Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, there I was holding a bag of ice to my temple, where I’d earned thirteen stitches, sitting in an empty hotel bed and staring at a blank television screen after chasing off one brother by hurting him and the other by shoving him out of my room.
Jacob hadn’t been eager to leave. He’d wanted to talk, but I knew what he wanted to talk about and that was still not a conversation I was ready to have. Not until I knew for sure. Not until I’d considered the consequences and was prepared for the fallout.
Matt had taken off, and while I guessed he was back in his cabin, I knew he didn’t want to see me. Not after what I’d said. I might not have meant it in the way he’d taken it, but I hadn’t said or, more importantly, done anything to show him otherwise.
I needed to know exactly how I felt and get good and comfortable with it before I approached either of them. All three of our lives had been changed when Matt stepped up to that altar. Or going back a little further, our lives had been changed when Jacob didn’t show up. Or going farther back still, our lives had been changed the first day we’d all met, three lives weaving together, somehow tangling into an unwieldy knot over the course of twenty years.
My head was still throbbing, a few bruises starting to splotch my skin from the fall, as I stared at that blank television screen and saw what felt like my whole life story play before me. Seeing their life stories unfold along with mine. Matt and Jacob were such a part of my life, they were woven into the very person I was today. They were both a part of me and they always would be, but I could only pick one to spend my life with. One to share a life with, and the other to sever ties with.
I knew that was inevitable. It was the only way it could be after everything. I couldn’t choose one and still be friends with the other. That might have worked for the past decade, but it wouldn’t work after this. I also knew that might have been due to the brother my conscience had already silently chosen. He might have been okay with a friendship while his brother got more, but it wouldn’t work the other way around.
When the knock sounded at my door, I instantly checked the time on my phone. I’d kept it in my lap all evening, hoping it would ring or Matt would send me a message or something to know he hadn’t walked through the last door in my life.
It was after nine. Jacob had said he was going to hit the gym and grab dinner after. He’d said he’d swing me up something if I wanted, but I knew what that dinner would come with a side of—more questions. He’d told me to call him if I needed anything, that he’d be five minutes or less away, but he’d promised to give me space.
Sliding out of bed, I grabbed my bathrobe and tied it on. After Jacob finally left, I’d pulled the towel off my shoulder and stood in front of the mirror for a long time, staring at the mark resting above my breast. It looked like a flower just starting to blossom. I stared at it until I could almost feel Matt’s mouth on me again, pulling at my skin, taking a part of me and leaving a part of him behind.
Doing a quick check in the mirror, I made sure the bathrobe was covering the mark before I checked the peephole. The person standing on the other side of the door was not who I was expecting. Kind of the last person I was expecting, given her allegiance to the brother I’d just hurt in a way I’d never intended.
My fingers froze on the door handle. I could just pretend I wasn’t here. She’d go away eventually. Maggie Stevenson and I had never been friends by any stretch of the word. We’d been more like silent adversaries through high school, then avoided each other as much as possible ever since. She was Matt’s friend. I was Matt’s friend. By transitive means, that should have made us friends, instead of the opposite.
“I came here to say something to you. So if you don’t want to open the door, that’s cool. I have no problem saying what I need to right here in the hallway.” Maggie’s volume was growing with every word. “For everyone to hear.”
Sighing, I resigned myself to this conversation. When I opened the door, I found her standing there, brows peaked, holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and a couple of paper cups in another.
“Surprise. It’s nice to see you too.” She smirked at me and what I guessed was my expression at the moment. Then she slid past me into the room.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, cutting to the chase.
She was here for a reason, not to shoot the shit, and the sooner we hashed it out, the sooner I could get back to hashing everything else out. Plus, Maggie didn’t do bullshit. She told it like it was. It was one of the things I respected about her. It was also what intimidated me about her.
“I’m here to have a little woman-to-woman talk with you.” She waved the bottle in the air before setting it on the desk and giving the bandage covering my temple a curious look. “And I brought my little friend, Dom Perignon, because if this chat goes according to plan, I’m going to be drinking the shit out of this stuff while I celebrate.”
Closing the door, I stayed where I was. “Celebrate what?”
“A good friend’s happily ever after. Finally,” she added, looking at me standing there in my bathrobe, my hair a limp, tangled mess, like she was trying to figure me out.
“Does Matt know you’re here?” I asked, crossing my arms.
“No. Matt definitely does not know I’m here.” Maggie kicked off her sandals and plopped down onto the end of the mattress, tucking her leg beneath her. “He wouldn’t approve if he did, and I can tell from your warm smile that you don’t approve, but I’m tired of this evasive shit going on between you two. I’m saying what I need to, once and for all.”
“It’s never seemed like you had a problem saying what you needed to.” I moved into the room and paused at the desk.
Maggie had never pulled her words when she’d been firing them at me or anyone else. Whenever she’d had occasion to go at me, it had always had something to do with Matt. She’d always accused me of doing things to hurt him or lead him on, like I spent my whole existence plotting ways to bring Matt Adams to his knees. What I’d never told her was that I felt the same, but the other way around. It seemed like Matt was coursing his life from one hurting-me moment to the next leading-me-on moment.
“I didn’t say half of what I wanted to say to you back then. But I’m about to say it all now, no matter what you or Matt think about it.”
“He doesn’t want you here because he doesn’t want you to say what you came here to tell me, right?” I dropped into the same desk chair Matt had set me in to fix me up. It didn’t feel the same without him crouching in front of me though.
“You don’t have a clue what I’m here to tell you. Neither does he.” Maggie’s voice was muffled from the hair tie she’d stuck into her mouth as she remade her ponytail.
I had a guess. One I’d been going back and forth between, but what had to be the only possibility after everything. “Matt. You’re here to tell me that he doesn’t want me. Not like, beyond this week.”
I swallowed, my gaze diverting out the dark windows. Matt might have harbored some feelings for me, some deep-seated desires, but he’d fulfilled them all that night he’d taken me into his bed. Whatever fascination he’d had with me had been realized, and while his friendship would be there for me whenever I needed it, there was nothing hiding behind that designation. Nothing that ran deeper.
“He doesn’t like me, does he?” I asked.
Maggie made a face like my words were insulting her. “He doesn’t like you?”
My eyes connected with hers for a brief moment. “Not in the way you know I’m talking about.”
She shook her head, blinking a few times like she was waking up. “Hi, welcome to planet Earth,” she said in a mock cheery voice, waving in my direction. “The place where brains and sound-thinking make the planet go round.”
My eyes lifted. “What? I know he has feelings for me, just not the same kind or to the same degree as mine.”
“Okay, back up. That, right there.” Maggie’s finger stabbed in my direction. “That’s what I want to delve deeper into. Your feelings for him. We’ll get to his feelings for you in a minute. First, spill. Your guts. Your feelings. Your heart. I want it, right here, scattered on the floor in front of me for my viewing pleasure.” Maggie motioned at the floor with a grand flourish, waiting.
I didn’t know what to say. Where to start, or how to even start. How did a person sum up a lifetime of emotions in a handful of words? How could I define it to someone else when I had yet to explain it to myself?
“Come on. What’s going through that pretty little head of yours? Right this very moment.” Maggie scooted forward on the bed, circling her hand like she was trying to encourage me on.
“A lot,” was the only way to answer that question.
“I bet. Thought you were marrying one brother only to find out you married the other, who you’re starting to finally realize you love too.” She paused, giving me a chance to challenge her. I didn’t. She smiled. “The upside to this whole cluster of fuck is that either way, you’ll wind up Mrs. Cora Adams.”
I threw my head back over the headrest, grumbling, “I’m so confused. I’ve been confused about how I felt about them for years, but now. . .” I came up short, searching for the right word. I wasn’t sure there was a right word in the human language for what I was feeling.
“That’s not confusion you’re warring with when it comes to Matt.” Maggie’s voice was the gentlest I’d ever heard it as she leaned toward me. “It’s knowing how you feel, but believing you shouldn’t feel that way. That’s different. Being afraid to admit the truth isn’t the same as not knowing it.”
My breath came out all at once. “I know.”
“So you like him?” she asked, adding, “In the way you know I’m talking about?”
My eyes met hers. I nodded.
Her hand compacted into a fist as she drove her elbow back like she was celebrating. “Do you love him?”
I hadn’t expected her to ask that. I hadn’t been bracing for that word. It was a big one, possibly the biggest one on the planet.
“Hey, I spilled my guts.” I waved at the floor between us. “Now it’s time to get to the part about how he feels about me.” I wasn’t saying anything else until she gave something up. I guessed she knew, or had some idea, how Matt felt about me. They’d spent god only knows how many hours at that beach bar talking about whatever they had been. She knew if Matt wanted more from me or if he’d taken all he wanted.
A minute went by, the slowest minute of my life.
Then her eyes found mine. “You know how he feels about you.” Her head tipped. “Deep down, somewhere inside, you’ve always known.”
“But—”
“You know,” she interrupted, her words slow and strong. “Don’t fool me. Don’t fool yourself. You know. Your heart knows. It just hasn’t gotten around to convincing the rest of you.”
Everything started to close in around me until life seemed impossibly clear because I could see everything making it up. It wasn’t the big picture I’d been waiting for; it was the microscopic details. It wasn’t thinking about the past two decades I’d known Matt; it was remembering every day, all of the moments that had made up those nearly twenty years.
“Why didn’t he . . . ?” I started, failing to finish my thought. “He never said anything. Never gave me any indication that he might —”
“Feel the same way as you?”
My hands wrung in my lap. “Yeah. I wasn’t pretending with Jacob. I did care for him. I do care for him. Just with Matt . . . he was a gamble.”
“You were with Jacob. Matt thought that’s what you wanted.” She stood up from the bed and wandered into the bathroom. When she came out, she was carrying a few tissues. I didn’t know I’d started crying until she placed them in my lap. “He put what he wanted aside so you could have what you wanted. Or what you seemed to want.”
“Yeah?” I dabbed at my face, wondering if there was any end to the mess I’d made in these brothers’ lives. I was starting to doubt if there was.
“If you find me someone who’s willing to play second-string for years, being the friend while his brother takes all the credit, then swoops in to save the day when I’ve never needed a hero more, I will auction off all of my non-essential internal organs to the highest bidder.”
She was trying to make me smile or laugh or lighten up, but I felt buried under the avalanche of realizations still tumbling down on me. “But Jacob . . . we’ve been together for years. We were supposed to get married. I’m still wearing the engagement ring he gave me . . . attached to the wedding ring his brother put on my finger.” My head shook as I stared at the rings on my finger. “How messed up is that?”
I guessed Maggie would have loved to answer that question for me. She would have accompanied it with a detailed outline and PowerPoint presentation with proven research as to how perfectly and thoroughly messed up I was. For whatever reason, she was staying quiet though.
“Why do you love Jacob?” she finally asked, her face giving nothing away.
My forehead creased. “Because I do.”
“Yeah”—she fired me a mock smile—“gonna need to give me more than that, sunshine. Let’s try something else. What has he done for you that’s made you think, Damn, that’s why I love that man. The big stuff. What really stands out? He’s done something to earn your love, right?” From the note of doubt in her voice, I guessed she wasn’t totally convinced.
But I was. Jacob had done things to earn my love. I wouldn’t have been with him if he hadn’t, especially with the way the past few years had tested every level of our foundation.
“My birthday always fell the week before school started, and Jacob, Matt, and their dad always took that week to vacation in Cabo. I never got to go because it was some guys’ trip where they fished and smoked cigars and did whatever else guys do.” Maggie and I wrinkled our noses at the same time, imagining it. “But every year, flowers always arrived at the front door, every hour on the hour, nine o’clock in the morning to nine at night. I think it was his way of showing me he wished he could be there when he couldn’t be. His way of making me feel special.” I thought about my last birthday, how the flowers had shown up at work for me instead since I’d been working a long shift.
Across from me, Maggie was quiet. Too quiet. “Anything else?”
I shifted. “There was the time I had my appendix out and had to miss a ton of school. Jacob collected my homework from each of my classes everyday, completed it for me, and turned it all in. I didn’t know about it until I returned and got back all of these assignments I hadn’t completed. He never said anything—he wasn’t looking for any credit. He just did it for me.”
Still quiet, Maggie cleared her throat. “Dare I ask if there’s anything else?”
My mind flitted to a certain night years ago, the year we’d all been sophomores and gone to the first party of the year at one of Jacob’s lacrosse friends’ houses. It was a night I didn’t think about often. It was also the same night I knew I could, or that maybe I already did, love Jacob Adams.
“Nothing?” Maggie prompted.
There were other things I could have mentioned, but they paled in comparison to what Jacob had done for me that night. Everything in my life could have changed during a handful of moments if it hadn’t been for him. Stepping in when he had. Carrying me away from that place how he had.
My whole life could have taken an abrupt detour from that one moment, but it didn’t.
“There was a party one night. Our sophomore year.” I tried to recount the night without reliving it. I’d never shared the story with anyone, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to right now, but she’d asked me why I loved Jacob. This was the catalyst for why.
“Jeremy Penchant’s party. First weekend after school started.” There wasn’t a question in her voice; it was like she’d read my mind.
“That’s right. It was my first time drinking, and it didn’t exactly agree with me.”
“I remember. The tables still remember the scrape of your heels, I’m sure.” Maggie pursed her lips.
“You were there?”
She nodded once. “I was there.”
“I went with Matt and Jacob, but they were hanging over my shoulder like overprotective big brothers, so I managed to sneak away from them so I could actually mingle with other people.”
“And dance on tables,” Maggie added.
“Like I said, heavy-handed screwdrivers and sixteen-year-old drinking novice Cora Matthews did not get along well.”
“Oh, it looked like the two of you got along really, really well.” Maggie eyed the sofa table like she was reliving the scene.
“A while later, post table dancing, I found myself in a room alone. It was dark, there was a bed, and I was so tired. I felt like I just needed a nap and I’d feel better.” I had to stop there, waiting for my courage to catch up to my words. “One minute I’m falling asleep, and the next I wake up to the sound of someone in the room with me. Heavy breathing, the sound of clothes being taken off. The feel of someone trying to take off my clothes.” My back quaked, but I kept going.
That night had been almost a decade ago, but I still remembered everything about it. From the smell of the musky cologne he’d been wearing, to the way his hands had been clammy and rushed.
“It didn’t get far before Jacob found me. He hit the guy once, knocked him out, then carried me out of there. He took me home, put me into bed, and essentially saved me from something that could have changed me forever.” I sat up straighter in my chair, making myself look Maggie in the eye. I was surprised to find her eyes glassy. I hadn’t thought Maggie Stevenson capable of tears. “The next morning when I woke up and remembered what had happened, that’s when I realized I loved him. He’d saved me. Protected me. Taken care of me. He’d shown me what love was, instead of just trying to convince me of it.”
Maggie sniffed as she shifted on the bed. “And did your hero ask you anything about it the next day?”
“No, not directly. He asked if I was okay. If I needed anything. But when I didn’t bring it up, I think he realized I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to forget it.”
Maggie’s hand lifted. “So let me just stop you there.” Her eyes narrowed like she was trying to decide what to say next. “Every reason you just listed, every reason you gave me that you have for loving Jacob, is misplaced.” She leaned forward, clasping her hands. “It wasn’t Jacob. The birthday flowers, the homework, saving you that night—it wasn’t him. Every reason you think you love Jacob is really because of Matt.”
Whatever she saw on my face made her stop talking. I guessed it was her way of giving me a chance to catch up to what she’d just said.
“What are you talking about? That was Jacob.”
She barked out a laugh. “Please. Does Jacob really seem like the flower type of guy? And doing a couple weeks’ worth of someone else’s homework? He couldn’t even get his finished on time.”
My mind felt like it was being invaded by an army of conquerors. Everything
I thought I’d known, everything I’d believed, suddenly seemed to be false.
“That night? For sure?” The words came out as a whisper as I tried to remember the face that had shoved through that bedroom door. Everything was so hazy thanks to the alcohol. “How do you know?”
Maggie inhaled. “Because Matt told me.”
“He told you?” My throat ran dry as I wondered what else about that night I didn’t know or couldn’t remember. “Were you there? Did you see anything? Did you see the guy?”
Maggie gave me a sympathetic look before rising to head back into the bathroom. This time she emerged with a glass of water. “No, I wasn’t there. I didn’t see anything or him. But I know who it was.” She stopped in front of me, waiting for me to take the glass.
My arms couldn’t move though—nothing could. “How?”
“Because Matt found out who it was—some guy from another school.”
My heart felt like it could explode from how fast it was going. “Why would he tell you and not me?”
Maggie didn’t settle back onto the edge of the bed. She wandered to the window, staring out it with her arms crossed. “Because I guess he had some talk with you that next morning and kind of inferred that you never wanted to talk about anything related to that night ever again.”
She glanced back at me, expecting an argument. She wouldn’t get one from me. I hadn’t wanted to ever think, let alone talk, about that night. As hard as it had been tonight, it would have been impossible when I was sixteen.
“But he wasn’t going to let the guy just get away with it either,” she said.
“When he told me he was going to call the cops and tell them he walked in on this asshole undressing some girl he didn’t know, I might have suggested an idea.”
When she didn’t say anything else, I swiveled in my chair so I was angled toward her. “An idea?”
She shrugged, turning around to face me. “That I could be that girl,” she said as though it were obvious. “There was no way that guy was going to serve any time without the actual victim testifying, so, voila, I became the victim.”
My mouth fell open. “You lied in a court of law?”
Maggie’s eyes rolled. “It wasn’t a court of law. It was a couple of police officers who took my testimony, along with Matt’s.”
I gave her a look, waiting for the punch line. There had to be one, right? Matt was really Jacob that night. She pretended to be me. There was a perfectly logical solution to it all—she was messing with me.
When she stood there, straight-faced and silent, my hands drew to my mouth. “Oh my god. You’re serious.”
“Damn straight I’m serious,” she said, pointing at me. “And don’t look at me like that. What I did was put a would-be rapist behind bars for a few weeks so he could hopefully reflect on what he’d done and think twice before trying it again. I didn’t lose any sleep over it, that’s for damn sure.”
My world felt like it was crumbling around me—at the same time it felt as though it were all coming together. She wasn’t lying. I could see that in her eyes. I could feel it in my bones. This had happened, and I was finally finding out the truth almost a decade later.
“Why didn’t he say anything? Why didn’t he tell me he found me instead of letting me believe it was Jacob?” I whispered, rising from the chair because I couldn’t keep still any longer.
“You didn’t want to talk about it. You wanted to put it behind you.” She motioned at me, sighing. “And he wanted whatever you wanted.”
Now I was the one pacing, trying to figure out what this all meant. What I had to do now. “Why tell me after keeping it a secret for so long?”
Maggie leaned into the windowsill, giving me a sad smile. “Because you deserve to know the truth. And he deserves the damn credit for once in his life.” She looked at me like she was waiting for me to acknowledge that. “He’s the one, Cora. The real goddamn deal. Don’t let him go because you feel guilty or think you should do the right thing or anything stupid like that. Be with the person you want to be with. Stop wasting time.”
Everything that had been out of focus for the past few days, for the past ten years, suddenly seemed clear. I had the answers I needed; now I just needed the courage to confront them.
“Thank you.” I stopped moving, kind of wanting to give her a hug but kind of knowing she might go Kill Bill on me if I tried. “For doing that for me. For being brave when I wasn’t.”
Maggie’s response was a simple shrug, like it was no big deal. “It wasn’t just for you. It was for women everywhere who might wind up drinking a little too much and dancing really, really poorly on tabletops.”
As her smile moved into place, so did mine.
“It was for him. Matt, who would do anything for you. In case you haven’t figured that out yet.” Her gaze dropped to my left hand, where the ring on it felt suddenly very heavy. Like it was a weight that would carry me down and eventually drown me if I didn’t find some way to be free of it. “And for the record, I believe you love Jacob. Hell, I even believe the selfish asshole loves you. But love is not enough. It isn’t.” Her head whipped so hard that as she shook it, half of her ponytail fell out again. “Not when it comes to the person you want to spend your life with. You need trust, and sacrifice, and friendship and loyalty and a shit-ton of other stuff.” She stopped listing things off on her fingers to stab her finger at me. “Love is not enough. That’s a lie. And you know it.”
Fresh tears were winding down my face, but I didn’t use the tissues to wipe them away. I was tired of hiding my emotions. Exhausted from disguising my feelings. “How do you know I believe that?”
“Because you know the difference.” Her expression called me out, knowing she had me.
“Yeah, I do,” I said as I slid the ring off of my finger. Whatever the wedding meant, wherever that left the three of us, I knew one thing. “Matt. He’s the difference.”
Maggie kind of fell into the desk chair, like she’d just drained the last of her energy. “You have no idea how many years I’ve waited for you to say that,” she hollered, stomping her feet on the floor. Her eyebrows bounced, a huge smile in place. “We poppin’ the champagne now?”
“Not yet,” I said, already backing toward the door. I didn’t bother with shoes or changing—I’d lost enough time as it was. “I have things to do first. I have two people I owe a couple of explanations to.”
“You might want some champagne in your system for that,” Maggie suggested as I pulled the door open.
“Got anything stronger?” I teased, pausing outside the door.
“Not on me.” She patted her pockets. “I downed the last mini bottle on the elevator ride up to get me through this talk.”
Before I left, I paused. “Thanks, Maggie. For everything you did before, and everything you’ve done just now.”
She made a face, like she’d done nothing. “Hey, you need a wing-woman?” she called as the door started to shut behind me.
“I’d love one, but I have to do this one on my own.”
Then I started down the hall, feeling like I was taking the first step in a new life.