Chapter 12
I flew out of the flat and sprinted, as fast as my legs would carry me, all the way down the steep stairwell and out onto Nicolson Street. It was still dark with only the dim and gloomy street lamps lighting up the surrounding area. There was a glimpse of red on the horizon though, a sign that the dawn was coming.
I glanced left then right, desperately searching for Alex. There was not a single moving person or car on the road outside. As my hazy eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw her in the distance but on the other side of the street as she ran down Nicolson Street and towards the North Bridge.
I sprinted after her. I started to shout her name while running as fast as I could. A car emerged in the distance with its headlights on. I noticed the little orange light on top too and so must have Alex. A taxi. Alex ran onto the middle of the road to wave it down. The driver pulled over and she jumped into the back immediately.
I was racing down the middle of the road now. I was close. I could hear Alex screaming at the driver to drive, just drive away. The taxi started to move, making a slow U-turn on the street to begin driving back the way it came. I caught the back of the taxi and dashed around to the side to Alex's dismayed look in the backseat. I then flung myself onto the front bonnet like a man possessed before the driver could gain any more speed. The driver then brought his cab to a screeching halt.
“What the hell are you doing mate?” The driver yelled out through his window.
“Alex. Please. Please Alex... wait!” I yelled.
“Just drive, damn you! Drive!” Alex cried at the driver.
“Get the hell off my bonnet you bloody mad, knob jockey!” screamed the driver right at me. I eventually slid down from the hood and apologized profusely to the driver.
“Please,” I pleaded out to Alex in the back of the cab. “Just give me one minute okay? One minute. Please?”
Alex didn't reply though and just shook her head over and over.
“What the hell are you playing at, pal?” The driver continued.
“I’m sorry. Please. I just need to talk to her for one minute. That's all I'm asking. Please. Just one minute, man.” I approached the passenger side and the back end of the taxi. The driver then turned to Alex and asked her if I was dangerous. Alex took her time, but reluctantly shook her head when all she had to do was nod. I'm sure the driver would've driven out of there and over me if he had to, like a bat out of hell if she did say that I was dangerous.
“Jesus Christ. Well, I’m keeping it on the bloody metre that's for sure.”
I gestured for Alex to roll down her window, but she point-blank refused. So I pleaded with the taxi driver to wind down the window on his passenger side. He let out a deep sigh, but did what I asked. I peered inside.
“Alex, please.”
“We have nothing to talk about, Ryan. Absolutely nothing. We are over. Whatever we had this day, yesterday, whatever, it's over.”
“I was going to tell you she was my wife last night. I swear to you, but... and I know this is gonna sound crazy as shit and you won't believe me in the slightest, but I just forgot all about her, Alex. I never thought one single damn thought about her the whole entire time we were together. Not until I saw her picture back in the flat. I know it sounds ludicrous, but it's the truth. And then after you said all those things about marriage and how sacred an act it is to you, I just couldn't admit who she really was in that moment. I just didn't want to lose you. To lose that thing we had. You have to believe me, Alex. Please.”
“Too late!” Alex shouted back at me. “If you had just told me the truth last night that she was your wife when I asked you, then I would never have slept with you, you bastard.”
“I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do or say? My urges just took over and got the better of me.”
“And that is the real reason why you never told me, is it not? Is it not? So you could just get into my pants, after everything?”
“No, Alex, no. That’s not true. I swear.”
“At least if you had been honest with me and told me upfront, then we might still be friends now. But I would never, NEVER, had given up my virginity to you. Not if I had known what I know now, you pig, you pig dog bastard!”
Alex spat in my face for the second time that night, but I hardly noticed at all. I was still in a dumbfounded state about her new revelation.
She was a virgin?
She was a bloody virgin.
I understood completely her anger now, her boiling rage, her sacred trust and vows. I felt like shit. Like downright shit.
I could see the taxi driver was shocked by all of this too, but said nothing while he pretended to try and mind his own business.
“You, you were a virgin?” I finally spoke the words.
“Didn't you even notice the small, red blood stains on the bed sheets after we made love? On our bodies?”
“No. Well maybe a little, yeah, but I thought nothing of it. If a thought did cross my mind, then I just assumed…I really thought nothing of it. I mean, Jesus Christ! You said yourself that you had your first boyfriend when you were like fourteen years old. That's what you told me. And your first kiss with another woman and then an older man. I mean, what the fuck Alex?”
"So you just assumed that because I had an older boyfriend while I was so young and shared a kiss with him, that I just had to fuck him too? This is how you judge me. By these words.”
“I don’t even know what the hell I’m assuming anymore, Alex. Shit. But the last thing I ever wanted to do was judge you or hurt you.”
“If the truth be told, I was saving myself for someone special, you pig. Even for my wedding day, perhaps. And this night, well, I thought I'd found that someone special. I thought I had finally found someone whom I could trust and be open with and be honest to, one hundred percent.”
“But you did find someone special, Alex, and I did, too.”
“But you lied to me, Ryan.”
I fell silent.
“I told you that even one lie would destroy everything we had. And you knew this. Yet still you went ahead with the lie. And surely to God you heard me when I said that I do not do second chances.”
“So what about you, Alex? You won’t even tell me what the hell happened to you back in Czech? Why you ran away? Why you came to Scotland for two bloody weeks? You’re so bloody secretive about nearly everything in your life.”
“Because... Because the truth is... I am getting married, Ryan, okay? I am getting married in three weeks’ time and I just needed to get away from everything. To take a break from it all before I finally went through with it. To make sure I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing. I did not plan on any of this. And I certainly did not plan on coming here and meeting you and spending such a wonderful time here with you. I planned absolutely none of this.”
I was in more shock now than ever. First, her virginity confession and now this—this marriage. She was getting bloody married. This was her big secret?
“You are about to get married?” I managed to force the words out.
“And now I'm getting married still. I was also supposed to be a virgin for this wedding for my husband-to-be, but that is not going to happen now, is it? Is it?” she screamed louder.
I could do or say nothing more but shake my head in absolute disbelief. Alex begged the driver to leave once more. To drive now, drive away, in any direction. Her pleading cries jolted me back into the real world.
“No, not yet,” I cried as I grabbed firmly on the rolled-down window. “So when the hell were you planning to tell me all of this, huh? This marriage. The virginity. All of it?”
“I was going to tell you today. Later today, before I left for home, but after we had spent some more time together.”
“You were going to tell me before you left, yeah?” I said, not believing her for one damn second.
“Yes.”
“Really?” I said in doubt.
“Yes,” Alex continued in anger. “I was going to tell you today if I had not just met your fucking wife.”
“So you’re still getting married, even now, even after everything we've been through today?”
“Yes!” she snapped. “This is my plan.”
“And this is why you've been so secretive about your past? Why you’re really over here? Not sharing with me the loss of your virginity after I shared with you mine. Not even telling me your last bloody name, for Christ’s sake.”
I took a short breather. I rubbed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down.
“You never intended on seeing me again after this trip, did you? No matter what happened between us? Isn't that the truth?”
Alex remained silent and lowered her head. She couldn't even look at me anymore.
“Did you, Alex?”
Suddenly I raged at the top of my lungs. “Did you?”
Alex jumped in fright where she sat. So did the taxi driver. Tears streamed down her face.
“I’m sorry,” she replied, still not making eye contact with me.
“Just answer me this: is your first name even Alex?”
“I am sorry,” she sobbed. Alex turned to the driver and begged him to go, to just drive.
“Answer me, Alex, for Christ’s sake!” I raged and smacked the side of the taxi with the palm of my hand. It stung like a bitch, but I didn't care.
“Please, driver. I beg of you. Please, just drive.” Alex sobbed and pleaded harder. “Please, driver. Go. Please. Just drive me far away from here, far away.”
The driver restarted his engine and turned to face me.
“Sorry mate, but a fare’s a fare.”
I stared intensely at Alex who still would not meet my gaze, even ‘til the end. I knew it was all over now. Too late to do anything. I pulled my head out from the window and backed away from the cab. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I just couldn't believe we were ending it like this, on such shitty partings. After everything.
The taxi drove away and she never even took one single, little glance back. I stood there, helpless, watching the taxi disappear across The Mile and over the North Bridge and then she was gone. Gone, gone, gone. I placed my head in my hands and sobbed. Then I let out the most frustrated roar from the back of my lungs and into the breaking dawn above.
As the sun faintly began to rise, I slowly made my way back towards the flat to face the music with Becka. I didn't care what happened there anymore though. I didn't care what she had to say and I didn't care about being with her either. I would grab my things and leave to the nearest and cheapest hotel if needed. There was no way I could stay in that flat with her any longer.
I entered the apartment. Becka was in the bedroom and packing all of her important belongings into a larger suitcase. I was about to turn and say something, but then thought better of it. I mean, what good would it do anyhow? I continued my gloomy trek into the kitchen. I opened the top right cupboard and found an old bottle of whiskey in there from god knows when. I unscrewed the lid and took a long, hard swig from the bottle, before pouring some into a small glass. I leaned back against the kitchen worktop. The hard wood felt nice and cold against my skin. At least I could feel something else other than the pain of loss.
Something caught my eye. It was the notepad lying on the kitchen table that I'd given to Alex less than an hour earlier so she could write down all of her contact information for me.
Anxiously, I leapt towards the table and snatched the small pad. I opened it on the first page, then the next and the next and the next and the next, until there were no more pages left to open. Every single page was blank. The whole damn thing was unused inside, unwritten on. I couldn't believe it. She hadn't written down one single bloody word. Did she even want to? This just reinforced my thoughts that she had no inclination of ever seeing me again, even if she knew nothing of Becka.
I felt like a train wreck inside. I had the urge to smash, break, and destroy anything. I heard Becka dragging her huge case out through the front door. Then I heard the door slam firmly shut. I was alone now. I quickly downed the glass of whiskey in my hand. I grabbed the bottle and made my way into the bedroom. I stared at the bed before yanking the bed sheets away from the mattress. My eyes fell upon the small stains of blood, calling my attention in all their glory.
So it was true. It was all true.
I took another big gulp from the whiskey bottle and collapsed upon the soft mattress. It still felt warm and damp from when our sweaty bodies had made passionate, crazy love only hours before. I closed my eyes and quietly sobbed as my mind fell into a whirlpool of thought.
Eventually, I felt a great wave of tiredness begin to overwhelm my raging emotions as the whole entire day caught up with me at last. I felt myself falling into a bottomless pit of sleep and there was nothing I could do to fight it off either. All I wanted in that moment was to sleep. Then, in the blink of an eye, sleep finally came for me.