October 12th 2012
Anson
I’m nervous and I shouldn’t be. She’s my best friend. I’ve known her for more than two thirds of my life. I’ve kissed her bruises, defended her, held her hand, hugged her when she was crying and took her virginity. Nerves should be long gone after all of that.
Yet here I am, waiting for her at the airport tensely. I’ve never gone this long without seeing her face. Sure, we FaceTime, but it’s not the same as seeing her face in real life.
It’s not the same as feeling her hand in mine.
Not the same as hearing her heart beat harder when I hold her.
It’s not the same as hearing her voice right next to me or smelling her fruity hair.
None of it is the same.
I grab my luggage, one suitcase because I won’t be here long. I opted to keep all my shit on the tour bus, just bringing a change of clothes and Lyrik’s gifts. I step outside the airport and spot my old car.
After I left I told her she could use it, fuck she can have it for good. It’s not new, has over a hundred thousand miles, but it’s reliable and I have to know that she’s in a safe vehicle when I’m not here. She emailed me four different times how she wouldn’t keep it and was just borrowing it until she could buy one.
Well, now I can buy her one.
I can buy her twenty.
When I get close to the beaten down silver Mazda she jumps out of the car and barrels into me.
I squeeze her so hard.
Time stops.
Everything around us just disappears, all I see is her.
I pull back a little, grab her jaw and lift her face to meet mine.
She’s dyed her hair a lighter shade, blonde and brown. Her brown eyes meet mine, her eyes light up as she looks into mine.
Then I do something I shouldn’t. I can’t help it.
I’ve missed her so much, even more than I thought and don’t realize it until this very moment.
I kiss her.
I pour every ounce of longing into this kiss. I give her all of me, all of my lyrics, my notes, our melody.
It’s hers.
I’m hers.
She doesn’t reject me. Instead she grabs at my shirt and pulls me closer. I hold her while I caress my lips against hers. She opens herself, my tongue dips in and pulls out then slides against the seam of her lips. She tastes like birthday cake chap stick, her favorite, and now mine too.
I lose myself in her, I clutch at her back and hold her harder while tasting her lips for as long as she’ll let me.
An hour passes.
Okay, maybe not an entire hour, but it feels like it by the time I come up for air. She pulls away quickly like I had made her forget who she is and where she is.
Fuck, I hope so.
“What was that?” She asks when we both get inside the car.
I can’t tell her that I’m hers. Not yet.
It’s not the right time.
I lie, “Just missed you. Couldn’t help myself is all.”
She smiled as I told her I missed her but then sadness and rejection poured out of her once I lied. She doesn’t know that I lied, she just believes me. She believes that I wouldn’t want her.
Couldn’t want her.
Even though it’s so far from the truth and I hate breaking her heart, hate making her feel like she’s not good enough for me.
I’m not good enough for her, not yet. I have a lot to do before we’ll be ready for us permanently. I can’t stray from the path, it wouldn’t be fair to her if I did.
So, I let her believe my lie, for now.
“Okay,” she mumbles. “Are we going to my apartment or did you want to stop anywhere first?”
“Your apartment would be good. I have to see this place of yours, while we’re there I can take a quick shower. Being in an airport all day and on a plane, has me feeling dirty. Need to wash the travel off. Then we have a meeting with the relator at three. She has some houses lined up. If I like any today, I’ll put an offer in and hopefully I’ll become a homeowner.”
“All right. I have some of your clothes too if you wanted to change. I noticed you packed light so I doubt there’s any clothes in there.”
“I’m not here long so I don’t need much. Plus, it’s all your shit in that suitcase minus my jeans and shirt.”
She cringes when I mention that I’m not here long. I need to just shove my foot in my mouth already. This weekend isn’t off to a great start.
“Can’t wait to see what you got me.” She doesn’t comment on the limited time.