ll be done by four.”

“You like barbecue, right?”

Teo spins me around to face him, his hands pushing back hair from the side of my face.

“The word alone makes me wanna bite something,” he says, playfully swooping on my neck as I try to fend him off.

“Good,” I say, wrapping my arms around his waist and looking up at him. “My sister is having a get-together at her place this weekend and I thought we could go. It’ll be fun.”

Teo’s playfulness disappears almost instantly, turning into a wincing withdrawal as he pulls away from me.

“Aah…I’m not so sure about that,” he says, reluctantly.

“What? It’s just a barbecue, Teo.”

“I know…but…”

“Come on! It’s just my sister—well, and some of my family.”

He grimaces. “Your dad?”

I shake my head and try to smile reassuringly. I understand Teo’s reservations, but this is really important to me. “No, he’s in NYC this month, helping some senator with a bill or something.”

“I never really knew your sister,” he muses.

“Right, so there’s no weird history between you. Nothing to be afraid of. It’d be a good first step for you...for us.”

“Eh…”

“She’s celebrating the third-year anniversary of being elected mayor. It’ll be fun. Food, booze,” I stroke his arm and smile mischievously, “a big house with lots of empty rooms if we wanna get away for a bit…”

Teo’s smile looks like it’s pasted on, and he rubs the back of his neck like he’s trying to remove a shackle from it.

“Politicians and all that…I wouldn’t even know what to talk about. It just doesn’t really sound like my kind of scene, Ash. I’d only draw attention to myself—and away from you having a good time with your family.”

I glare at him for a few seconds, then exhale.

“You think Mandala was my kind of scene?” I say, sounding more annoyed than I want to. “Tattoo artists and rock stars? Runaways and transplants? Where all the stories involve brushes with the law and living broke? Christ, I don’t even have a tattoo myself! You think I didn’t feel like an outsider when I first met your friends?”

“That’s different.”

“How? Because they were your friends?”

“Because they’re open-minded, they’re cool with everyone,” Teo says, then frowns a little. “I thought you liked hanging out there, with them?”

“I do—that’s the point. I gave your ‘world’ a chance, and I liked it. It made me feel closer to you. Why can’t you do the same for me?”

His jaw tightens. “I came to your work drinks, didn’t I?”

“For all of about two minutes. During which you got in a fight with my boss and probably made my relationship with her go from bad to worse.”

“It’s not my fault your boss pounced on me like a cougar in heat.”

Teo shakes his head, his hands clenching a little with the anxiety of what I’m asking him. I look away, the happy kids playing in the waves now seeming a little farther away, the waves brushing against our ankles now a little irritating.

“Is this what it’s always going to be like, Teo? You want me to keep you a secret? Hide you away from my family just like we used to?”

“Of course not.”

“Then what is it?”

Teo heaves a big breath that puffs his chest out, then shrugs a little.

“I just figured we’d spend a little more time like this, enjoying each other, before we start doing the whole ‘family’ thing. This is good, right now—why risk putting all this weight on it?”

I laugh sadly, shaking my head as I turn away, unable to look at him as he says these things.

“My mistake,” I say to the ocean. “Maybe I got a little ahead of myself—maybe I’m a little more into this than you are. I thought we were a couple. Adults in an actual relationship.”

“Ash,” Teo says, stepping in front of me and putting his hands on my arms. “How can you even say that? We’re in this. Together.”

“How can we be when all it takes is a barbecue at my sister’s for you to start pulling back? Is that how fragile all of this really is?”

“Come on, Ash. This is ridiculous. It’s no big deal. I just don’t wanna go to some dumb barbecue.”

My eyes narrow in anger, and I see in Teo’s shifting gaze that he regrets saying that.

“Dumb?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

“Dumb,” I say, nodding.

“I shouldn’t have said it. You’ve backed me into a corner—”

“No. It’s good to know where you’re at.”

“Ash…”

“You know what this feels like, Teo?” I say, slowing down to make sure he hears me. “It feels like you making sure you don’t get in too deep. Like you’re keeping the exit doors open. You know, ever since that first night I spent at your place, I thought there was something…I don’t know, something you were holding back.”

“That’s nothing to do with you. That’s just…just another problem on my mind.”

I nod.

“Another problem you won’t tell me about. Another problem that you want to keep all boxed up in your separate little world.”

“Ash,” Teo says, moving closer now with determination, putting his hands on the sides of my face so he can look me straight in the eyes, forcing me to see the honesty in his own, “this is crazy. I’ll come. I didn’t know it meant this much to you, that’s all. I’ll come, I’ll wear a nice shirt, I’ll drink my beer out of a glass and eat my burger with a fork for you. Ok?”

I look at him and smile politely, but I wonder whether he can really brush it off so easily. It was always so simple for me and Teo to just be together, hanging out, doing things together, being intimate…but through all those years of high school I would sometimes wonder how it would be when we faced the world, actually existing in public as a couple. I’d struggle to imagine introducing Teo to my friends, my family, and having him fit in well. Too much of a loner, too comfortable playing by his own rules.

And what if he can’t?

“You know…maybe you shouldn’t…” I say, then stop myself. “Never mind.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” I say, nodding slowly. “I’m sure it’ll be great.”

But as he takes me in his arms again, I can’t help praying I’m not horribly wrong.