Chapter 5: Heartbreak

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Melissa

Tears coat my cheeks as I rock my whimpering little boy back and forth on my lap. My entire body is shaking, but I’m struggling for control. I have to keep it together for Dex. He’s only a baby. He’s too small to understand why Mommy can’t stop crying, why Daddy has to go away.

Rocking him in my arms, his little cheek is against my chest, and he’s sucking on his finger. His little fist grips my sleeve tightly. I shush him and kiss his soft dark hair, rubbing his back until he slowly calms down from the explosion of his father trying to break down the door. Derek’s anger is terrifying and his determination formidable. Only one thing is just as strong—my refusal to make the same mistake twice.

The memory cramps my stomach and fills my eyes with fresh tears. A hiccupped breath jerks my throat, and I’m on the verge of sobbing again. Packing Derek’s bags had been the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life, but I will not live in another house of lies and deceptions. At least this time I’ve found out before it was too late.

Elaine and I had spent the day taking the boys for their fittings. Derek had even texted me to check on us. He’d texted me from Raleigh and never said a word about being out of town or what he was doing. He’d pretended he was dealing with Nikki! I can’t believe the extent of his deception, and after just promising me...

The never-ending train show makes a cheerful whistle, and Dex wiggles to get free of my arms. At least he’s young enough that what just happened is quickly forgotten. Mommy’s here, he’s safe in my arms, back to the trains.

Standing on shaky legs, I take his little hand and a train and slowly lead him to my bedroom. Upon entering, it appears the same as it did when Derek was here, but if I open the closet, I’ll see the gaping hole where his suits used to hang. If I open his drawers, I’ll find them empty where his jeans and tees once were. His exercise clothes are gone, his socks. In the bathroom, his toothbrush, razor, shampoo, shave cream... All gone.

The pack and play stands waiting as I gently lower my little boy into it before pulling up his never-ending show on the television. He’s contented as I crawl onto the bed, silently weeping as devastation tries to pull me under.

My phone rings. It’s Elaine’s tone, but I’m too weak to pull it out of my sweater pocket. I know what she wants. After the fitting today, we took the boys for ice cream. Lane wanted a Coke float, but Dex only had half his dip cone before hopping down and running to the indoor playground.

“Derek said not to, but we should drop by the office since we’re in town.” I watched our little boys play. Dex stormed across the top level with such determination, so much like his father, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Did you forget something?” Elaine winks at me, but I shake my head.

“I just wanted to stop in and say hey.”

“Wait, what? Stop in and...” Her voice trails off, causing me to turn and catch her confused expression just before she tries to hide it.

“What’s going on?”

She looks at her lap, and I can tell she’s trying to think of an excuse. I’m not having it. “Lainey. What are you not telling me?”

“It’s not me not telling you.” Her voice is soft, and she won’t meet my eyes.

“Then tell me what I don’t know.”

“The guys drove to Raleigh today.”

She doesn’t have to elaborate. I remember all too well what’s in Raleigh. “Has something happened to Star?”

“She’s been getting threatening messages. It’s where the photographs came from.” Shaking her head, she looks away from me, over her shoulder to where Lane has joined Dex on the playground. “After the last one, she wanted to meet in person. She’s scared. Somebody’s been blackmailing her about the crime. Using her to get to Derek.”

With every word, my throat goes tighter and tighter, and I’m sure I’ll start screaming. I’ve never been this angry... ever! We made love yesterday—sexy, passionate love—and I forgave him for keeping secrets, for not telling me he’d murdered my ex-husband... Murdered. My. Ex-husband.

He kept a secret from me so big it could change all our lives. Police could break through our door at any moment as long as we live and take him away, and I would be clueless.

No more secrets. I can still see his steel-blue eyes fixed on mine as he said the words. I promise. He looked me in the eye and gave me his word. Yet here I sit hearing he’s doing it again. We spent the rest of the day together, we slept together last night, had coffee this morning, and he never mentioned it. Never told me what he was doing today. Didn’t say anything in his text. My head feels so hot, I wonder if my face is red.

“I have to go.” Standing, I collect my bag, Dex’s train.

Elaine is on her feet just as fast. “What are you going to do?”

“More like what am I not going to do.” My breath is coming so fast, but at this point it’s only anger. I’m unable to be still. I have to move. The tears come later, bathing his clothes in salt water as I shove them into his suitcases. Crying and cursing, unable to believe he would put me in this position.

I never dreamed I’d feel this way towards Derek. At the same time, dancing at the edges of my memory is the day I discovered his email to Sloan. That day long ago in that horrible mansion when I thought I’d lost my last shred of hope.

“Tell me what you’re going to do,” my friend repeats as we catch the boys and carry them to the car. Both struggle and complain, but I’m too distracted to worry about Dex wanting to stay.

Buckling him in his car seat, I say one word. “Pack.”

Now, a half-day and a nightmare later, my phone is ringing again, and I know Elaine won’t stop until I answer. Forcing my arm to move, I reach into my pocket and pull out the device. Sliding my finger across the face, I hold it to my ear.

“I’m here, Lainey.”

“Melissa?” Her voice is tentative and high. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.”

“Patrick talked to Derek.” She pauses, and my eyes close. Pain twists in my stomach, and I know I’ll start crying again if I have to talk about it. As if knowing this, my best friend doesn’t make me. “I can come over if you need me. Help with Dex?”

“It’s okay. We’ll be okay.”

“Call me if you need me.” She hesitates then continues. “You don’t even have to call. Just send me a text—911.”

“Thanks. I will.”

We disconnect, and I push myself off the bed. I have to make Dex’s supper, bathe him, get him ready for bed. He can sleep with me tonight.

* * *

Mom’s in the kitchen when I open my eyes the next morning. I vaguely recall her coming over last night, having to shove the heavy table I’d moved in front of the door back to its place and unfastening the chain. She’d wanted to talk, but I couldn’t do it. I’d been crying off and on all evening, and I’d only just managed to fall asleep with Dex in my arms. Being outside the tight grip of his daddy’s embrace would take getting used to, but I’d get there. I had to be strong.

Now I hear her talking to our little boy, and I stretch out my hand to Derek’s empty side of the bed. Pain twists in my stomach, and I push my face against the pillow to muffle my cry. It hurts so bad. On my nightstand is the photograph of Derek and me sitting on the beach. His arms are around me, and it’s a painful reminder of what a beautiful liar he is.

Oh, god! I jump from the bed and run to the toilet. I barely make it before I lose what little contents are in my stomach. I collapse on the cool tile floor and weep, holding onto the handle. I don’t know if I can pick up the pieces this time. I’ve been through this with him before, forcing myself to get over him, but that was in the beginning. I’d only had a week. Now it’s worlds different. So much of his life is woven into mine.

Five minutes pass, and I force myself to get up. Scooping handfuls of water into my mouth, I look in the mirror. My eyes are puffy from crying, and I lean forward to hold a cool rag on them. After a few moments, I straighten, pat myself dry, and take my robe off the hook. I can do this. I have to do this.

“I made eggs,” Mom says quietly as I enter the room. Dex is already down and in the living room running his trains all over the lines of the rug.

“Thanks, Mom.” My voice is thick with unshed tears. “I’m sorry about last night. I just... couldn’t.”

“Derek called me. He’s worried... He sounded a little desperate.”

I can’t answer that. I don’t even want to hear that. My insides clench, and I’m fighting the crippling sobs as I go to the coffee machine and drop in a plastic pod. Waiting as my mug fills, I know she’s watching me for some sign. Anything.

“He said you kicked him out?” she nudges.

Taking my coffee to the bar, I don’t look at her as I pour in a dash of creamer. My jaw tenses. Be strong, Melissa.

“Was it another woman?” Her voice strains.

I glance up at her worried face and shake my head. I can’t tell her about Sloan’s murder—I don’t know what I can tell her that won’t get Derek in trouble with the law. So I stick to the facts.

“He lied to me,” I say. “He kept secrets from me and then lied about it.”

Her face scrunches as she tries to understand. “Can you give me an example?”

“I don’t think so. It involves his work.”

Mom exhales and drops into a chair. “Sweetie, I have to say, it must be something incredibly major. I’ve never seen any man love someone as much as Derek loves you. Your father—”

“Mom.” My voice is sharp, and I hope she can tell how serious I am. “You have to trust me this time. Just like you had to trust me with Sloan.”

She looks down at the table. I take the chair across from her and hold my mug in both hands. The warmth of it soothes me, even if I don’t feel like drinking it. I don’t trust my stomach yet.

When she speaks again, her voice is quiet. “I’ve also never seen you so in love with a man.” Her eyes are full of concern even as her words gut me. “Maybe give it time. I’m here to help you any way I can—with Dex, with the cottage. Do you need to stay with me a few days?”

My first instinct is to say no, until I consider the week ahead. One important milestone is coming, and I’m not sure I can get through it alone. “If you can help me with Dex’s birthday. I want him to have a happy first birthday.”

“Of course!” she answers quickly.

My insides clench at what I have to say next. I feel my stomach again on the verge of losing its contents, which at this point is nothing.

“After that...” I pause to steady my breathing. “If you can help me cancel the wedding plans.” She makes a little noise of shock, and my grip tightens on my mug. “If it’s too much, I can ask Elaine—”

“No! I just... What if we just say the plans are on hold?” The flicker of hope in her voice spears the pain in my heart. I want to crawl into a dark place and never come out. I want to turn back time and never have met Derek Alexander. I want to scream and throw things, and...

I hear Dex in the other room. Only, I’d never give up my little boy. If all of this means I have him, it’s worth it.

Steadying myself, I shake my head. “The wedding is off. I can’t marry him.”

“Darling, I’m afraid you’re being too hasty. You’ve been hurt—badly, I can see that. At the same time, you and Derek have something so special—”

I can’t listen to any more of this. She’s killing me little by little and she doesn’t even know how or why. I can’t tell her the extent of his deception or how deep it goes without risking police involvement.

Holding out my hand, I grasp hers. “Let’s focus on Dex right now. Help me get through his birthday. We can deal with the rest after.”

She’s satisfied, and I’m exhausted. I leave my full mug on the table and head back to my bedroom. I only barely hear her say she’ll take Dex for the day before I push through the blankets. I curl into a ball surrounded by the scent of warmth and woods that used to soothe me. The scent of a man I trusted with everything, and who couldn’t trust me with anything. It’s a scent I used to crave when we were apart. Now it only breaks my heart.