Chapter Twelve
Dani
One year later …
As I left my apartment in Kolkata, I smiled at the same man that sold starfruit in front of my building every morning. He smiled back as I strolled down the street.
It was the last week of my summer abroad. At the end of my first semester in college, I’d signed up to go to India and volunteer. It had been an easy choice because I didn’t want to stay home with my mother all summer, and spending time with Justine for another summer was out of the question. Sure, we’d been friendly through the year, exchanging emails and talking about our various adventures. She’d even invited me to visit again.
But I couldn’t do that. Justine had been so generous twelve months ago, and what would I possibly have to offer her in return? I couldn’t expect her to fund my bills and take me shopping again.
Not to mention, I didn’t want to run into Hunter. And Justine must have known, deep down, what was wrong…but she’d never said anything.
I still felt so stupid and naïve.
So, India it was instead. It was a nice change because my first year at college had been hard. I can’t say that I was strong all the time. On my first night in my college dorm room, I broke down and called Hunter’s phone number. By that time, it had been disconnected. And that was enough to tell me that Hunter was really done with me because guys only change their numbers for one reason – to get rid of a pesky girl.
After that, I knew that I had to get myself through it. I immersed myself in my studies, joined a few clubs, and made a few friends.
And when I saw that ad for the India volunteer trip, I knew it was my chance to make different memories. New memories that could fill me with joy and not be tinted with sadness. And so far, my experience has been great. I volunteer in the city with a few other students teaching English, and it’s really rewarding and fun. Because although English is the lingua franca of India, there are many poorer citizens who don’t speak the language well. So thus the classes to help improve and burnish their skills.
Plus, I’ve met someone. Joshua is one of my fellow teachers, and back home in the States, we’d actually lived in the same dorm. I had seen him a few times before, but never really interacted with him until the first day in India. We had ended up sitting next to each other and had talked a lot about school and whatnot.
We’d also gone out a few times. Usually, it had been in a group, but lately, but we’d also gone on a few dates alone, and I found myself really appreciating the boy. He was kind, thoughtful, gentle and sweet.
If I were in a different mindset, I could even see myself dating Joshua, but a real relationship wasn’t possible. In my soul, I knew I wasn’t ready to move past my heartbreak. And of course, thinking of heartbreak made me think of Hunter. I’d spend nights crying into my pillow for no other reason than the sheer pain that haunted me still. My chest would ache, throat stuffy, eyes red and puffy
But make-up does wonders, and the teabags I’d placed over my eyes ensured that any lingering puffiness was gone. It was time to get to work, and my students were waiting.
Joshua smiled at me as he held open the classroom door. “Hey Daniella,” he said with a smile. “I was wondering when I’d see you.” He feigned shivering. “It’s cold today!”
“Yes, it is,” I said, as I walked into the room. Everyone at college called me Daniella and I didn’t feel like correcting them.
Here, I was strong, independent Daniella. I wanted to shed Dani from my being. Dani was the old me. Dani was the one that was in love with Hunter, pathetic and useless.
And if I could forget Dani, maybe I could forget him.
“What are you doing tonight?” Joshua asked as I set my purse down in my storage cubby.
I inwardly groaned. I didn’t want to let him down again. I wanted nothing more than to give this boy a chance, but I couldn’t shake the pain and longing that I felt for Hunter. Plus, it wasn’t fair to Joshua. He deserved better than a girl mooning over another man.
“I don’t really know. Kimmy wants to go out, but I’m thinking that maybe I should stay in and read a good book,” I waffled.
“You can read at home,” Joshua said with puppy-eyes. “Come on, Daniella. We’re in India. Don’t you want to make the most of it?”
I smiled softly. “I just want to relax. We’ve gone out almost every night, and I have to sleep eventually.”
Joshua smiled, throwing his arm around my shoulders companionably. “Just live by my philosophy. You can sleep when you are dead.”
I just shook my head as he led us down the hallway to another classroom. Joshua made me smile and was funny in his own goofy way. Maybe I could pretend. If I carried on like I was okay, how long would it take for me to actually be normal again?
Late that night, as I stood in front of my mirror, I cursed myself for agreeing to go out because the tired, puffy eyes were back, along with a gray listlessness that seemed to seep into my brain.
“Hey girl!” said Kimmy, as she waltzed out of her room. “Please don’t tell me you are wearing that.” She looked at my top and then my skirt. “You look like a grandma.”
I looked at my tapered skirt and loose blouse. “I do not,” I said primly, smoothing out my skirt.
“Yes, you do. You can look like a school teacher by day, but no one wants to see that at night.” She slipped on some black pumps to match her tight blue dress. Kimmy was my roommate and although we didn’t have much in common, we’d clicked instantly. In fact, Kimmy reminded me a lot of Justine and it was nice to have someone like her in my life, full of wild pronouncements and bubbly energy.
Kimmy snapped her fingers as if she remembered something. “What about that black dress you have in your closet?”
“What black dress?” I asked as I turned in her direction.
“You know. The slinky one. I’ve been begging you to wear it since I saw it. You’ll definitely look hot.”
Oh.
That dress.
The last time I’d worn it, I’d met Hunter.
“I don’t think so,” was my murmur, as I turned around to look at my clothes again. I frowned – my outfit had seemed fine before but now that Kimmy had criticized it, it did look a little dowdy.
Kimmy walked up behind me, holding my shoulders. “No, babe, you are wearing that dress. Come on, it’s perfect.”
I groaned. The dress – like almost everything else nowadays – made me think of my past. I couldn’t look at the material without remembering how Hunter’s hands had felt gliding over my body. I couldn’t look at the hem without remembering how Hunter and I had made passionate love on the beach.
And how I’d been stupid enough to fall for his lies.
Just looking at the tiny slip of fabric brought tears to my eyes, so I’d shoved it as far back in my closet as I could. But knowing that Kimmy had seen the outfit made me realize that I hadn’t been as crafty as I’d thought.
“Why don’t you want to wear it? Dresses like that are begging to be put on and then swiftly taken off,” Kimmy said with a devilish grin.
“If I put that dress on, it’s firmly staying on,” I said, with a little too much conviction.
Kimmy put her hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay, your choice. But seriously, Daniella, we only have a few more nights here. You should live a little and let go. You’ve been so careful. Don’t you want to let your hair down for one night?”
I sighed. I did want to let loose. It was the only part of Dani I missed. So taking a deep breath, I reached into the closet and put on the dress. When I went to show my roommate, Kimmy squealed.
“I knew you’d look hot!” she clapped her hands, as I stared at my reflection. And looking in the mirror, I knew she was right. I did look hot, my curves lovingly emphasized by the clingy material.
What would Hunter say if he saw me in this? But I shut the thought out. He was no longer a part of my life, and I’d never see him again. Besides, Kimmy was on a different wavelength that had nothing to do with my lost love.
“Now let’s go before all the cute boys are gone!” she sang, grabbing her clutch. I followed her obediently, my steps tracing hers. Tonight, I was going to let myself try to be the Dani I once had been. Shy yet vivacious. Fun yet reserved. A rose blooming under Hunter’s masculine gaze.
I just hoped I could remember who she was.
The club was bustling with people. Music blared loudly through speakers from all corners as I followed Kimmy to the back. As we got closer to the back tables I saw Joshua, along with a bunch of other classmates at a few clustered tables. As soon as he saw me, he waved energetically, almost falling out of his seat.
“Wow,” he said, as he got a good look at me. “Daniella, you look amazing.”
I blushed. It had been so long since a man had complimented me. While I knew it was wrong to lead Joshua on, I couldn’t deny that being flattered felt good.
“Thank you,” I muttered.
Kimmy elbowed me in the ribs, whispering in my ear: “See? Am I a genius or what?”
Kimmy had been egging me on the entire summer to hook up with Joshua. Even when I explained to her I wasn’t interested in anything, much less a hookup, she still continued to pester me. At one point, she’d questioned why I was so resistant. I didn’t want to tell her the real reason, so I hid behind wanting to focus on why I was in India – to help kids, not to get laid.
Kimmy had obviously never believed me, but she’d accepted the excuse all the same. Although she was still subtly trying to get me together with Joshua, she wasn’t as aggressive as she had once been.
We were standing there for a few awkward seconds until Joshua leaned in. “Do you want to dance?”
Not really, but I nodded, taking the hand offered. I followed him onto the dance floor and closed my eyes, moving to the music. Josh’s body brushed against me lightly, his arms snaking around to my waist. The contact, although unfamiliar, was okay. It made me think I could forget the sadness. Maybe I could allow myself to forget, just for tonight.
As the music continued to play, I swayed my hips back and forth. As I reached up to touch Joshua’s cheek, my eyes opened but instead of looking at the boy, I gazed into the gaggle of the crowd, settling on pair of familiar icy blue eyes.
The air left my body and I felt a sharp punch to the gut as I recognized that penetrating stare.
They were the same eyes that haunted me in my sleep … and they belonged to none other than the man who had broken my heart.