Chapter Eleven

 

I checked my phone for the third time and it was nearly nine-thirty already. I had the booth cleaned up and Melissa had taken all the pots back to the truck for me before she left. All I had to do was wait for Shep to finish his work for the night and we could head back to the house. I was still reeling from the news he’d been hired as director, and I hadn’t had a chance to talk to him about it. We parted ways an hour ago to finish our respective work, but now, with everyone gone, I was getting antsy to see him again. I leaned on the counter, watching the snowflakes fall lightly from the November sky. While it held off for the tree lighting ceremony, Mother Nature must have decided the tree needed some natural flocking.

“Ivy,” Shep called from the darkness, “are you ready to go?”

He reached the edges of the light from the streetlamps and I smiled. The shoulders of his coat were covered in snow as if he’d been climbing under the tree or rolling around on the ground. He still wore the same smile he had on his face when he dropped me here earlier.

“I’m ready. I’ll be right out,” I said, closing the window and jumping down from the small trailer, locking the door behind me. I pulled my coat up around my neck and he grabbed me, hugging me.

“I got the job. I can’t believe I got the job,” he said, still holding me off the ground.

I punched him lightly in the shoulder. “I can. I told you they’d be crazy not to hire you.”

He set me down and put his arm around me as we strolled through the park, the space empty now that everyone had gone home. The tree still shone brightly, a pivotal display in the town for the next six weeks. He tugged my hand and climbed up the gazebo steps with me, his eyes soft and his face relaxed.

“Why are we here? Don’t you want to go home?” I asked, but he shook his head.

“Not right now. I want to sit here and enjoy spending time with you under the brilliant blue lights of the tree.”

I gazed up at it and smiled. “It feels magical here. I love this time of year.”

He held me close to him, his hands buried in the front of my coat. Sitting on the railing he was able to rest his forehead on mine. “Something feels different between us lately. Tell me I’m not the only one feeling it?”

I shook my head slowly, my gaze never leaving his. “I feel it, too,” I whispered.

His eyes held mine and he lowered his head until his lips were a hairsbreadth from mine. I swallowed hard, but my gaze never wavered. He let go of my coat and grasped my face, closing the last inch until our lips touched. What happened next was magic in every sense of the word. His lips touched mine and a bright light exploded inside my head. His lips were warm and tender, brushing against mine in a dance of exploration and longing. I responded and yielded to him, my arms snaking around his neck against my will. He slid off the railing and I pressed into him, wanting more from the kiss we shouldn’t be sharing to start with. He didn’t want it to end any more than I did as his hands ran through my hair. Sounds of pleasure from each other’s touch escaped our lips, making it impossible to pretend we weren’t enjoying it. After several long moments, he tore his lips from mine and planted them on my forehead, his hands moving to my waist and his chest heaving.

“I’m definitely not the only one feeling it,” he whispered, moving his lips to my ear. “I’ve wanted to do that for months now. I don’t know when my feelings for you changed, but they have.”

I was reeling from the kiss and the emotions it drew from me. I touched my lips, still wet and plump from his attention. “No one has ever kissed me the way you just did,” I whispered. I gazed up into his ice blue eyes and saw what could be my future. I also saw what could be the end to the one, and only, friend I’ve relied on all my life. I took a step back, fear spiking through me as my face crumbled into tears. He could be my everything, but he could also decide a relationship with me wouldn’t work and then where would I be? “I…have to go,” I stuttered, running down the gazebo steps and into the darkness. I could hear him calling my name, but I didn’t stop running. I couldn’t think when he was staring at me with those eyes, the memory of his lips on mine still fresh. My legs carried me fast across the terrain, the snow landing on my head and melting into my hair, trapped inside me forever. The same could be said for me. Trapped knowing I loved my best friend, but not knowing what to do about it.

 

 

SHEP

 

I clenched my hand in my hair and called her name again. “Ivy!”

She was gone. I started jogging around the Christmas tree, looking for her tracks in the fresh snow. Fearing she ran into the woods I searched the opening, but found no footprints. I ran back to the tree and caught sight of disturbed snow behind the gazebo and tree toward the parking lot. She couldn’t take my truck, since I have the keys, but she could do something stupid like walk home or worse yet, go to the diner alone.

I sprinted to my truck, worried about the girl I now realize I’ve loved all my life. I climbed in the truck and cranked the engine over, pulling out onto the road and driving slowly down the street, searching for a glimpse of her teal coat. I put my fingers to my lips, remembering the scorching kiss and the subsequent feelings coursing through me. I was tired of being relegated to the friend zone and she needed to know it. The problem stemmed from losing her mother and not having any real close friends, other than me. Sure, she likes the people she works with, but she doesn’t hang out with them after work or on weekends. She and I are like two peas in a pod, always have been, but we could be so much more. It was obvious in the kiss we shared tonight. We were meant to be together.

My eyes burned from not blinking as I searched for her. There was no sign of her anywhere and fear spiked through my gut. Where had she gone and what happened to her? I didn’t want to be responsible for her getting hurt or killed. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. I was almost back to the house when I saw a flash of teal leave the woods and hurry to the front door. I cranked the wheel to the left, bounced into the diner’s driveway, and drove around back. I stopped the truck as she closed the door behind her. Since she was safe I took a few minutes in my truck to take some deep breaths and calm myself. I knew kissing her might make her react this way, but honestly, I couldn’t stop myself. She’s all I want for Christmas this year. I don’t want to be just her best friend anymore. The kiss in the gazebo told me I wasn’t the only one.

With a heavy sigh, I unfolded my long legs from the cab of the truck and stalked to the front door. I tested the handle, and it turned easily in my hand, which meant she knew I was there and she was safe. I slipped inside, closing the door behind me and locking it, then listening for sounds to tell me where she was. I heard water running upstairs and took them two at a time to stand next to the bathroom door. She was showering, washing away the smell and taste of the hot cocoa on her skin. I could hear her crying softly, occasionally moaning as though she were in pain or ill. She kept asking the same question. “What have I done?”

I rested my head on the door of the bathroom and took a few breaths, my chest tight from the elation of getting the job, the passion of the kiss, and then the fear of losing her. I went to my room and sat down on the bed, using my rescue inhaler twice, praying it would be enough to prevent a full-blown asthma attack. That was the last thing I needed tonight. When the inhalers don’t help the swollen bronchi in my chest, my only other option is to use an Epi-Pen and get to the hospital as fast as possible. I didn’t want to do either of those tonight. I wanted to lie on this bed and hold Ivy in my arms.

“Shep, are you alright?” she asked from the doorway, her voice concerned. She ran to the bed and climbed up, rubbing my back the way she’s done since we were little kids and I had my first attack. Her warm hands massaging my back often relaxed me enough to give the inhaler time to work and keep my chest from closing off altogether. Her right hand left my back and went to my belt loop where my Epi-Pen was always kept, tucked in a pouch. Everyone I worked with knew exactly what to do if the need arose, and so did Ivy. She’s had to use it before on me, saving me multiple times from long hospital stays, or worse, death. She pulled the Epi-Pen out and laid it next to her on the bed, then went back to massaging the middle of my back. “Use the inhaler again, I hear wheezing still,” she ordered, all business now.

I puffed on the inhaler again and waited, rolling my shoulders a few times to release the tension held in them. Emotional situations and stress often brought on strong asthma attacks and I knew it, but sometimes they can’t be avoided. I breathed in and back out again, feeling the tightness in my chest loosening with each passing minute.

“I’m okay. It’s fading,” I told her, thankful for her calm approach. “Did I ever tell you about the time I had an asthma attack on a date?”

“No,” she whispered, her fingers working on the knots in my shoulders now.

“It was another blind date courtesy of my mother. The girl was a timid little thing, but sweet and didn’t have a bad word to say about anyone. It was summer, so we went to eat and then to the drive-in for a movie. Big mistake. The wind was blowing the wrong direction and I took a breath at the wrong time. My chest started to close and I fumbled for my inhaler, finally getting it to my mouth, but I was too far gone; I couldn’t get enough air in to use it. I sounded like I was breathing through a straw and I grabbed the Epi-Pen from my pouch, ripped it open, and jammed it in my leg. Within seconds my chest started to loosen enough so I could use the inhaler. It wasn’t until I could breathe again that I noticed she lay on the seat of the car in a dead faint.”

She chuckled from behind me, her hands still on my skin. “Nurse Nightingale, she was not?”

“Not even close. She didn’t come to until we were almost back to her house. I dropped her off and promised her I wouldn’t be calling ever again. I’ve never seen relief on someone’s face the way I did that night. It made me realize how lucky I am to have you. You’re not afraid to do what needs to be done to keep me alive at any cost.”

“Well, I do own Nightingale Diner,” she joked, kneading my shoulders and neck. “Besides, it’s my fault you had an attack, so the least I can do is help you through it.”

I rested my hand over hers on my shoulder and stopped its motion. “It’s not your fault, Ivy. You know I can have them for no reason whatsoever.”

She lowered herself to the bed and when I swiveled on the bed she was grasping her knees, her head down, her eyes focused on the bed. I laid the Epi-Pen on the night stand out of the way and rubbed her back with one hand. We sat quietly for ten minutes, me rubbing her back, but she never said one word. I dropped my hand and stood, grabbing a pair of sleep pants and a t-shirt from the dresser. “I’ll be right back,” I whispered in her ear. “Don’t move.”

I strode to the bathroom and shut the door, giving her the opportunity to leave my bed and go to her own, effectively shutting off communication, if she chose to do it. I flipped the water on and climbed in, forcing my mind away from the kiss so my lower half would settle down and stop flying at half-mast. She needed my emotional presence tonight, not my lust or my desire. I could sense her turmoil and all I wanted to do was reassure her I wasn’t going anywhere. I shut the water off and stepped out, drying myself while I dripped on the rug. It had two goldfish on it, swimming in a sea of blue. Every time I saw it, I smiled. She has a wonderful sense of humor, even after what she’s lost in her life. I tugged the t-shirt down over my still damp body and stepped into the pants, straightening the waistband the best I could. I ran a brush through my hair and brushed my teeth, preparing to hold her or go to bed, either of which required proper hygiene. I inhaled deeply, thankful the episode seemed to have passed. I stared at the man in the mirror and his head shook. “Get it together, dude. Go in there and do what you should have done years ago. Tell her the truth about how you feel.” The thought alone almost gave me another asthma attack.

 

 

IVY

 

I waited on his bed patiently, fully aware everything in my life had changed with a kiss stolen in the park. I would have to face him about it sometime, and I knew I wouldn’t sleep unless I faced him now. Good or bad, I had to know where we stood. The door handle to the bathroom squeaked as he turned it, the hinges creaking as he pushed it open. I made a mental note to get the WD-40 out tomorrow, but when he stood in the doorway, dressed in sleep pants and a t-shirt, all thoughts went out the window. I’ve seen him casual before, but never like this. His t-shirt stretched tight across his chest, his muscles defined under the thin fabric. His sleep pants had cans of Budweiser all over them, a gag gift I had given him one Christmas. I was surprised, and secretly pleased, to know he wore them. As he approached the bed I noticed they were worn and faded, which meant he wore them often.

“I like the pants,” I teased as he sat on the bed next to me, his hands clasped around his knees.

“I hate to admit how comfortable they are, considering they’re the tackiest piece of clothing in my wardrobe.”

“So, I shouldn’t admit seeing you in them made me happy?” I sighed. I suddenly was afraid to talk to my best friend and it scared me.

He gave me a tender smile and put his arm around my shoulders, our knees touching. “The only reason I washed them and wore them was because you gave them to me. If I hadn’t taken a chance on them I might never have known how good they made me feel.”

I went back to hugging my knees. “Is this analogy going somewhere?” I asked, somewhat teasingly.

“What I’m trying to say is I know we’re comfortable together as friends, but my feelings for you go deeper than friendship. I’ve known it for years, but didn’t want to say or do anything about it. I didn’t want to ruin what we have together as friends.”

I lifted my eyes to his giant globes of blue and almost got lost in them before I remembered our conversation. “That’s what I’m afraid of,” I whispered, not able to use the full strength of my voice. “I can’t lose you as my best friend. I would crumble into dust if you weren’t here to support me. I talk big and say you could move away from Bells Pass and I would be fine, but we both know the truth. I wouldn’t be. I would be a shell of who I am if you weren’t here with me. There would be no point in going to the diner or improving the house. I would exist, but not thrive. It’s scary to think about how much I depend on you in my life.”

He rubbed my back, but there was nothing I could do but stare at the comforter. Facing him was too hard, but he gave me little choice when he tilted my chin up and held it with his finger. “I can say with all honesty I feel the same way, baby. I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it. I’m in love with you. I don’t mean the kind of love best friends share, either. I mean, I do love you that way too, but…” He put his hand in his hair and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

My breathing ceased for a moment when he said those three words. Knowing he loved me wasn’t a surprise, but hearing him say it, was. I scooched around until our knees touched as we sat Indian style. My hand slid up his cheek to cup it, letting him rest his head in it for a moment. I listened closely to his breathing, making sure to count his respirations as he sat still and put together in his head what he was trying to say. His eyes popped open and he smiled, the corners of his lips barely tipped up. It was the same smile he used whenever we were together at a party or a function where we were on opposite sides of the room. Our eyes always found each other, and he always gave me the same smile. Now I realize what it meant.

“Nineteen?” he asked, his tone teasing as he picked up my hand.

“You caught me, but actually it was twenty-five, which means you’re still having troubles. Do we need to do a nebulizer treatment or go to the ER?” I asked, hoping he would say yes and we could end this painfully awkward, yet wonderfully honest, conversation. I wasn’t sure I was ready to handle the fallout from it.

He rubbed my hand with his and shook his head no. “I don’t need more medication. I’m breathing fast because I’m sitting here with a beautiful woman who means everything to me in this world, and I don’t know how to tell her.”

“I think you just did,” I whispered, my gaze trained on my hand in his.

He lifted my chin with his finger and held it. “I don’t know how you feel, and I won’t pretend I do. I do know how I feel. Tonight, being with you when the crowd cheered for you as new business owner of the year, my heart swelled to twice it’s normal size. I can’t describe how I feel when I see you succeeding at your dreams. Proud doesn’t do it. It’s a deep, primal feeling of joy knowing I got to be the one with you all these years to witness your transformation. When we held hands on the lighting box to bring joy and happiness to the entire town by pushing the handle down together, it felt, well, instantly right and immediately gratifying. The reason I walked away from you afterwards, claiming work duties, was because I had to find a quiet place to get my head together. I was overcome with emotion, and I’m not talking about the new job, Ivy. I’m talking about how out of control my feelings for you have become. Every time I hear about or see you with a guy, I’m jealous beyond reason, wanting nothing more than to punch him in the face and move him along.”

I smiled at the image in my mind and took his hand off my chin. He was squeezing it too hard to be comfortable anymore. “Shep, you need to relax before you have another attack,” I whispered, speaking calmly, but with authority. “We have all the time in the world to talk, but an attack can take that from us in a heartbeat. I can’t lose you.”

He leaned forward and grasped me around my waist, pulling me onto his lap and hugging me. “Holding you is what relaxes me, Ivy. It always has since we were little kids. Maybe my first clue should have been when you grabbed my epi and stabbed me so hard I thought it was going through my leg. You were seven, and you saved my life. Even though you were afraid to hurt me, and afraid to stab me with the needle, you did it anyway. You faced your fear and saved my life. Each time you did it over the years, it didn’t get any easier, did it?”

I shook my head against his chest, my ear there on purpose so I could listen to his lungs. They sounded clear save for an occasional wheeze. Right now, he didn’t seem in any danger of another attack. “Having to use the Epi on you will never get easier, Shep. There’s a level of terror in my soul when it gets bad enough to resort to the pen and an ambulance ride to the hospital. What if it doesn’t work and I can’t save you? I’m petrified every single time, but I also feel empowered by your faith and trust in me.”

“I do trust you,” he said, stroking my hair. “I wish you trusted me the same way.”

I pulled away. “I trust you, Shep.”

He did the so-so hand. “If you trust me, why did you run away at the gazebo tonight?” he asked. He took my hand as if he had to have constant contact with me. “It’s dangerous for you to be out at night alone right now. We don’t know what’s going on over at the diner or who’s behind it.”

I rubbed my neck with my free hand. “I didn’t think about the diner. I was only thinking about getting away from you.”

He dropped my hand. “Great, okay, let’s pretend the last three hours didn’t happen then, ‘k?”

I grabbed his hand this time, to keep him from getting off the bed. “I didn’t mean it the way it sounded, Shepard. I was afraid of a lot of different things and I needed time to sort them out. I wasn’t even thinking, to be honest. I…”

“You were running out of fear,” he finished.

I nodded. “I was afraid if I stayed I would keep kissing you and never want to leave. I was also afraid if I kept kissing you and things didn’t work out, I would lose you as my friend. I don’t want to live without you. If a relationship doesn’t work out it could end our friendship.”

“Only if we let it,” he said, frustration evident in his voice. He started coughing and I jumped off the bed, handing him his inhaler.

“Use this now and sit tight. I’m getting the nebulizer. If you don’t improve we’re going in,” I said, not a hint of levity in my voice.

He nodded while inhaling and I ran to the dresser to get his liquid albuterol. He always kept his nebulizer by his bed for easy access and in minutes I had the mask on his face and the machine running. I propped pillows behind his back and turned the TV on, laying on the bed next to him, so I could listen for improvement. The late news was on and the story of Shep taking over as director was on the screen. I turned up the volume listening to the story over the hum of the machine. He was ridiculously cute on TV, blushing, and trying to hide his huge smile to appear professional. They asked him pertinent questions facing the community regarding water and sewer improvements, as well as plans for plowing during the snowy season. When they went to a commercial I turned the volume down and glanced up at him. His eyes weren’t trained on the TV, but instead on me. His machine had finished, but the mask remained on his face. I gently pulled it off and leaned my head on his chest, relieved to hear nothing but regular breath sounds.

He clasped his arms around me tightly and laid his head on mine. “I’m sorry if I pushed you too far tonight,” he whispered. “I love you, but if it can only be as friends, then it will have to be enough. Life without you isn’t worth living.”

I rose up on my knees and took his face in my hands, laying my lips on his. “Living without you isn’t an option,” I said, brushing the hair off his forehead. “I gotta stick around and make sure you keep breathing.”

He winked at me, but I saw the truth in his eyes. He loved me, and the ball was in my court.