“Are you okay, mom?”

I nodded, forcing a smile. I was driving on autopilot back to the motel. We checked in every night since we were paying cash.

They wouldn’t hold a room for us without a credit card, which I did not have.

But soon, it wouldn’t matter. As long as that apartment was still there, we’d have a home. We would be safe at last.

Pate would be safe.

I called every few days to check. So far, it was still vacant. I clenched the steering wheel. We were so close to being okay… truly okay for the first time in years.

And now I’d gone and ruined it all.

If only I hadn’t given into temptation. If only I hadn’t kissed Mason. The man was my boss. I was sure he had his pick of women. I was just one of many.

I’d acted like a tramp. Embarrassed myself. I’d practically begged him to keep going.

But he had stopped it. He hadn’t wanted me. At least now I knew there was no hope.

I forced my hands to relax. We were almost there. I could take a long shower and lick my wounds.

Mason had not been mean. This was worse, though. He just didn’t feel the way I did.

And now I was stuck here, wanting him and knowing he didn’t feel the same.

He probably felt sorry for me. The sad little waitress with holes in her shoes and the kid with no daddy. He probably thought I was homely. Pathetic. Weak.

I wiped a tear off my cheek.

Not in front of the kid, Shell!

Never cry in front of the kid.

“Maybe we’ll go to that pancake place in the morning. Sound good?”

Paton nodded happily. She was doing well here. As soon as we had an address she was starting school. I had to remember what mattered. Running was not an option, no matter how painful the situation was.

Besides, it was just a little embarrassment. I would just give Mason his space. Not intrude. Not throw myself at him again.

Lay low.

We pulled into the motel parking lot. Pate took my hand and yawned, padding along beside me. I knew she was more than ready for bed.

“We’ll take a double if you have it.”

The attendant chewed on a toothpick, giving me an odd look.

“Sorry, we’re full up.”

I stared at him, my stomach dropping. This place? In the middle of nowhere?

The Jar was halfway between a big town and a small one. The motel was off a country road near the national park. This place was never full up.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Some sort of convention. Rangers.”

I exhaled sharply, squeezing Pate’s hand. It was late now. Really late.

“Do you know any other places nearby?”

He shrugged.

“There’s a few places about an hour away, other side of the park. On this side, it’s just us.”

I stared at Paton, my insides curdling with worry. I was so tired, I was afraid to drive. With a sinking feeling in my gut, I realized sleeping in the car was probably the safest thing to do.

“Can we park here?”

He shook his head and the wind went out of my sails. I squeezed Pate’s hand and we left. I drove mindlessly back towards the Jar. I was a few miles away when I pulled onto a side road and onto the shoulder.

I tried to smile as I tucked Paton into the backseat. I kissed her forehead.

“Last time we do this, hon. I promise.”

“It’s not your fault, mom.” She snuggled into her blankets. “I don’t mind anyway.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded.

“You’re a good egg, you know that?”

She gave me a sleepy ‘uh huh’ then yawned and was out. Bless her, that ability to conk out was something I never had, no matter how tired I was. I climbed back into the front and tried to get comfortable. I wasn’t an extremely tall woman, but I was too tall to lie flat. I pulled my bra loose and pulled the jacket over me.

It was cold, but I had to leave the windows open a crack for safety. I turned the car back on for ten minutes and blasted the heat. Then I turned it off and tried to sleep.

I couldn’t stop my mind from racing. Worried about the future. Thinking about the kiss.

When I finally slept, I dreamt of Mason. He was angry at me. Disgusted that I had kissed him. He told me he couldn’t stand to be around me and we had to leave immediately. Hit the road.

We couldn’t get the apartment if I didn’t have a job.

We drove away, both of us crying. Seeing my girl cry, even in a dream, was so crushing it woke me up. I stared around the car stupidly. It was dawn, still early. The air was cool and misty.

I closed my eyes. Mason might not want me, but he wouldn’t fire me. He needed me.

With that comforting thought, I fell back asleep again.