Chapter Ten

 

“Jesus Fucking—”

I take the hard length of him in my mouth with an appreciative hum, and the second his taste bursts on my tongue I want more of it. More of him.

Everything.

Carter swears softly and slips one hand into my loose hair, holding it away from my face so he can see what I’m doing. At the same time, I feel his thick fingers rubbing and pressing against me, relaxing the tight muscles until I’m opening for him and he’s filling me up. Yes.

“I thought I told you I didn’t want anyone else to see you like this,” he rasps, tugging my hair in sensual warning. “Now your sweet, sexy ass is bare. Anyone driving by could see it naked and open for me, begging to be spanked. Fucked.”

I moan with arousal. I love it when he talks like that. His gravelly voice soaked in sin. Spank me. Fuck me. Anything you want.

“Is this what you want, baby?” he croons, slipping out long enough to land a warm smack on the center of my ass. When he thrusts his fingers back inside, a third is forcing its way inside my tight hole. I whimper but push back into it, craving more.

“That’s right, take what you need. You’re beautiful, like this. Filled front and back and taking everything I give you. Is it too much? Can you open your mouth wider?  Take a little more?”

I stretch my lips wide and breathe out, relaxing against him. Giving him control so he can take what he wants.

“Jesus, that’s perfect. You’re so damn perfect. You make it hard to hold back.”

Don’t hold back.

There’s no way I can take all of him, but he doesn’t try to make me. Instead, his hand in my hair guides me up and down his shaft in a slow, careful rhythm. Too slow. Too careful.

I tease and explore every inch I can reach with my tongue, paying extra attention to the head of his cock, greedy for the hot, salty taste of him. 

“You’re trying to make me come,” he mutters darkly. “But I’m not ready for this to be over yet. You started this, so you can let me set the pace.”

I want to challenge him, to make him as impatient as I am, but his fingers keep distracting me. Spreading and thrusting, filling me while avoiding the spot I need them most. I lift my ass higher in silent demand.

Carter’s laugh has an edge like nails dragging up my spine. “Stop being so impatient, JD. I need to see if you’re ready to take my cock.”

My muffled shout is loud in the cramped space when a fourth finger works its way inside me. I can’t. It’s too much. He caresses my head gently when I tense against him.

“Breathe, JD. Breathe and relax for me.”

So full. I’m shaking my head and moaning, the sound vibrating along his cock and making him swear.

“You can take it,” he’s murmuring. “And when I get you home, you’ll take all of me, won’t you?”

Yes. That’s what I want.

But right now, all I can think about is making him come. I want to shatter his control the way he always shatters mine.

With his hand still caressing my head, I lean forward before he knows what I’m up to, swallowing him so deeply I choke, but I don’t stop until I feel his shuddering reaction. “Fuck, JD.”

His grip on my hair tightens again as I suck mercilessly on his hot, hard shaft and he thrusts his hips up in helpless response. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

Yes. Yes. Yes.

His release hits the back of my throat in powerful spurts and I shiver with pleasure, knowing I did that. I made him lose control. He wants me that much.

I close my eyes and inhale his scent, the taste of him, hoarding every sensation.

“You definitely need a spanking,” he huffs out when he finally catches his breath.

I feel almost empty when he takes his fingers away to reach in the bag for a small package of sanitizing wipes, cleaning us both in swift, efficient silence.

My head is on his thigh and I force myself to keep still, waiting for him to touch me. To turn me around and fuck me. I’m so ready to come.

My eyes open wide at the sound of the truck’s engine.

“Carter?”

“You stay right there,” he growls. “Don’t sit up, don’t move until I get you home.”

He holds my head against his thigh with one hand, the other on the wheel as he speeds down the road.

“Can I at least pull my pants up?”

“No.”

I glance over at the damp cock nestled in his still-open jeans and bite my lip. He’s already getting hard again. My ass clenches in response. Tonight, he said. He’d take me the way he wanted to tonight.

Thinking about it, all the things he could do to me, all the positions I’ve imagined, has my hand lowering to my erection by the time he turns into his driveway.

“No touching. I mean it, JD.” He moves my hand away and turns off the ignition, opening the door.

I start to sit up, but he’s dragging me toward him and moving me around like I’m a doll instead of grown man. He slips off my shoes and takes my jeans completely off before tossing them in the truck’s cab. “Wrap your legs around my waist.”

“I hope your neighbors aren’t looking out the window,” I mumble, naked and clinging to him as he grabs his bag of supplies and carries me into the house.

“You should have thought of that before you decided to strip in my truck.” He kicks the door shut behind us and heads straight for his bedroom. “Next time you’ll know better.”

Bossy, controlling, fucking sexy… “You seemed to like it. At least you got to come.”

“You’ll get your chance as soon as I’m where I belong.”

He tosses me onto his bed and all of a sudden, I’m having trouble breathing. “Oh.”

“Hands above your head and keep them there.” He barks the command. He’s undressing, his dark eyes pinning me to his giant bed as effectively as restraints.

I stretch for him, letting him see everything. Wanting him to look. I can’t remember ever being this turned on by someone watching me. This needy and shameless.

“I’ll never get enough of that view.”

He rips open the box of condoms and slides one on with swift, expert movements. He coats it with lube, tossing the bottle nearby and crawling on the bed beside me. His expression is fierce. Unstoppable.

Big Daddy Zeus.

I gasp when he spreads my legs and ignores my erection in favor of my ass. His fingers part my cheeks and he lowers his head without hesitation, licking and sucking and tonguing me until I’m close to tears.

“Carter, please.” I feel jittery. Panicked and out of control. “Oh God.”

I don’t want him to stop.

He bites into the flesh of my ass and growls. “I had plans for this ass,” he rasps. “For every part of you. Hours of plans, grasshopper.”

His tongue traces the birthmark on my hip. “I wanted to learn every curve and bend of this beautiful body. Find every freckle with my tongue.”

“Sounds like torture,” I manage to form the words between moans.

“The kind that would have you begging. And we both know how much I like hearing you beg.”

I hold my breath when his lips barely skim my cock. Please. “But those plans have to wait, because I can’t anymore. I have to get inside you.”

Thank God.

He leans over me, guiding my legs up over his shoulders and holding both my wrists in one snug fist.

“Are you going to give me what I want, JD?” he asks, reminding me of that night in his kitchen, and the fantasy that followed.

It feels like I’ve been waiting forever to give him his answer.

“Yes, Carter.”

He kisses me, pressing against the back of my legs until my hips are in the air and my knees are pushing against my shoulders. I can feel precum coating my stomach and every beat of my heart is pulsing through my dick. “Please,” I moan against his mouth. “I’m begging you.”

He lifts his head, breathing heavily as he looks into my eyes. I feel the wide head of his cock slide inside and watch as he closes his eyes and his strong body visibly quakes.

“Fuck, JD.” My name comes out on a growl and then his eyes are open and I’m trapped again, seeing the need there that mirrors mine. Seeing something I’m too afraid to name.

The way he’s pinning me makes it impossible to move or test his hold. Impossible to touch or tease him. I’m open and vulnerable and all I can do is take. “Please.”

“I’ve got you,” he says, his hips thrusting forward slow enough that I can feel every thick, impossible inch of his cock spreading me wide. It’s too much. Too good.

I start to shake against him.

“A little more,” he says roughly. “Just a little more, baby.”

I follow his gaze to see him filling me. His beast of a cock is splitting me open, disappearing inside me. Making me his.

My moan comes out more like a sob, and I can’t look away. “Zeus.”

“JD, look at me.” I blink up at him, dazed and so full I’m not sure I have room to take another breath. “This is where I belong,” he rasps. “Can you feel it? I need to…”

He shifts his hips and I cry out when his dick grinds against my prostate. “Fuck.”

The tendons in his neck are tight and his teeth are bared as he lowers his head until our lips are inches apart. “I knew the second I saw your face that you’d own me.”

Me? He’s the one controlling everything. The one I’d do anything to— Oh God, I can’t think.

He starts to move. Small, shallow pulses at first, until my body relaxes around him. Then long steady strokes that drive us both to the brink, before he slows again. Pulling us back. He’s keeping me guessing, keeping me hanging, and all the while he’s staring into my eyes, breathing with me. Breathing for me.

This is more than sex. More than fucking.

Zeus is worshipping me.

He plays with my body, his free hand caressing my throat, skimming my nipples. He’s reacting to every moan and cry, discovering what I like. What I need. How long he can make me wait. “I’ve got you, baby.”

“You know where I need you to touch me,” I plead raggedly. Just one touch and I can come. I’m close. “I’m dying.”

“Not yet.” His body is glistening with heat and restraint. “This feels too good. Exactly right. Goldilocks Zone, remember?”

“Carter, please.”

He groans, his thrusts growing more forceful. “Love it when you beg.”

“Please, let me come, Carter. Fuck me harder. Don’t stop. I need you.”

With a wild moan, he lets go, giving me what I want. Hard and deep. His body straining over mine.

Yes.

“Such a good boy. Love fucking you. Let me… Christ!”

Good boy. That’s all it takes for me to come without a single stroke of my cock. I’ve been so close for so long, but it still surprises me, crashing into me with the force of a wrecking ball. My channel spasms around him, making the tight fit almost painful and Carter shouts again.

I can’t stop it. I don’t want to. I can’t do anything but let my release wash over me, sending rough tremors up my spine and soaking my stomach with come as Carter loses all restraint.

“So good,” he moans. He’s fucking me so hard now, the sound of his flesh slapping against mine like erotic applause.

He grips my jaw with his free hand and kisses me. Then he jerks up, his eyes clenched shut as he comes with a long, hoarse shout. I can feel the heat of his release through the condom, pulsing inside me.

This is bliss. This is what people are willing to do anything to feel. To keep.

What they’d die without.

I feel like I lost time or left my body for a few minutes, and it’s almost impossible to keep a thought in my head.

I’ve never felt so out of control.

Carter drags me close and pulls the sheet over our cooling bodies.

“Still with me?” He murmurs, kissing my neck and using his knuckles to brush the tears off my cheeks. “JD?”

“What planet again?”

His chuckle is low and intimate. “Our planet, grasshopper. And let me tell you, I really like it here. I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”

I don’t just like it here. I love it here.

I love…

 

Three hours later, I’m climbing into a car that’s going to take me to the airport and my brother’s plane.

I left a note for Carter.

Spending a few days with family. Thank you for everything. Will talk to you soon.

Soon. This is a break. Breathing room. Everyone needs some space now and then.

I need a little distance. Hopefully there’ll be enough of it to convince myself I’m not hopelessly in love for the first time in my life.

Because I can’t be.

That can’t be what I’m feeling, right?

 

Dear Diary,

I…fuck, I can’t talk about it right now.

 

***

 

9 days later…

 

“Good morning, sunshine. I don’t mean to interrupt this ode to moping you’ve been working on, but I was wondering if you were planning on taking a shower ever again. I’ve been gone for three days and you’re still exactly where I left you. In the same clothes, with that same appetizing stain on you collar.”

I flip Royal off without looking away from the view. This apartment is perfect for him. Playboy pilot bachelor digs done right, but it’s got nothing on his balcony. I’ve barely left it in the last nine days.

Nine. Days.

He’s right. I’m in the same clothes I was in when he left for work a few days ago. I haven’t moved in so long that the pigeons that drop by for lunch think I’m one of their own. The fat one with a chip in his beak is my spirit animal.  

Chip gets me.

Despite my lack of welcome, Royal grabs a chair and takes a seat. Great. I thought we were beyond the talking thing, but it’s not like I can kick him out. I pick up a half empty container of chunky liquid and grimace. Old, melted Moose Tracks. Yum. “What’s up?”

“Thanks for asking, JD. There’s actually a lot going on in my life right now. My brother hit and quit a Marine, then holed up in my apartment to hide from the world. Not that I mind a visit every now and then,” he amends with a shrug. “But this kind of behavior is just begging for an intervention, and those sound like too much work, so I’m naturally against them.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Don’t be a dick,” he says sharply. “I want you to snap out of it. This isn’t like you.”

How does he know? Maybe it is. Maybe I don’t deserve to snap out of it.

I left the best man I’d ever known after the best sex I’d ever had because I was scared of what might happen. How fucked up is that? I was scared of being in love with someone who might not feel the same, or as much as I did. So in love that losing him would… well, it would do this to me.

I thought it might get better. That the feeling might pass with time and distance. Perspective and logic was all I needed. But I was wrong. If anything it’s gotten worse.

I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t write. I can’t help feeling I made a horrible mistake.

Fiona thinks so too. She’s calling me every day, checking in on me and repeating the same words of comfort. “Stop being an idiot.”

She might be my best friend.

Toni contacted me a few days ago, apologizing via email, but after what I did to Carter, I don’t think I deserve an apology anymore. She may have panicked and made a few horrible decisions, but I’m the real coward. I won’t even take the chance of being hurt.

What kind of advice columnist am I? I think it rhymes with hypocrite.

Physician heal thyself.

Is this what depression feels like? Sitting on a balcony in dirty pajamas, trapped in a sluggish time suck of inaction that eats away at your soul until nothing else matters?

Maybe I’m just like my father…

Nope. If my silent self-pity binge can morph into a Prince song that quickly, I haven’t quite hit bottom yet. Maybe there’s hope.

“Earth to JD.”

“It’s not that easy to snap out of this, Royal. You don’t understand.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“But I really do.”

“Stop.” I run both my hands through my hair and cringe. That feels like it can’t be a good look. “Fine. What do you think you know?”

Royal leans forward to look at the skyline. “I know this situation is your own fault and you need to get over it before you screw it up for good. I know some guy named Tanaka is Matilda’s new cyber pen pal and…what else? Oh yeah, I know I’m the most attractive brother you have and that right now you smell like cottage cheese.”

I whack him out of habit then stare, wide-eyed. “Tanaka? What? With who?”

“Witty. You should write that down.” At my glare he holds up his hands. “All I know is he started talking to her last week. Don’t ask me how he got her number, but she was impressed. He was worried about his friend, but said that Carter wouldn’t give him details beyond the fact that he’d pushed you into talking about your past and scared you away—”

“He didn’t push me into anything.” But I can’t deny I ran. Even now I can’t bring myself to listen to any of his messages, afraid of what I’ll hear. And he’s filled up my voicemail twice. “But why did Tanaka call Matilda?”

And did Carter know about it?

“She and Rick are in the living room now, so I guess you can ask her yourself.”

“What?” I stand up so fast I get dizzy and might have tipped off of the balcony if my brother hadn’t grabbed hold of my pants. “What are they doing here? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I am telling you.” Royal stands beside me, wrinkling his nose. “And they had no choice. I refused to take you to them, because that would require being seen with you in public.”

“I get it. I’m gross and I stink. But seriously, tell me why they’re here.”

He bends to look directly into my eyes. “They. Are. Worried about you,” he says slowly and succinctly. “Oh and they said it was time to tell you about your grandparents.”

Grandparents? What the fuck?

He uses my shock to fast walk me inside the apartment and towards the shower, bypassing the living room so no one else has to see or smell me.

After closing the door, I turn on the water and strip, groaning in relief when the hot spray finally starts to work its magic on the first layer of filth.

Tanaka and Matilda? That’s a scary combination. The idea of them talking at all is making me nervous. But if he sought her out, it had to be because Carter was suffering. The thought sends and ache through my heart.

He deserves better than this. He’s never run away from anything. Not his family, not his duty, not me.

But why is he suffering about me? What could he possibly see in me that’s worth my childish, neurotic bullshit?

He already told you.

I freeze as the water beats against my thick skull, giving me clarity for the first time in weeks.

Son of a bitch.

He did.

All the behavior I was suspicious of, that I didn’t trust is suddenly replaying in my mind. The way he watched out for me. The way he listened. His soft smile when I rambled.

His face when he came inside me.

He’s not suffering because he liked having me around for company or ready sex or any of the other asinine reasons I came up with in my addled brain.

He’s hurting because he cared and I walked away from him. He’s hurting because I won’t return his phone calls.

He’s hurting because he was falling in love with you.

I turn off the water and let several days’ worth of dirt and sadness slide down the drain.

“I am officially the biggest fucking idiot on the planet.” I look into the mirror and his loving voice echoes in my head.

Our planet, grasshopper.

“Shit!”

I hear Royal’s laugh on the other side of the door. “Are you done having shower epiphanies? Our parents need some handholding while they bare their souls and that’s you’re department. I’m just here to shuttle people around and look pretty.”

I get myself together, grab some clothes and join them in the living room, feeling strangely naked without my coating of misery. Still, all I can think about is Carter…until I see Matilda.

Rick is standing next to my swollen-eyed foster mom. Her dark, mahogany curls are unbound and she isn’t wearing makeup. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her without it.

I’m also almost positive I’ve never seen her cry. “Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?”

She shakes her head. She’s holding a thick file against her chest and she’s silent until Rick wraps his arm around her waist. As if he pushed a button, she automatically starts talking.

“Rick wanted to tell you years ago, but I put it off. He mentioned it again after his visit, but by then you were already here with Royal. Then Ken…”

She’s calling him Ken instead of Tanaka? How much talking did they do? “Matilda, Royal mentioned something about grandparents? Is that what this is about? I thought Gary’s parents were dead.”

“Your mother’s parents,” Rick answers when she doesn’t speak up. “They’re the ones that fought Lauren’s will and made sure we couldn’t legally adopt you.”

I stumble back as if I’ve been sucker punched, looking up in surprise at Royal when he guides me silently to his leather sofa. “Thanks.”

He nods and sits down beside me, close enough to lean on if I need him.

“You wanted to adopt me?”

Matilda buries her face in Rick’s chest and he nods soberly over her head. “Of course we did, son. We were there the day you were born and we loved you almost as much as your mother did. Then when she got sick, we promised her we’d take care of you if Gary couldn’t. Raise you as our own.”

Matilda steps out of his arms and wipes her cheeks, visibly trying to get herself together. “She was worried about leaving you with Gary, but she didn’t want her parents anywhere near you. They weren’t good people, she said. Rich but cruel. And once we started the adoption process after your father died, we found out she was right to worry.”

As she continues to speak, I feel more and more like I’ve stepped into a badly written soap opera. But this is my actual life. Soap operas have to be based on some grain of truth, right? Well, maybe not.

According to Matilda my story seems to be about rich, entitled grandparents that didn’t want the responsibility of taking care of me, but also were against losing their last surviving heir to someone whose blood was a little less blue. And they were willing to drag everyone involved into a long court battle because of it. Talk about family values.

My foster mother, the brilliant lawyer, made a deal in order to stop that from happening and to keep me away from them. No legal adoption in return for no further contact or financial inducement. Instead, the inheritance that had been meant for my mother would be held in a trust for me until I hit the ripe old age of thirty.

Apparently it’s a lot of money.

“That doesn’t sound like that big of a deal,” Royal says, arms crossed over his barrel chest. “Rich, evil grandparents and white boy problems. What was all the secrecy about?”

I turn toward him with wide eyes. “It doesn’t sound like a big deal? I thought I was…that they had to take me because…”

Rick steps over to me, reaches down and pulls me up into his arms, holding me tight. “We were afraid we’d lose you. We thought you’d resent us and want to be with your real family.”

I see Matilda standing stiffly to the side and I tug her close. Other than Royal, we’ve never been natural huggers, but damn it, it’s time we learned. “You are my family. You’ve always been my family. I guess because of…where I came from, I didn’t think I deserved to be yours.”

“That might be the most preposterous thing you’ve ever said. And if we’re family then it’s time you acted like it.” Matilda says all this as sharply as she can while pressed against my chest. “I’m talking regular phone calls and multiple holidays in person each year. And next time, we’ll watch Leia’s Wars together.”

Star Wars. But I’m not correcting her.

“And we’re getting you a new apartment,” Rick grumbles. “In a better neighborhood with stronger locks. And a car.”

Matilda lifts her head. “Unless you’re choosing not to own one to have a smaller carbon footprint. Do you even have a driver’s license?”

“Are we making demands now?” Royal jumps in, smiling at our awkward group hug. “Let’s have him clean my apartment once a month for a year to make up for what he’s done to it this week.”

I move out of the embrace, smirking at my brother and take a warning step closer, making him laugh.

“Careful,” he chuckles, holding up his hands to ward me off. “You need to stop randomly hitting people for no reason now that you’re loaded. That’s just asking for a lawsuit.”

“I’m not loaded.” I look over at Matilda. “I don’t want or need anything from them. I have you.”

She’s smiling tearfully. “I’m so proud of you, JD.”

Royal and I both gasp like dying fish and she shakes her head. “Stop it. We’re not perfect. And Lauren wanted you to have that inheritance. You can give it to charity if you want, or start a nonprofit of your own, but in a few years, you’re going to take it. If only to keep it out of their hands.”

I can’t win an argument with Matilda. It’s never been done. “Yes, ma’am.”

She takes my hand in both of hers and looks into my eyes. “Now about that friend of Ken’s that Rick likes so much.”

As fast as that, my mood crashes. “Don’t start. I know I screwed things up with him. But… I think I love him.” I glance over at Royal. “I know I do. You were right. I need to find a way to tell him. Convince him I deserve another chance.”

Matilda walks back over to the file she’d set down on the table, opens it, and pulls out an envelope. “This might give you some ideas.”

I’m almost afraid to take it. We’ve had a few too many revelations today. “What is it?”

“Ken said it’s a letter from a man who reads your column. He needs some advice.” Her wink startles me so much it takes me a minute to register what she’s saying. “He calls himself Green’s Marine.”