“Let’s examine our knowns,” John said in a low voice, his leg bouncing rhythmically in anxiety. “This favor comes directly from Julian, not the Moores or Xander. This vulture is involved--”
“Buzzard,” I corrected. We sat in Julian and Xander’s spacious living room waiting for Julian’s coworker to arrive.
“Does it matter?” he asked.
“Well, he’s a giant wall of man meat and hates almost everyone. So I’d rather not piss him off.” It wasn’t a lie -- the retired soldier had a reputation for hating everyone and had a Resting Scary Face. At the wedding, however, he had sought out the new, teenage members of the Moore family and had kind, funny conversations with them. If Julian and Xander’s daughter actually talked to him, he had to be a pretty good guy.
“Fine, whatever. The point is, the two people involved in requesting our help are Julian and his coworker. It’s also a request that must be made in person, to both of us simultaneously.”
“And nobody else they know can help them out,” I added. “Chance and Logan were unavailable, but Greg and Dani weren’t asked.”
“Indeed. We also must take into account who we are.”
“Julian’s friends. A nurse and a professor.”
“Don’t forget our relationship,” he pointed out. “We are an engaged, out, gay, middle-class, highly intelligent, interracial, American couple in our early-to-mid thirties.”
“So now we work on an informal proof?” I asked. I loved taking a mathematical approach to mysteries and problems. It didn’t always take in the fact that individuals, unlike crowds, are unpredictable. When we were apart, I wondered if this slow approach was John’s way of talking down to me, as if I wasn’t intelligent enough to understand his logic. But when we were together, I mostly believed that he wanted my input. Especially considering he included the phrase ‘highly intelligent’ in his description of us as a unit.
“Yes. Julian and the bird-man are connected through work, the LGBT youth center, and Julian’s friend with the glasses,” he began.
“They are only asking gay couples for help. And the request is a big deal, or else it could be done differently,” I added. Then, I realized something that was less obvious. “I don’t think our socioeconomic status or race are factors, although our careers might.”
“I agree.” John looked off into the distance, deep in thought, before saying, “Since neither Chance nor Xander can do this, and both have kids for whom they are responsible, I’m inclined to believe that this takes a couple away from home and family for an extended–”
“Okay! Let’s get started!” Julian bustled into the room, Buzzard trailing behind him with a tray of refreshments in his gigantic hands. I wondered if other parts of him were gigantic. I should ask Julian’s friend, Quinn.
“Julian is very persuasive, but we can always say no. If you don’t want to do whatever this is, I’ll back you up,” John whispered. I nodded agreement, but we both knew it was a load of bull. John and I were both the kind of people who quietly stepped in whenever asked (unlike Julian and Xander, who just swept in and took over). And if this request wasn’t important, it would definitely be unusual, and we were both suckers for doing weird stuff.
“You won’t say no,” Buzzard told us non-threateningly. Well, mostly. I wasn’t sure anything he did or said could be entirely non-threatening.
“You’re freaking out my friends. Remind me: why did I ask you to help me out with this?” Julian muttered to him.
“Because I give this whole thing some credibility. Otherwise they’d think this was one of your weird-ass pranks,” Buzzard growled. “Although, seriously, what lunatic would even think of something like this?”
Julian rolled his eyes, sat down across from us, and fired up his laptop to reveal a PowerPoint presentation. Ooooo. Fancy. The first slide said “Operation Butt-Bandits.” The mission name alone convinced me. And if this presentation contained facts and figures, John would definitely be hooked. As Julian well knew, the manipulative minx.
“You are the only couple who will be able to pull this off,” Julian said. “So I really hope you’ll help us out.”
The next slide was a lovely, modern building with manicured grounds, farm animals, a pool, and all sorts of other things that screamed ‘exclusive resort.’
“Epidaurus is an exclusive resort in Maine for the disgustingly rich.” Yup! I was right! “Once a month, there is a three-day couple’s retreat…” Julian went on to show slides of all the activities available, and we listened restlessly as he went into painful detail. “The owner of this resort is one of Xander’s old boarding school buddies who came to me for unofficial help. When the first couple–”
“Someone’s blackmailing couples,” Buzzard interrupted, and Julian shot him a dirty look. “You were taking forever to get to the point, Sparky.”
Julian rolled his eyes and continued, “Both reports were from gay couples. We don’t know what they were being blackmailed with, but one couple was openly gay, so we don’t think they were threatened with being outed. However, gay couples have more to lose if their reputation is tarnished, since homosexuality is still borderline taboo. So we need a gay couple to gather information next weekend, but nobody at Heimdall Security is able to do it.”
I looked to Buzzard for confirmation, and he shrugged. “It needs to be a real, believable couple. Julian and Xander need to stay home with the kids. The only person I can stand is Quinn, and he’s stuck in LA. And Specter’s too much of an asshole to convincingly pretend he gives a shit about some guy he isn’t dating.”
“You two are a perfect fit for this. You’re intelligent, analytical, and creative thinkers, and a real couple. You’re not intimidating, like Specter and Buzzard are. And your breakup and kitten-rearing and sudden engagement all make this believable,” Julian reasoned. “Just remember, it’s a fact-finding mission only.”
“DO NOT ENGAGE.” Buzzard’s booming voice brooked no arguments.
Julian gave him the side-eye, but agreed. “Just enjoy the amenities, and take pictures and notes if you see anything suspicious. Call me each night to check in. One of the other couples works for Heimdall and will back you up if necessary. They will not reveal themselves to you, but they will know who you are. You can borrow Xander’s Louis Vuitton luggage and I’ll take Trip shopping tonight and Tommy tomorrow afternoon to get you designer clothing and accessories. The resort-owner is footing the bill, and you can keep all of it.”
I knew which way I was leaning, but looked to John for confirmation. The impish light in my fiancé’s eyes was enough to confirm that Operation Butt-Bandits was a go!