Chapter Thirty-Seven — Maya

As soon as I closed the door to my hotel room, I went to the bathroom to find my trusty blades. They were always there. Waiting for me. No judgment. No pity. Cold and hard and real.

I hadn’t needed them in a long time, and I should have thrown them out a long time ago, but like an alcoholic always craving the next drink, I wanted to know I had access to my source of relief at any time I needed them.

Was it sick that while I was studying to help other people overcome their own problems I myself had a set of special blades stashed away in case? In case of what? Life sucked? Yeah, sometimes life hurt, sometimes it wasn’t fair. Sometimes we didn’t understand why something was happening to us.

But it was just life. Normal life.

And hurting was part of living as much as what happiness and joy were.

I wish I could tell that to Megan Childs. My mom didn’t have to do it, and neither did I. There was far more to live for.

Life, in spite of sometimes being fucked-up, was beautiful.

It was time to take the blades out of their special case. Slowly unwrapping the surgical steel razors, I hummed softly to myself. The blades glistened in the mirror as the light reflected off them, catching my attention and causing me look up into the mirror. 

I appraised my own face as if I’d just seen it for the first time.

Astonished, I kept staring into my eyes, dulled by the intense pain in their depths. They appeared flat and dead. 

Yet it wasn’t the same face staring back at me as always. This woman was different. Stronger. She knew what she wanted out of life, and it wasn’t to hurt anyone or anything she loved. Including herself.

Although the pain that came from loving someone so hard and being rejected was impossible to ignore, this wasn’t the way my life had to play out. I could choose another course. I could keep living and finding joy in other things. I could focus on my job and help other damaged souls. I had a purpose and a place in this world, even if it was without the love of my life.

Yes, Oliver had become that for me. Nobody else would do. Even when we were apart, thoughts of him consumed me. That would never change, but I could live with it. I was capable of dealing with the agony of unrequited love.

My heart was shredded—cut into a million pieces. No blade was responsible. All it took was one man not wanting me like I wanted him.

Maybe time would heal it? Dull the constant ache? Nothing could compare to how shattered I was. Losing Oliver was worse than losing my life. No amount of hurting or harming outwardly could come close to the suffering of my heart.

I placed the blade back in its wrapping and walked to the bin. I didn’t need these any longer. There’s no point. Those sharp edges could never cut as deep as Bianca’s words had.

With a wry smile, I uncurled my fingers and let go, dropping the metal pieces into the garbage where they belonged. The feeling of elation that flowed through me surpassed the despair I’d felt earlier.

Proud as fuck of myself, I rushed to pack my bags. I’d live. I’d soak up whatever life had to offer. But right this minute, I had to get as far away as possible from the cause of my bleeding heart.

Five minutes later I made my way down the elevator towards the check out desk. “Hi,” I said as brightly as I could muster to the woman behind the desk who’d booked me in a short few hours ago. “I have an emergency to tend to. I need to leave and get to the airport as soon as possible. Can I please settle my account and have a taxi pick me up?”

“Sure, Miss Childs. You’re lucky you caught me—I’m just about to go off duty. I’ll quickly finalize your account before I go.” She smiled up at me, her eyes running over my body. “By the way, I love your leather jacket. Very trendy.”

“Thanks.” The jacket was nowhere near warm enough without my coat, but it would have to do until I could get home.

“Taxis are waiting outside. Since it's a Friday night, most of our patrons go out to the popular bars around this area. Pity you couldn’t stay to enjoy Danish hospitality.”

“Yeah, pity,” I echoed, impatient to get the hell out of there. She didn’t need to know that the short while I spent at one of the lovely trendy bars in this city was one of the worst experiences of my life.”

Sliding into the back seat of the taxi, I sighed deeply.

“Where to, lady?”

“Airport please,” I said, fighting to hold back the tears. I’d come with so much hope in my heart. All my dreams had been dashed and I just wanted to get out of there.

Where to, lady? The driver’s question echoed in my mind. Where was I going?

I closed my eyes and let my mind run free. If I could be anywhere in the world right now, where would I want to be? Heck, I’d already flown all the way to Europe; a short flight to somewhere I’d always dreamed of going would be a perfect time out to heal my broken heart.

London. I'd always wanted to see the place my mother was born and raised before meeting my father and moving to California. It always lurked somewhere in the back of my mind that maybe one of the reasons she felt so blue when I was born was that she was so far away from her family. Maybe I could look up an aunt or a cousin and get to know my mother a bit better through their eyes. I'd never had real contact with them besides a few birthday cards and Christmas gifts. I smiled. Between Google and my great research skills, I'd be able to trace somebody down.

“Thanks,” I said to the driver as I reached for my purse to pay the fair. He handed my bags to me.

“Hope you find your happiness, Miss.” He said with a wide, gap-toothed grin. Was it that obvious?

“I hope so too,” I said, smiling and adding an extra tip to the fare.

At the counter, I managed to purchase a ticket to a flight that was boarding in just over an hour. Great. I'd have time to browse the news agency and grab a paperback to read. I was in the mood for something sweet and romantic to take my mind off my own situation.

“These are our best sellers—I’m sure you’ll find something in this pile,” the friendly lady said as she pointed me towards the romance section of the store.

I grinned, feeling some of the heaviness in my heart lift as I perused the stack of books. Just what I needed. Since I was an avid reader, I’d need a few to help me through the next few days. I loved getting lost in a novel, taking me to other places and living through the heroine. I just hoped none of them had a life as fucked up as mine. I definitely needed a happily ever after, even if it was only in a novel.

At least I’d always have my dream. It felt so real, the way Oliver had made love to me for the first and only time. The one night that Oliver King belonged to me and said he loved me. I’d always have that; no one could take it away. And because it was a dream, not even Oliver could deny me it. Whenever I needed him, all I had to do was close my eyes and slip back into that dream.

I could relive it a million times—it was mine to keep forever.