The color blue is a safe colour - the most universally liked colour of all.
Blue is not impulsive or spontaneous and it doesn't like to be rushed - blue needs to analyze and think things through and work to a plan.
Blue needs to have direction & order- untidiness and unpredictability overwhelms it.
Blue likes familiarity. It doesn't like change and will stubbornly do things its own way, even if there is a better way.
– the colour of truth
Cassie closed the book with a heavy sigh. Not only her favorite color, but the color of Mike’s eyes. Safe? She did feel safe with him. He’d given her more security than anyone she’d ever known. How could that be, when she’d only just met him? Even her confidence had received a boost.
Doesn’t like to be rushed. That sounded like him. Mike had that easygoing, reserved manner. There were times when she thought he held back. Maybe that was the analyze and think things through part. She did a lot of analyzing, herself. To the point where she scrutinized and dissected every practical thought.
Thinking about Mike was a twenty-four-hour occurrence. She’d brought her students to the library for story time with the librarian and slipped to the corner for a few minutes of quiet time for herself. Even though she taught in an elementary school, the library had one secluded corner with shelves housing books for those over the age of twelve. Walking along the aisle, she’d slowly traced her fingers across the spines as she read their titles. One of particular interest had caught her eye.
Fire’s Blue Blaze. Blue was her favorite color. And her firefighter had the rarest hue of blue irises she’d ever seen. Mike’s eyes fascinated her, along with several other qualities he possessed. Interesting, what she’d just read. It made perfect sense. Blue could calm the mind and soothe the soul. But it could also be perceived as cold, unemotional and unfriendly. Like Mike’s moods. Just when she thought she understood him, when she thought he felt the same as she, he’d pull back. Something bothered him and she was determined to find out what.
Admittedly, their relationship—if you wanted to call it that—was still new. Maybe he needed time. His allure might have hit her like a lightning bolt out of the sky, but guys were different. Maybe it would take longer for him. Although, whenever they’d shared a moment of intimacy, he’d been just as involved as she. The way he sighed when he held her, the times when his touch seemed almost possessive. Little things he did that she noticed expressed his feelings more than he knew.
Romance filled her head with believable dreams. To have a man want her. To have him touch her the way Mike did. To have him tell her she was beautiful, even when she knew she wasn’t, although her body had all the right curves in the proper places. She longed for a man to want her. To see the inner beauty. Could Mike be the one to give her these things?
Damn insecurities. Her sister’s taunts came back.
What did she have to offer a man?
More than her body? More than lust?
When are you going to learn?
“Miss Peters?”
Cassie jumped.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I’ve finished with your class.”
“Oh. Uh. I was involved in this book.” She held it out as if that explained her jumpiness. She quickly returned the book to its shelf, gave the librarian a nod and hurried to gather her students.
The children kept her busy until the school fire alarm went off.
“All right, children. Line up and remember, no talking in the halls. This is our fire drill. Philip, will you please turn off the lights and close the door?”
Once in the hall, she led her students out of the building, making sure she counted each one as they exited the double doors. Her class knew the procedure and also knew she tolerated no monkey-business during a fire drill. Just like they’d practiced, her students walked in an orderly fashion across the bus parking lot to the edge and stopped, along with the upper grade classes. Each teacher stood with their students waiting for the ‘code green, all clear’.
Even the fates were against her.
Fire drill.
Mike.
His job was a dangerous one. Putting his life on the line for those in need. She gave a slight shudder. Praying for his safety had become another daily ritual.
The principal’s voice on the intercom announced the code green. “Philip, you may lead us back inside.”
Reading a book usually calmed the children after a drill, so she let them choose one and they gathered in a circle on the floor.
She made it through the next hour without further distractions and finally the bell rang at three o’clock. Excited children fled down the hall. Good Lord, she couldn’t handle another day like today.
“Hey girlfriend. You look awful.” Tammy blew into the room like a summer breeze.
“Hey. Heavy thoughts. I’m glad the day is over.”
“How’s this for heavy? I’ve got an idea. Let’s get one of those hunky firemen to come to the school for a show and tell?”
“I’m doomed,” Cassie groaned, raising her head to the ceiling. The fates are definitely against me.
“What’s with you?”
Cassie shook her head in response.
“Think about it. It’s a great idea.” Tammy waved her hands, as if proving her point. “If you don’t want Mike here in your little sphere, we’ll get one of his buddies.”
Don’t want Mike?
That’s the problem. She wanted him all the time.
“Oooh. You do have a glum face. What’s bothering you?” Tammy propped her hip on the corner of Cassie’s desk. “Is it time to go Mexican?”
“I could use a drink right now, but my stomach is not up to spicy food.”
“What’s up?” Tammy’s brows lifted, creasing her forehead into a frown. Since the day the principal told Tammy about Steve’s meddling, she’d been full of piss and vinegar. Her mood had improved greatly this week. Seeing a scowl on her face almost looked out of place.
Cassie turned and gathered papers she’d need to grade this evening. After what had been thrown at Tammy, if she could be brave, Cassie had no business sulking. She gave her friend a smile. “Everything’s good. I’m ready to leave. Why don’t you get your things and walk me out?”
“Sure thing. Be right back.” Tammy left the room with the same speed she’d entered.
Cassie picked up markers, replaced some books, and straightened the students’ desks. Before long, Tammy was back.
“Ready?”
“I’m ready.” Cassie snapped her briefcase closed and placed it in her carry case. With the amount of supplies teachers had to carry, a tote on wheels saved a lot of back pain.
“You seem a little down.” Tammy’s expression was one of concern.
“No. Just thinking.”
“About Mr. Muscles, no doubt.” Tammy’s smile was infectious. Who could be disheartened with a friend like Tammy around?
“Who else? Mike has taken permanent residence in my mind.”
“They why so glum? Unless he hasn’t been spending enough time in your bedroom.”
Cassie stumbled, causing one of the purse straps to fall down. She heaved it back on her shoulder with a jerk. “Is that all you think about?”
“Come on. You know I’m teasing. Besides, you’re the only one getting any action.” Tammy quickened her steps matching Cassie’s stride.
“We’ve had this discussion before.”
“Then you already know the answers. So, don’t ask the same questions.”
Cassie laughed.
“That’s my girl. Tell me. What had your brain working overtime?”
“That I’m already involved with a man I barely know.”
Tammy grabbed her arm and brought them both to a dead halt. “Uh, oh. That fast?”
Cassie swiveled around in discomfort and continued walking toward her car. “Appalling, isn’t it?”
“No, it isn’t.” Tammy called and then hurried to catch up. “It’s great. Why would you say such a thing?”
“Don’t you see?” Cassie unlocked her car. “He’s in it for the fun. I really like this guy.”
“Maybe he is and maybe your bad-ass fireman feels the same way.”
For a moment, Cassie’s pulse sped up. A pleasing thrill of delight warmed her chest. Then, just as quickly, her rational side squashed the sensation. “Be serious.”
“I am serious.” When Cassie opened her car door, Tammy shoved it closed. “All right. What gives?”
Anger and embarrassment at her earlier twinkling of hope, Cassie spoke in irritation. “Mike is hot. H.O.T. He can have any girl he wants.”
“He wants you.”
“For now. He wants an easy lay.” She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. Saying them hurt. Made her aware of their accuracy.
“You’re not easy,” Tammy said with force. “Mike does not appear shallow to me. Have some faith in yourself.”
“As gorgeous as Mike is, he could have any woman. What have I got to offer him?”
Tammy’s expression registered shock. Rage took its place. “I get it. It’s that sister of yours again. I should kick her ass from here to China.” Tammy raised her arms flexing her fists. She sucked air in and huffed it out. “Ooooh. It’s a wonder you survived your childhood. We’ve also had this discussion before. When are you going to believe in yourself? You give so much and expect so little. I’ve seen you tear into kids who bully others. I’ve heard the praise you give to all students whether they are pretty, plain or downright ugly.”
“I’m a teacher.” Cassie shrugged.
“Bull crap. If you two were raised in the same house, how come you turned into two very different people?”
“I’ve wondered the same thing myself. Maybe we were switched at the hospital.”
“You are not dense. What about Mike? Hasn’t he told you you’re pretty or beautiful? The man swallows his tongue when he looks at you. It’s pretty obvious how he feels. My God, Cassie, if you don’t believe the mirror and you won’t believe me, then believe Mike.”
***
Fatigue encumbered every muscle in Cassie’s body, making the burden on her shoulders more stressful. Her mother had been in pain for too long and the doctors finally performed the surgery they should have done months ago. No thanks to her sister. Jennifer had let their mother lie on the couch and suffer for weeks. After a phone call from one of Jennifer’s friends alerted Cassie that her mother had been crying, she went to her mom and took her to the doctor. Cassie was the one who hounded the doctors until they developed a treatment plan. And then surgery.
It had been a long two days. Mom came through the procedure fine—one less thing to worry about. Family joined them in the waiting room and Jennifer held court like always. Cassie couldn’t take any more of her sister’s eye rolling, so she’d slipped down to the cafeteria for a coffee.
Enclosed in the elevator, she inhaled the aroma of fresh caffeine, willing away some of the tension that swamped her after spending too much time in her sister’s company. When Cassie noticed the lift had not moved, it dawned on her that she’d never pushed the button. With a shake of her head, she quickly pressed the number to her mother’s floor, wondering how she’d managed to get to the cafeteria and pour her coffee without burning herself. This time, she had not been preoccupied with Mike.
Her sister would be waiting. Who knew what nonsense she’d spouted to their cousins after Cassie left the waiting room? Some days Jennifer was tolerable. Even friendly. Other days, Cassie wanted to choke her. At the age of twenty-nine, Cassie supposed she should be used to her sister’s degrading insults. They bounced off her quicker now than they had in the past. Still, the constant jibes wore her down. That’s why she avoided Jennifer as much as she could.
Jennifer was four years older. They’d been raised in the same house, taught the same rules, morals, and mannerisms, but they were as different in their beliefs as two people could be. Jennifer had married for money. Twice. She’d received a handsome settlement from her first husband, and if she wasn’t careful, she’d be repeating the divorce experience a second time.
Thirty minutes later, the family was allowed to see her mother. Groggy from the anesthesia, Mom fluttered her eyelids and then slipped back to unconsciousness. Another hour and she was moved to a private room. Once she was settled comfortably, the cousins said their goodbyes.
Cassie stared at the pale woman. Asleep she looked peaceful. Last night she’d been so scared. After Jennifer had left, Cassie talked with her mom, discussing the surgery and trying her best to alleviate her mother’s fears. She’d sat with her through the night, dozing when she could. Mom woke once, but after seeing Cassie, she’d calmed. They held hands, shared a prayer, and blessedly, she had no trouble going back to sleep. Watching her now, seeing her even breathing, Cassie hoped her mother felt no pain.
“They’re gone now. You don’t have to pretend anymore.”
Cassie glanced to her sister in confusion. “Pardon me?”
“Acting like you do so much for our mother.”
“What?” The word came out in a half-confused, half-disbelieving voice.
Not now.
“She’s going to need care. Don’t think you’re going to waltz off and leave me to do everything.”
“You’re going to do this now?” Cassie seethed. “While our mother lies unconscious in a hospital bed?”
“She’s asleep,” Jennifer said.
“I’m not doing this here.” Cassie sprang from her seat, madder than she’d been in a long time. “Come on.” How dare her sister start an argument only moments after their mother had left the recovery room?
“Where are you going?” Jennifer asked, following Cassie out into the corridor.
“Down the hall where we can talk.” Outrage fueled her steps. Livid, she kept her eyes straight ahead. At the end of the hallway, she saw a little alcove with three chairs and a small table. She threw her purse on a chair and spun around. “Why did you wait until now to do this?”
“I wasn’t about to have you put on a show in front of the rest of the family.”
“Like you? Pretend you’re so wonderful around our cousins and anyone else who will listen, acting like you were the only one who cared for Mom? Then, when it’s just you and me, you’re back to your nasty self.”
“I did no such thing,” Jennifer said with her usual air of haughtiness. “They know who is better.”
“Better? All you care about is how people see you. You’ve always put me down. You’ve always thought you were better than me. As for Mom, I know what I’ve done for her. And she knows. That’s all I care about.”
Jennifer looked at her manicured nails, diamonds ringed on each finger. “I took care of Mom.”
“For a few weeks while she lay in agony on your couch. And only because I have a job while you stay at home living off your rich husband. You have the room. You can be with her during the day. What do you want me to do? Quit my job to take care of her while she’s recuperating? If I have to, I will.”
“Don’t be silly. She will stay with me, again.” Her air of dominance made Cassie cringe.
Frustration cramped Cassie’s stomach. She took in her surroundings, remembering they were in a hospital. She needed to keep her voice down. She had to think of Mom. She rubbed her temple, a throbbing headache coming on.
“Mother feels the tension between us,” she tried reasoning in a calmer voice. “It isn’t good for her.”
“Tension.” Jennifer gave a harsh laugh. “Try hostility. You’re jealous of me.”
Jealous? Was she serious?
“All you care about is money,” Cassie shot back. “If this is what money does to you, I want none of it.” Cassie loved her sister, but she was tired of being treated unfairly. “What have I done to make you so resentful? What do I have that you want?”
“You?” Jennifer eyed Cassie up and down, as if dissecting a bug.
Cassie couldn’t believe her sister was so ungrateful. “Everything you have was given to you. Your house and your cars were given to you by your rich ex-husband. The new one dotes on you. Giving you diamonds for every finger. You don’t appreciate anything. I wouldn’t blame him if he leaves you, too.”
Jennifer sprang from her chair in such a fury Cassie thought her sister was going to slap her. “How dare you mention my first husband! You wanted him for yourself. You stuck your big boobs in his face every chance you got.
Cassie was flabbergasted. “I did no such thing. You know how self-conscious I am of my size.”
Jennifer laughed, an unpleasant sound. “Flaunting your chest is not what I call being unsure of yourself. You’re just a bitch. You want everything I have. I’ve hated you since the day you were born.”
Cassie gasped like she’d been sucker punched. And she had.
All Cassie remembered of her childhood was criticism, chastisement, and blame. Jennifer’s bitterness had destroyed any sibling affection between them. She’d even taken their father’s belt to Cassie when their parents were not at home. Never praise. Never kindness, or being allowed to join in with her sister or her friends. Never welcomed, never included in outings. When they got older, Cassie foolishly thought adulthood would make things better. But her sister married a man who had money and still continued to play her games.
“I don’t want you back here when you’ve been drinking. The way you were with dad.”
“What?”
“Dad called me the night before he died. He said you were drunk when you came to his hospital room.”
It took a moment for Cassie to gather her scattered wits. Dad hadn’t known how to call from the hospital bed. He’d been so strung out on pain medication, he could barely tell the difference between the phone and the TV remote.
“You upset him. He was out of breath.”
“His lungs were black with tar. That’s why he was in the hospital. He was on oxygen.” This was just one of Jennifer’s attempts to catch Cassie off guard. And it was working.
“He said you were loud and obnoxious. He was ashamed. I asked him if you’d been drinking and he said, ‘You know your sister’.”
That specific evening arose in her mind crystal clear. She’d kidded with her father and tried to make him laugh.
Cassie refused to permit her oppressive sister to bully her any more. Growing up was bad enough. Mom loved them both. Cassie couldn’t figure out why her sibling felt insecure. She could not allow Jennifer to continue hurting her. She had to believe in herself. This was a discussion for another day and not while their mother lay in a hospital bed. She grabbed her purse and stomped away. Her sister quickly followed.
“Where do you think you’re going? I’m not finished.”
Cassie spun on the balls of her feet. “Well, I am. I am finished with you.”
The shock on Jennifer’s face should have given Cassie some relief. It didn’t. She headed to her mother’s room. Coming to a halt, she peeked in and found her mom sound asleep. By her slow, steady breathing, Mom appeared to be resting and not in pain.
Jennifer closed in, blocking the doorway.
“Do not say another word, Jennifer. Not one word.” Cassie brushed past her and practically ran from the hospital. By the time she slumped in her car, tears flowed freely down her cheeks. Unable to see, let alone drive, she broke down and allowed sobs to rack her body.
Anguish crushed her core. With every tear, she battled the heavy burdens weighing on her soul.
Grief for her dad, worry for her mom, heartache for the wasted years she’d tried to please her family.