Chapter 7 – What I’d Give You
Elaine and Patrick met us for dinner in the hotel restaurant. They were beaming like blissed-out honeymooners and seemed unable to stop touching each other in little ways, laughing easily and holding hands. I figured they’d spent the day doing at least a little of what Derek and I’d shared, and I wished I was free to look at him that way, to share my passion for him so overtly.
Everything in me was falling in love with Derek, but that didn’t change a single thing about my situation. About my unavailability. Add to that, he hadn’t said anything to indicate he wanted more than our original week. It felt like he might want more, every time we were together I was sure his feelings were growing as intensely as mine, but he hadn’t said anything to confirm it.
Following our last round this afternoon, I’d fallen asleep in his arms and vaguely remembered waking as he slid from my side, lightly kissing my head and whispering that he’d see me at dinner. I’d continued sleeping another hour before I’d risen to shower.
Tonight, I wore a short, black dress with thin spaghetti straps. A sterling silver cuff bracelet was on my wrist and large silver hoop earrings were the extent of my accessorizing. As always, Derek smiled, clearly pleased with my appearance. The three were already sharing a bottle of wine when I joined them, Derek stood to help me in my chair.
“You look beautiful,” he said softly, his breath whispering over my shoulder, causing a shiver to tingle through me.
Neither Elaine nor Patrick even noticed, and I was pretty sure they were oblivious to the connection between their dinner mates. All they were focused on was the growing connection between the two of them.
Derek poured me a glass of wine, and I took it with a little nod of thanks. Patrick broke his nonstop gazing at my best friend to greet me.
“So it seems you had a fun day?” I said, teasing.
Elaine flushed. “You could say that.”
I tried for a neutral subject, something we could all discuss, and since Patrick had told us so much about their work last night, it seemed a safe option. “You never told me where you two are based, where your office is located,” I said.
Patrick smiled, sipping his wine. “Princeton.”
“New Jersey?” I asked, slightly stunned. Princeton was an easy two-hour drive from my office in Baltimore, as I knew well. The accompanying thoughts his words conjured made my stomach burn.
“Derek teaches a few classes at the university.”
“You do?” Elaine asked.
“We’re hardly there,” Derek added quickly, and for a moment, he almost seemed annoyed at Patrick’s answer.
“I had a client at Princeton once,” I said, not sure how those words managed to creep out. Elaine’s eyes cut to mine.
“Really?” Patrick said. “Who was it?”
“Sloan Reynolds.” Saying his name left a foul taste in my mouth, and I wished I’d never brought it up. I wanted off this train of thought. “I did some work for his family, actually.”
The conversation momentarily stalled as Patrick seemed to think. “Don’t know him,” he finally said. “Sorry.”
“It was several years ago.” I finished that topic, taking a sip of my wine to cleanse my palate.
Patrick looked down then held his wine glass aloft, turning back to Elaine. “To unexpected surprises.”
My friend beamed at that. “Isn’t it the truth?”
They clinked glasses and Patrick covered Elaine’s hand with his again, smiling.
I looked back at Derek, giving him a tight smile. “It’s so bright in here.”
His eyes were warm now, focused on me. “The fire pit is a much nicer setting, I think.”
“And you’re in Wilmington,” Patrick said to Elaine.
“Yep,” my friend replied. “Been there all my life. It’s where Melissa and I met.”
Derek glanced at me. “But you’re not there now.”
“No,” I said softly, wondering when I’d been so unguarded to tell him that. My home location was definitely a one-week stand rules violation.
“She’s hours away in Baltimore,” Elaine complained.
“It’s only six hours. Don’t exaggerate.” Now I wished I’d thought up a different topic of conversation. I wanted this exploration into my personal life to end. “So tell me about your day. What all did you do?”
That did it. Instantly she was off describing their hike up Camelback Mountain. They’d found a secret cleft in the rocks, she continued, and from the way my friend grinned at that detail, it seemed they’d done more than hike while there. Patrick smiled and squeezed her hand, a little spark in his eye. Our waiter took our orders, and I selected the steak I’d been craving earlier. Derek followed suit.
“At least your food orders are better than your drinks,” he teased.
I smiled. “I never stopped choosing my own food.”
“Shall I pick a wine to go with it?”
“Please do,” I said, wishing I could reach out and touch his hand the way our dinner companions kept doing. His eyes flickered to mine, and it seemed he might be thinking the same thing.
Elaine continued detailing their day, a tour of Taliesin West, a visit to one of the nearby ghost towns. I was amazed they’d been able to fit it all in.
“Tomorrow I was thinking we’d drive to Sedona,” Patrick said, looking at Derek.
Derek waved his hand. “Do what you want. We’re pretty much finished as far as the conference goes.”
His words made my heart sink, knowing the end was so near. I lifted my glass and took a long sip of the pinot noir he’d ordered—perfect for the petite filet I was having. I felt him studying my reaction, and I wondered how he felt about the end of this week. Did it sadden him as much as it did me?
“We’re pretty much done here,” he said, rising. “I’ll ask the host to put it on my bill if you’d like to take a walk outside with me?”
Elaine’s eyes flew to mine, and she gave me an encouraging smile.
“Sure,” I said, standing.
“I think you can take your glass if you’d like to finish it,” Derek said, holding my chair.
“That’s okay,” I said. “I’ve had enough.”
Patrick and Elaine stayed behind, and she smiled in a way that I knew meant she was dying to give me two thumbs up. If she only knew how behind she was. I just shook my head and took Derek’s arm, allowing him to escort me from the large dining area.
It was another beautiful twilight, the sun slowly setting, turning the desert sky a myriad of dusky autumnal shades. I couldn’t stop my mind from counting the time we had left—only two nights. We’d fly out early Sunday, and I’d return to my situation in Maryland.
We strolled along the path lining the resort’s large golf course. I had so many things I wished I could say, and none that I could truly act upon. I wanted to exchange contact information, make plans to follow up when we got home, to be together, to hold onto him…
Derek wasn’t speaking either. He seemed a million miles away, and I wondered if his thoughts were following a similar course as mine. As always, he was incredibly handsome in grey, tailored slacks and a navy, short-sleeved sweater. It was thin and hugged the lines of his torso.
“Patrick and Elaine seem to be enjoying the trip,” I finally said, holding his arm as we walked.
“Hm,” Derek nodded, but he didn’t say more.
“Is anything wrong?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to know his answer. If something was wrong, and it was anything like I suspected, I wouldn’t be able to ease his mind.
His forehead creased, and he looked out at the horizon, speaking quietly. “This afternoon, being with you… It wasn’t what I expected.”
“It wasn’t?” My chest sank. To me this afternoon had set the bar on intensity so high, I was pretty sure I’d never top it. Hearing he might’ve thought less of it almost killed me.
He exhaled then gave me a sad little smile. “It was intense.” We took a few more steps, and he added just above a whisper. “Too fucking intense.”
My breath returned, and I gently squeezed his arm. “I’ve made some pretty lasting memories with you this week.”
He stopped then and faced me. “Patrick’s got a big mouth. He’s said things about me I thought were best left off the record.”
I looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes, not wanting him to see the tears forming in mine. “Elaine, too.”
“In my line of work, when people don’t want you to know their story, they usually have a damn good reason.”
I wasn’t sure if he was talking about himself or me, but I had to agree. “You’re right.”
“And pursuing that story only leaves everyone, well, pretty damaged.” His voice wasn’t angry, but it had a definite tone. I just couldn’t tell what he was getting at. Was he saying he understood my need for privacy? Was he trying to tell me his? Or worse, was he trying to cut the week short? Had it gotten too intense for him?
The last thought sliced painfully through my heart. “Sometimes, the damage is already done.”
“Listen to me,” he put his hands on my cheeks and tilted my face up to look at his. When he saw my eyes glistening, his expression changed. His eyes closed and he lowered his forehead to mine, exhaling the words. “What have I done?”
My hands clasped over my aching heart. “What have you done?” I managed to say.
He’d fucking made me fall in love with him is what he’d done, and now I’d return to Baltimore worse off than when I got here. But I couldn’t say that out loud. It wasn’t his fault I’d lost control. He’d said one week. I was the one who’d ended up wanting everything I couldn’t have.
He lifted his head and then kissed me, softly at first. His lips held mine a moment before the softness turned less gentle. His mouth moved, opening mine and finding my tongue. Heat flared through me as they touched, and his hands moved to my butt, lifting me against him. Easily my legs went around his waist, my arms around his neck. I was kissing him back in spite of the pain.
How could I waste time on self-preservation when our time together was so short? He broke our kiss, dropping his forehead to my cheek. His hands were securely holding my rear, and I moved my hands to his face, making him look up at me again. His brow was creased and his blue eyes were so earnest, yet so full of all the things he wouldn’t tell me. How could I be angry when there were so many things I wouldn’t tell him?
“If things were different,” I said. “I’d tell you I love you right now.”
His forehead relaxed, and his eyes closed. The smallest hint of a smile tried to form on his lips, but I wouldn’t let myself see it. Instead I leaned forward and kissed him hard on the mouth. He kissed me back with an equal amount of passion, then I pushed against his chest, lowering my legs. He released me, brows pulled together again not understanding. I didn’t stay to explain.
I turned and walked fast, not looking back. A few more steps and I was jogging across the grassy area that separated the patio from the spa hotel. He didn’t follow me. He let me go back to my room, where I collapsed into the bed, tears rolling from my eyes.
Elaine didn’t come back to the room that night, and when I awoke the next morning, a note had been slipped under the door.
Please call the front desk. A parcel has been left for you.
Curiously, I picked up the in-house phone and pressed 0. Alerting the hostess I was awake, she said she’d send the parcel right up, and I went to retrieve one of the thick robes that hung in the bathroom. I paused, checking my reflection. My eyes were only a little puffy from crying. I picked up a washcloth and wet it with cold water, holding it gently to them.
All night I’d dreamed of him. We didn’t stay in the little box in my mind, we jumped out of it and ran free and clear all over my life. Derek carried me back to Wilmington, and we made love on the beach in my old hometown. We ran hand in hand through all of my favorite places from my memory, and everywhere he fit in as perfectly as if he was always meant to be there. It broke my heart. My dreams could be so cruel.
Just then the tapping started on my door. I jumped out of bed and ran across the room. The girl handed me a small package, and I handed her a tip. Then I closed the door and went back to the bed, ripping off the paper and pulling out a black velvet box.
For a moment, I hesitated. Then I carefully pulled the top open. Inside was a delicate gold chain on which a floating heart hung. A small note dropped out, and I opened it.
What I would give you. If you hadn’t already stolen it. –D.A.
My lips pressed together as my eyes misted. Gently pulling the chain from the box, I fastened the necklace around my neck. The tag indicated it was 24 karat gold. It would never tarnish. I could leave it on forever if I chose. In the mirror in my room, I saw the delicate charm sat just at the base of my throat, in the little hollow between my collar bones where he’d often kissed me. I touched it gently.
He’d survive without his heart. He had mine to use in its place.