Not If I Save You First by Ally Carter (18)

Maddie

Maddie wasn’t dying.

No. Logan wouldn’t let her.

When he was little, Logan’s mother used to tell him that he was the most stubborn child in the world. But that had been before they’d both met Maddie. She never gave up. She never gave in.

Maddie clung to life, so Logan clung to her. The farther he walked, the tighter he held her, and Logan didn’t even feel the chill of the falling snow, even though he’d wrapped her in his jacket. He could still see the traces of blood on her face from her fall this morning. He knew the wound on her shoulder was probably still bleeding no matter how hard he had tried to stop it.

The little strip of red made him think about DC and That Night, about the fluttering fabric that trailed behind the rolling cart, about the realization that he might be about to lose his mother.

And then Logan realized that was no longer the scariest moment of his life.

This was the scariest moment of his life.

So Logan gripped her harder and kept moving.

Away from the burning bridge. Away from Stefan’s only path over the ravine, assuming he made it there through the storm and the darkness.

Logan wasn’t going to let Maddie go. Not now. Not ever again.

As soon as he stepped out of the helicopter—as soon as he’d seen her—he’d known she was different. Not just taller. Not just stronger. Not just significantly less sparkly.

No, the real change in Maddie had been in her eyes. They’d always shone like maybe they were bedazzled. But that light was gone, Logan had thought the day before.

Was it just a day?

He had to think. Of course it was. He’d been in Alaska a little over twenty-four hours.

He looked down at the girl who was sleeping in his arms. For twenty-four hours she had felt like a stranger, but with her eyes closed, in the shadowy darkness of the forest with only the palest hint of moonlight reflected off the snow, she looked like the Maddie he used to know, like maybe she had fallen asleep watching a movie or maybe like she was just playing possum, wanting him to tickle her awake. For a minute, he could see his Maddie in the girl in his arms, as long as she was asleep.

So it was harder than it should have been to shake her one more time and say, “Maddie, wake up.”

But she didn’t even stir.

And Logan knew whatever he was doing, it wasn’t enough.

He eased her to the ground and held his breath as he felt for her pulse. It was there, but faint. He leaned closer and felt her breath on his cheek—too light, though. He could see his own breath fogging in the cold air, but Maddie’s was invisible. He had to check again, to make sure it was there.

And only then did Logan start to feel himself panic.

He’d read books on first aid. He’d gone through a documentary kick two summers before, and he knew that Maddie had lost a lot of blood today. She’d been shot. She’d been knocked down a cliff. And head wounds bled like crazy. Plus she was so little and it was so cold outside. No wonder she was shaking.

Except …

Logan went from scared to terrified when he realized she was no longer shaking.

“Maddie!” he yelled. He had to get her awake. He had to get her warm. He had to get her dry and hydrated and fed and … safe. He had to get Maddie safe.

But the snow was heavier. It landed on her face with thick white flakes that melted on her smooth skin. It made it look like she was crying.

And now that Logan had stopped walking, he was starting to shiver, too. His skin was actually slick with sweat, but that was a lie. Logan wasn’t hot. His body was lying to his mind, and soon the shock of it all was going to set in. Soon he was going to crash from this adrenaline and then …

Logan wasn’t going to think about what happened then.

He rested for a moment, sitting on a log, but he kept Maddie on his lap. Maybe to consolidate their body heat. Maybe he didn’t want to place her frail body on top of the snow and the ice. Or maybe Logan just wasn’t going to let her go again. Ever. So he kept her on his lap as he thought.

“Hey, Mad Dog.”

Somehow, Logan knew he had to keep talking. Not for her. But for him.

“You got big, you know. But I guess I got bigger. Mom told me to stop growing, but it’s been a long time since I’ve done what they told me to do. You know that, don’t you?”

Logan looked up at the sky that was so dark. He’d never seen anything so dark. He’d lived most of his life in cities, and even in the country—at places like Camp David—in Logan’s world there were security lights and headlights and flashlights.

There was always light.

But Logan and Maddie were alone in the darkness. He knew that there were millions of acres around them, and Logan didn’t see a single, solitary light—not on any of the distant hills. They were very much alone.

“I don’t think your dad’s going to be able to make it back in this, Mad Dog.” He touched her forehead. It was still warm, but not too warm. If a fever was coming, it hadn’t found her yet.

“I think you’re stuck with me. I think we’re alone. But that’s okay. I promise not to tell anyone. I don’t think they’ll make us get married.”

He looked down at her sleeping face.

Sleeping, Logan reminded himself. He absolutely refused to even think the word unconscious.

“That was a joke, Mad Dog. Wake up and laugh. Or, better yet, wake up and call me an idiot. Do it, I dare you.”

Maddie never had been able to turn down a dare.

That must have been what did it, because Logan saw the snowflakes on her long, dark eyelashes start to flutter.

“Logan,” she said, then tried to move. She tried to roll over in his arms, but Logan just held tighter.

“You’re not here,” she said, eyelids fluttering again, then going still, like she wanted to go back to sleep, but Logan couldn’t let that happen.

“Maddie, stay with me.”

“You’re not here,” she said again, but he shook her. Gently.

“Oh, I’m not?” He wanted to laugh he was so happy just to hear her groggy words.

She tried to twist in his arms again, but this time she was twisting closer, snuggling into his warmth, and Logan didn’t fight her in the least.

“No. You’re gone,” she said. “I’m just dreaming that you’re here. And that you’re hot now.”

“You think I’m hot?”

Maddie made a little sound and nodded, something like uh-huh. “Dream You is. But he’s not real.”

She sounded sad. Disappointed. Lonely.

Logan looked out over the vast, empty darkness. Of course she was lonely. She’d been alone out here long before they were alone out here together.

“Maddie, I’m real,” he whispered, and ran a finger across her forehead, tucking a stray hair underneath the shelter of her tightly drawn hood.

“No,” she said. “You died.”

Then Maddie drew a deep breath and shuddered, wincing in pain. When she closed her eyes, he could almost feel her start to slip away again.

“No! No, stay with me, Maddie. Mad Dog! Wake up!”

Logan was screaming, but he no longer cared who heard him.

“Stay with me, Mad Dog,” he tried again. He shifted her in his arms like a baby who is trying to learn to sit up. “Maddie!”

“Logan?” she said, and she sounded a little more like herself. Which meant she sounded a little like she hated him. It was the sweetest sound that he had ever heard.

“Where’s your coat?” she asked.

“You’re wearing it,” he told her. He didn’t even try to hide his smile.

“You’re an idiot,” she said, trying to push herself upright, trying to take his coat off, he could tell, and give it back to him. But as soon as she moved, she winced. He could see the pain on her face, hear it in her voice as she cried out.

“No, Maddie. Don’t move. You’re hurt.”

“Logan …” He could tell she wanted to argue. Even frozen and bleeding and half dead, Maddie wanted to argue. Then she remembered. “I was shot.”

“Yes,” he said, then tried to smile. “Your shoulder hurts, I know.”

Maddie nodded as if remembering. He did know.

“How long was I out?”

“An hour? Maybe less. Probably less. But it felt like forever. I carried you away from the bridge and—Maddie, stay still. I’ve got you.” He adjusted his grip on her, even though he knew he should get up. They had to keep moving. The sweat was drying on his body, and soon he would start shaking. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to get her to safety or, at the very least, get her warm.

“We can’t stay here, Logan,” she said as if reading his mind. “We’re sitting ducks here.”

“He’s on the other side of the river, remember?”

But Maddie had finally pushed herself upright. She had to face him. “That man’s not the most dangerous thing in Alaska.”

Five minutes before, Logan had been certain he’d never been more afraid in his life, but something in Maddie’s voice changed all that. She knew what she was talking about. She’d survived here for years. And the way she was pushing herself off his lap, the urgency with which she pulled off his coat and her own told him that this mattered. So he didn’t argue.

“There were berries,” she said.

“Yes. Do you want me to find some. I can …”

But Logan trailed off when Maddie started stripping. He knew he should have argued, but he’d lost the ability to speak at all.

It was well below freezing, but Maddie didn’t stop. She just peeled off layer after layer until she could see the piece of Logan’s T-shirt that he had shoved inside her clothes in hopes of stopping the bleeding.

She turned her back to him.

“Is there an exit wound?” she asked.

Numbly, Logan nodded.

“Is there?” she snapped, and he realized she couldn’t see him well.

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“Get some snow. We have to wash the blood off.”

“Maddie, I don’t care about a little blood. I care that you’re going to freeze to death.”

“It smells,” she said.

“I don’t care that you stink, Mad.”

“The bears are awake, Logan,” she practically snapped. “There were berries today, remember? Which means they haven’t run out of food yet. They should have started hibernating by now, but the climate is all screwed up and winters are so much shorter and … the bears are awake. Did you know bears have one of the best senses of smell of any predator on the planet? Polar bears can follow a scent for thirty miles. Grizzlies and black bears are almost as good, and we are surrounded by grizzly and black bears. Now help me wash the blood off.”

“They could be hibernating,” he told her.

It took a beat for her to answer. And it scared him.

“They’re not” was all she said.

“But—”

“I saw one. Earlier today. When I was following you guys. I had to be quiet, which violates rule one of life in Alaska: You always want a bear to hear you coming. But I couldn’t let you guys hear me coming, so … I saw one.”

“Are you okay?” he asked.

She pushed his worry away. “I’m fine. He wasn’t interested in me. But now that the weather’s turned …”

“Oh,” Logan said.

Maddie looked at him. “You think I stink?”

“No. I … Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Maddie reached down, pulled the knife from her boot, and started cutting away the pieces of her shirt that were the bloodiest.

Even in the moonlight, Logan could tell that Maddie’s skin was as white as the snow. He might have called her Snow White. He might have joked or teased, but she was starting to shake again. He could tell she was struggling to stay upright.

But the bullet had passed right through her shoulder, and the wound was clotting well. They tore up her base layer and used it to scrub away the blood as best they could. When they were done, she handed him the pieces of her shirt and the part of his that he’d used to stanch the bleeding.

They’d been walking parallel to the river, but upstream. Logan just hadn’t known where else to go.

So Maddie took the bloodiest of the rags and wrapped them around a rock, tying them over and over. She walked to the tree line and pulled back her arm to throw, but she winced and almost went to her knees. She would have if Logan hadn’t caught her.

“I’ve got you,” he said. She looked back at him, over her good shoulder. He could have sworn she let him take a little more of her weight, leaned into him with a little more softness.

He snaked his hand down her arm, then took the bundle from her hands.

“Let me.”

He pulled back his strong right arm and threw as hard as he could.

In the center of the river, where the current was strongest, the water hadn’t iced over. That was where the bundle landed. Logan knew it without seeing it, without hearing the telltale plop.

The bundle was gone. The rags were at the bottom of the river. But Maddie was still in his arms and she was still shaking.

They’d cut away the blood-covered portion of her clothing, and he helped her pull everything else back on. When he tried to zip her into his coat again, she shook her head.

“You need it,” she said.

“You’re in shock, Mad. You have to get warm.” He tried again to wrap the coat around her, but Maddie was gaining her stubbornness even if not her strength.

“You’re bigger than I am.”

“Exactly.” He shook the coat out again and reached for her.

“Which means if you go down, we’re both in trouble. I need you, Logan.” The words hurt her. But she said them anyway because there were too many things in those woods that could hurt them. Maddie wasn’t the kind of girl who was willing to be killed by a secret. “I need you to be okay.”

Slowly, Logan nodded. He pulled on his coat and zipped it up, placed the hood over his head.

“Now what?” he asked her.

She was finally bundled inside her own clothes and standing on her own feet, but they were both running on fumes.

“We walk,” she said, then gave one last look across the river, to the place where some unknown man hunted them for some unknown reason. “We try to get as far away from here as possible.”