CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

1989/2014

The following years saw Carnage go on to bigger and better things. Our tours were worldwide and we played at the biggest stadiums in the biggest cities. Our albums were multiplatinum selling, and our singles always went to number one.

In our personal lives, all of us, but Maca, became fathers. Some of us a lot sooner than expected. It turns out I knocked up Ash the very first time we had sex.

What a champ.

In March 1990, Ash gave birth to our son. Watching what she went through to give me a gift I’d never be able to thank her enough for, was the most moving experience of my life.

I’d like to say that Ash was amazing and coped brilliantly with the labour, but I’d be lying. She was a fucking nightmare.

She screamed at me, the midwives, and doctors, and when a team of student obstetricians came into the room to ask some questions, she threw her jug of water at them.

Finally, when none of us could take any more, the anaesthetist arrived to set her up with an epidural. I requested he put it in her jaw, but apparently that’s not standard practice, so I got a no.

The rest of the labour was a piece of piss. No idea why women bang on about that shit.

Joe was delivered safely after just twenty-eight hours of unnecessary ranting and raving from my wife.

Calm yourselves, women of the world! I’m joking. I will never, ever understand why any woman would choose to go back and do that more than once. I was in pain just from watching the pain she was going through and it’s something that will stay with me forever.

When Joe was put into my arms and wrapped all of his little fingers around one of mine, the world fell from under my feet. I quite literally fell onto the bed next to Ash, and as the doctors cleaned and stitched her up, we both stared at him in wonder. He was totally and utterly perfect.

I would give up everything that I’d ever achieved in my life for this one success. In my head, I prayed to a God I’ve never been quite sure existed and asked him to help make me the dad that this little boy deserved and as I did. Joe opened up his eyes and looked right at me and I knew that I would do anything, lay down my life, sell my corrupt soul to the devil if necessary, to love and protect him for the rest of my days.

Within the space of five years, we’d added two little girls to our tribe, and within six, Len and Jimmie had two of each. When you added Billy and Tom’s five to the mix, touring sometimes became crazy.

I wanted Ash and the kids with me when I was away, but waking up a five and three-year-old at three in morning to get off a plane when it’s below freezing outside, is not fun. Add a newborn to the mix and it actually becomes a nightmare.

My kids woke up starving at two am and were ready for bed at eleven in the morning by the time they were on their fourth time zone in ten days. They were miserable, Ash was miserable, and I just felt guilty.

On the few occasions they did stay home, I’d end up exhausted due to flying back to them on our days off.

On top of that was the press. The fucking press and their ridiculous, made up stories. We were nowhere near as wild as we were in the early days, but we still liked to party and you could always guarantee that if there were women in the room, a photograph would somehow be leaked of them standing within a twenty foot radius of myself or Maca.

Georgia was never very far from Maca’s side, but for Ash, being the one sitting at home with three kids, sometimes the rumours were hard on her. Picking up the paper every day to read who your husband was apparently fucking was no fun.

Luckily, we were tight. I missed her and the kids like fuck when we were apart, and Georgia always backed me up when the stories got too much for her.

I’ve never strayed. Not ever. Ash and I had a threesome once with another woman, but even then, she was all about Ash and didn’t touch me.

I could go into detail about that experience, but my wife will have my balls and my kids might read this so yeah, not happening. You’ll all just have to use your dirty minds.

I totally understood why George and Maca held off on having kids. Touring with them put a massive strain on our marriage, and we’d have some huge blow-ups because we were both so tired and stressed. Studio time was the best time for us. It meant I could be home for dinner most nights and able to bathe and tuck my kids into bed. That’s all I wanted from life, my family. The rock and roll lifestyle held no appeal to me anymore. Like I said, we still liked to party, but I did it with my wife beside me nowadays. Ash and I have always had a fiery relationship, we’re both passionate people, so that will never change.

George and Maca finally decided to tie the knot in October of 1998. The stars finally aligning to put us all together in the same place at the same time.

We had just finished a short tour of the States and were taking a break in Florida before flying home.

Maca brought my mum, Dad, Bailey, and Sam over and the happy couple said their ‘I do’s’ in front of us all on a beach in St Petersburg at sunset. The day was perfect; chilled, laid back, and without a single member of the press in sight.

The happy couple delayed their honeymoon until the following year and then took off on a world tour of their own, spending most of their time in Australia.

I did very little in 1999, except kick back and enjoy time with my family. We’d stayed on in Florida, loving it so much that we’d bought a house there before we left, three weeks later.

We had been booked to play at the opening game of a European football competition in September and George and Maca returned from their travels just before then.

The album we had released the year before had been recorded in the South of France, and the bloke that owned the studio was also part owner of one of the teams that were playing. He’d invited the whole production team to watch the game from a private box.

Carla was in attendance. It was the first time we’d been in her company since Maca’s wedding and I could tell straight away she wasn’t happy. She’d started the evening ignoring us, but as she got slowly pissed up, she got brave.

“Dude, you seriously have to get her away from me, otherwise I’m leaving.” Maca told me quietly over his beer. It was the third time Carla had tried to engage him in conversation and he’d brushed her off.

“I don’t understand what her problem is. You’ve been back with G for years. She must’ve known that you’d get married at some stage.”

He let out a long sigh before looking me in the eye.“She didn’t. She’s always thought that G and I were bad for each other, and that she and I should be together.”

I fucking knew I didn’t like the girl.

“And how the fuck do you know that?” I asked, sliding from best mate to big brother mode in an instant.

“Because she’s told me, more than once.” He admitted.

“And you’ve said what? Told her to fuck off, I hope.”

“Yeah, pretty much. I love my wife, Marls, you and me both know that. I’m not interested in Carla. She was a diversion. Even when I was seeing her, it was nothing more than sex and a bit of company. I told her from the start that it wouldn’t lead anywhere.”

“Don’t think she got the memo, mate.” I told him as I watched Carla sway towards us.

“Maca, can we talk? Can we go somewhere in private and talk please?” She stood in front of him and asked.

His eyes swung to me, looking for help.

“We’re here to watch the game, Carla. Call on Monday to talk business.” I told her.

“I want to have a private conversation with Sean, if that’s all right with you, Marley.” She spat back.

“No, Carla, we can’t go anywhere and talk. Anything you’ve gotta say, you can say it here.” Maca finally spoke up for himself and told her.

“You sure?” she asked, and I got a horrible feeling in my belly.

“Absolutely.” He reassured her.

“Why’d you marry her, Mac? You know how much I love you, so why would you just take off and marry her like that?”

Maca’s eyes dart all around the room as Carla stands in front of him and cries. Luckily there was a ban on the press in private boxes, so we were amongst friends.

“Are you fucking delusional?” I asked her. “They’ve been together since she was eleven years old. Whatever made you think they wouldn’t get married?”

She glared at me for a few seconds. “You have no clue about me and him, no fucking clue, so why don’t you stay the fuck out of our business.”

“So come on, enlighten me? He’s married to my sister so no, I won’t stay the fuck out of your business when it involves my family.”

The little bitch was pissing me off and Maca was pissing me off for not shutting her down.

“Carla, what we had was ten years ago. I don’t know what you—”

“What we had was a fucking baby, Maca. That’s what we had.”

Oh fuck!

“Wh-What d’ya mean, a baby? When? What are you talking about?” Maca’s eyebrows were drawn together in confusion.

“You fucked me, just before you went off on your holiday to Ibiza. You fucked me and you got me pregnant.”

My heart beat so loud, I swear it could be heard over the crowd cheering.

“Well, what happened? Where’s... I don’t understand?” Maca stuttered out. He had beads of sweat forming on his forehead, and I had them running down my back.

“You wouldn’t take my calls,” she said through gritted teeth.

“I was back with Gia.” He replied, using the same tone.

“Yeah, and didn’t I know it. Well, good for you and your happy new life, and tough fucking luck for me and the mess you’d left me in.”

“I didn’t fucking know.” Maca shouted, bringing the room to a standstill.

“Well, if you’d replied to any of the messages I left you, then you would have.”

“So what? What happened? What did you do?” I could hear the panic rising in Maca’s voice as he asked.

A secret kid is so not what he and George needed thrown into the mix right now—not at any time, really.

“I murdered it. I went to an abortion clinic and had all traces of you sucked right out of me.”

Maca’s eyes closed for an instant before opening, filled with tears.

“Why? Why would you do that?” He asked quietly.

“Why not? You didn’t want me. I wasn’t gonna be stuck with a kid on my own.”

“You wouldn’t have been on your own.” He wiped a tear from under his eye as he spoke.

“No? You would’ve left her and come back to me, would ya?”

He shakes his head no. “I’ll never leave her, not in this life time, not in the next.”

“And that’s why I did it. If I couldn’t have you, then why should I have your kid?”

She is seriously a piece of fucking work, this girl.

“I would’ve helped, I would’ve been there... I would—”

“I wanted you.” It was her turn to shout now. “I wanted all of you, not just a part-time dad for my baby. I wanted you, us, together as a family.”

Maca just stood there, shaking his head no.

“Mac, come on, mate. Let’s get out of here.” I reached out and touched the top of his arm.

His brown eyes looked across to mine. “I didn’t know, Marls. I didn’t fucking know.”

“I believe ya, mate. Come on, let’s get out of here. We’ll see if Len can change our flight and get us home to the girls earlier.”

“Oh, that’s right, drag him back to wifey.”

I’ve never hit a girl, but I swear to God I came close that night. I spun around to face her.

“You little bitch. Just shut your fucking mouth and fuck off out of my sight. You’ve had plenty of chances to tell him all this over the years, plenty of ways you could’ve contacted him and explained. Why the fuck would you do it like this, here tonight, in front of everyone?”

“Because he should’ve married me, not her, me.” She roared.

“You are off your fucking head if you think that was ever gonna happen.” I pointed at Macca’s neck.

“You’ve seen the words, it’s only her, it’ll always only ever be her. Get your fucking head around that, else you can kiss your career goodbye and never work for us again.”

I grab Maca’s arm and lead him out the doors.

Milo was waiting for us outside and he called Len, who didn’t come to the game, but lined up a couple of meetings for that evening instead. Len contacted the private plane company, but they couldn’t get us a pilot straight away, so we went back to our hotel where Len met back up with us.

“What the fuck’s happened.” Was Len’s first response as I let him into Maca’s room.

We’d had a bottle of Jim Beam sent up to the room and had sat in silence for the ten minutes we’d had alone before Lennon arrived.

He looked at both of us and noting our sombre mood, he changed his tone. “What happened ... is something wrong?”

My chest felt tight, so I let out a long sigh before speaking. “Maca had a bit of a run in with Carla.” I started.

“Carla, producer Carla?”

I nodded my head, prepared to continue, but Maca interceded.

“I was seeing her on and off right up until I got back with G.” He admitted.

“Well, I think we all knew that, Mac. You never said it but I think we all knew something was going on between the two of you. What’s the problem then?” He asked while pouring himself a drink.

Maca looked up, his eyes moving from Len, to me, and back again.

“Apparently, the last time we were together, I got her pregnant and she had an abortion. She’s held on to some misplaced belief that me and her would get back together. Tonight’s the first time I’ve seen her since the wedding. She’s pissed off and decided to tell me and the rest of the room her pregnancy story.”

“Fuck.” Len stated as he sat down on the sofa next to Maca.

“I’ve never liked that girl. Now I know why.” I told them both as I sat down in the wing backed chair facing them.

“Yeah, you’ve said before.” Len confirmed what I’d told him a few times.

“How you feeling, Mac? That couldn’t have been good to hear, or the best way to find out?” Len asked.

“Like a complete cunt.”

“You didn’t know, mate. What were you supposed to do?” He looked at me for a few seconds before answering.

“How would you feel if that was your baby?”

I got goose bumps. If he’d asked me that when I was younger, I’d have just been relieved it had been taken care of, but now, since Ash? Since becoming a father? I filled up at his question. I could only nod my head, unable to speak past the lump in my throat.

“Exactly.”

“I’m sorry, dude, I really am.” Len said.

We were all quiet for a few moments, none of us wanting to address the elephant in the room. Thankfully, it was Maca that spoke first. “I don’t want Gia knowing about this. I’ll tell her, but just not right now. We’re trying for a baby at the moment and I’d hate for her to doubt my commitment. And I don’t want her flying off the handle either. You know what she’s like.”

I looked across to my brother and we both shrugged. 

“Your call, mate, but you sure she won’t go public with this?” Len asked.

“Not if she wants to keep her job.” I told him.

“Well, they’re signed for the next two albums. We start recording in January. Hope this isn’t gonna be a problem?”

Maca shook his head no. “I’m pissed off with the way she told me, but I understand why she’s so angry. I’ll talk to her, we’ll keep it professional.”

I shrugged and shook my head. I personally thought he should stay the fuck away from her, but if he thought he could handle her shit, then on his head be it.

On New Year’s Eve of 1999, we played in New York’s Time Square. Georgia surprised the shit out of us all when she walked out on stage and told Maca that she’s pregnant.

The celebrations that followed were of epic proportions. The babies were all at home in England with my parents, so even Len and Jimmie partied like it was 1999. (You see what I did there)?

By the time we land back in England though, things took a frightening turn for the worst, and Georgia was rushed into the hospital.

Her pregnancy was ectopic and she lost her baby, and nearly lost her life. Maca nearly lost them both, as well as his mind.

Jim, Len and myself were waiting outside the room they’d taken George into when suddenly all hell broke loose. An alarm sounded, doctors and nurses came running from every direction, and when the shout went out for the crash team, I threw up in the rubbish bin.

George was wheeled past us on a trolley, a team of medical professionals working on her. I stepped into the room to find Maca in a chair, sobbing.

“Mac, what happened?”

He looked up at me, his eyes almost vacant. His face was a mess of snotty tears.

“The pregnancy is ectopic and they think it’s ruptured. She has internal bleeding.” He can’t hold back the sobs anymore. “She went into shock, then cardiac arrest where they couldn’t get the blood pumped into her fast enough.”

Jimmie walked past me and wrapped her arms around Maca, holding him as he cried.

The next few weeks were hard. George moved back to my parents’ place so that my mum could look after her. We were busy working on a new album in the studios Maca had had built in the grounds of their home in Hampstead. That’s where we were most days. We had the usual team working with us, which included the delightful Carla.

George and Maca had bought an old farmhouse just up the road from us and now that George was up and about, she was working with the builders and designers to modernise the place. She still looked pale and was very quiet, but at least she was focused on something, although she still hadn’t moved back home and was still staying out at my parents’ place.

I’d worked out that things were a little strained. I could understand George going to my mums for a week maybe, but this had been almost two months.

I’d stayed over at Maca’s one night after a late recording session and we’d smoked a little weed and enjoyed a few glasses of Glenmorangie when he said to me, “I think I’m losing her.”

“Who?” I knew who, I was just trying to gather my thoughts before I spoke.

“Gia. I’ve asked her to come home but she’s said no. She’s not ... we... when I go over and stay at your mum’s, she barely says a word. It’s been over six weeks, Marls. I know that this isn’t something that we’ll ever forget happened, but it’s like she’s just holding on to it, like she’s punishing herself.” He knocked back what was in his glass while I remained silent, letting him talk.

“She was like this for a while the other year, just after we got back from Australia—distant. I put it down to the fact that she hadn’t fallen pregnant straight away, but then we bought the new house and she seemed happier.” He took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “I was worried then that there was something going on between her and Cameron King.”

Whoa.

“You remember when the girls went to the opening of his new club and ran into Haley White?”

I shifted in my seat, memories of that weekend making me feel uncomfortable. 

It was the weekend Carla had come out with her little secret. We’d eventually hired a pilot to get us home early that night. The girls had called us numerous times to let us know that there’d been a bit of an incident between Haley White and George. Because of Carla’s revelations, we’d all chosen not to answer our phones, too worried to speak to them in case they picked up on the fact that something was wrong.

Jimmie was like an intelligence officer in the way she didn’t miss a trick. Ash was like the Spanish Inquisition when she knew she wasn’t getting a straight answer. George ... George just had Maca wrapped around her little finger and she’d soon having him spilling his guts. Perhaps that would’ve been a good thing, getting it all out in the open, but that wasn’t what he wanted and so I’d committed to the lie, never speaking again about it to anyone, including my wife.

“The day after, on the Sunday when we got home, there were all sorts of pictures of them together. I thought that maybe something had happened that night.”

“Georgia was with the girls all night.” I tried to reassure him. There had been a lot of rumours about those photos, and the way Cam was looking at her.

“And you don’t think they’d back her one hundred percent and lie for her if they had to?” That thought pissed me off.

“Ash wouldn’t lie to me.” I told him.

“Nah? You told Ash about what Carla said that night?”

Oh. I let out a long breath and shake my head no.

“We all have secrets, mate. Even the best of marriages have secrets.”

It actually caused a pain in my chest to think that. I hated the idea that Ash kept secrets from me. Double standards, I know, but yeah, I’m a bloke. It’s how we operate.

“She’d told me years before that when we first got together that she was in love with him, but she’d never realised it when they were together. When she left him for me, he told her, and he told Ash if you remember, that he loved her, but would step aside if that’s what made her happy.”

I think back to the day George had disappeared with someone from Cam’s staff and no one could find her for six hours. I remember Ash saying that day that Cam had told her he was in love with my sister.

“You only had to look at the way he looked at her in those photos to know he still felt the same way, and I’ve got a feeling its mutual.”

He sipped his drink and waited for my reaction.

“But that was only last year. Those photos were only a year ago.”

“It was the year before, but close enough. Anyway, after those pictures came out, she was a bit weird. I can’t put my finger on what kind of weird, just ... I dunno? Nervy, jumpy. Then when we found the new house, she went from loving it to not being sure overnight. One minute it was perfect, the next it was wrong. I thought she was just making excuses, and that she didn’t want to buy something new with me because she was planning on leaving me for him.”

“Fuck, you never said anything. Why didn’t you say? I would’ve had Ash ask her?”

He looked right at me, “Coz if she was gonna go, I didn’t wanna know about it.”

Poor fucking bloke. I felt so bad for him in that moment. Between my sister and Carla, I was surprised he had any faith in women at all.

“Anyway, this, how she’s behaving this time, is worse—much worse. I feel like she’s completely shut me out, Marls, like this has only happened to her. It was my baby too. I thought I was gonna lose them both. While she was having surgery, I actually sat and thought about how I would kill myself if she didn’t make it.”

I let out a long breath at that. I had no words because I totally understood where he was coming from. If anything had happened to Ash before we had kids, I wouldn’t have wanted to live either. Now, it was different. I wouldn’t want to, but I’d carry on for the sake of our babies. I shuddered because the thought alone was too horrible to contemplate.

“I know this is easy for me to say, Mac, but you just gotta give her time. You know what George is like. She deals with things a bit different than the rest of us. She shuts everyone out until she’s ready to face things again. It’s how she was when you two broke up. Just give her time, but keep reminding her that you’re there for her as soon as she’s ready to move forward.”

He’s poured us both another drink. “I just... I miss her. I miss her company. I miss our chats when we go to bed, I miss waking up with her. I miss her shit all over the bathroom and listening to her sing in the shower. I even miss her crap cooking.”

“Nah, I’m not having that. George is the only person I know that can burn a salad.” I tried some humour. My sister could hold a tune, no problem, but could not cook for shit.

“I just miss human contact.”

I talk to Ash the next day and she tells me that she’ll have a chat with Jimmie and arrange a girl’s night out and try and work out what’s going on with George. 

When Maca and G split up when we were younger, I was clueless to what he was going through. I had no concept of love and the emotions involved. Back then, I could see no further than the next orifice to fill. Now it was different. Now I totally understood. Ash was my world and I fully understood where he was coming from.

Two nights later, I went from wanting to help my brother-in-law out, to wanting to throttle the fucker.

We had a break from recording so I’d spent the day with Ash and the kids, just doing normal things. I’d taken them to school and because it had snowed, we’d built a snowman after I’d picked them up. I’d let them toast marshmallows in front of our open fire and they’d eaten them as they drank their Ovaltine before I tucked them into bed.

Ash had gone over to Jim’s for dinner with George the night before, but had nothing to report. George had repeatedly stated that she was fine, and remained pretty much silent other than that. I decided to drive over to Maca’s to see how he was doing, picking up a bottle of whiskey on the way.

Because the house was behind key coded security gates, despite being in London, the front door was never locked, which is a shame, really.

I stood in silence for a few seconds, my brain trying to process what was going on.

Maca was leaning with his back against the marble bench top, arms spread wide, his knuckles white as he gripped the edges. His head was tilted towards the ceiling with his eyes squeezed shut.

His shirt was unbuttoned, as was the top button of his jeans.

Carla was kissing down his chest as she stroked her fingers over his abbs.

If I’d had a gun, I would’ve shot them both. Extreme, I know, but that’s how pissed off I was with the pair of them—him for being such a fucking idiot, her for being so devious as to attack while he was weak and vulnerable.

Yeah, I know it takes two and all that, but they were in his house. She’d obviously come to him. Not that that made him any less to blame, but she should’ve stayed the fuck away.

I watched in silence as Carla attempted to slide her hand inside Maca’s trousers. I held my breath, I swear even my heart stopped beating as I hoped and prayed that he would do the right thing.

Without even looking down, he grabbed her wrist and stopped her hand moving any lower. Carla stared down at his hand around her wrist for a few moments and I decided then would be a good time to make my presence known. 

To this day I can’t believe how calm I managed to make my voice sound when I spoke.

“I’m just gonna leave this bottle on the table here. I think it’ll help with the guilt later, Mac, when you wake the fuck up to yourself and realise that you’ve just made the second biggest mistake of your life.”

I stood and waited for their reactions.

Carla turned and smiled at me. Maca started to cry.

“Get out.” I told her. “Get the fuck out and do not ever set foot near him, us, or our band again.”

She stood up straight and walked towards me.

“Your sisters a cunt. She won him back once, but I’m fighting to keep him this time.”

“My sister might be a cunt, but don’t ever underestimate what those two have between them, sweetheart.” I gritted my teeth as I spoke.

“If what they have is so fucking special, then what’s this? What was that we were just doing?” She snarled like a rabid fucking dog.

“That, like I said, was the second biggest mistake of his life.” I nodded my head to where Maca was still standing. His shoulders shook as he cried, his jeans and shirt still open.

“See, you’re so inconsequential, sweetheart, that you don’t even take the top spot for fuck ups. If the number one spot didn’t finish them, then you sure as shit won’t. Now move along.”

She stared at me for a few seconds. “Oh,” I added, “if word of this is ever repeated, I’ll know, and I’ll make sure that you never find work in this industry again. Now FUCK.OFF!”

She left. When I looked back at Maca, I noticed the coke lined up on the kitchen bench top.

“I wanna kick the living fucking shit outta you right now, but that’ll have my sister asking questions. Do up your jeans and sort yourself the fuck out.”

He did as he was told and turned to look at me.

“What the fuck have I done ... what the fuck have I done?” He bent himself in half and threw up all over his kitchen tile.

“Fuck’s sake.” I grabbed him by the arm and marched him upstairs to his bedroom.

“Get yourself showered and sort your shit out. You’re going over to my mum’s, and you’re gonna be the husband that my sister needs. That—what you did down there—will never, ever be talked about again. Are we clear?”

He blinked a few times, but remained silent. I slapped him. I actually slapped him like a little bitch. I wanted to punch his fucking lights out, but that would leave bruises and cause questions, so instead, I cracked him right around the face.

“Are we fucking clear?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Anything you’ve got going on with her ends right now. You will never see her again.”

“There’s not ... it wasn’t ... she turned up with weed and coke and she was just ... there’s nothing going on. Nothing has ever happened since I’ve been back with G, I swear, Marls. Tonight was a mistake, a giant fucking mistake.” He started to cry again. “I’m lonely, so fucking lonely. She won’t let me touch her. I just wanna love my wife. I want us to be able to grieve together and I wanna make her better.” He pulled an ugly face as he sobbed and blew snot bubbles out of his nose, which just made me wanna crack him again.

“Well banging the staff ain’t gonna achieve that is it, Einstein? Now stop fucking snivelling, grow some balls, get in the shower and go and get your wife back.”

I was shaking from head to toe. The urge to go and hoover the rest of the marching powder up my nose almost overwhelming, but me and Ash, we had a pact. We only did that shit together nowadays, that way neither of us did anything stupid without the other. Perhaps I should pass that tip on to Maca, the stupid prick.

A week later, Maca and George were sunning themselves in the Caribbean. Things were a little tense between him and me for a while, but we moved on. Yeah, I was pissed off with him, but as a bloke, I sort of got it. It wasn’t right and I should’ve been loyal to my sister, but I’d seen those two apart and I knew that the world didn’t work properly when that happened. Neither of them were perfect, but they were perfect together.

I was just leaving the sports hall at Joe’s school when my mobile phone rang. His football training had been moved inside because of the snow that had fallen on and off all week.

It had hit England early this year. February was usually our coldest month, but today was only the first of December and it was bitter.

“Big brother Lennon.” I pressed the key fob to unlock the car and let Joe in as I answered the call.

“You need to get to the Royal Free as soon as you can.”

My blood stopped pumping and my insides instantly became as cold as the snow under my feet.

“What, why?”

“George and Maca have been in an accident. It’s bad, Marls. Really bad.”

I got in my car and suddenly I was driving along. My phone was on speaker and Len was telling me that Bailey and my parents were on their way. My brain slowed. I couldn’t think. I had to get Joe home. Ash would want to come with me. The girls were at dancing. What was I gonna do with Joe? The girls?

“Marls, are you listening to me?”

I was listening, but I didn’t hear a word.

“Dave is on his way to your house. He’ll stay with the kids so that you and Ash can come to the hospital. You need to drive carefully, but you need to hurry. Do you understand what I’m saying, Marls? They might not make it. You need to hurry.”

The traffic and sounds blurred. My heart had stopped and failed to restart properly.

“Dad, what’s wrong?” Joe asked from the back of the car.

Everything.

“Nothing, mate, all good. I just need to get you home. Dave’s gonna come over and play FIFA with you for a bit.”

“Aw, sweet.”

I’m at my house without knowing how I got there. Dave pulled up as I did, Ash already waiting at the front door. I send Joe inside.

“What happened?” I asked anyone that might have an answer.

Ashley looked at Dave, then they both turned and looked at me. Dave shook his head no, and Ashley cried.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this to be happening. I wanted to go inside my nice warm house. I wanted Joe to beat me at FIFA. I wanted to see my daughters in their tutu’s, showing me the moves they learnt this week.

“We have to go.” Ash stated. “Can you drive, Marls, or d’ya want me to?” I stared at her in silence for a few seconds. “Marley, we have to go.”

I held my arm out in a sweeping gesture, offering her my car. I don’t know why I did it, I just did. I didn’t even say goodbye to my kids, or Dave. I just got in the car and drove. I wasn’t even sure of the exact location of the hospital, I just knew that it wasn’t far from George and Maca’s house in Hampstead, so I headed in that direction.

The radio was playing Carnage songs. Ashley switched the system to play CDs, and Creeds ‘With Arms Wide Open,’ started to play.

I turned it up loud as Ash reached across to take my hand.

I listened to the words of a song about a man finding out he’s about to become a father.

My sister was due to give birth to a son in four weeks’ time. She was looking the healthiest she’d ever looked in her life. She’d not put on a lot of weight, but she was glowing. Maca was the happiest I’d ever known him to be. They’d been through so much, this was finally their time. They were about to finally have their moment; become parents, become a family, become complete. They’d lived a lifetime together, and yet their lives were only just about to begin.

The song ended and ‘Praise You’ by Fat boy Slim started to play. My car’s CD system had a function that allowed it to choose a track from each of the fifteen CDs that were loaded. I drove, unseeing, just listing to the music and trying my hardest not to think.

The Cardigans, ‘Love Fool’ played and I laughed because it reminded me of Maca—not the words, but the title of the song. 

‘Red Alert’ by The Basement Jax was up next and I cranked the sound system louder.

Eminem, ‘Stan.’

Moloko, ‘Sing it Back.’

Armend Van Helden, ‘U Don’t Know Me.’

Oasis, ‘Wonderwall.’

Nirvana, ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit.’

Massive Attack, ‘Unfinished Sympathy.’

Bones Thugs N Harmony, ‘Tha Crossroads.’

There were others, I’m sure. Those though, were the ones that would forever remind me of the silent drive my wife and I made to the hospital.

When we arrived there was chaos; reporters, television crews, photographers, and fans. They were everywhere.

Fuck ‘em all.

I pulled up right outside. “Wait here,” I told Ash.

I walked around to her side and opened my door. Taking her under my arm, I started to walk us inside. I had no idea where I was going, but I needed to get there soon.

“Sir, you can’t leave your car there, Sir.” I turned to see a copper talking to me. I threw him the keys.

“Move it, tow it, keep it, burn it. I don’t fucking care.”

As we walked towards the hospital entrance, I spotted one of the PR people that worked for our label. She was instantly joined by four policemen and a half dozen minders. We were surrounded. I went where they lead and when we got there, I saw Len.

We were in a private room when Len told Ash and I to sit down. He was shaking. Not just his hands, but his entire body. He had no colour in his usually olive complexion. His skin looked almost see through.

My eyes wanted to close. My brain wanted to shut down. I wanted to disappear.

“George and Maca were on the pavement outside a baby shop on Brentwood High Street.” He started. “I don’t know the exact details, Milo’s still with the police, but a car came up onto the pavement and hit them.”

He started to cry. I squeezed Ashley’s hand as she started to cry too. I don’t know if I started or if I was already crying. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.

“Marls, it’s not good. It’s so not fucking good.”

“Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God,” Ashley chanted from beside me.

“He’s gone, Marls. Maca’s gone. They’re keeping—” He cried and cried and cried. We all cried. I hurt. Everything hurt. My insides, my outsides, my breath and my soul. It all hurt.

I wanted my babies. I just wanted go home and hold my babies. I wanted to go to my house, hold my wife and kids, and lock out the world.

“They’re keeping Maca alive on life support until George is out of surgery. She has massive internal bleeding. She’s lost the baby. She’s lost the baby and they’re just trying to save her now.”

“No.” It just came out of my mouth. “No, tell them no. Don’t save her. They mustn’t save her, Len. She won’t want that. They need to let her go. They need to be together.”

Before he replied or I said any more, my parents arrived with Bailey and Jim. Everyone was crying. Everyone was hurting but it didn’t change anything. All the tears, all the pain, all the love in the world. None of it changed anything.

When Georgia was brought out of surgery, I volunteered to be the one to tell her what happened. I brought Maca into her life that sunny August day back in 1980, and I’d be the one to take him away on that bitterly cold December day in 1999. Nineteen years. They’d lived, laughed, loved and cried more than most do in a lifetime, but they’d only known each other for nineteen years.

My mum insisted that we were all there when George woke up, but I should be the one to tell her.

She opened her eyes and looked straight at me. I gave her a chance to get her bearings, remaining silent until she was fully conscious.

“A car hit us, Marls. A fucking car came up on the pavement and hit us.” Tears rolled down the side of her face and into her ears as she spoke. She was hooked up to blood and fluids and had wires on her chest, as well as a blood pressure monitor that kept tightening automatically. The bed she was on was huge, and she looked so tiny.

“Porge—”

“Where’s Sean, Marls? Is he with Beau? Did they have to do a C section? Can they get me a wheelchair so I can see him?” Her jaw and lip trembled. She knew ... she must know.

“Porge, they had to operate.”

“To get Beau out?”

“Yes Porge, they had to operate to get Beau out, but he didn’t make it, baby girl. He didn’t make it.”

She let out a sob. It came from her throat, her chest, her DNA. It came from every part of her being and it echoed through every part of me.

All I could hear around us were tears; tears rolling down cheeks, tears being held back, tears that would never stop.

“Where is he, Marls? Is Sean with him?”

“No, no, no.” I knew that was my my mum without even looking around.

“It’s okay, Mum. Sean’ll keep him warm till I see him. We’ll get through this. There’ll be more babies.”

I heard the door to the room open and close and I assumed that it was all too much for my mum. Instead, a nurse and a doctor approached the bed, the nurse took Georgia’s hand.

“Mrs. McCarthy, are you aware of what’s happened with your baby? Has everything been explained to you?” The doctor asked.

The nurse let go of her hand and put a tissue in it. George wiped her nose and nodded at the doctor.

“Very good. Well, we have a policy at this hospital of giving the parents time to grieve and the opportunity to spend time with their child. Is that something you would like to do?”

She nodded. “Yes. Yes, I’d like to see him.”

“Well we’ll get that arranged for you then.”

The nurse and Doctor leave and we’re all left to destroy what’s left of Georgia’s heart.

“Where’s Sean, Marls? Is he okay?”

I can’t lie to her. She’s my little sister, it’s been my job for most of my life to protect her, but I can’t save her from this, I can’t even soften the blow.

I can’t get my words out and when she noticed me struggle, she knew.

“Marls... no, Marls, no, no. Don’t make it bad. Please don’t make it bad. Daddy!” She looked over my shoulder to where my dad was standing. “Tell him, Daddy, tell him please.”

“He hit his head, George. He hit his head really bad. He’s never gonna recover from it. They’ve got a machine breathing for him, but he’s never gonna wake up.”

I expected crying and sobbing. What I didn’t expect was silence and the vice-like grip she had on my hand. The door to the room opened and the nurse walked in, carrying Beau. My mum collapsed, my dad holding her up the best he could.

My nephew, my best mate’s baby boy was wrapped in a blanket, but I could see his dark hair on the top of his head.

“Can you all leave please? I want to be alone with my son.” George asked.

I wasn’t going anywhere.

“Go, now. Please everyone.”

The room emptied.

“Marls?” I heard Ash say my name from behind me. I shook my head no.

“I’m not leaving her,” I tell Ash. “I’m not leaving, George,” I tell my sister.

Ashley left the room.

Georgia laid her son on the bed in front of her and unwrapped the blanket. He was perfect, and he looked like Maca.

“Oh Marley, why, why? He’s just a little baby. Why him, why not take me?”

“I don’t know, George. I don’t have the answers tonight, I’m sorry.”

I poured water in the bowl that the nurse brought in. I made sure it was warm—not hot, not cold, but warm—the way that babies like it. I grabbed some of the cotton wool that was sitting next to it and took it to my sister. I stood and watched as Georgia washed her son. She asked me to pass her the bag that was sitting on the shelf in her room. Milo had dropped it off earlier, once he’d finished giving his statement to the police.

From bag, George pulled a nappy, a vest, a baby grow, and a blanket that had guitars over it. She dressed Beau, then wrapped him in the blanket.

I sat on the bed next to her and held her son. I told him all about his Dad and what a great musician he was. I told him, much like I did my own son, how much his Dad and all of us loved him. I tried to think of everything that Maca would say. I tried to make him feel safe and loved.

Sometime later, the nurse that was in earlier, brought a wheelchair in and told us that it was time to take Beau to meet his Dad.

When we got to his room, the rest of our family was there, along with Maca’s parents and half-brother and sister. That pissed me off. He’d seen a bit of his Dad over the years, but not his Mum, and he’d only ever met his brother and sister a few times.

Bailey and Len lift George onto Maca’s bed. It’s the most heartbreaking sight I’d ever witnessed.

George moved Maca’s arm so that it was around her and she undid the blanket a little and introduced Beau to his Daddy.

“Look what we made, Sean. Just look at how perfect he is. He looks so much like you. Just look at all that hair, all curly, just like yours used to be.”

She wiped the tears from under her eyes. “They’re not letting me keep him though, Sean. They’re taking both of you away from me. He has to go to heaven and they’ve decided that you need to go to heaven with him so that he doesn’t get scared and lonely.”

She kisses Beau, then she puts him to Maca’s lips so that they press against his son’s head. Then she kisses Maca.

“I love you both, my beautiful boys. I love you both so much and I’ll see you very soon.”

She closed her eyes with her husband’s arm around her, their son held in her arms.

Maca’s life support was switched off and he passed away quietly at 11.43pm.

Georgia had to be sedated before the nurses could take Beau from her arms or remove her from Maca’s bed.

Georgia was kept sedated for a further forty-eight hours and was evaluated by a psych team before she was allowed home to my parents’ place five days after her surgery.

Life for the rest of us was hard. We were all in shock, all grieving for Maca, for Beau, and for what Georgia had lost.

Ash and I made love constantly in those first few days. We’d cling to each other and cry, during and after. We just needed that connection.

We tried our best to explain to the kids in an age appropriate way what had happened, but Annie had nightmares for weeks afterwards. And for the whole of December and part of January, we slept with all three of our kids in bed with us.

On the afternoon before the funeral, the bodies of Maca and Beau were brought to my parents’ house. Georgia insisted that the coffin go out in the soundproofed room that we’d all hung out in so much.

Now that she was up and about, she’d been sleeping in there. She was taking tablets to help her do it, and she was on a low dose of valium and antianxiety medication. My parents seemed to think that she was over the worst, but I knew my sister better than most, and insisted that someone was with her at all times, so we all took it in turns. She wasn’t there mentally during that time, her mind gone, or just shut down till she could cope again.

We were each given time to spend alone with Maca and Beau. I asked Ash if she wanted to go together but she said no, that she felt I needed to say goodbye alone.

Beau was lying face down on his daddy’s chest, Maca’s hands placed protectively over his sons back. I kissed the top of my nephew’s head and I kissed my best mates forehead before sitting in the chair next to the coffin.

“I don’t know how to do this.” I told him honestly. “I always thought it’d be me. I thought I’d fuck up, crash my bike, or my car. Go on a bender and have a heart attack ... I dunno, summit. I just always thought I’d be the one to die young, not you, Mac, never you.”

I pulled one of the man-sized tissues from the box that someone had thoughtfully left on the coffee table, probably my mum, and blew my nose. Then I started to laugh.

“Remember when we were on the bus going to Detroit and I had a cold and asked if anyone had a tissue?” I smiled and shook my head thinking about it.

“And you, you dirty fucker, passed the one you’d wiped your cum stains up with when you’d had a wank earlier. I had your fucking Jizz all over my nose, you fucker. Billy was really hungover and threw up after gagging a few times ... Ah, funny times, Mac, funny fucking times.”

I sat and spent the next hour reminiscing and promising my mate that we’d all look after George, and we’d always keep him and Beau in our thoughts when Georgia walked in. I stood and wrapped her in my arms and just held her.

“I brought this for Beau to wear. I wanted a piece of me to be with him. Sean has my name tattooed on his heart, so I want Beau to have this.”

She held up the necklace with the ‘G,’ held in the angel wings that Maca had bought her one Christmas many, many years before.

“It’s perfect.” I told her.

She didn’t have to undo the clasp, she was able to just slip it over Beau’s dark little head.

We all gathered together in that room later. My parents eventually went to bed, but myself, my brothers, our wives and Georgia, we drank. We raised our glasses and told stories of our memories of Maca.

I caught George smiling on the odd occasion, but I knew it was just a mask. I knew the whole scene was a farce. Each and every one of us were terrified about what tomorrow would bring.

The outpouring of grief from around the world was mind-blowing. I had visited the scene of the accident with Ash and laid flowers amongst the hundreds and hundreds of others that had been placed there. The place was a shrine.

Despite the funeral taking place at midday, the cars started arriving at my parents’ at around ten thirty. The funeral directors had already informed us that the roads leading from just beyond the gates at the end of the drive, all the way through town to the church, were packed.

My sister’s body was the only part of her in attendance that day. Her mind had gone, totally checked out. She stood alone in my mum’s kitchen, staring out the back patio doors at the cold December morning. Her arms were wrapped around herself, the way they often were since she’d left the hospital. Even from the back, I could see how thin she was looking.

I moved to stand beside her but didn’t speak for a while.

“I know what you’re planning and I totally understand, Porge, but I just need you to know that despite what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling now, we all want you with us. We all want to help you come to terms with this and move forward.” I dug my hands deeper into my suit pockets and tried to compose myself. I didn’t want to cry while I was talking to her; there’d be enough tears later, so for now, at least, I wanted to remain composed.

“I know that this is ... this loss is something that none of us will ever get over, least of all you, but we all need to help each other find a way to live again. I’ve lost my nephew, my best mate, my bandmate, and my brother in law. I can’t lose you too. I need ya, George, I need ya so much right now. So, I’m begging ya, for me, please don’t do anything stupid.”

Georgia overdosed the first time, just nine hours later.

She’d told my mum she was taking a bath. It was an hour later that I noticed her missing. Everyone had had a lot to drink after one of the worst days of our lives.

I won’t go into the details of Maca’s funeral here. If George ever decides to write a book, then I’ll leave that as her story to tell, so for now, that day will remain private.

I walked along the galleried landing of my parents’ house and the first thing I heard was the song, ‘Fade to Black’ by Metallica, and I knew in an instant what she’d done.

I ran. I ran as fast as I could, but it felt like I wasn’t moving. I reached Georgia’s bedroom door and pushed it open. Apparently, I’d already called out for help as I was running because as I stood staring down at my sister’s small body, curled up on her bed, I heard the commotion of my family arriving behind me.

The note she’d left beside her, summed up what we were all feeling.

I’m sorry, I just can’t do this. It hurts too much. The pain is more than I can bear. If you love me, then please just let me go.

G

At the end of January, she did it again, and that time, they only just managed to bring her back. So, we took the hard decision to have her committed to a private mental health facility once she was well enough to leave the hospital.

It was a few weeks after her release that I had an idea that I thought might just help pull my sister from the depths of hell, where she was currently residing.

I went and got her old car, Hilda, out of storage.

George was in her usual spot, on the old leather Chesterfield, when I found her.

“Up ya get, George, I’ve got something out here for you to see.”

I thought she’d stare at me blankly, that far off vacant look still in her eyes from all the medication they’d had her on in the hospital. She’d been home almost a month then, and they were gradually weening her off of them.

So I was surprised when she just wiped tears from under her eyes and followed me outside.

She stopped in her tracks, one hand flying to her chest, the other to cover her mouth. Her tears were instant.

“Oh, Marley. Where did you get her from? Have you been to my house?”

I draped my arm over her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. “I have. Hope you don’t mind? I thought you might like to take her for a drive?”

She looked up and for the first time in a very long time, not only did she smile, but I knew that she saw me. My sister saw beyond her grief and she actually saw me.

“I don’t want to go out on the road, Marls, but I’ll drive her around out here.”

I can’t put into words the happiness I felt at her words. My heart actually felt like it was growing and about to burst out of my chest.

“Yeah?” I couldn’t wipe the fucking smile off my face as I spoke.

“Yeah.” She smiled back up at me.

“Well, it’s a fucking start, I s’pose.” I kissed the top of her head before grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the car.