Chapter 13
Gwen
The trip home was a complete blur. Gwen hailed a ride share as soon as she was off the Merange’s property, her feet already sore and her heart pumping in her chest.
Everything had been too much. Between the invasive interrogation – and subsequent pay-off – at the hands of Albert and Sarah, Gwen had not been prepared to have her marriage revealed in front of so many people. James told Cassandra! When the hell did he do that? It was totally different from Gwen telling Ophelia about the marriage. That had been protecting herself in front of her mother-in-law. Ophelia was the only ally she had. Cassandra was…
Cassandra was a part of the problem!
Gwen didn’t care if James would never marry the mother of his child, let alone lust after her. That wasn’t the point. Okay, it was, a little bit. But simply believing him wasn’t enough. Cassandra represented everything that was toxic in that world. Men of power and money such as Albert Merange were not above stealing their own son’s sperm if it meant getting the grandchild of his dreams. Timing said that the plan was hatched as soon as Gwen discovered she was as good as infertile. Albert wasn’t taking his chances.
It was also right when she married James, not that his family had known about that. At least that hadn’t leaked!
I don’t even think about being married. My view of James never changed. Signing a piece of paper and saying a few words in front of an officiant wasn’t romantic, and it wasn’t supposed to be. Gwen wasn’t a wedding type of woman, and James had agreed he would only go along with a big wedding if it was what she really wanted. He had been as happy to elope with her and go on a lovely weekend vacation. (The real “honeymoon” came a month later, when he could take more time off work and she finished the travel plans.) The weekend trip was the most romantic part. Dinner by the sea. Walks on the beach. Watching the sun set from their suite. Making love after getting out of the hot tub. Waking up to breakfast by the windows.
But it was the same ol’ thing, in a good way. Nothing really changed, other than taxes and signing other papers that gave Gwen more rights as James’s wife, should anything happen to him. If anything, being married gave her more relief than she anticipated. She didn’t worry about medical matters or inheritance. James would have always made sure she was taken care of, but having that piece of paper meant everything was much more streamlined and in her favor. The feelings between them didn’t change. Gwen didn’t think their relationship was stronger or more assured since they married. The only thing that caused the change was the baby.
The baby… and what it meant about the family she had married into.
Gwen almost knocked over Rebecca when she burst through her front door. Rebecca asked if everything was all right, but Gwen had a one-track mind that led her upstairs to the master suite.
She pulled out a suitcase and began the deranged process of throwing in whatever clothing she thought she might need. Where was she going? I don’t know. A hotel. My parents’ place. Anywhere I can be alone and figure things out. Her flight or fight response had kicked in again, this time with the full force of a family that wanted her out.
Gwen didn’t belong with these people. She never had. Everything, from the gilded house to the fun nights on the town, had merely been a long, meandering escape. She had been Alice in Wonderland. Now it was time to return to England with only faint memories of Red Queens and Mad Hatters.
We should have never married. That had been the catalyst for all the shit. Maybe the dream could have continued if they never brought that into their lives. Or maybe it would have made it easier to leave when shit hit the fan.
Gwen didn’t know if she wanted a separation, a divorce, or what. All she knew was that she wanted to get away. Possibly forever. At least for a month or a year.
Forever sounded good.
She hadn’t packed quickly enough, however. Not when James had his own car and must have followed her the moment she bailed on the Meranges. There was no doubt he would come after her, because he was James, and he probably would have followed her to Siberia if that’s where she was hellbent on fleeing.
Gwen dropped the shirt in her hand and held back a frustrated sob. She braced against the end of the bed the moment James leaped into their suite, her name on his lips.
She didn’t respond.
“Gwen…” James kept his distance. “What’s going on? What are you doing?”
She slammed the top of her suitcase shut. I don’t know what I put in there. Underwear? Jeans? She didn’t care. The only reason she packed anything at all was because she barely had enough rationalization rattling around her brain to realize she needed clean underwear wherever she went. Besides, throwing clothes into a suitcase and slamming it shut was so satisfying.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” she asked her husband. “I’m leaving.”
Even though she didn’t look at him, Gwen sensed the panic emanating from James’s body. “What?” He came closer, but Gwen must have thrown up so many barriers that he smacked his head against every one of her defenses – he practically crumpled on the floor, disbelief consuming the air. “No… Gwen…”
The crack in his voice gutted her. Gwen pulled her suitcase off the bed and finally turned toward James, her tearful eyes meeting the sorrow in his. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I can’t do this. I thought I could. I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t think it would be forever, but… I can’t.”
He blocked the only way out of the suite. Don’t make this harder, James. Please. Gwen needed a clear getaway. An escape. A way out that wouldn’t pull her heart even farther up her throat than it already was. Accept it, James. It was never meant to be for so long.
“Because of my family?” He held his opened hands out to her. “They don’t matter! There’s nothing they can do to us! What’s the worst my father could do, huh? Cut me out of his will and make everything go to Patrick? He wouldn’t dare. He needs me to run the company!”
Bottom lip trembling, Gwen unleashed the exasperation consuming her tired soul. “You know it’s not merely that! How could you suggest that the worst thing that could happen is you being cut out of the will? Don’t you get it?” She clasped her hands against her face. How could she save that face, though, when the tears refused to stop? “They’ll always go after me! Your father’s plan was to drive me away! Well!” Gwen lowered one wet hand and allowed her husband to see the full effect of his father’s actions. “It worked! You stubborn-ass Merange losers always get your fucking ways! You get me for a little while, and your dad gets rid of me!”
The tension melted out of James’s shoulders as if that was enough to kill him.
“I love you,” he muttered in defeat. “Isn’t that enough?”
That was a blow unlike Gwen had ever experienced. Yet she still said, “Not always.”
James held his hand to his face. Gwen had cried enough already to know what went through her husband’s head, and how it threatened to make him the most vulnerable she had ever seen him. While James had cried in front of her before, it wasn’t an everyday occurrence. Even a softie like him had ingested his father’s warnings about masculinity and devoured what his frat and his friends said about tears are for girls. To see him cry was on par with ripping his heart out and squeezing it in his hand for her to behold.
“It’s not just one thing, James,” Gwen attempted to explain. “It’s not only the kid that came out of nowhere, or the overbearing father who hates my guts, or the other woman everyone thinks you should be with instead of me… if it were just one of those things, I could survive. I could even be happy, knowing that you’ve got my back and won’t let them touch me. But…” She sighed. “It’s not just one of those things. It’s all of them. It’s everything else they might try to do to get their perfect vision of paradise. The people in your family are a bunch of broken fucks, and they’ve got enough clout to make it worse for themselves… and for us.”
“You think I don’t know that?” James asked through a pinch to his nose. His eyes remained squeezed shut. One hand slammed against his hip while the other shook something off its fingers. The man needed a gold medal in holding back tears. “I grew up in that family! They’re messed up even by society’s standards. Jesus!” He turned away. There must have been tears on his cheeks. “I don’t agree with a single thing they’ve done. It was disgusting of my father to offer you money to leave me. He’s a delusional ass who thinks I’ll fall in line if I think I have no other choice.” James shirked his jacket and tossed it onto the floor. Gwen sat on the edge of their bed, crestfallen. “He doesn’t understand that this isn’t 1980 anymore. This isn’t the ‘50s of my grandfather’s years. It’s not the Victorian age. For God’s sake… he’s so furious that I might get to be with the woman I love, and this is what he does?”
Gwen shook her head. “His would-be wife suggested that you would be so heartbroken that Cassandra would have no issue sweeping in and cheering you right up.”
“That is the most insulting thing I have ever heard, and I’ve heard quite a bit of insults these past couple of years. You can’t be serious if you think everything he’ll try is all about getting to you.”
“It is, though!” Why couldn’t he see that? Gwen wasn’t making it up! She wasn’t trying to make herself into the ultimate victim! God knew she had tried to power through the bullshit over the past several years. Being with James meant giving up much of her old life in favor of one she barely recognized. Assimilating herself into high society, making friends with heiresses and other up-and-coming women such as herself, and adjusting to a life where she never had to settle on a career or even work had taken a toll on her mental (and sometimes physical) health. The payoff hadn’t only been the money, or knowing that her parents were taken care of should her dad have another heart attack. It was being with James. The man who had stolen her heart and offered her everything she could ever want, both inside their home and out of it.
He had opened her eyes to pleasures she never even knew she desired. He had spoiled her so much that she sometimes felt like a flashy princess having her fun before going home when the summer’s over. He had been by her side when her father had his first heart attack. He promised to be there no matter what happened to her or her family.
Gwen loved him, dearly. But was that enough to put up with what his family conspired? For fuck’s sake, they put his baby in another woman!
Ah, that was it, wasn’t it? That would always be the kicker that brought more tears.
James sat down next to her as she cried in earnest. Gwen didn’t look to him for comfort, but she didn’t push him away, either. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to scream at him.
She wanted this all to go away.
“What’s really wrong, Gwenny?” James placed his hand softly on the small of her back. Shudders of love claimed Gwen’s body.
It still wasn’t enough.
“Talk to me. Please.”
She sniffed the last of her awkward tears. Snot stained her sleeve. “I feel so powerless in your family. They get whatever they want. They heard I couldn’t have kids, and they went out and took advantage of your friend’s mental health to knock her up with their precious heir.”
“Listen to me, Gwenny.” James’s hand tightened on her shoulder. He didn’t turn her around, but she knew he wanted to. “You’re right that my family thinks they have all this power. They get away with a lot of shit, too. But you are not powerless, and you never have been. Now more than ever, though, you hold all the cards. My parents will wither away.” He choked at the thought. What son wanted to admit that? “But we will be around much longer. You are my wife. Maybe it’s time we finally talk about what that means.”
Gwen turned her whole body away from him. It had taken her months to finally warm up to the idea of James being her husband. They had always called each other partners from the moment they moved in together. Husband, wife… those words didn’t change a thing between them. Their lives went on as usual.
Until the baby, anyway.
“The first time I saw you,” James continued, his voice strained and soft. “I knew you would probably be my wife one day.”
“You’ve told me that before.” The day they eloped. It had been incredibly romantic back then. Now? James played cards he had no business playing.
“I’ll keep telling you that, because it’s true. I’d gone out with a million women before you, but the moment I saw you, I wondered what it would be like to finally find that one woman who changed my life forever. After our first date, I knew it was meant to be. I only hoped you thought the same thing.”
I had wanted it to be true… Butterflies fluttered in Gwen’s body after their first date at the planetarium. She hadn’t known what to expect after hooking up with the man in the back of her place of work. I was prepared for anything, like some friends with benefits situation. I never expected him to be… more… They had gone back to James’s place that night. Made love for what felt like hours. Yet the man had been so courteous and giddy in her presence, that Gwen couldn’t help but feel that this was the romance she didn’t know she had been waiting for.
Then they moved in together.
Then they got married without telling a soul. Like so much else in their relationship, it had been something for them. Perhaps they couldn’t hide them living together. But if they could have? Gwen doubted she would have ever mentioned it. The strength of her relationship with James wasn’t anyone else’s business. The whole point of getting married – in secret, no less – was to protect themselves. And to assert how much they intended to be together.
Forever.
“Nobody will ever take away from you being my other half.” James took her hand and held it in his lap. “Not even I could do that. It would be like denying the other part of my soul.”
Gwen opened her mouth to say something, but the words refused to come out. She wanted to agree with her husband that they were two halves of one mighty whole. Perhaps they were perfectly fine on their own, and God knew other people didn’t need to enjoy them as a unit to know their worth and what they uniquely brought to the world. But they were strongest and happiest when together. The hardest part about leaving James would be that void left behind.
Not the money. Not the trips around the world. The man himself. That’s all Gwen wanted.
Too bad, like most trips around the world, he came with so much baggage.
Too bad she had some baggage of her own. Both conflated with each other.
“Fuck…” Gwen wiped a tear from her eye before doubling over into a mess of sobs.
James wrapped both arms around her, bringing her closer to his chest and blowing a breath of assurance over her ear. Once upon a time, that would have been enough to soothe her soul. It was the only thing that brought me a little calm when my father was sick. Gwen had been a daddy’s girl. Almost losing her father to a heart attack had made her comatose for more than a few days. How could one woman hold so much grief for a man who hadn’t actually died?
Was that why she cried now? Grief?
I’m acting like I lost a baby or something… The life event that could have either permanently split them apart or made them stronger together. If something like that happened, Gwen didn’t doubt that she and James would be inseparable. And, she knew, she would be the one to get over it first. James would be devastated. Because he was the man who would have loved children, even if he told her he didn’t need them to be happy with her.
God. That killed her more than anything.
“They’re right!” She pulled herself from his hold and sprinted halfway across the room. Where was she going? Nowhere. Not in that direction. A large window. Curtains rustling in the breeze that came through a slit in the bottom pane. An antique lamp that was sometimes the only thing on when they made love in the middle of the night. Almost a decade’s worth of love, and they were still sometimes too shy to have sex in a brightly lit room. “I don’t fit into your family, James. That’s the issue here. I don’t fit into your family. You and I may be great when we’re alone, but when you combine those people… did you know that our parents have never met before? My mom is always asking when we’re going to have Thanksgiving or Christmas with the Meranges. What if she finds out we’re married, and they still don’t know my in-laws? The only reason I haven’t tried to set something up is because of your father! I couldn’t bear it if he insulted my parents to their faces.”
“You know I’ve offered to have my mother at least meet them…”
That would only work because your mother doesn’t have the spine to insult them. Gwen wasn’t delusional. Ophelia was so coddled in her lifestyle that lower middle-class people like the Mitchells would have made her clutch her vintage pearls. All it would take was Gwen’s father belching at the dinner table or her mother asking what department store the crystal came from. Ophelia may not say anything, but Gwen knew that woman well enough by now to read the shock and appellation on a parasol-shielded countenance.
Besides, who was she kidding? Sarah Welsh would probably introduce herself as James’s mother before Ophelia had the chance.
It was bad enough her parents knew about Patrick. They hadn’t been able to hide that after the scandal hit the press. Gwen’s mother was still convinced that James had cheated. She couldn’t wrap her mind around a whole family conspiring to steal a man’s sperm.
“Your family is toxic, James. They’ve been poisoning us for years. Yes, even your mother.” Gwen grabbed a tissue from the vanity and wiped her face. She didn’t bother to blow her nose. More snot was coming, anyway. “Until a year ago, she kept pressing me about kids. You know how she is. She would never outright say, ‘Where are my grandbabies, you slut?’ Her MO is to be sooo passive-aggressive that I choke.” Gwen would never forget the day, three years ago, when Ophelia invited her tea at the Merange’s estate and grilled her about her familial potential. That was before Gwen had a firm diagnosis. To think, a woman could be so comfortable in her infertility, yet all it took was one asinine comment…
Gwen wished that James hadn’t stood up.
“I’m never going to give you children.” Gwen held her hand around her throat. Was she choking? “Honestly? I never wanted to. Maybe if it were an accident… but you know I’m not the type to stop taking my birth control and hope my disorders let me get pregnant.” She also didn’t want to start all those blasted treatments for the slim chance. What kind of life was that? Maybe some women were game to play Russian Roulette, but Gwen didn’t have the drive and desire. She’d rather spend her years cuddling up next to James and living every moment as it came. Why would I put myself through that if it wasn’t what I even wanted?
“That’s fine, Gwen!” James held his hands out to her. Helpless. Lost. He didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t know what to do for her. Gwen hated seeing him like this. “I’ve told you! Even before we found out about… anything… I told you I didn’t care if we didn’t have kids! Not like it’s some brand-new trend! Plenty of other people will have plenty of kids to populate this planet!”
“I don’t care about other people.” Gwen couldn’t believe she was sharing this. “I care that the choice was ripped from my life. First I don’t even get to choose whether or not I have kids… and then…” She swallowed. “Oh, look, another woman had your baby anyway.”
James shook his head. “I knew this started around that time, Gwenny, but… I had no say in that, either.”
“No. But your family saw something they wanted, and they got it. What else will they do? How will they continue to break us apart? How will they keep pushing me aside until I no longer exist in your life? I need to leave now. If I do, then I have a chance at taking charge of at least one thing in my life with you.”
He didn’t say anything. At first, Gwen assumed she had left him flummoxed. For once, the chatty James Merange had no words.
There was a little power for her in that situation. Not enough, but a little.
No. James hadn’t been left speechless. He knew exactly what to say, and Gwen saw it when he bridged the small gap between them in their bedroom. The place we’ve called ours for so long. The place I think of as my home. With you, James. Here came the tears again.
“You still think of it as your life with me.” James gently placed both hands on her shoulders. “Do you really want to leave, Gwen? Is that what you want? Because if that’s what you really want, I’ll let you go. I won’t stop you from doing what you need to do. But if you give me even the slightest hint that you’re not interested in leaving, I will fight for you until the day I die. I honest to God do not believe that we’ll be happier apart than we are together, even with all the crap my family puts us through.”
Gwen’s lip trembled. That was all the answer he needed to come over and embrace her.
“I love you, Gwenny.” James buried his face in the crook of her neck. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held on for her life. “I know it’s been hard. A lot has happened since we met, let alone in the past year. But it will get better. My family knows that you’re my wife now. They can’t take what we have away from us. Now, and forever.”
“But…”
“No buts, Gwen.” He stroked her hair before pulling it to the side and grazing his nose against the back of her neck. The scintillating sensation made her hold herself closer to him. Her lover. Her protector.
Her husband.
“I love you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved, and if I lost you, there could never be another woman in my heart again. I know this. You know this. Even if I married someone else in the far-off future, it wouldn’t be real love.”
She snorted. “You’re such a romantic.”
“Admit it. It’s why you fell in love with me.”
No… I fell in love with you for so many other reasons. “I love you, James.”
“Then don’t leave me. Not when we know it will destroy us.”
“I just…” Gwen still couldn’t believe that this would work. Even if they packed their bags and moved to Nepal, the Meranges would continue getting their way back home. It would be like admitting defeat. A consolation prize. Gwen wanted to live her life the way she deserved. Openly. Firmly. Without prejudice, toward herself and from others. “You’ve got this whole other life beyond me now. What do I do when you’re off being a dad? What’s going to happen if they do it again? What if I…” Gwen swallowed, her hands gently pushing her away from her husband. “What if I want to become a part of the bigger picture one day, and I’m shut out? Do I become the ghost-wife floating in the background? Who am I to that little boy?” The kid didn’t know how good he had it right now. He had no idea what his family had done. One day, when he was old enough to understand, he’d be appalled. Patrick may not be Gwen’s son, but she’d be damned if he didn’t have the right support network to weather that clusterfuck. Losing that support might mean he turned out even worse than the family members tearing him down for their own gain. One good dad wasn’t enough to counteract the diabolical grandparents and a mother who was as spineless as Ophelia.
“Gwen… the only person keeping you away from Patrick is you.” James cupped her chin with his fingers and offered her a kiss. She wasn’t yet ready to take it. “I’ve hoped for a long time now that you would be more than my wife. If I had a child out there, I hoped you would be his mother too.”
“But Cassandra is his…”
“She and I have talked countless times about this. She agrees that there is no issue with you being Patrick’s active stepmother, if that’s what you want. Or you could be his second mother. It’s up to you, and whatever relationship you form with him. You can be as much of a parent as you want.”
Gwen looked away. Her hands wrung together. “I don’t know if I could do that. There’s so many damned feelings with him…”
“I’ve always wanted you to take your time with him. I know it’s been a shock. God knows I do, Gwen. Like that, I was a dad, and I had no say in it. But that means you saw me become a dad when we had just married. You had me all to yourself, then you didn’t.”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “You stole that from the therapist, didn’t you?”
James matched her smile, yet he said, “Maybe we should go back to the counselor. With a new attitude. A new united front. I admit, the thought of tackling this by ourselves is daunting.” He scratched the back of his head. “Maybe the counselor could help us figure out what to do. No shame in it, right?”
No, but Gwen hadn’t been ready the last time they went to the couple’s counselor. She had always been on the defensive. Ready to blow up if she felt even slightly… slighted. It hadn’t taken much that past year. Finding out what the Meranges and Welshes had done was like being punched in the face. It was the greatest insult. Greater than them offering her cash to leave.
“I’d be embarrassed.”
“I know.” At least he didn’t try to tell her she had no reason to be embarrassed, even if that was what he believed! James wasn’t the kind of man to convince her she didn’t feel what she genuinely experienced, though. He’s too good for me. What have I ever done to deserve a silly, great guy like him? “But it’s like anything else. Eventually, you’ll get over the embarrassment and things simply… are.”
Gwen briefly met his eyes again. “Did you feel embarrassed when you first started meeting your son?”
“Embarrassed, ashamed, angry… I can’t even explain what exactly I felt. It was like all three of those at once. But the beauty is that he’s so young right now that the only thing he understands is that I’m a man he can trust. I’m his dad. Honestly, the only reason I don’t visit him more often is because I was afraid that you resented me for it.”
“I’m also guessing the Welshes limit your contact.”
“Cassandra and I have an understanding that he is my son and I can see him whenever I want. Within reason, obviously. I prefer that arrangement to having to sue her for custody. My lawyer has assured me I have an easy case to win with all the evidence I have. Not like any of them have denied anything.”
“I still don’t know.” Gwen lowered her finger when she realized she was gnawing on her knuckle. A nervous habit she thought she kicked years ago. “I never saw myself as a mother. But after I got with you, I assumed that meant you would never be a father. How can you be a parent, but I’m not?”
“Gwenny,” James said with his replenishing reserves of reassurances, “you can literally be whatever you want. Be an only-goes-to-birthday-parties-and-graduations stepmom. Be a cool aunt. Spend time with him alone or only when I’m around. I’m not asking you to love my son. I’m asking you to support me, and to support him.”
James had touched on the last thing often keeping Gwen up at night. “But what if I do end up loving him? What if he makes me realize I want my own children?” The tears came back. “What do I do then?”
“We, Gwenny. You’re asking what we would do. Because the moment you want something, I’m going to make sure it happens.”
“Your son is going to be so spoiled.”
“Hey, it’s different with a kid. I think. Still sorting that one out.”
Gwen took her husband’s hands. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. Used to be that I loved not knowing what our future held. The spontaneity made me happy. Now I’m not so sure.”
“Falling in love with you was the most spontaneous thing to ever happen to me. It will be difficult for anything to top that, including having kids come at us out of nowhere.” He touched the tip of her nose. “I guarantee there will be no more surprise babies, though. Surprise pregnancies, maybe…”
“If there are surprise pregnancies, they better be mine.”
“Let me tell you how I’ve spent the past year locking down my frozen sperm.” James adopted a wistful look as he grinned at the window behind Gwen. “I’m saving it all for you. All my sperm, both new and old.”
Gwen cringed. That was the exact reaction he was looking for, wasn’t it? Never change, James. “Just keep the old sperm out of your family’s hands, thanks.”
He turned his head back toward hers and opened his arms wide. “You’re my wife. Nobody but you could ever change that. And that means you are the most important person in my world.” James’s caress preempted his kiss to her lips. “I love you, Gwenny. Be my wife, forever. We’ll make up what that means as we go along.”
“Because that’s been working so well so far,” she muttered on his lips.
“Do you love me, Gwen?”
She sighed. “I must love you if I’m about to unpack that suitcase…”
“And?”
She matched his grin. “And demand that you take me somewhere fun. Right now.”
“Las Vegas it is!”
“I was thinking the club or the planetarium, but Vegas is fun too.”
“Right. Club. Planetarium.” James snapped his fingers. “Planetarium, then the club? Vegas as soon as we can swing it?”
“I don’t think the planetarium would appreciate me walking in wearing nothing but a skimpy dress and not much else.”
“Why, Gwenyth,” James said with a waggle of his eyebrows. “What do you have in mind for this club experience that requires you to be half naked?”
She pressed her hands against his chest, reveling in the strength, devotion, and vitality rumbling beneath his skin. “Take me to the club and make sure half the town knows that I’m the only woman you worship.”
Yup. She still had it. The ability to make him hard with one string of words, that is.
“I don’t think the club is ready for that.”
“I’m ready for that.” Gwen brushed her knuckles against his cheeks. “If you’re also ready, let’s do it.”
“Been ready since the moment I met you.”
Gwen threaded her arm with his. “Somehow, I had known that.”
“Kinda hard to hide how much I love you.”
She squeezed his hand. “Prove it.”
Eventually, James would realize proving such devotion was a daily occurrence for the rest of his life. Until then, Gwen would enjoy the look on his face every time she asked for his proof of love.