In the Deep

GEORGE SWEPT OUT his tentacles as he moved through the water with smooth grace. Here, he could be a dancer, could be as athletic as he wanted. In human form, he was awkward and gangly and without confidence. But in the cold blackness of the water that was his true home, he was a powerful being who made others scurry away.

He smiled inside his other self, feeling whole and strong and not damaged as he was in human form. Not scarred and used up and broken.

His tentacles thrashed.

He nearly lost his grip on the case he held so tightly.

Calm, be calm, his human self whispered. No one can touch us here.

It was difficult at times. The most primal part of his changeling nature occasionally wanted to take over. He knew that was dangerous. But part of him wanted the wildness in control. The others in the clan, when he heard them talking, they all spoke about how both sides of their nature were in balance, how it was never a fight between one or the other. They didn’t worry about shifting and becoming lost in the shift.

George never said anything when they talked like that; he’d learned his lesson as a child when he dared tell a long-ago friend about his fight for control. That friend had immediately told his own mother, who’d told George’s mother. She’d then made him go to extra lessons meant to teach him how to manage the powerful creature inside him.

Her voice had been soft and warm as she explained it wasn’t a punishment but only a thing he needed to learn for his future. Like math and science. He’d gone quietly because that was what he did, that was what made her happy.

George had loved his mother. He hadn’t liked it when she cried.

But though he’d gone to the lessons, he’d tried not to learn anything the adults wanted to teach him. He’d pretended he did, but inside, he stayed the same. Because if he ever learned how to control this self, he couldn’t lose himself in the black and forget the horrors that had been done to his human body.

In the water, he was free and strong and no one’s victim.

In the water, he was the predator and everything else quailed in front of him.

In the water, nothing could harm him.

He smiled again, the human part of him curled up happily within the wildness of his other side. And he thought about just giving in, taking that extra step and losing himself to the wildness forever. But no, he was a scientist and he’d read enough reports to know that changelings who did that, the “rogues,” inevitably went mad and began hunting their clanmates.

The latter didn’t worry George. He felt very little loyalty toward those who were meant to be his clan.

Except for Seraphina and Dr. Kahananui and Kaia.

Dr. Kahananui had always treated him as an equal even though he was less qualified. She’d even given him the position of responsibility that allowed him to take his vengeance. He’d never want to hurt her or the innocent child she carried in her womb.

The same with Kaia. She always made a special effort to bake his favorite cake at least once every month. She didn’t have to do that—there were a lot of people on the station and carrot cake wasn’t as popular as chocolate or red velvet. But Kaia always said he had just as much right to her skills as anyone else. He never felt bad asking her for a burger on a day when that wasn’t on the menu. She’d scowl and tell him she was busy, but then a little later, the burger would turn up on his desk.

Kaia was nice in a deep-inside way. He wouldn’t want to kill Kaia in his madness, either.

As for Seraphina . . .

He thrashed again, unable to stand the idea that he might hurt her in his insanity.

So no, he couldn’t give in to his primal heart. Not today, anyway.

Because the pain, it was growing inside him. Each year it felt as if it grew stronger, huger. Until he could no longer escape it. Maybe when that happened, he’d stop fighting. Maybe he’d forget Seraphina and Kaia and Dr. Kahananui.

Maybe he’d become this creature, magnificent and dangerous.

And because he didn’t want to be human again, he kept on swimming. The ones to whom he’d sold his spoils could wait. They could all wait.

He would come up in his own good time.