Chapter 19

Chris

It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I said what I had to say and that’s all I can do. Now it’s up to her. If she really doesn’t want anything to do with me – then I guess I’ll just have to accept that. But everything in me is praying she understands.

I poured my soul out to her. I’ve never spoken like that to anyone before about my father, let alone a girl. The guys on the team know the general story about what happened with him, how he went to Alaska and bailed on me, but it was more of a joke or a comment here and there than an actual discussion. I just can’t talk about stuff like that with any of the guys on the team.

But with Janelle, I feel like I can tell her anything and she’d understand. The way she was looking at me made me feel insanely vulnerable but also completely secure at the same time. It’s like she could see into me but didn’t judge me. I teared up like an idiot and she didn’t even flinch. In fact, I think she liked seeing me be that vulnerable in front of her.

Smelling her gets me every time. She just smells like home. It’s hard to believe we’ve only seen each other a few times, because it feels like a lifetime. I feel like I’ve known her my whole life.

Max…that’s my son’s name.

I hope he likes the football. It’s not like I need him to grow up to be a football player like dad – I mean, I’d be supportive of my son in anything he wants to do, but I thought it would be a nice thing to give him. Every young boy likes to run around and get his energy out.

I wonder what he’s like. Visions of all the things we could do together race through my head like a movie on fast forward. He’s already walking, and I hate the fact that I missed that, but there’s so much more to do with him. Teach him to run and play football, to read, how to deal with bullies at school and watch him learn and grow into a man.

And all the while, I’d have Janelle by my side, experiencing it all with me.

I want to head to my father’s old house, but I don’t really have anything over there yet. All my clothes, my toothbrush – it’s all at my place, so I head there. I half expect there to be a few guys from the team throwing a party or something. They’ve been known to do that. But thankfully, no one’s here.

I park and head inside. For some reason, the house feels cold and uninviting. My old mentality is just soaked all over the place. I can remember the strippers, the fan girls, the parties and all the mayhem that I thought I wanted in my life, and it makes my skin crawl.

I’ll sell this place and, if Janelle and I end up together, we’ll move into the place my father left me. Maybe one of the boys on the team will take this place off my hands and save me the hassle of putting it on the market. I don’t really care if I don’t make any money. Hell, I’d take a loss just to get rid of the place.

I brush my teeth, take a shower and collapse onto the bed, my mind swimming with thoughts of Janelle, Max and what my life could be. I hear the sound of a train as I close my eyes.

I hope she understands, I think as I feel myself slipping away into sleep. I hope…

* * *

I wake up feeling energized – refreshed, but also anxious as all Hell. I want to grab my phone and call Janelle, but I realize I still don’t have her number and it’s probably a good thing too. She needs time. I try to put myself in her shoes and think about how I would feel, and if I were her, I’d want time to think.

But that doesn’t do anything to calm me down. My next thought is to hop in the car, speed across town, knock on her door and ask her how she feels. She’d throw her arms around me and tell me she understands and wants to be with me. At least that’s what I hope would happen.

I roll out of bed and head downstairs and grab some cereal. There’s really nothing else in the house. I’m on the road so much that food ends up going bad if I leave it here and I never really spent much time cooking for myself anyway.

I wonder what she’s up to right now…

She’s probably up already. Kids wake up early as Hell. Is she making him breakfast too? Or playing with him? I realize I’ve spent so little time around actual mothers that I don’t even know what goes into a typical day when you have a kid that age.

But I’d like to find out.

My mind jumps around like a ping pong ball hit into a corner. From thoughts of selling the house, to telling my mom about my decision, to wondering how Janelle is going to react or get in touch with me. It’s weird in this day and age not to have someone’s phone number, but I’m happy we’re not communicating that way yet.

I can only imagine the passionate, thoughtless texts one of us would have sent to the other by now. But this way, we both at least have some time to think about our feelings before we say them out loud.

I’d thought about how to tell Janelle about my father for two years, but I still just ended up rambling like I hadn’t rehearsed that speech a thousand times.

I guess I’ll have to go see her sometime. But when? Today? Tomorrow? A week from now? How much time does she need? Or should I wait for her to get in touch with me?

But how would she do that? She doesn’t have my number, and I feel like asking her to make up her mind and then drive over here to tell me is a little much. I’m the one that has to make things up to her, not the other way around.

But wouldn’t that be awesome?

What am I? A hopeless romantic here?

Playing out scenarios with Janelle in my mind like I’m writing a movie or something. But, man…that would be fucking amazing to just hear a knock on the door, pull it open and see her standing there.

“I want to be with you.” Would she say that? What would I say back?

I shake my head and laugh at myself and shovel another spoonful of cereal into my mouth. Don’t be a fucking idiot! I’ll just keep going about my life and if Janelle comes around – she comes around. There’s no use running through a million different scenarios in my mind that may or may not happen. It’ll just drive me crazy.

I scoop the last of the cereal into my mouth and just as I’m getting up to put the bowl in the sink – I hear the doorbell.

No – fucking – way.

I freeze like it might be someone ready to break in and kill me and I have to be as quiet as possible. Maybe I’m just hearing things…

Then it rings again.

It can’t be. There’s just no way. Was I really just imagining Janelle coming over here and telling me she wanted to be with me, and now she’s at the door?

It must be like the mailman or something, or somebody with a package. Except I didn’t order anything and everyone knows to just leave stuff at the steps.

Maybe it’s one of the guys from the team? But it’s way too early for them and they don’t ring the bell just once. They bang on the door and ring it a thousand times like some obnoxious teenagers while shouting my name.

And it’s not my mom. She would have called first. So who the Hell could it be besides her?

It has to be her.

A smile comes over my face as I set the bowl down and head for the front door. This is going better than I’d expected. Just one day ago I was all nerves, freaking the fuck out about what to do with her and where things were going to go, and now it feels like everything is just falling into place – like we’re completely vibing on the same wavelength.

I should have known how she felt about me and that things would all work out in the end. If she’s driving over here it’s definitely good news. There’s no way she’d come all this way to tell me she didn’t want to be with me. She’d just wait for me to come by and then break it to me.

Smiling like a goofy teenage boy, I pull the door open—

And almost have a heart attack.