6.
ELLIE
New York was everything I'd expected it to be: beautiful, busy and bustling.
I was also everything I'd expected me to be: exhausted and demotivated.
As much as I hated to admit it, my relationship with Aaron had been strained. We'd been friends, but it hadn't been a clean two weeks of tension-free conversation and smiles. It had gone from one extreme to the other: intense attraction that built to something so big that we had to ignore each other for a few hours to calm down. There were such big highs and lows that I was exhausted.
I'd been hoping for something stress-free. A bit of flirting and tension. It should have been easy.
Only it wasn't.
Take after take of us standing next to each other, either wanting to jump each other or wanting to run in the opposite direction.
It wasn't just Aaron that was taking its toll, though. I was seriously starting to doubt how cut out I was to be playing a big role in a top film. Instead of getting better each take, I knew I was getting worse. Instead of getting there early, trying to make sure I networked and met people, I was always getting there at the last minute, and praying that I needed to spend a long time in hair and make-up so that I could spend less time behind the camera.
More than anything, I just wasn't finding it fun. I didn't enjoy it.
And if I wasn't enjoying acting when I'd been given every opportunity, what was I going to do with my life?
So, it was in tears in an expensive hotel suite in New York that I gave my mom a call.
"Hello, sweetie," she answered. "How are you? How is New York? I'm very jealous."
I swiped at my eyes, and tried to make myself sound normal. Of course she was jealous, I was doing everything she'd always wanted me to achieve. I had no idea how I was supposed to tell her that I might actually hate it. "Hey, mom. I'm just... I'm having a bit of a crisis, actually."
There was a beat of silence. "What about? I'm sure we can talk it out."
"About acting. This whole thing. I'm really not enjoying myself filming this movie."
Another beat of silence. This one was longer. "You always knew that this was going to be a difficult profession. I tried to prepare you for that."
There was no doubt that my mom had prepared me for it. Ever since I could remember, watching a movie at home had never just been watching a movie. It had always included a running commentary about which actors were doing good and bad and why. There was always a snide tone about how she could have done better if she'd been in that part.
I'd been taken along kicking and screaming to my acting classes sometimes, with a slap on the back of the legs telling me to stop being a spoiled brat. That these were costing money and I wasn't going to squander my potential career like she had.
My stomach was in knots now as I struggled to stop myself shouting down the phone that her preparation had made her a shit mom; that I saw her as a teacher, not as a parent.
"I'm really just not having a good time, mom." This was where she could redeem herself. Tell me that if it wasn't what I wanted to do, then I shouldn't do it. Tell me that my happiness was what mattered most.
"You've worked your entire life for this."
"I know I have."
"You shouldn't be willing to give up the opportunity of a lifetime like this."
True again. So many people would kill to be where I was, and I was ready to quit after a month of filming. My parents had paid for my entire education with money they'd been saving since they first got married.
How selfish and stupid was I being?
"I know, mom. I'm sorry. I'm just having a bit of a rough patch, that's all. I'll figure it out, I promise."
"You know that you can always call me or your dad if you need to chat."
"I know." But right now my mom wasn't the person I needed to talk to. I needed to speak to someone who was going to motivate me, not make me feel bitter and guilty. "I'll give you a call if I need to. I'll talk to you later, mom. Love you."
"Love you too, sweetie."
When she hung up, I hovered over Aaron's number, wondering if I could really do this; if it was really a good idea.
He was the only person I could think of that would be able to convince me, without a doubt, that my mom was right, though. I didn't know any of the other actors well enough to talk to them about this, and I didn't want to give anyone in the production team reason to doubt me. People talked, and even if this movie was a success, there would still be a question mark over my head. I was still very new.
I took a deep breath, and then dialed the number.
He answered on the second ring. "Ellie?" He probably thought there was something seriously wrong if I was calling him when we'd agreed that seeing each other outside of work was a bad idea, but in a way something was seriously wrong.
"Hey," I said, feeling sheepish. "I was wondering if I could chat with you about something. Feel free to tell me if you're doing something else, though." I didn't want to force this conversation on him, either. He hadn't volunteered to be my mentor.
"You can talk to me about anything. What's up?"
"I think I might hate being an actress, and I don't know what do to about it."
I was surprised when he laughed. "I think that might require something a bit more face-to-face. Do you want to grab a drink?"
I didn't hesitate before telling him I did. I was probably going to have a breakdown rather than making a move on him. I wasn't very worried that this would lead to something sexy.
"Sure. I'd love to."