CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“I’m so sorry,” the woman at the desk said to Tabitha. “But it looks like there’s a hold on your insurance card.”
Tabitha didn’t even know that could happen, though, of course, she had been waiting for this moment. She and Fern were back at the hospital for the next round of tests.
“Huh, okay, well can you bill me?”
“Sure,” the woman said. “But I would call your insurance company right away to get this straightened out.”
Ha! Tabitha thought. Like it was something she’d be able to straighten out. 911—she wanted to text Stuart—your daughter is at the hospital, again, and we are going to owe hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars that I personally don’t have. 911—where are you? I need you.
They spent much of the day there. Levi was on his own again to get to and from school. In the end, none of the tests showed anything conclusive, though one was going to take a few days to come back. When Fern was on the pain medication, she was pretty much okay, but when it wore off, her knee hurt so much that it seemed to be all she could think about. Tabitha started to panic about so many things. What the heck was wrong with Fern? And what was going to happen if she just kept racking up bills? Could they eventually take the apartment away from her? What else could they do?
Tabitha’s phone rang just as they were leaving the office. The doctor was still talking, so she didn’t feel she could answer it, but she sneaked a peek. It was Toby. Without realizing it, she let out an audible sigh, and the doctor stopped talking for a minute. He thought she was reacting to something he said.
“Sorry,” she said.
“Don’t apologize,” the doctor said. “This is a lot to take in. We’ll be in touch as soon as the last test comes back, and we’ll come up with next steps.”
“Thank you,” Tabitha said, but all she could think of was finding a place where she could call Toby back.
Fern followed her, but slowly. Tabitha was slightly ahead and turned to look at her daughter struggling to keep up. She moved her good leg fast, then sort of swung her bad leg around to meet it, then did it again. She had a look of exertion on her face. Tabitha felt like she was on a seesaw—up one second—Yay, Toby called!—and down the next—My daughter is suffering!
There was a bench up ahead, and Tabitha walked to it, then sat. She pulled out her phone. Toby didn’t leave a message, she just had the notification of a missed call. Should she call back? Would she appear overeager? But before she had to decide, her phone rang again, and it was Toby.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey yourself,” he said. “I was just calling back to try to leave a message. I called before, but it didn’t go to voicemail.”
Tabitha’s first thought was that all her systems were breaking down. Her second thought was how glad she was to hear from him.
“How’s your mother?” she asked. She wanted to tell him about Fern, but she didn’t want to one-up his story, whatever it might be.
“Oh, she’s okay,” he said. “We worried she broke a bone, but we took her for an X-ray and she didn’t. She’s just bruised. She’s fine. Resting, and she can’t get around much, at least for the next few days, but she’s fine.”
“Oh, good,” Tabitha said as Fern joined her on the bench. “I’m glad.”
“I’m sorry I ran out on you like that,” Toby said. “First things first, though, is my chair okay?”
Tabitha laughed. Fern stood up quickly and motioned for Tabitha to get off the phone. She shook her head and put up one finger, letting her know she just needed a minute.
“No,” Fern said loudly. “Get off the phone now!”
“Fern,” Tabitha said, putting her hand over the phone. “I just need a second. Then we can go.”
Fern grabbed the phone out of Tabitha’s hand and threw it on the floor. They both stared at it. Then Fern made a move to stomp on it. Tabitha grabbed her, stopping her, and picked up the phone.
“I’ll have to call you back,” she said to Toby, not waiting for an answer, not even making sure he was still there, before ending the call.
“What was that all about?” Tabitha asked.
“I’m so tired of you always being on the phone,” she whined. “You aren’t normal anymore. I’m so tired of it.”
Tabitha reached out to calm Fern, but she pulled away, and then she started running, as best she could, down the hall and around the corner, Tabitha thought toward the elevators. Tabitha was aware of people looking at her, and kept her eyes down as she followed Fern’s route. She wanted to scream at Fern, but that would just draw more attention. She would really yell when they got outside, when nobody could hear them. She would punish Fern for acting like that. She would make her sorry.
As she rounded the corner, there was a tiny boy, walking, but clearly not developing in the normal way, with an oxygen tube in his nose. His mother, at least it looked like his mother, was right behind him, carrying the oxygen tank. Tabitha could see he was struggling, and the mother was encouraging him to keep going. It took all the anger out of her sails. When she moved past them, she saw Fern, sitting on a bench by the elevators, crying. She didn’t look up when Tabitha approached.
“I’m so sorry, Fernie Bernie,” Tabitha said. “I am just so sorry.”
She sat down and reached for Fern, and this time Fern let her.
Tabitha didn’t call Toby back until much later that night, after Fern was asleep.
“Hey,” she said. “I’m so sorry about that. Fern was upset. She had a bit of a tantrum, which is so unlike her, but I guess it happens to the best of them.”
“It certainly does,” Toby said warmly. “Believe me, I know girl tantrums.”
“So, where were we?” Tabitha asked, smiling into the phone.
“Well,” Toby said. “I was just about to ask you out on a proper date. I’m not even sure if that’s okay, we were interrupted when we were talking about what is and isn’t okay. I figure we can go out and then talk about it. I promise you I will not get my hopes up.”
Again, Tabitha laughed. “Sure,” she said. “When?”
“Tomorrow?”
“What time?”
“I have Tara tomorrow night, so I was thinking lunch? My treat, of course.”
“That sounds perfect.”
The next morning she got up and walked out with the kids.
“No way,” Levi said. “You can’t not walk us and then walk us. It’s embarrassing.”
Fern just looked at her. She should be driving Fern, really, but with the pain meds she’d been okay. The question was, how long was too long to stay on the pain meds? 911—our daughter needs pain pills to walk! And I’m afraid she’s going to become addicted to them.
“Okay,” Tabitha said. “I understand.”
The kids nodded once in unison; they clearly expected a fight. Or at least Levi did. Tabitha stood on the sidewalk and watched them go through the Square, the way Fern always wanted to go, and across toward Nineteenth Street and beyond. Once she could see them cross by the library, she walked in the other direction toward Starbucks.
“I’ll have an extra large, what do you call that?”
“That would be a ‘venti,’” the barista said with a smile.
“A venti latte with whole milk please,” she said happily. She had found a gift card in a drawer that morning with $10 written on it. It was underlined twice, so it must have been true. She just hoped it still had money on it, that it wasn’t used but not thrown away.
“It’s pretty big,” warned the barista.
“I’ll take it,” Tabitha said, already imagining her first sip of the hot, milky coffee. She hadn’t had a latte or cappuccino in months. She considered asking the barista to check the card before he actually put in the order. What would she do if the card didn’t work? But she wanted it so much, she was willing to risk it. She heard the steaming of the milk and smelled the espresso.
“That will be four twenty-five,” the barista said.
Tabitha handed over the card and looked the other way. Please let it work, please let it work. She caught herself mouthing the words as she saw Julie, the head of the parent association at the kids’ school, tie up her scruffy dog outside and move toward the door. Tabitha had a second of wondering if she could get out of there before Julie saw her, but no, she was stuck. Plus, at this point, she would do anything to get that latte.
“Here you go,” the barista said, handing back the card, and Tabitha was so relieved that she didn’t even care about seeing Julie anymore. “You still have over five dollars on that.”
“Can I give you a tip from the card?” she asked.
“No, sorry, I can’t do that,” he said nicely. “No worries. Get me next time.”
Tabitha thought about the last of the cuff links she had in the bottom of her purse, but she couldn’t do that here, not in front of Julie, not with the explanation it would require.
“Thank you,” she said. “Thank you so much.”
She moved to the other side of the counter and waited. Julie could find her if she wanted to, or maybe she wouldn’t notice her.
“Tabitha?”
“Venti caffé latte?” the person behind the counter called.
“That’s me,” Tabitha said, before turning toward Julie.
“My, my, that’s a lot of coffee,” Julie said.
“It is,” Tabitha smiled dumbly. “And I’m happy to have it.”
“Okay then,” Julie said, squinting her eyes a little.
Tabitha put some Sugar In The Raw into her cup, trying not to oversweeten it—all this sugar! Just available for the taking! If Julie weren’t there Tabitha would have put some packets into her bag. She stirred, put the lid back on, and took a long first sip of the luscious, creamy drink. She closed her eyes and swallowed. Julie was watching her. She took another sip, this time with her eyes open. Did coffee always taste this good? Tabitha didn’t think so. And the truth was, Starbucks hadn’t generally been her favorite. Well, it was now.
“So, Tabitha, I’ve been looking for you at school,” Julie said. “I haven’t seen you there much.”
Tabitha didn’t know what the right answer to this was. She knew it was good to give your kids independence, but were they too young to officially be walking to school by themselves? She wasn’t sure where Julie’s judgment would land on this one. She took another sip of coffee.
“I’ve been around,” she said. “I guess I just keep missing you.”
“Well, we have the big fundraiser coming up in early spring, and I wanted to talk to you about being on the committee,” Julie said. “You are always so good at that.”
Tabitha pictured herself last year, probably around this time, going in and out of stores and restaurants, explaining about the Larchwood School, asking if they would be willing to donate anything. Sometimes they gave gift certificates, other times a shirt or a book. If things kept going as they were, she might be forced to pretend she was asking for the school and really take the items for herself and the kids. That was a good idea, actually. Most of the places would probably remember her from previous years and not think anything of it. Suddenly, she wasn’t so sorry she had run into Julie.
“Oh, I would love to,” Tabitha said, pausing for another long sip of coffee. “But it just isn’t a good time for me.”
Normally, Tabitha would feel a need to explain. Today, she really didn’t. Julie waited, but Tabitha just drank her coffee.
“I see,” Julie said after a long pause. “What exactly . . .”
Before she had a chance to finish, there was a ruckus outside with lots of dogs barking. Tabitha thought Julie might actually ask her what she was busy with, and she sort of wanted her to. She had no intention of telling her anything, but she wondered how deep she’d dare to probe. Did Julie think all mothers’ time belonged to her, and if it didn’t that they owed her an explanation? Apparently so. But Julie didn’t ask anything more, she just left. Walked right out, without saying good-bye or nice to see you. Tabitha watched while she knelt down to check on her dog, then she pulled the leash off the hook and walked away. Tabitha continued to drink her coffee. She felt a little buzzed, which made her think of Nora and the pot candy. That was the last time she had felt this good. And she couldn’t remember a time before that, since it had been so long ago. She ended up throwing away the edible from Nora’s that she had slipped in her pocket—she was worried one of the kids would find it and think it was just candy. But now she was sorry that she did. She stood in the middle of Starbucks and finished the huge cup, threw it away, and walked out and north on Eighteenth Street.
She knew where she wanted to go. She walked fast but felt like she should be doing more than just walking. She took out her phone, googled the synagogue number, and called. She asked for Rabbi Rosen. It went right to voicemail.
“Hi Rabbi, this is Tabitha Brewer, Levi Brewer’s mom,” she said quickly. “I, um, I just wanted to call before we get too deep into this. Levi is having second thoughts about his bar mitzvah. I think he might like to postpone. Thanks so much.” As soon as she ended the call she regretted it. What would Stuart say? Well Stuart wasn’t here to say anything, and the more she thought about it, the better she felt. Now it was out there, and she’d see what happened. Maybe the whole thing would just go away.
As she was about to cross Walnut Street, she saw a man walking about fifteen feet ahead of her with Stuart’s build and Stuart’s shirt. She crossed before she had the light, and a car stopped short, honking at her. She jogged ahead. As she got closer, she saw the man didn’t have Stuart’s hair, so it wasn’t Stuart. This man was balding a bit in the back, which Stuart wasn’t. Maybe he was now. How long did it take to start balding? She jogged a little faster, thinking she’d jog by and turn to look at him, but before she could, he stopped and looked her way. It took her a second to realize it was the homeless man she had given Stuart’s clothes to. He was dressed in Stuart’s shirt, pants, and shoes, and he looked so normal. Was that the same guy? Yes, it definitely was. Tabitha remembered his nose and his eyebrows. He saw her, but there was no recognition. She remembered his sign, saying he needed some kindness. She needed some kindness. If she weren’t so worried about running into someone she knew, maybe she’d try holding a sign like that, too, and see what she could get. Or maybe she should drive to another town and try it. As she walked by him she smiled, just to see, and he recognized her and he smiled back and tipped a pretend hat. She moved past him, feeling her caffeine buzz begin to wane ever so slightly. She needed to keep going before she lost it completely.
When she got to Nora’s apartment building, she went right in, past the desk and to the elevator. She took it to the second floor, crossed the hall, and slowly opened the door. She felt like she could climb the side of the building or swim across a river. She felt like she could do anything, so she might as well do this.
“Nora,” she called into the apartment. “Nora?”
“In here, dear,” Nora called back.
Tabitha closed the door behind her and walked to the kitchen, expecting to see Nora there baking muffins, but it was empty. She walked into the living room, and there was Nora with her feet up and a magazine on her lap. When she saw Tabitha she smiled big.
“Well, dear, I was thinking about you,” she said. “I’m so glad you came to visit me.”
“I’m glad to see you,” Tabitha said, taking a seat across from Nora. “Do you want to play Monopoly?”
Tabitha had to slow down. She must sound like she was on speed or something. But Nora didn’t seem to notice, or at least she didn’t seem to care.
“Why yes, dear,” Nora said. “I was just thinking, it is a lovely morning for a game. Can you get it, dear? I’ve hurt my leg, so I can’t walk on it right now. It’s over there, on the shelf.”
Tabitha thought she could just lift the box and run. Nora would never be able to find her, and with a bad leg she wouldn’t even be able to try to come after her. Oh my god! Tabitha thought to herself. What is happening to me?
“Do you have another game, Nora?” Tabitha asked, thinking she needed some time to think. “Anything else?”
“Only cards, and I love Monopoly,” Nora said. “I was hoping someone would play with me today.”
“Speaking of which, why are you alone again?” Tabitha asked. “Shouldn’t there be someone here with you?”
“You’re here with me, dear,” Nora said. “You’re someone.”
“That’s true,” Tabitha said, letting it go. She walked to the shelf and pulled out the Monopoly box. She walked back to Nora and placed it on the small table in front of her. She’d let Nora open it. She watched as Nora pulled the top off. It took effort, and Tabitha knew she should help, but she felt she should let this play out as much as possible without her direct involvement. Once the lid was off, Tabitha saw all the money. It was there, bright and beautiful. Without a word, Nora got to work setting up the board and giving each of them the right amount of money for their banks. She watched Nora touch the bills. They might as well have been play money for all the respect she was giving them.
“Sit, dear,” Nora said, slowly putting her legs down one at a time, so she was at a better angle. As she set the second leg down, she groaned.
“What happened to your leg?” Tabitha asked.
“Oh, silliness!” she said, waving it off. “Pure silliness!”
“You go first, Nora,” Tabitha said.
“Don’t mind if I do,” she said, putting her hands together and rubbing them. She rolled and moved her piece. A clock chimed nine times, and Tabitha couldn’t believe it was still so early. She felt like she’d lived a whole day since she had said good-bye to the kids. She had two hours, then she’d go home and change for her lunch with Toby. Maybe she’d get one more coffee on the way.
They took turns for an hour, buying hotels (Nora’s favorite thing to do), paying each other, and each spending some time in jail. Tabitha kept thinking, I’m going to take it now, I’m going to take it now. But she just couldn’t do it. If she pocketed any of the bills, Nora would notice the next time she set up the bank. This was a bad idea.
“Can I use your bathroom, Nora?” Tabitha asked. She had to wrap this up. She wanted to leave, and she needed a moment to pull herself together.
“Of course, dear,” Nora said, putting her leg back on the ottoman and sitting back, away from the table, with a sigh. “It’s just through there.”
Tabitha hadn’t been beyond the living room before. She walked down a short hallway and saw a bedroom with a neatly made bed ahead of her and a bathroom on her left. It was bright yellow, and the light was on. She went in and closed the door, even though she didn’t really have to go to the bathroom. What she needed was to think. As she moved to the sink to wash her hands, she saw a big glass mason jar full of money. She looked closer. What was going on? There were tens, twenties, one-hundred-dollar bills. So many of them. Why did Nora have all this cash? Was it that she didn’t trust banks? She’d heard of that before, but she piled the people who didn’t trust banks into a category with the people who thought the landing on the moon was a fake, set up in a television studio somewhere. Nora didn’t seem that out of touch. She was really starting to like her, more than she probably should. Tabitha wiped her hands on a yellow towel with an embroidered sun, making sure they were completely dry. She reached into the jar and pulled out a twenty, then a ten. She looked at the bills, they seemed as normal as any bill she had ever seen. She stuffed them back in and just stared at the jar. She turned to leave, just walk away, and she saw a piece of yellow construction paper taped to the back of the door saying: TAKE ME and YES, THAT MEANS YOU and MONEY MIGHT NOT GROW ON TREES, BUT IT DOES GROW IN JARS.
What was going on here? This entire thing had to be the most elaborate setup in the history of television. But, she kept asking herself, how did they know she was going to keep coming back? She turned back to the jar. It was a big jar. She bet there were thousands of dollars in that jar. She reached in again and pulled out a twenty, then another one. It didn’t even begin to make a dent in the stash.
She thought of Fern, and the medical bills, and how much she wanted to be able to get everything bagels and anything else she wanted while they were trying to figure out what was wrong with her leg. “And please, please don’t let that be anything terrible,” Tabitha said out loud, startling herself. And, on top of all that, there were signs telling her to take it! But really, she didn’t know who those notes were meant for, or if they were even real. Tabitha knew it would be weeks before any of the doctor or hospital bills started trickling in, but she felt them out there, tracking her down, eyeing her, coming her way. She had managed to pay the minimum balance on her credit card each month, the one with her maiden name on it, but that was going to get harder to do.
She’d been gone too long. She had to go back to Nora. She wanted the money. Just a little more. Would Nora really notice if some of it was gone? She couldn’t even walk, there was no way she counted it regularly. She reached in and fished around for a fifty and a hundred, then another one of each. She folded the bills and slid them into her pants pocket. She made sure everything looked fine and she walked out, deciding to leave the light on the way she found it, in case that was some kind of trick.
She walked slowly back to the living room, working hard to keep her breath steady. She was all ready to say something like: Sorry, I had a bit of a stomach ache, or, I had way too much coffee this morning, or possibly, but she wasn’t sure she dared, Nora, why do you have so much money just out for the taking? when she saw that Nora was asleep, her head against the back of the chair and her leg up on the ottoman. Tabitha walked closer to her. She wasn’t sure what to do. Should she wake up Nora? Should she put the game back? Should she leave a note? In the end, she did none of those things. She just walked out quietly, pulling the door closed behind her.