CHAPTER NINE
I walked into O’Hare airport, stopped in front of the departures board, and thought, What the hell am I doing?
Honestly, I had no idea. I’d driven here on automatic and now, looking at the board, I think if I hadn’t been too late to catch a flight, I might have proceeded on autodrive and boarded one. Done exactly what James wanted. Fled Chicago.
What good would it do to lie low for a few weeks? I couldn’t escape this. I shouldn’t try. Now that I was alone, my adrenaline had plummeted, and all I could do was stare at the board and think now what?
I had no idea.
After I checked in to the airport hotel, I called Howard. I wasn’t surprised when it went straight to voice mail. I asked him to tell my mother that I needed some time to process all this. Please trust that I’d be fine and I’d call tomorrow.
I was heading to the elevators and saw a sign for the bar. I didn’t know if it would be open, but I considered checking. I’ve never drunk for the sake of getting drunk, but there’s a first time for everything. There was just one problem—I didn’t know how much alcohol it would take to pass out. That’s what I wanted really. Oblivion. For all I knew, I’d have a few drinks and drift off into nightmares.
Instead I went into the gift shop. Not many gifts in it—just lots of overpriced items for travelers, including over-the-counter sleeping pills. I bought a bottle, went up to my room, took a double dose, and prayed for a dreamless night.
I’d lived the first years of my life with Pamela and Todd Larsen. I’d been there at the heart of their killing spree. What living nightmares had been shoved deep into my subconscious, ready now to worm their way out when I surrendered to the deepest sleep?
Or dark desires. Deeply buried lusts and needs and fantasies, coming to the fore when my conscience slumbered. What did I—?
Nothing.
That night, I dreamed of nothing.
• • •
Even with the pills, I was up by six. I waited until seven to call my mother. I had my speech all rehearsed.
She didn’t answer her cell phone.
I hung up and told myself I’d call back in an hour. I lasted five minutes. I got her voice mail again and spilled my speech onto it instead.
I told her I’d decided to stay away for a while. For her sake. I knew how hard this would be on her and I didn’t want to put her through even more by hanging around. I’d stay away until things died down. I didn’t know what I’d do or where I’d go, but I’d figure out something.
That last part hadn’t been part of the rehearsal. Even as I spoke the words, I felt ashamed of myself. It didn’t sound strong. It sounded like a little girl, desperately hoping for Mummy to call back and tell her not to be silly. I belonged at home. With her. We’d handle this together.
Two minutes after I hung up, my phone rang. I hit the answer button so fast, it didn’t connect and I had to hit it again.
“Olivia.” It was Mum. “Howard says to tell you that you shouldn’t be using your cell phone. These tabloid people can get your records. They might even be able to record your calls.”
“Right.” I swallowed. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Do you, um, want me to call back on the hotel line?”
“Yes, and I’m going to give you the number of the new cell phone Howard gave me, in case they’re monitoring my usual one as well.”
She did. I phoned it.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted when she answered. “I’m so sorry about all of this.”
I waited for her to insist it wasn’t my fault. Instead, she said, “It’s out now. There’s nothing we can do except deal with it.”
I nodded. “That’s what I want to do, Mum. Deal with it. Maybe hire a media consultant or a PR firm. We’ll figure out how to handle this head on. Get past it.”
Silence. Then, “I thought you were going to sit it out. That’s what your message said.”
“Sure. I could. If that’s what you want. But I really think it’s best that we face this—”
“I was nearly killed by those reporters last night, Olivia.”
I bit my tongue before continuing, “All right. I’ll handle it. Tell Howard to phone—”
“Howard thinks you were right. You should go someplace. Wait this out. I agree. That’s best for everyone.”
Now it was my turn for silence.
Mum didn’t seem to notice, pausing only a moment before saying, “I suppose you’ll need money.”
“Suppose?” A white-hot grain of fury ignited behind my eyes. “My God. You hand cash to street people more graciously than that.”
“Then I misspoke.” Did I imagine a chill in her voice? “You’ll have whatever you need. I’ll write you a check today.”
“Write me a check? I thought that was our money. Family money. No, wait. That doesn’t apply now, does it? If I want an allowance, I’ll need to visit the Larsens.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you’re family. This business has no effect on that. Your trust fund is intact. Along with . . . everything else.”
Everything else. The store. The estate. I remembered sitting in Howard’s office after Dad died, struggling to listen to him read the will. With the exception of my trust fund—which I’d get when I turned twenty-five—everything went to my mother for use during her lifetime. When she passed, it went to me. All of it. At the time, I’d been so numb with grief that the arrangement had only sparked a faint, “Why did he do that?”
Now I knew.
She knew it, too. After Dad had found out who my parents were, he’d made sure my mother couldn’t decide part—or all—of the estate was better off going to charity.
“I don’t want your money,” I said. “I’ll have my trust fund in a year. In the meantime, I’ll get a job. I’ll pay my own way.”
“A job?”
“Mmm, yeah. It’s that thing people do to make money.”
Definite frost in her voice now. “I’m well aware of what a job is, Olivia, but I fail to see how you would get one, under the circumstances.”
She had a point. Just yesterday I’d been wondering what sort of career I’d be qualified for with no paid experience. Today, that was the least of my worries. Even if someone didn’t mind hiring the daughter of serial killers, they wouldn’t want the kind of publicity that might come with having me on staff.
“I won’t use my full name. Or my volunteer references.”
“Then how on earth do you expect to find a decent position?”
“I don’t. I’ll take what I can get. Just like everyone else. I’m sure there’s a McDonald’s hiring somewhere.”
“I hope you’re joking, Olivia. This is silly. When you decide where you’re going, I’ll wire you money.”
“No.”
“I understand you’re upset, but if you think I’m going to let a Taylor-Jones—”
“But I’m not a Taylor-Jones, am I? Not really. I think a Larsen would work at McDonald’s. Mmm, yes. Pretty sure she would.”
My mother started to sputter. I hung up. Then I stood there, holding the phone, resisting the urge to throw it against the wall. Smash it to bits. Better yet, put a hole in that wall, on a bill that would go to my mother. Damage a hotel room so she’d have to pay for it? Was I really that petty?
Petty? The one time you really need her, she tries to shove money at you. And tells you to go away. Just like James.
But they were right—I did need to stay away. Only that didn’t mean holing up in a French château. That was something Olivia Taylor-Jones might do, but I was no longer Olivia Taylor-Jones. I needed to make choices for me, whoever I was. I’d say I needed to find myself, if that didn’t sound like I was heading into the Himalayas, taking only a backpack stuffed with angst and clean underwear.
I was twenty-four. I had a master’s from Yale. It was time to do exactly what I would have done if I was not Olivia Taylor-Jones. Get a job. Get an apartment. Live a regular life.
I checked out of the hotel. I’d put it on my credit card and it was only a matter of time before someone traced me there. I should have thought of that.
I went to the hotel ATM and withdrew the maximum on my bank card and the maximum cash advance on my credit card. That gave me two thousand dollars. Enough to pay first month’s rent on a small apartment and tide me over until I got a paycheck.
Next I texted James. Car at O’Hare. Parking garage A. Level 3. Row D. Ticket on dash.
I stared at the message. Short. Precise. No anger. No hurt. No regret. No trace of all the things I was feeling.
I’d woken thinking of James. I’d reached for him and found a cold bed instead. A cold, unfamiliar bed. The rest had come rushing back, but James stayed there, front and center in my brain.
I could be quick to judge, quick to take offense, quick to get angry. Had I expected too much of him?
Maybe.
Did I expect to wake up to apologetic voice mail and text messages?
Maybe.
There were messages. Brief ones. Liv, call me. Liv, we need to talk. Yes, even, Liv, I’m sorry. But I didn’t want apologies. I wanted . . . I don’t know what I wanted. Him, I guess. Here, supporting me through this. But he wasn’t and that wasn’t his fault. I’d been the one who left, and right now, as much as it hurt, it still felt like the right thing to do. I needed time and distance, to get my head on straight. If that meant I’d lost him—really lost him—then . . .
I took a deep breath and tried not to think about that.
After I sent James the message, I got rid of my phone—removing and destroying the SIM card and resetting it to the factory defaults. Then went to the business center, where I put my bank and credit card through the shredder.
And it was done. My ties with the old world were cut. My journey to a new life begun.